I don't know what to do

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been in avoidance mode lately. My daughter is home from school for only a short time and I can't deal with my relationship with my udBPD wife while she's here. In order to spend my time and energy with my daughter for the short time I have with her, I've had to put my feelings and stress to the side. (To be clear, my daughter is from a previous relationship) I've not done great with it and have been more distant with my daughter too, but that is better than going through the coming storm while she's here. I've also avoided these forums because reading others stories brings up so many emotions.

A couple of days before my daughter came home, something happened that had me ready to leave. I have been trying stand up for myself and just tell my wife when she hurts me (verbally) and why it makes me feel that way. This has been hard on her, because I haven't always done this. But it is something I feel that I have to do.

So one evening I told her that I felt unfairly criticized over what I was eating. She basically took it from me and told me I had eaten nothing but sugar and salt all day. She hadn't been with me all day and hadn't seen what I had eaten for lunch. I was snacking because I was working a little late due to taking some time off earlier to mow the yard before a storm came and going to my therapy appointment. This spiraled and led to more criticism and anger and eventually her telling me that she doesn't know if she can take the relationship and that it's a mess and it's all my fault. She said that I don't care about myself and that I don't want anyone else to care about me. I told her that I am just trying to tell her how I feel so that I don't explode and I asked her if she wants me to tell her how I feel. She said "No, I really don't want to know how you feel" and went to bed.

I decided that I could not sleep in the same bed with her after that, it felt like a death sentence to our relationship. I went outside and started setting up the tent in the back yard to just sleep out there. I've never done anything like this before. As I was working on this, she came out to talk to me more and I tried telling her how much what she said hurt me. Rather than an apology, she had a list of reasons and justifications of why she doesn't want to hear how she feels and she continued to maintain that she still felt that way. She even punched me in the arm "because I wasn't listening to her".

Later she came out to the tent and tried talking to me. She appealed to my sense of loyalty by talking about our vows and how I said that I would always be there for her. I told her that I'm not leaving, but I didn't feel safe sleeping with her based on all that had happened that night. She wanted assurances that I won't leave the relationship, but I told her that at this point, I don't know.

We talked more the next day. She said she does want me to express my feelings and that I am not the sole source of our problems. I decided to hang on for now because I couldn't deal with ending our relationship and still spend time with my daughter. She finally apologized for what she said after she had a therapy appointment a few days later. But the apology is hard to accept because I feel that she was only able to apologize after her therapist helped her understand how it made me feel. I accept it though, but I still haven't forgiven. She's just said so many hurtful things and this one was at the top. But actually getting an apology is something that rarely happens, so it does feel a little better to at least have that.

Since then, things have actually improved some. We've had more conversations and we've both shared more with each other than we have in a long time. I've had to continually reassure her that I am still here working on the relationship, but I've not been able to reassure her that I will always be here.

So my time with my daughter is almost at an end and I am starting to turn back to thinking about my future with my wife. I'm scared for what is coming and so guilty for even thinking about giving up. I worry that I will destroy her and that she will hurt herself. I've been going to therapy weekly, but haven't gotten much out yet because I've just been spilling my life story, but therapy and here are the only outlets I have. I am going to begin reading more here (and on the staying forum and the leaving forum) again and trying to figure out where I want to go with my life. I am starting over with the links to the right (stop the bleeding, etc) to try to make a positive change.

I don't know if sharing so much with you guys is the right thing to do, but I've just got to get this stuff out and this (and therapy) is the only way to do it. Thank you for being there and taking the time to read my story.

[NotASnowflake]

I've been in avoidance mode lately. My daughter is home from school for only a short time and I can't deal with my relationship with my udBPD wife while she's here. In order to spend my time and energy with my daughter for the short time I have with her, I've had to put my feelings and stress to the side. (To be clear, my daughter is from a previous relationship) I've not done great with it and have been more distant with my daughter too, but that is better than going through the coming storm while she's here. I've also avoided these forums because reading others stories brings up so many emotions.

A couple of days before my daughter came home, something happened that had me ready to leave. I have been trying stand up for myself and just tell my wife when she hurts me (verbally) and why it makes me feel that way. This has been hard on her, because I haven't always done this. But it is something I feel that I have to do.

So one evening I told her that I felt unfairly criticized over what I was eating. She basically took it from me and told me I had eaten nothing but sugar and salt all day. She hadn't been with me all day and hadn't seen what I had eaten for lunch. I was snacking because I was working a little late due to taking some time off earlier to mow the yard before a storm came and going to my therapy appointment. This spiraled and led to more criticism and anger and eventually her telling me that she doesn't know if she can take the relationship and that it's a mess and it's all my fault. She said that I don't care about myself and that I don't want anyone else to care about me. I told her that I am just trying to tell her how I feel so that I don't explode and I asked her if she wants me to tell her how I feel. She said "No, I really don't want to know how you feel" and went to bed.

I decided that I could not sleep in the same bed with her after that, it felt like a death sentence to our relationship. I went outside and started setting up the tent in the back yard to just sleep out there. I've never done anything like this before. As I was working on this, she came out to talk to me more and I tried telling her how much what she said hurt me. Rather than an apology, she had a list of reasons and justifications of why she doesn't want to hear how she feels and she continued to maintain that she still felt that way. She even punched me in the arm "because I wasn't listening to her".

Later she came out to the tent and tried talking to me. She appealed to my sense of loyalty by talking about our vows and how I said that I would always be there for her. I told her that I'm not leaving, but I didn't feel safe sleeping with her based on all that had happened that night. She wanted assurances that I won't leave the relationship, but I told her that at this point, I don't know.

We talked more the next day. She said she does want me to express my feelings and that I am not the sole source of our problems. I decided to hang on for now because I couldn't deal with ending our relationship and still spend time with my daughter. She finally apologized for what she said after she had a therapy appointment a few days later. But the apology is hard to accept because I feel that she was only able to apologize after her therapist helped her understand how it made me feel. I accept it though, but I still haven't forgiven. She's just said so many hurtful things and this one was at the top. But actually getting an apology is something that rarely happens, so it does feel a little better to at least have that.

Since then, things have actually improved some. We've had more conversations and we've both shared more with each other than we have in a long time. I've had to continually reassure her that I am still here working on the relationship, but I've not been able to reassure her that I will always be here.

So my time with my daughter is almost at an end and I am starting to turn back to thinking about my future with my wife. I'm scared for what is coming and so guilty for even thinking about giving up. I worry that I will destroy her and that she will hurt herself. I've been going to therapy weekly, but haven't gotten much out yet because I've just been spilling my life story, but therapy and here are the only outlets I have. I am going to begin reading more here (and on the staying forum and the leaving forum) again and trying to figure out where I want to go with my life. I am starting over with the links to the right (stop the bleeding, etc) to try to make a positive change.

I don't know if sharing so much with you guys is the right thing to do, but I've just got to get this stuff out and this (and therapy) is the only way to do it. Thank you for being there and taking the time to read my story.

[Littleleft]

Hi NAS

I just wanted to say that it sounds like you're doing the right things in posting here, reading the lessons and articles and seeing a T.  I'm sure it will all help you in one way or another.

And to give you this 

[NotASnowflake]

Thanks for the encouragement, LL.

Learning about BPD has been both good and bad. Good in that I am learning of triggers and validation of feelings. I want to do my part to have appropriate boundaries and reactions to situations. Good in that there are others that are going through the same things that I'm going through, and some measure of comfort in that. Good that I can find ways to change myself and my reactions to try to keep emotions from escalating. Good to see that there is hope. I hate to say it, but good to see that there is much worse than what I am going through. Sometimes my problems and issues can seem trivial compared to some, and I probably need to be reminded of that sometimes. But it's also been bad. Bad to hear that it is something that I can probably never discuss openly with her unless she brings it to me. Bad to learn that it is something that will likely never go away, only managed better. Bad because reading the forum of people committed to staying is so depressing sometimes.

I'll try to keep sharing and posting.

[NotASnowflake]

The past few weeks have been rough. I think I'm getting to crisis mode. Three weekends ago, my uBPDw went to bed early, before I got home Friday and about 3PM on Saturday. Friday before I left work Friday, she sent a text apologizing for being an a-hole. An apology from her is rare, and an unasked for apology is probably the nicest thing (emotionally) she's done for me in a while. Both Saturday morning and Sunday things were fine. She said she wasn't avoiding me or giving me the silent treatment, but it felt like it. At one point she said she is ready to see a MC. I told her that I still need to work on myself before being able to go with her to a MC. I don't know if this plays into the next few weekends or not.

Two weekends ago, she asked me about details of my visit to a lawyer nine months ago when I laid down for bed one night. I answered her questions, but told her that I wouldn't argue or carry on the conversation while lying in bed. We could get up and go talk, but that I wasn't discussing it any more in bed. There were also a couple of events over the weekend that felt like gaslighting, or I really am saying things other than what I think I'm saying. One of these issues, she kept bringing up over the weekend. I told her that I might have made a mistake and said what she heard, but that I was reading directly from the computer screen and I think I gave her the correct information. But I apologized if I erred.

She was out of town through the week, it was a good week. I felt I could finally breath. But my anxiety increased with each day that passed. I also found the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it's eye opening. I am starting the chapter on boundaries right now.

The day she came home, around 1PM texted and I asked if she wanted me to have food ready when she got home. She doesn't reply until almost 10PM, letting me know when she'd be home and "we got food?" I was about ready to go to bed, but asked if she wanted me to fix anything. She replied that she can't guess what we have. I offered a few options and what was already prepared and went to bed when I hadn't heard back from her for about 30 minutes. Fell asleep around the time she said she would get home. I woke up to the bedroom door slamming and a rage session in progress. She was mostly mad that I hadn't stayed up, even though she hadn't asked me to stay up and she got home an hour late and way past the time I normally go to bed. I listened and did not react, I helped in any way I could. She was exhausted and we went to bed.

Friday, I was off, and she was pretty emotional all day. I gave her space, but also let her know I was there to talk and wanted to know how her trip went. She talked about some of it, but not much. Saturday I got stuff done around the house and she went to a half day class. I made the dinner that she asked me to make, but she ignored it when she got home. Later she said she appreciated that I made it, but she still hasn't touched the leftovers.

Saturday night, I get woken up at 2AM and she tells me that she is ready to leave, but that it will have to be a slow process, there are no easy options for us right now. I was floored and didn't know how to react. I listened and because I was asked no questions, said very little. She gave her reasons, some of which I can see and understand, some of which do not fit with my reality. Much of it I interpreted to be that she just doesn't like me as a person any more. She said she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed anymore, so I sleep on the couch when she goes back to bed.

Sunday rolls by in a blur, she has another class and we avoid each other mostly. I made myself available to talk, but I couldn't start the conversation. She left a couple of online tests for depression out for me. She keeps pushing me towards antidepressants. Every time she brings it up, I remind her that I don't want  anything effecting my mood or my mind right now. She went to bed in the spare bedroom, even though I had agreed I would sleep there. She gets uncomfortable and comes to bed at some point in the night. I intend to sleep in the spare bedroom tonight.

I haven't talked to her today and  pretty much dread going home. Right now it feels like none of the answers are good ones. We've been spiraling for a while now and I'm scared, for both of us. Please, I need some words of wisdom.

[NotASnowflake]

As somewhat expected, I think my wife is changing her mind about leaving. So far, we haven't even really had a conversation since she woke me up to tell me that she was ready to leave. She left me a somewhat rambling and confusing letter and has said that she needs to be alone for a few days. She's asked me to come home a little later than normal and has stayed in the bedroom and avoided me.

But based on the letter and the texts and occasional interactions, I think she has already backed down and changed her mind about leaving. I had a feeling it was more of a test than an actual plan/decision. Since she has not directly indicated otherwise, when she is ready to talk again I am going to ask her about it and approach it assuming that she is still intending to leave. From my perspective based on what she has said rather than trying to interpret her actions, she has been giving me a few days to come to terms with the situation of her planning to leave. But I really have no idea what her thoughts are on any of this at this point because we aren't talking.

In her letter to me, she said that she is not trying to control me and that I have total freedom to do what I want and need to find myself and figure myself out. Last night, I tested this some. I was out of town for the day and decided to stop on the way home for a hike I went by the mountain that is named the same as my middle name and decided why not. I had texted her a little earlier to let her know I would be later due to hiking for a while.

I got started hiking at about four o'clock and planned to go for about an hour or a little more. After about half an hour, I caught up with two women that asked me to take a picture of them. I did and we wound up walking together for a little while because there is only one way to go. I wound up talking to them some as we hiked and they were really nice and fun to hike with. I've been hiking alone (with dogs) mostly lately and it was nice to actually have some conversation.

We got to the place that I planned to turn around and go back and the two women asked if I wanted to keep going with them. They planned to hike a loop that, according to them, they were close to the half way point. I decided to go with them. Unfortunately, we were more like 1/4 of the way through the loop rather than half way, but we didn't realize this until later.

So we continue hiking and are having good conversations. It was just really nice to talk to normal people. Over the course of the hike, we all talked about changes that we are going through in life and I talked about my marriage. I was able to do it in a way that didn't drag everyone down and I think I got some pretty good insight and perspective from them. But I didn't allow it to dominate the conversation and most of what we talked about was light hearted stories to pass the time and keep us moving.

We were hiking through some really rough areas and we went slow to avoid injuries. And then the rain started. Holy cow it rained. And the rain made everything slippery and slowed us down further. It rained for most of the last half of the hike. And the wind picked up too and made it start getting really cold. It was actually pretty funny because we knew the park closed at 9, and we were pretty sure the gates stayed open until 10, but we weren't sure. None of us had planned to be still hiking that late. So we were pushing ourselves to get back so we wouldn't get stuck up there. We wound up making it back to the parking lot at 8:50. Anxiety about not making it and concern about the rain and darkness were quickly gone. I thanked the women for the hike and their company and they did the same. We were all pretty glad that we had found each other and stayed together. We all three pushed ourselves harder than we normally do and we worked our way through some rough terrain in crappy conditions.

My cell phone had died during the hike and it was way later than I had intended. I was worried that my wife would be worried about me. As soon as I got back to my office, I plugged in the cell phone to send a text to let her know I am ok and on my way home. She had sent texts every hour or so as it had gotten late, just checking on me and somewhat concerned. As I was driving home, she continues texting me and accusations start coming - I've really been at my parents house plotting a divorce, I'm with another woman, etc. I just turn off my phone because the battery is dead anyway. When I get home, she yells (through the door) at me about what I later figured out was a text that came after I turned my phone off. I know that getting back so late is probably triggering some of her issues, but on the other hand it will serve as a test of the "freedom" that she has now given me. Did she really mean it or was she just trying to say what I wanted to hear?

Now, I'm concerned about telling her all of the details about the hike. She's already made the accusation that I'm seeing someone else, so if I tell her about it, she will just think that it confirms what she was thinking and I'm just not giving her the whole story. But then if I don't say anything, it'll just be something I'm keeping from her and could likely be worse. She keeps thinking that I'm meeting someone when I take the dogs for a hike, which is ridiculous and I often invite her to go with me and she knows the invitation is always open. But I think it will be best to just be completely honest and let her react as she will. I'm starting to realize that I need to quit fearing her reactions.

I think today may be the day she is planning to break our "time to reflect on ourselves" and talk again. We'll see how it goes. I think these few days that we haven't talked have given her time to cool down and reflect, but they've just continued to confirm to me that I feel peace when I'm not on an emotional roller coaster with her.

[NotASnowflake]

Oh and her reply when I told her I was soaking wet from getting caught in the rain while hiking - "good, I know you hate getting rained on (I wear glasses and glasses don't work so well when they are wet and there is nothing to dry them) so you probably deserved it"... .