Common Phrases

[tbddbt]

There's some things that my BPDW constantly says that make me instantly think "that's BPD-speak".  How many of you have SO's that use the same sayings?

- "I can't count on you for anything"

- "If you loved me, you would…"

- "I need someone to take care of me.  I have no one."

- "I've lost everyone I've ever really cared about."

- "You have family.  I'm alone in this world."

- "Why can't you just do as I tell you?"

- "There's no point to anything."

- "Everyone gets lucky breaks but me.  Why can't anything good ever happen to me?"

- "This whole world is against me."

- "Why do you always try to sabotage me?"

- "Why can't you just support me for once?"

- "It doesn't matter, I'm already dead."

- "I wish I could just sleep and never wake up."

- "Why do you always take everyone's side but mine?"

- "You've ruined my life."

- "You'll be happy when I'm dead."

[charred]

Sounds like your SO is quite depressed, and a bit frustrated... .far more than directly sounding like  BPD.

[froggy]

heard most of those from uBPDh... .add...

everything I touch turns to ___

you get sick on purpose (I have a condition that causes me to make kidney stones and I have to travel for surgery)

he thinks we all just sit and think of ways to upset him... .I just agree with him on that one and say... " yes... .yes ... we sit and think of ways to up set and inconvenience you "

He thinks traffic lights turn red JUST for him and it rains on his day off JUST for him.

[Forestaken]

you get sick on purpose (I have a condition that causes me to make kidney stones and I have to travel for surgery)

Did you plan your illness?  According to my Xw, I did.  My injuries too.

[froggy]

oh... .he thinks I plan them... I apparently look for when it will effect him the most.

He implied I was having "fun" when I was sitting in the hospital in palative care with my sister in Feb.

Told him its loads of fun listening to my sister gasp for breath and hack up a lung... sleeping in a chair.

Told him if the only eason he had for me to come home was he'd run out of clean clothes and he didn't like doing dishes... I'd be home when I got there.

[wishfulthinking]

Let's see... .numbers 2, 4, 8, and 11 on your list.  Add to that:

*if you could act like a wife for once.

*if you could learn to shut your mouth for once.

*if you really knew what love is you'd... .

*if you honored this marriage the way you are supposed to... .

*why can't I just come into money like so many other people?

*shut up

*look at me when I'm talking to you

*if everyone would just shut up and listen they would finally figure out I'm right.

Sigh... .so many more, these are the most common.  It never ends.

... .and the health issues... .yeah, my heart problem is apparently an inconvenience for him, and my Raynauds because I have to wear gloves and jackets to public places that are cold in the summer.  Yeah, HE is embarrassed.  Meanwhile, I can't feel my fingers and toes, literally.

[mstnghu]

Oh, where to even start!

-The wife will say something completely rude and nasty (to bait me of course) and when I respond negatively to her initial rudeness, she'll say to me ":)o you want our son to think it's ok for a man to talk to a woman that way?"... .never mind whatever completely insulting thing she said to me in the first place to get my response.

-"You're my husband, it's your job to take care of me!"... .we're not talking normal husband duties, we're talking needy and emotionally unhealthy behavior that completely sucks the life out of me.  When I refuse to bow down, I'm not doing my job as a husband.

-"I wish you weren't *insert our son's name here* father!"

-"I don't want you to embarrass me in front of my friends." ... .I received a lecture about this on the way to a BBQ at the home of one of her co-workers on Memorial Day. Apparently I don't know how to act appropriately in social settings.

-"You just need to do what I tell you to do."

These are just some of the things she's said. I have numerous stories of irrational behavior from her. I'm new to this site and looking for support for myself, but I also hope I can share the experiences I've had with my uBPDw to help others out. I'll try to share my whole story soon when I have the time to write it.

[Forestaken]

oh... .he thinks I plan them... I apparently look for when it will effect him the most.

He implied I was having "fun" when I was sitting in the hospital in palative care with my sister in Feb.

Told him its loads of fun listening to my sister gasp for breath and hack up a lung... sleeping in a chair.

Told him if the only eason he had for me to come home was he'd run out of clean clothes and he didn't like doing dishes... I'd be home when I got there.

According to her: I faked my EKG!

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Let's see... .numbers 2, 4, 8, and 11 on your list.  Add to that:

... .

*if everyone would just shut up and listen they would finally figure out I'm right.

Wow, I wish my uBPDw had that much self awareness... .Before I found this site I lost track of the number of times I told her just because I don't agree with her doesn't mean I didn't listen... .

[wishfulthinking]

You MUST look mine in the eyes or you are not listening.  You MUST stop whatever it is you are doing and listen immediately.  It cannot wait.  Ever.  If something will burn on the stove, it can wait.  I can't tell you how many times the food has scorched.  You MUST not do anything while he is talking or you are not listening.  He is the only person that can multitask.

[mstnghu]

You MUST look mine in the eyes or you are not listening.  You MUST stop whatever it is you are doing and listen immediately.  It cannot wait.  Ever.  If something will burn on the stove, it can wait.  I can't tell you how many times the food has scorched.  You MUST not do anything while he is talking or you are not listening.  He is the only person that can multitask.

This is definitely an issue with my wife as well. I multi-task all day at work (I'm actually posting this while I'm working  ). I'm more than capable of listening to what my wife is saying while I'm doing something else. She wants full attention on her though whenever she has something to say. Often times what she has to say is something totally mundane and insignificant too. Sometimes I'll be completely in the middle of doing something and she won't finish telling me what she has to say unless I stop what I'm doing and walk over to her and make eye contact. It's beyond ridiculous at times because even if something else that's a higher priority (such as my 3 year old about to do something that could hurt himself or is just misbehaving), she wants full attention on her. Ironically, she never shows any interest in anything I have to say.

[wishfulthinking]

mstnghu, totally get everything you just said.  I don't know how many times I've been in the middle or almost done with something and been forced to stop.  It's rarely important enough I can't multitask.  Plus, it's usually just complaining about something or someone, anyway. 

[Forestaken]

Let's see... .numbers 2, 4, 8, and 11 on your list.  Add to that:

... .

*if everyone would just shut up and listen they would finally figure out I'm right.

Wow, I wish my uBPDw had that much self awareness... .Before I found this site I lost track of the number of times I told her just because I don't agree with her doesn't mean I didn't listen... .

Have you ever gave them the answer they didn't want to hear?

[wishfulthinking]

WOW, all the time.  It flips him out.  I can't sell myself out ALL THE TIME.  I also tend to be very logical based, not emotional like him, so we see things from different ends of the spectrum.  I see all the grey areas and he can't.  He demands a YES or NO and sometimes, it's just not a yes or no answer.  Or he'll give me a scenario and ask me how I would feel.  I honestly don't care what other people think of me.  I know I'm not a horrible person and my few close friends LOVE me.  I love them.  I am not mean, but if you don't like me... .then you don't like me.  I don't like everyone in this world.  I can't expect everyone to like me.  So most of the time my answer to his scenarios is I WOULDN'T CARE... .then I'm a heartless cold person he KNOWS I'm not and I shouldn't pretend to be that way... .Ummm... .not pretending?  I just honestly don't care.  Your aunt hates me?  Don't care.  Your daughter blew me off because her drama-filled mom was around?  Don't care.  ETC.  Makes him fuming mad.

[mstnghu]

WOW, all the time.  It flips him out.  I can't sell myself out ALL THE TIME.  I also tend to be very logical based, not emotional like him, so we see things from different ends of the spectrum.  I see all the grey areas and he can't.  He demands a YES or NO and sometimes, it's just not a yes or no answer.  Or he'll give me a scenario and ask me how I would feel.  I honestly don't care what other people think of me.  I know I'm not a horrible person and my few close friends LOVE me.  I love them.  I am not mean, but if you don't like me... .then you don't like me.  I don't like everyone in this world.  I can't expect everyone to like me.  So most of the time my answer to his scenarios is I WOULDN'T CARE... .then I'm a heartless cold person he KNOWS I'm not and I shouldn't pretend to be that way... .Ummm... .not pretending?  I just honestly don't care.  Your aunt hates me?  Don't care.  Your daughter blew me off because her drama-filled mom was around?  Don't care.  ETC.  Makes him fuming mad.

YES! I'm very much the same way. I can't imagine living my life constantly stressing out about what other people think if I'm just being myself. My wife obsesses about what everybody thinks us. She tries to paint me as cold, aloof and uncaring when I tell her I don't care what "so and so" thinks.  When I give her this response, she'll start going on and on about how so many of her friends and family feel the same way about me that she does. Of course it's not true and I know that most of her family and friends like me just fine.

[StayOrLeave15]

I'll add:

"You don't love me."

"If you really want me to." (following an invitation to do something so that I am forced to more or less beg)

"I hurt everyone I love."

Saying she wants to talk about something serious and then as soon as we begin she starts playing on her phone and not paying attention or interrupts me with something irrelevant. 

Says the most absolutely horrible things to me, bringing me to the point of tears, and then "STOP CRYING!"

[wishfulthinking]

Stayorleave15... .You last one... .I get the "why don't you ever show any emotion?" while he's raging at me because I just put on my neutral face.  Because when I did show emotion it was "why are you crying?  THis is about me!  Not you!  You have no right to be emotional!" 

Sigh... .

[NotASnowflake]

You MUST look mine in the eyes or you are not listening.  You MUST stop whatever it is you are doing and listen immediately.  It cannot wait.  Ever.  If something will burn on the stove, it can wait.  I can't tell you how many times the food has scorched.  You MUST not do anything while he is talking or you are not listening.  He is the only person that can multitask.

I think I am working my way to this point.

At some point, she began requiring that I come to where she wants to talk to her. Example: she wanted to talk outside on the porch in the middle of the day. We sat and talked for a while, but not about anything critical, just chatting. After a while, I said that it was getting too hot and I was going inside. She stayed out a while longer and then came in mad. "I never just sit down and talk" to her was the first thing she said... .negating the time we were together. Couldn't she have just said "Let's sit on the couch and talk for a while longer"?

More recently, she has said that when we talk, we always need to be facing each other.

[StayOrLeave15]

I hear you wishfulthinking... .

Some more came to mind:

Commonly heard is: "You can't hang out with (insert name here)."

Also, when she becomes dysregulated, I will drop this issue at hand because I know we will just have a circular argument until 4am.  So then I bring it up later, in a day or two when she is calm, so we can discuss.  What happens? She often becomes dysregulated again and goes on a tirade about "YOU CAN'T LET THINGS GO" and therefore I cause all the fights in our relationship.

The result is that very few of our issues get resolved, because her anger prevents me from bringing them up, and I begin to carry them around and resent her.  

[StayOrLeave15]

As for the looking when talking, if I seem even slightly distracted (which I'm not - I am also an expert multitasker) I will get "Oh you're busy we can talk about it later" which is code for her saying "I don't matter to you" and she proceeds to get upset.

Or if we're on the phone we'll be in the middle of a conversation and she'll say "Well you're busy so I'll let you go", again because she wants me to reinforce to her that she matters.  If she is my girlfriend and I am talking on the phone to her it should be clear she matters. But pwBPD don't understand this.  YCMTSU

[NotASnowflake]

WOW, all the time.  It flips him out.  I can't sell myself out ALL THE TIME.  I also tend to be very logical based, not emotional like him, so we see things from different ends of the spectrum. 

I am involved in a similar dynamic. I very logic based, she is emotion based. Leads to so much frustration when a completely logical argument or perspective can be completely ignored and invalidated. At least by reading of BPD I've found some explanation of this. emotions=reality for pwBPD. I found this on this site: www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fbpdfamily.com%2Fmessage_board%2Fimages%2Fmb%2Fmindfulness.gif&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fbpdfamily.com%2Fmessage_board%2Findex.php%3Ftopic%3D64749.0&h=275&w=502&tbnid=Vt-0xOLBwQ_A1M%3A&zoom=1&docid=XmKN-fRj1EjysM&ei=6Zi9U4qyEIiUyATOzYK4Dw&tbm=isch&ved=0CB8QMygDMAM&iact=rc&uact=3&dur=5027&page=1&start=0&ndsp=15

I see all the grey areas and he can't.  He demands a YES or NO and sometimes, it's just not a yes or no answer. 

I've been told I can't start a sentence with no. That's embarrassing to admit.

[wishfulthinking]

I'm not allowed to use the word ":)o"... .as in I DO understand, or I DO love you... .He says it means I don't because otherwise I wouldn't have to say it like it's forced.

[NotASnowflake]

I'm recognize others and will add couple of my own:

Not a phrase, but the expectation of me to be able to mind read.

Some variation of you're the only one who has never left me.

It's not what you said, it's the way you said it/tone of voice/phrase you used, etc.

Don't know if this is BPD or not - Spring: this is going to be the hottest summer ever. Summer: I hate this heat. Fall: This is going to be the coldest winter ever. Winter: everybody's typical winter complaints  She has even complained about the heat and in the same day talked about how cold and terrible the winter is going to be. I guess this is more of a seasonal affective disorder thing. Just seems like her mind is always in the future or the past and not appreciating the day we have now. Overall we live in a nice climate, enjoy the day.

When she's in bad moods she hates our house and has a list of things that need to be done. Few of which we can afford even DIY and several that are above my DIY comfort zone that we definitely can't afford to pay someone to do. But when she's in good moods she loves the house. Her list is now just a list to do whenever.

I'm not crazy, you're crazy you need to see a therapist or you need to take antidepressants (Yes the past few months have been rough, but there's a very clear reason why. I don't want drugs effecting my emotions at this time. I'm finally recognizing and processing them, I don't want any outside influences to working on them. I'm seeing a therapist and he agrees that I do not need antidepressants. If she pushes the antidepressants more, I will see a psychiatrist and be open to their opinion.

[StayOrLeave15]

Not a phrase, but the expectation of me to be able to mind read.

I'll second that. I can't begin to tell you how many sentences begin with: "You think... ." and she proceeds to tell me exactly what I am thinking, the reason I did something, and how I feel at the time. 

But 90% of the time she is wrong.  Unfortunately she thinks she's right 100% of the time.

[wishfulthinking]

Stayorleave I think we are married to twins. Lol. The whole telling me what I think thing. Wrong most of the time. I've started saying "fine. You think you know what I'm thinking then I agree with everything so why bother discussing it since you know already." That makes him go oh then what are you thinking? I say what I'm thinking, but I'm still told I'm wrong. Lol.

[bpbreakout]

 LOL, great topic

- your problem is that you just can't take being told what to do

- you don't make me feel like a real woman

- you are undermining my authority

- I have a right to ... .(insert any number of selfish or inconsiderate actions)

- I don't feel like ... .(insert the occasional something I have asked BPDw to do for me)

- I forgot ... .(insert the occasional something I have asked BPDw to do for me and always seems to be me that has to follow up)

- Have you washed your hands/wash your hands (I always thought that was something you said to people <10 yrs old)

- You need to do something about your body language / facial expression (if I'm frustrated about something and want to talk about it)

And one thing that BPDw doesn't ever seem to say whern she rings me at work is "have you got time to talk" - she just starts talking and then gets angry if I have to cut off the conversation if I'm with someone.

[ItsNotYou]

I get these all the time from a uBPD sibling. They are usually put downs said to another person but done in a way she makes sure I can hear them. (context in brackets)

- he's always so clumsy

- his kids should know better

- those kids over there are so well behaved (insinuating my kids are misbehaved)

- hurry up, we haven't got all day (as if she's speaking for the rest of the group)

- he doesn't let me near their kids (well, not the way you treat them, you don't get the privilege of their company)

- that's not real, she (wife) gave him dime store jewellery (puts down two people in one blow)

- (I treated for the meal and my uBPD sibling says:) my meal was terrible (but I noticed she ate the whole meal)

- (uBPD sibling after getting a ride) your driving makes me car sick

And it just goes on and on, complaining, sniping, put downs, and digs. She says it with a bit of a laugh so to others it comes across as humour so other people laugh it off. That's the BPD's skill, just the right mixture of acid to burn deeply but delivered in a way that can be construed by others as humour or as friendly sarcasm. They prey on complex back stories and history so if you don't know the context, you don't detect the dig.

My uBPD sibling seems to have an extraordinary memory for details. She digs up stuff from ages ago, ramps up the drama on it and digs in and creates a new wound. So maybe there is a tiny bit of truth in the dig, but the past event has been taken out of context. Of course she'll use over dramatized anger, as if shes' being victimized, to avoid talking about what ails her. What a bizarre skill she has but it contributes absolutely nothing to humanity.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Stayorleave15... .You last one... .I get the "why don't you ever show any emotion?" while he's raging at me because I just put on my neutral face.  Because when I did show emotion it was "why are you crying?  THis is about me!  Not you!  You have no right to be emotional!" 

Oh, I have a right to be emotional... .as long as it's happy.  Anything overtly negative is a trigger. 

Even laughing can set her off, if we're watching a comedian and he makes a "wife joke".

And she wonders why I don't wear my heart on my sleeve... .

[wishfulthinking]

IsItHerOrIsItMe, I understand.  I get the... .why aren't you opening yourself up to me?  Tear down the wall!  Ummm... .I did in the beginning and it screwed me entirely.  Not happening. 

Yes, laughing and joking.  Must be careful with those.  I have more of a guy's sense of humor.  My best friend is like me.  Anyway, I'm not a LADY if I laugh at crass or gross or off-color jokes.  I'm very politically incorrect and sarcastic in my humor, as most guys I know.  I'm not allowed to be funny because it's not ladylike-  I tell him I'm not a lady, never have been.  I dress the part, but my personality is SOO not.  LOL.  You'd think he'd appreciate that more.  My guy friends (work and past work) always do (did).

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

IsItHerOrIsItMe, I understand.  I get the... .why aren't you opening yourself up to me?  Tear down the wall!  Ummm... .I did in the beginning and it screwed me entirely.  Not happening. 

Yes, laughing and joking.  Must be careful with those.  I have more of a guy's sense of humor.  My best friend is like me.  Anyway, I'm not a LADY if I laugh at crass or gross or off-color jokes.  I'm very politically incorrect and sarcastic in my humor, as most guys I know.  I'm not allowed to be funny because it's not ladylike-  I tell him I'm not a lady, never have been.  I dress the part, but my personality is SOO not.  LOL.  You'd think he'd appreciate that more.  My guy friends (work and past work) always do (did).

Me, I'm a prude and don't do a lot of fart jokes... .my wife is more of a prude than me.

However she's got 3 sons that are free to talk about farts, or anything else.  Dinner conversations are 2 steps below locker room talk.

She's told her brother she doesn't have the energy to enforce anything when it comes to her sons, but she'll spend time researching whatever book I'm reading to see if it contains the word "nipple"... .

Her sons will make big boob jokes, and then I'll spend the rest of the night dealing with her telling me since "men in general" are obsessed with cup size then I can't possibly find her attractive... .