a sample email from a high functioning uBPDh

[Not normal]

Firstly , really thankful to all at this forum... .I would like to stick to the decision of finally choosing to leave this destructive r/s... .After dealing with some of my codependency issues.

I've been brain - washed numerous times... .and with the help of this forum and few friends to remind me of what is normal... .I hope to put down my feet and start again with s4.

Here's a sample of how the twist and turns end up into a beautifully written email... even I want to hand him n award for his talents... .

Background:

I wanted to leave. .He convinced me to stay. ... .I said it has to involve intensive therapy. ... He says that my demand is impossible. ... and this email was after we met , he told me his decisionwas to seperate... .and decided that this was the end... .

Quote:

You've just received the words that it's decided it's the end? What you've received is the choice I was forced to make of your options 1 or 2. No other options, just these from you. What if I had other possibilities that I thought could work? You weren't interested. 1 or 2 and that's it.

You think I didn't want reconciliation? I always wanted it. I've spent the last week with everything going over and over in my head. All the things you've written and said.

I finally realised that if I was speaking with a counsellor (or you directly) and said all of the things that I really want to say out loud then there really is no chance. I'd say things that are so deep and hurtful that they would kill any possibility.

You've never accepted how much some of the things you've said have hurt and how I've kept them in to avoid just killing everything instantly dead. I'm keeping them away from the situation now to try and keep it 'friendlier' than it would be if it all came out.

You feel thrown in a ditch? Please really understand that everything you've said makes me feel like you've managed to get what you wanted. If you really want to hear what I feel sometime then you see if can listen to it - it won't be nice.

I never wanted this and you've no consideration how difficult it was for me to come to this decision or how it makes me feel.

You said before that your demands won't be so great to make it easy. Let's see how it comes. I don't want or need a great fight either.

Unquote

If anything   the purpose is to let others "see" the trend and all their talent at work. The fog... unable to take any blame ... gaslighting. ... All summarized beautifully. .

Now I need to work on myself as a lot of him rubbed off onto me and some onto son... .

[Reforming]

Hi Notnormal  

Thanks for posting. I'm sorry for all the pain and heartbreak you are going through. It must be incredibly hard.  

Your ex's email reminds me of some of the emails that I got from my ubpexgf. She said some similar things about me  

And she could write so brilliantly and convincingly that at times that I had to soak my head in cold water to make myself see what was actually happening.  

I think the thing is that this is genuinely what your ex feels and sees.

Feelings = Facts. This is his reality and he believes it is just as real as you do yours.

After years of intermittently trying persuade cajole and on a couple of occasions bully my ubpexgf into going to therapy I went through the therapy ultimatum.

She went to therapy and promptly had an affair.  

Asking a borderline to go to therapy as a perquisite for staying in a relationship with them doesn't seem unreasonable but it rarely seems to work

I think there's lots of reasons for this.

People don't change unless they really want to change and borderlines deny their illness, especially high functioning ones

But no one likes having a gun held to their head and being told they must change. Even for a healthy person it can feel like a judgement and a rejection.

For borderlines in particular it's likely to trigger profound feelings of abandonment.

When I look back at my relationship I realise that it would have been much healthier for me and my ex if I had focused less on her and more on healing myself.

I don't know if it would have ultimately altered the outcome of our relationship (I might have left sooner) but the best way to effect change in others is to inspire it by changing yourself.

There are no guarantees that it will change them but it will change how you feel about him and yourself

Good luck

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Not Normal -

Thanks for posting - it helps all of us with our own accepting of reality and the fact that our pxBPD really is mentally ill.  It's amazing to me how similarly they "see" things and express that perspective ... .some of what your ex said was near verbatim to what mine said as well in different emails etc... .

Good luck to you, Phoenix

[Emelie Emelie]

Two things I've learned:

1.  Trying to argue with him is fruitless.  It's an ever escalating nasty battle.  There is never any resolution.

2.  Trying to explain to him how I feel.  How I've been hurt.  He cant hear it.  Won't hear it.  Responds with a list of my failings.

Your email reminded me of both of those things.

[JohnLove]

Two things I've learned:

1.  Trying to argue with him is fruitless.  It's an ever escalating nasty battle.  There is never any resolution.

2.  Trying to explain to him how I feel.  How I've been hurt.  He cant hear it.  Won't hear it.  Responds with a list of my failings.

Your email reminded me of both of those things.

WOW Emelie Emelie. That really hit home.

Do you mean trying to argue?... .or intensive discussion looking for a resolution?.

I believe my BPDgf ears are working. I know what comes out of my mouth. I KNOW she can hear it. What is it?. Derails the conversation with "something" I've done.

The first time she did this I couldn't believe what was actually happening (little knowledge of BPD at this point) and I was gobsmacked.