breaking point of the mind.

[Blimblam]

Around Christmass time I checked my exBPDs cell phone messages and discovered she was cheating on me.  At that point something in my mind just snapped and I entered a sort of paranoid schizoid delirium.  It felt like a bad mushroom trip.  I had been so trusting of her and the month or two up until that point she had slowly became more and more abusive with her invalidating me belittling snide comments strategically placed. her body language saying one thing and she lying making me think I wasn't seeing what I was seeing.  She was a master of subtly.


It felt like in movies where they describe brainwashing someone they reach a sort of breaking point and their mind snaps well it felt like that.

After that I saw a bunch in my ex that was extremely disturbing.  She has 'true grit,' as portrayed in the movie.  She is a hustler master manipulator and she is aware of it. My suffering was directly linked to her boost in self esteem; she was feeding off of me. But enough about her.  I was hallucinating. If you have ever taken magic mushrooms and got the feeling you could read people in a way that was way way deeper, that is what I felt.  It was like I could read people and was picking up on a ton of information I didn't want to know. Also when her cousin and friend were playing the most recent GTA it was like the talk radio station was talking to me telling me stuff. I felt like I was in a waking dream and it was a nightmare.

I eventually boosted myself up with hope things would work out and all that subsided until the cPtsd kicked in when she started triggering me with her abusive behaviors.

I am wondering if any of you reached a sort of mental breaking point and what that was like for you?

I am trying to figure out what happened with that and what it was/means.

[Mutt]

I think that I can relate Blimblam. Trust. Despite all of the denigration that she was putting me through, I was in self denial. I knew there was someone else in the r/s. A triangulation for her to cope from our primary relationship.

I didn't want to believe that she was going to go as far as breaking a sacred foundation of our r/s and marriage and she did. When she said "Mutt I'm done. I'm moving on." I was devastated and it felt like an out of body experience. I was absolutely shocked, stunned, gobsmacked at her audacity with her actions and selfishness after giving her everything i had.

She broke what little trust that i had left in her. It was all gone from that point on, everything changed between us. It felt like a knife to the heart. For me it was the heart that she broke, not the mind.

[seeking balance]

I think that I can relate Blimblam. Trust. Despite all of the denigration that she was putting me through, I was in self denial. I knew there was someone else in the r/s. A triangulation for her to cope from our primary relationship.

I didn't want to believe that she was going to go as far as breaking a sacred foundation of our r/s and marriage and she did. When she said "Mutt I'm done. I'm moving on." I was devastated and it felt like an out of body experience. I was absolutely shocked, stunned, gobsmacked at her audacity with her actions and selfishness after giving her everything i had.

She broke what little trust that i had left in her. It was all gone from that point on, everything changed between us. It felt like a knife to the heart. For me it was the heart that she broke, not the mind.

I don't think I could have written my story any better for you Blimblam - I saw what I needed to see in all face of logic.  I desperately needed to believe it would all work out.  The final time she left to "find herself" after MC, I was shocked, stunned, hysterical and then a calm came over me because I knew I was done - it was done.  2 days later when she came back - I said she had to leave.  My mind was finally clear again, but my heart and even my faith was destroyed.

[Blimblam]

thanks for the responces mutt and seeking,

I am curious because I am not sure what it means that my mind broke like that. I was hallucinating and it was like a somatic connection between that and my anxiety in my solar plexes chest and stomache.  My heart broke too but the fact my mind did disturbs me.  My perception of sound sight and motor control were distorted. 

I am familiar with abuse and have been cheated on before by a BPD girl before.  When my mind snapped something changed in me or was brought to the surface. Initially it was like a strong bad trip on mushrooms that lasted several days.

When I get anxiety attacks it is like I am reliving the moment of my mind snapping. It is crippling and when it gets bad I can not even drive, or do much of anything.

[qwaszx]

Hey, I inderstand much of what ur feeling/experiencing... there where a couple times my mind just snapped... .I didn't understand what was going on, though unlike u I never hallucinated, just felt really out of it... like watching my life as though I wasn't really apart of it... .it was a really slap in the face when she painted me black the first time, and when I caught he in lies about big issues where she was gas lighting and playing my emotions and empathy against me... .a lot of it felt like shock... I used to be always really calm and paticent with everything she did, taking care of her needs before mine, validating and supportive, with out much of the same in return, or only on her account... .for me when my mind snapped it was telling me I needed to "wake the heck up", and face reality because my mind couldn't handle the abuse anymore... and forced me to look at myself. Emotionally I can't even be apart of her life without my triggers setting off when she acts/looks/feels/etc a certain way... it just puts me on my as* so to speak... .those moments are what made me realize I had to walk away, and truly take care of me of I wanted any sort of life outside of this... .

[LostGhost]

Well this doesn't have to do with my expwBPDgf but I can share what happened at the breakdown of my marriage to my ex-wife. Met when I was 16, together for 13 years. She was all I knew, my whole concept of identity and reality. At age 28 she became more and more distant but I didn't discover what was going on until one brutally painful morning. She excitedly told me she was meeting some friends from work and would be back later for our planned evening out. She borrowed my car and away she went.

The universe, or whatever... .tapes me on the shoulder and said "Something's not right here". So I listened, jumped in our secondary vehicle and followed her to some apartment building. I parked in a lot across the way and watched for hours, many things going through my mind. I texted her and asked her how the mall was "Oh it's good. Heading to a movie". But all lies of course as I'm watching and waiting. Hours go by and my brain gets crazier. Eventually I ask "Are we still going out tonight or... .?"

Finally she comes out of the apartment with some guy. They kiss. She gets in the car and drives away. I follow her home and arrive at the same time. The expression on her face when she sees me is a combination of fear and shame.

Well to relate to your story... .I was a mentally stable guy with a great house in a beautiful suburb, lots of friends and hobbies, a loving wife and dog, stable high paying career that I'd had since 19 years old. I lost the wife and she took the dog. The home became a haunted house of sorts where'd I'd hallucinate, hear her laughter, her voice, the dog walking through walls. I'd hear her showering when nobody else was there. I slept on the floor of my closet with no light or sound just to drown out all the "noise". I watched an astronaut he float from the bedroom window and bound across the floor and into the closet from my bed. I saw faces in the neighbour's fence staring at me. I had horrendous nightmares of kicking down the guy's apartment door to find them having sex and unloading a 12 gauge before ending my own life. I was plagued by constant suicidal ideations. I started to resemble a mental patient.

This went on for an entire 10 months from start to finish. My parents were a great support, as was my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. Nobody understood what she was doing or why. I still don't but I'm not angry with her. I never was. For whatever reason I was never capable of being angry. I suppose part of me acknowledges we became like roommates so I am partially responsible for her affair. And another part days... .well, she did right by me for 13 years. That speaks volumes of what she thought of me. Most high school relationships don't get that far.

The therapist I was seeing basically described it as my own personal Hiroshima. A nuke went off and annihilated everything I thought I knew or believed in, including my identity. I was left with nothing by the end. My ex wife was probably the kindest ex wife you could ask for though. Never asked for a thing, never hounded me for money or a share of the house or anything. I think she saw what she did to me and how broken I'd become. No longer a man, but some traumatized creature that shambled about in his own world. I think her family probably told her to leave it be too.  She tried to reconcile with me once when I came home from the hospital but her heart wasn't in it. I was pretty disheveled looking, lost around 45 lbs and was very gaunt. She embraced me, cried and cried and said she was sorry. I held her and said it was ok. She said she had to do this for her own happiness and away she went.

I can't believe the tears that erupted out of me over those 10 months. Awful episodes of crying my soul out in that closet, clutching at my chest in agony and begging for death because the pain was too much. I surrounded myself with photographs of the two of us. I pulled out a box of memorabilia that went back to literally the day we met. The first item was a gum wrapper from a piece of gum I gave her on the bus when she met me. She kept it all those years, along with hundreds of other meaningless tokens. I was ordered off work the entire time due to mental health. Spent weeks in and out of psych ward.

I don't know when or why or how but eventually I started recovering. I exercised like a zealot, learned meditation and yoga, I learned to cook, I restarted my art and creative writing that I'd lost and I went back to work. And that's where I met my now expwBPDgf. The person that rescued me from my despair, listened to me with intent and loving gazes, professed endless love for me, that I was her soulmate. She was incredibly impressed by my talents and skills and couldn't understand why my ex wife did all those horrible things. She'd take care of me. She'd kiss it all better. She took a broken man and lifted him up on a pedestal high above the rest of the world. And in return I gave and gave, worshipped the ground she walked on, showering her with endless amounts of affection, money, whatever she wanted or needed. And for the next 7 months my life was euphoric bliss filled with endless hope, optimism and dreams fuelled by the intense desire and love this woman gave to me. Until she didn't give it to me and it became push/pull, hot/cold and finally abandonment when she came home one night and said she'd been at her ex's.

The mind has a breaking point. It does not require drugs or psychosis to get there. Acute, traumatic events in our lives have the power to bring us there instantly. Your situation may well differ from my own but I do understand your pain.

Now I'm stuck somewhere between still grieving the life I lost with my ex wife and the love I still have for my exgf that was taken away far too suddenly just when I had started to get my life back together. I'm a lost ghost. I suppose we all are. We're all here mourning together in confusion, trying to join together in finding clarity and a path forward.

[mywifecrazy]

Wow LostGhost... .Wow!  You ARE a good writer! I feel for you brother. Hang in there.

We ARE all kindred spirits on here. My Hiroshima bomb went off on Fathers Day 2013. My world as I knew it for 20 years was vaporized in an instant when I found my uBPDxw in bed with my neighbor and good friend. I woke up one morning and the world I knew was gone forever. My 2 sons (9&14) clung to each other and held on for dear life. My poor kids had to see their Dad in so much pain that he was crying inconsolably. I was in so much pain that I wasn't able to help them deal with their own pain and insecurity about what the future held. My kids sucked it up and put their grieving on hold to console their Dad. I was in a clinical depression and my boys mentally and emotionally took care of me. I got through it and came out on the other side stronger for having gone through it. My kids took care of me and now that have a better Dad as a result.

I never hallucinated but for 6 months I felt like the walking dead. I just want to tell you that I feel better now than I have ever felt at any point in my life. Finding out the truth can do that to a person. Your story touched me reading it. Hang in there Brother you will get through this and you WILL find peace and happiness!

Sincerely ... .MWC

[LostGhost]

Thanks MWC, and sorry for the spelling mistakes in my story. Typed from my iPhone at work. I spend so much of my time reading these boards whenever I have a moment to truly spare. The plethora of experiences and wealth of information found here is invaluable.

We all have family through blood, close friends that will listen, perhaps even therapists to provide guidance. But I find there is no greater support than to stand next to my brothers and sisters in this community and experience our pain together. Only those who have gone through this hell can truly fathom the highs and lows of being in a relationship with a BPD.

It's very cathartic and therapeutic here. I've learned not only who my partner was behind the multitude of masks but I've also learned about myself, about the rescuer mentality.

I can honestly say I don't think of my ex wife too often. When I do, it's usually the positive memories and only very brief and sporadic moments. I always told myself only a greater love will release me from this pain and replace the love lost. And it was true. But now that I've lost that live too, my mind is consumed in a hurricane of thoughts regarding my exgf. Something about this BPD takes hold and grasps with a terrible strength and won't let go. Every day I am a little stronger. It's a bit like snakes and ladders where some days I move backwards but overall there is a forward momentum.

Does anyone else dream about their ex on a nightly basis? Good dreams? Bad dreams? Sexual dreams? I have all of the above. Every single night.  She haunts me. Part if me is afraid of the day I stop dreaming about her.

MWC you went through hell and survived. Not only that, you came out stronger and wiser on the other side. You're a beacon in the night for the rest of us walking dead stumbling through this fog. I'm not yet willing to come to the light. I'm still looking over my shoulder, waiting to see a glimpse of my exgf telling me to wake up from this nightmare and come back to her. Doubtful that's going to happen. But there is a promise of hope offered by the stories on these boards. One way or another we move forward, with or without our exes. Thanks for your support!

[Blimblam]

Wow lost ghost what a story! Thank you for sharing.  Your story has been incredibly validating to me.  I too at times would hear things that weren't there.  Yes I think it has to do with how immersed in that relationship I was and the level of vows I took during the truama bond.  It was like I went all in after the truama bond was formed I fully believed in it and invested every fiber of my being and soul and finances hopes and dreams.  I held nothing back. 

I've dated and had rs with borderlines before but this affected me exponentially more than any other time.  I think it was the level of invesentmemt I put into it when I formed the truama bond

[Whichwayisup]

Thankyou for your captivating honesty LostGhost , certainly a lot of what you touched on has been true for me; you truly have an engaging writing style. 

You seem to have acheived such logical self awareness, perhaps the emotions are starting to catch up bit by bit?

Take Care,

Whichwayisup

[LostGhost]

Thank you for your kind words Whichwayisup, I appreciate your feedback and for listening to my story. I hope it helps others feel a little more comfortable with some of the thoughts or feelings that arise during this process. A lot of what occurs in the mind in the aftermath of these relationships may be uncomfortable and difficult to understand. It's a painful journey.

And Blimblam... .I have to thank you for posting this thread. The next night, I felt compelled to drive back to my old house and parked outside in the rain for a while. It was difficult to accept that there's a new family behind that door now, making their own memories in a home that once was the foundation for my own hopes and dreams. I glanced at the bedroom window and recalled how many times I'd stood up there peering through the blinds to where I was now parked, hoping I'd see my ex-wife's car pull up, waiting for her to come back. I was a lingering spirit waiting on the cliff for their loved one to return from their voyage across the sea.

I wondered if the people there could sense the madness that I succumbed to in that home over the course of a year. I imagined them going into the walkin closet in my bedroom and having no idea I had writhed around in inconsolable pain for months in there, waking from recurring nightmares covered in cold sweat, staring at the stucco ceiling and seeing stars and the blackness of space. I ruminated in there for countless hours while the world outside went on without me. I contemplated my final act in life many times. I plotted detailed plans and methods to exact revenge on the man who "stole" my ex-wife.

The first time my ex-gf came over to that house, it was like her very presence radiated a purifying light that cast away months of anguish. That haunted house returned to it's former glory that day just having her walk through it. We fell ridiculously in love over the two months we spent there until it was sold. Endless laughter, singing, dancing, deep conversations, intense lovemaking. I would give just about anything to return to live in that fantasy. It was difficult to let go of that house, having experienced so many profound and personal moments there. The rest of our relationship was spent living in her sister's basement while we made plans for our future. Most all of the money I received from the sale was invested in the emotional black hole of BPD through gifts, trips, entertainment and an engagement ring that never made it to her finger. The last fight I said "I would go... .but I have nowhere to go?" She just sat there crying repeating "You have to let me go" like a broken record. I don't know what it is about those words but they traumatized me. Hearing them now conjures up a lot of confusing emotions. I walked out of there with the clothes on my back and slept in my car in a Walmart parking lot for a week after.

I feel I lost my mind for a while but I don't blame my ex-wife or my ex-gf. What they orchestrated was painful and cruel but people have affairs all the time, marriages end and families fall apart on a daily basis. The depth and complexity of my personal hell was directly related to the amount I personally invested in them and the belief of what our relationships represented. I put all my eggs into one basket so to speak. I thought I was immune, safe, secure... .that it would always be that way. I am told that everything should be a balancing act, everything in moderation is healthier than one thing to excess. I've always rejected the idea to be honest. In my core I thought love meant giving everything, holding nothing in reserve. Clearly I'm wrong. It was never about smothering mind you. I was respectful of personal space. But both of these meaningful relationships ended catastrophically. In both relationships I invested every part of my being - especially the most recent with my ex-gf. And they both ended with abandonment. It's hard not to focus the blame inward after two in a row

Last week was ok. Today I wake up feeling that I am suffering again. No real rhyme or reason. The pain ebbs and flows. Hopefully you're all managing your own struggles today better than I am. Fridays are lonely.

[LostGhost]

A really rough day  I invest so much of myself in that other person, listening intently to them talking about their past/present/future, their family and friends, their hopes, dreams and fears... .I get caught up in their world. I am fulfilled being a rescuer/protector/knight.

I find myself yearning to just be able to talk to her like before. It's so incredibly disheartening to know she probably rarely thinks of me. She used to be so excited to tell me small events going on in her day. I miss that.

I invested so much of myself in her that when she walked out of this relationship, she took me with her if that makes sense. My ex-wife took the old me too. So now there's two versions of me being carried around out there with two different women. Right now I'm nothing more than a shadow looking for the next (most likely BPD) woman to provide me substance and form again so that I can feel human, so I can feel life in every breath, taste the food I cook... .just feel like running, biking, working out, going to work... .doing anything... .is actually worthwhile and meaningful. I'm wired differently in my head so much so that if I don't have someone to share my life with, my life doesn't have much direction or sense of purpose. I feel as if I'm apart from this world, alien to it.

[Blimblam]

Lost ghost I can tottaly relate to what you are conveying.  

Our investment in "them". But what I am realizing is what happened is I projected my hopes and dreams onto her and she fed off of that and mirrored it back to me it was me the entire time it hurts so bad because my hope is enmeshed I. My idea of her and I need to reclaim it which is an extremely difficult process.

It's not just invested in her it is in the idea of who I want to percieve myself as in society. The struggle for narrative creating situations in life that create the fantasy we want to perceive ourself as is a source of suffering whether we internalize it or project it it exists in everything.  The struggle to have our fantasy narrative become our reality is the name of the game but that is our own narcissism to see our selves as seperate and we are confronted with the reality of that conflict

[Blimblam]

I am beside myself right now shaking. I lost so much of my business I've lost my ability to support myself bout 40,000 of investment this is so hard to deal with I want to blame my ex but that's not fair but the anxiety was so bad I had lost my mind for a while unable to function. I failed I did what I had to to not kill myself but now that I'm still alive and have my sanity back how do I take responsibility for what happen and not internalize the shame and humiliation of failing so badly?  It like the domino effect and as they keep tumbling down it is just one level of devedtation after the next.  I reAched out for help to the people close to me I did all I could given my condition.  This is the only place I can turn to for any kind of understanding.  What did I do to deserve this?

[LostGhost]

Seems we're both struggling today blimblam. I can sense your pain and anxiety in your words my friend

You're right blimblam. I'm positive she was just a reflection of my fantasy world. Everything I wanted and desired, she somehow manifested it into my reality. She was able to do this casually and without effort so as to make it seem natural, like she really was my soulmate. I guess that's where I'm struggling the most. I spent 7 months in a relationship with my perfect self, just a mirror reflection of me at my highest potential. She brought out the best version of me.

I have a great fear that my next relationship, if not with a pwBPD, will be... .well... .boring. I don't want to sit across from someone at a dinner table and think "Well, she's got all these great qualities  but she's not my ex and I don't have any of the same feelings or intensity here... .". What an awful situation that would be for my date and for myself as well. I don't want to feel numb to other women. Right now I feel like my ex-gf put a hex on me... .some terrible curse where I may only love, desire and think of her. I'm not looking at other women saying "Wow she's attractive/funny/intelligent/charming". I just look around and observe, "there's a female, there's a stop sign, there's a motorcycle, there's a bus".

I don't have a lot of answers either. I'm always carrying around more questions. I think the only solution is to remain present. Conjuring up the past brings about a horrifying amount of negative emotions and energy that overwhelms us because of the devastation and ruin we find there. Anticipating the future causes anxiety because we are forced to believe our past will dictate our future encounters too. The present might be uncomfortable but it's where we can begin our healing. Hold onto whatever we're feeling right now, acknowledge it and deal with it one step at a time.

Today is a tough day. Fridays seem to be that way now

Hang in there brother.

[Blimblam]

Lost ghost

I feel like I'm talking to myself saying this as I recognize those same emotions you convey in myself.  

I was caught up in thinking about no one being able to compare to her, but think about all of the emotions experienced with her as part of a whole. All part of the same emotion but experienced one piece at a time subjectively because of the illusion of time.  

What she mirrored back was just part of you but only the parts you wanted to see in yourself.  How you want to see youself not you in your entirety. It felt so amazing because all of a sudden you didn't feel all the emotions you hide from that are within you then at the end you feel all the painfull emotions hidden deep down except for hope.  Like Pandora's box  she keeps your hope in her box because when you feel hope now you feel hope for her.  Reclaiming hope without creating a fantasy or disacotiationg will give us back our source of strength.

[Blimblam]

Well I've gotten to the point I needed to get to. Which is reclaiming hope and I need to do that for myself and now the next steps I need to take are finding that place from myself so after a lot of posting im going to take a brake from posting. I guess I had to get mad. Im so greatful to everyone on here and I'll make another post after I read through all my past posts. to thank everyone. After some self reflection I'll be back

[maternal]

"You have to let me go."

I heard these words over and over and over again.  What the ___ is that?

I don't think that I ever felt the "crack" in the mind, so to speak, or... .not yet, anyway.  I'm still coming to terms with the profoundly huge effect that this man has had on my life.  While I recognize the "gift" that he has given me, it does not take away any of the pain.  I was in such a deep depression for such a long time, I think I was too tired to break.  The confusion and crazy-making have left me in some kinda way... .  I'm definitely MUCH stronger almost three months out, but I have a long way to go... .

[LostGhost]

Blimblam, you've reached a milestone in your journey it seems. I applaud you! Take all the time in the world to reflect on the experience and knowledge you now possess. I believe you will return much stronger. I look forward to your next update to see your progress. Don't be too hard on yourself if you have days where you slip back into the pit.

Maternal - it's a good question! I understand the literal meaning of the phrase but I've never actually heard someone say it until she did. It was so bizarre. "What do you mean let you go? I thought yesterday you said we were soulmates?"

"Let me go. You have to let me go!" Along with "I want my mom. I wish my mom was still here."

Truthfully? And this is probably just my optimistic view... .I think while she was rocking back and forth sobbing and muttering this phrase, she knew she was about to go full blown dysregulatiom and the last sane and rational part of her mind, maybe the last loving part she had left in her heart, was warning me to run as fast and far away as I could before she transformed. And she did transform literally by the next day. Back with her ex, different hair, different clothes, different person. If it wasn't a warning... .I don't know what it was  It haunts me even three months later.  Do not enjoy the feelings that memory conjures up.

[maternal]

I don't have the ability to switch off those emotions / feelings as he does, but he needed me to do so because the "burden" of my love is too much for him to bear.  His shame in regard to the pain he causes is too much for him to face, so he needs me to "let go".  It's been almost three months now, and I'm better, but I'm still quite lost.  I imagine that will linger for quite some time.  And he will move on, if he hasn't already, to the next victim.  I think his hateful words of a few weeks ago were him trying to "purge" me so he can focus on the next one.

I can't imagine his struggle, nor do I want to.  I would like, though, to be able to shake this "connection" I feel to him.  I am so drawn to him and have this damn attachment that I just want to throw off.  I wonder if he'll ever leave my mind.  He doesn't deserve the space he's taking up inside of me.  I need that space for myself... and then possibly for someone else who is actually able to love me.

[mywifecrazy]

I wonder if he'll ever leave my mind.  He doesn't deserve the space he's taking up inside of me.  I need that space for myself... and then possibly for someone else who is actually able to love me.

Well said and so true for ALL OF US!

[bb12]

I have found that my mental state has gotten worse in many ways as it got better in others.

I had hoped that knowledge would be power, but it hasn't turned out that way. Despite learning so much about BPD, and then my own FOO, Codependency and my tendency to make relationships all about the other person, this awareness has not translated into any meaningful gain in a practical sense. I feel more educated about stuff, but also more neurotic.

I monitor myself constantly now  and can feel completely crazy at times. At a party I can have questions like these racing through my head... .Why did I say that? Am I being codependent? was that the behaviour of a love addict? Am I trying to control them? Should I care if they like me or not? Do I love myself enough for this person's opinion to not count?

I feel my recovery from borderline abuse has come with a nasty set of side effects. I can feel very isolated from the world and really feel my alone-ness. Go to work. Come home. Walk the dog. Watch TV. Bed. Repeat. And there is a zombie-like element to my mental state. As much as I long for connection and a healthy relationship, something in me is hyper vigilant and too suspicious of people. I also want it too much. I can feel quite desperate to meet someone... .just to be sure that the whole xBPD break-up wasn't all my fault. And that desperation is a turn-off. In the 2.5 years since my break-up I have not come close to dating again and can feel very anxious and broken

bb12

[Blimblam]

Ok I'm back I took that next step for myself from myself. 

I found hope again but realize it's is the same feeling I found in my big breakthrough moment.  What it really feels like is layer by layer as I work through my issues I like a BPD person go into vulnerable child mode where I am quite frantic, my mind is scattered feelings of dread anxiety attack and all my schemas are activated.  My inner critic or punitive parent is scolding my vulnerable child.

I needed a break from here which I actually thought would be much longer but I found what I needed to find rather than what I wanted to find.

I expect it to continue like this also as layer by layer these emotions are worked through. 

You see I had become afraid that I had not found my own inner source of hope from myself but rather from this place.  But while this place gave me hope innitially when I broke through back out of my shadow I found my own source it is just so fragile and needs nurturing. 


I've located a memory that is the source of a lot of my truama and it is from getting lost in a casino in Las Vegas when I was 3 years old.

I thought yeah maybe I am BPD for a while but my mind breaking was, I think just a door into my unconscious where all my repressed issues were hidden and now they are ever present to be Delt with and I think that is something BPD are facing their entire lives these things but just barely under the surface. It truly has been a terrifying experience.

My biggest lesson is being honest with myself about creating the space I need to heal and from this forming boundaries.

Another major thing I realized is there is no such thing as rock bottom at least for myself.  Things definately could have gotten much worst and more painfull. 

I recognize what the anxiety attacks ptsd is.  It is the uncoincious repressed emotions crossing that bridge and rising up to the surface.

What comes to mind is in Greek myth they often have to pay the guy with the boat two gold coins to cross into the underworld.  The bridge I speak of is this same passage.

While the level of intensity of my anxiety attacks has deceased dramatically like a different plane of existence they are still persistent and I feel phisically Ill. Sometimes I feel drunk or like I can barely hold myself upright or I could easily pass out while standing or in the middle of whatever I'm doing and just collapse right there.

When I experience all these intense emotions I say to my self a mantra who's is a quote from te band tool.  "You are just a part of me". 

There are also moments where I can feel that emptiness in my chest start to refill like right now it feels like and intense heat in my chest creating some substance starting to fill back up.  It is not energizing it is a flooring experience but my mind I clearing a bit. 

Wow now I feel energized. This last 5 minutes has been pretty huge I can actually feel the empty space in my chest begin to fill up. 

[happylogist]

Does anyone else dream about their ex on a nightly basis? Good dreams? Bad dreams? Sexual dreams? I have all of the above. Every single night. sad She haunts me. Part if me is afraid of the day I stop dreaming about her.

She doesn't haunt you, but you are trying to find answers by haunting her image and memories. When you sleep your brain starts processing all the information (emotional and intellectual) giving you bizarre dreams of her presence because there are no answers and our brains do not accept "no answers", we need to understand and rationalize, find our and others fault... but the problem with these situations that there are no clear answers, so we always second-guess.  Accept that she will be in your mind as long as you haven't accepted her constructive and abrupt destructive part in your life.   

I find that the radical acceptance helps even in the dreams. Because during these dreams we are half-awake (this is why we do not feel rested after sleeping like that), it is relatively easy to channel the dreams. I sort of say "yes, you are here, but you are the past now" or something along these lines. It is a bad metaphor, but it is like with a terminal disease, either we accept and move on and try to enjoy the rest of the life with a better quality or constantly grieve, reject and try to find answers to "why me?".

[Blimblam]

I have nightmares constantly but it is retrieving unconscious memories I typically wake up feeling like total crap and spend 1-3 hours processing them feeling them in my body and my mind gets real quiet almost to the point of sleeping something I can't explain happens where that emotion Is processed and I "wake" up from the hypnotic state feeling refreshed. It helps if I write a poem down before doing the self hypnosis thing. And wen I'm done going for a walk.

[Vatz]

LostGhost,

Never imagined anyone could have honest-to-god hallucinations after that. I really hope you turn it around, I do. Being cheated on affects folks a little differently. I suppose with how you built yourself up and your life, to have it all shatter like that isn't something I can even fathom. I'm so sorry. The nightmares, the sense of being lost... .

That kiss. I know about it because I saw it too. Circumstances were different and my version wasn't as bad. But by that point, I wasn't surprised when I saw it. Abuse can do that, abuse makes you do all sorts of math in your head about what they're up to.

But at least you know that we're in the same boat, and everyone here knows what you're going through. It's gonna sound cheesy, but hey you still have us, right?    I won't say it gets better, but I'm hoping it does for you. As I hope it does for everyone else here.


As for my breaking point, was sometime in March of 2013. She confessed to having slept with someone else. My initial reaction caught me completely by surprise, and it's embarrassing because my adrenaline was practically coming out of my pores and blood was rushing in the last place I'd expect it to. I could *feel* my pupils dilating and all the colors seemed brighter and her hand never felt so soft while I was holding it. Maybe it was my body's way of protecting me from the emotional pain, but it was sort of a gamble. I mean, the reaction made some sense, I read the literature regarding infidelity, evo-psych, etc. But it was how she responded to it that just... .

Let's just say, seeing my reaction did nothing for her. *That* was the point where it just felt like I've been castrated. I never felt so worthless in my entire life. Not the cheating, that wasn't what broke me. Maybe I'm not normal, and what else should I expect? That after seeing me that way, something would spark in her too? Maybe I'm just some sort of deviant shouldn't have even entertained the notion because it's completely insane. Anyway, after that I don't remember ever looking into her eyes and feeling any sort of intimacy ever again. She could not have rejected me in a worse way or a worse time. I guess I was really at my most vulnerable right then and there. Getting cheated on is bad enough, but being left hanging as well... .that's like being neutered while they ___ right in front of you. It brings up that sort of pain. I'm not sure if anyone here can relate. But I felt I needed to tell someone about this, I've been holding it in. It bothers me that I got excited because I don't like being cheated on, but it absolutely killed me that I was just left there like that. I know, she may not have been in the mood herself, and my have been experiencing her own conflicts but, there was NOTHING, no acknowledgement or anything.

Am I really some kind of freak? I mean, that even a normal person that actually "loved" me but made a mistake (and felt genuine remorse,) would just... .feel nothing at seeing me that way? Or would a normal person just hate me more for it?

I feel ugly, I feel like this is as good as I should expect out of life. A partner that ignores me and lusts after others. If I accepted this fate, I wouldn't be happy, but the thought of someone *Wanting* me, I don't know. Feels impossible. I don't like that I got like that when finding out, but... .it was worse that it was nothing to her.

[Blimblam]

vatz,

with my first BPD ex the same happened to me except I threw her down and F*cked her. Eventually she broke my will down though. with my last ex the memories I guess of being broken from my first ex came back and I felt no physical attraction to her just lost in wonderland hoping she would make amends to find a way out.  The thing I realized is at those moments they want to be punished, like you to get angry and a little rough and forcefull.

[Vatz]

The thing I realized is at those moments they want to be punished, like you to get angry and a little rough and forcefull.

An ex I had before this one was similar. While visiting me she went to visit an old friend. Turns out she gave him oral. I found out in the worst way. She said I should get tested.

Anyway, when she first told me that it was just a kiss (months prior to telling me the truth, during the visit.) I basically thought it over and told her that people do make mistakes and I'm not going to judge. This wasn't something I condone, but I wasn't going to let something like that get me down, or get in the way of our time together. It was an LDR.

But see, she told me much much later that she *WANTED* me to be angry with her, to yell or scream. I'm a passionate guy in relationships, and all that "stuff." But when it comes to crises, I put that ___ away and try to look at things through calm eyes. But I couldn't for the life of me understand why someone would WANT to be "punished." Is it a dominance thing? Is it about proving your masculinity? Is this normal? Or is it the disorder (and perhaps a combination of other factors?)

I've told my T about my reactions to some of my recent BPDEX's behavior, how although angry and hurt I kept it together. Because even after the cheating, I'd continue going about my day, talking to loved ones as if everything was fine. I'd work, I'd work out, and for all intents and purposes, the world kept turning, and so did I.

Unfortunately, deep down is where the crisis really took a toll, and all that anger and hate and disgust I'd direct at myself. I'd be disgusted with my self. In a rare moments of clarity I wonder if some of those emotions should have been directed at her. I have a hard time separating objective reality with my self-perceptions. My current T says I'm way off with how I see myself. A previous one (this one female) actually flat out said I was attractive in that way. I just, I can't see it. If this is how I'm treated, doesn't that mean I've done something or am someone who deserves it? Hence unattractive? I'm doing the math, maybe my calculator's busted, I just refuse to admit it.

Honestly, I'm taking steps to improve my self-image, but I think that scared, sad fat guy is always going to be there, and he'll always blame himself. Everyone wants the clown to dance for them, no one wants to ___ him though. Yup. Lot of work needs doing.

ANYWAY, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's like being in a relationship with a borderline is like being in a cult. The abuse affects each person differently, but the damage is always really bad. Some people never leave either. They stay trapped in that nightmare their whole lives, never escaping the emotional Jones Town.

So LostGhost, Blimblam,

If anything, ya'll did well by getting out. Everyone who's out did good. Although there's all this emptiness and uncertainty, perhaps one could spin it in a lighter side. Emptiness means a clean slate, you have room to build. Isn't that what they do in the army? I heard they break you down so they can "rebuild" you to better suit your tasks and environment. You feel empty because you put all your eggs in one basket, but the basket had holes, and you just kept putting more eggs in it. That's insanity. Build a basket for yourself. The uncertainty just means you don't know how things will go, but... .they really, truly might turn out better and it's not just malignant hope. With them, you know how it will end. You might hope, you might pray but it will always end the same. But now, your fate is more open to possibilities. It won't feel better for a long time, but this ___ stains the soul. It takes more than some seltzer and salt or whatever. You're gonna need that extra-strength stuff.

[Blimblam]

Yeah,

The army brainwashes them. Just like a borderline by the borderline years a rip in your reality all the way down to your core and yea it is a chance to rebuild.  And when it come to borderline yes it is just the disorder that person still has choice but the part of them that is genuine and authentic is a misguided lost terrified child. The disorder the child's protector convincing te child to screw everything up over and over.  The child is not even of this world and when it becomes fully present this is it's nightmare.