Emotional Storm

[going places]

My house is on the market, and the feed back from the agents that have shown my house has been good BUT... .the walls have BOLD colors (Red / Orange / Green / Purple)

I love color!

Well, the living room is asparagus green and orange.(20 x 15 x 10)

So I said "hey, let's paint it neutral".

So I went to the paint store, picked out a neutral color... .took it home.

Today, I spent 9 hours painting... .only to figure out that it's not beige.

It's purple.

The paint, on my walls, is purple.

NOT ONLY did I paint over colors that I love, to appease potential buyers, but it's the wrong color.

It looked beige in the can. It looked beige in the paint pan. It looked beige going on the wall... .

But when it dried?

It's purple.

I could not find the 2 screws to screw the cable cover back into the wall... .and I melted down.

Tears, then the panic attack, the fight or flight response, complete adrinaline / cortisol dump into my system... .then the panic attack, tight chest, short rapid breaths, racing thoughts... .and I was focused in on the fact I could not find those screws... .then I would look at the paint and my eyes would just roll back in my head and the process started all over again... .

I had to keep my ish together... .my son was sleeping on the floor... .and he has never seen me 'in a storm'... .and it's embarrassing.

So I went upstairs and took a shower, scrubbing the paint off of me like I was sanding a wall... .I just couldn't get it off of me fast enough. The the crying started all over again... .out of the shower... .then the panic attack. Again.

So I sat down on my bed, and just started reading my email and FB... .slowly, I came down... .

Then I fell asleep on my computer (like 5 min)... .woke up and I was starved.

I ate and here I am.

I just want someone to know, I was never like this before 2011.

I feel 'ruined'... .like 'damaged goods' ... .'scratch and dent isle'.

I hate that I have no control over these 'emotional storms'... .and stupid crap like not being able to find 2 screws sends me over the edge.

I just want someone who understands to tell me it's going to be ok.

The sooner I get out of this house... .the better I will be.

[Popcorn71]

I kind of understand you.  After my exBPDh left I could not bear to sit in our living room.  I could still see him in his chair!

Fortunately there was another room that I did not really use much so I redecorated and made that 'my room'.  That's where I spend my time now.  I still don't use the living room.  Like you, I cannot wait to sell up and move.

Try to make some part of your home, 'yours'.  Maybe then you will feel calmer.

I don't have any other advice.  It's terrible that they can affect us in this way.