How are you?

[robert4574]

Well, it's been almost a month of NC and like most of you have mentioned she reached out. About every few days I get a text from her. She started with a text asking if I was out of town knowing good and well I was. Second, it was a "Happy 4th, I miss you." The next was, "How are you? Miss you." then "I hope you are doing okay, I really miss you." Last night was the latest, "Can you please just let me know you are okay!" Followed by a phone call at 3:50AM. She really knows how to get to me with these non-threatening-I-really-care messages. Either way I having a hard time not responding. It's so tough because I know she is suffering everyday, she knows she has this disorder and she knows how it effects her. It just feels so wrong to completely abandon her like everyone else in her life. Yes, I have to look out for myself, but it's so hard!

[LettingGo14]

Yes, I have to look out for myself, but it's so hard!

Thank you for writing so honestly.  I agree this is hard -- very hard. It seems there are two basic camps here, with lots of shared pain -- those abandoned with no contact, and those with contact but deep reservations about continued contact.

You are not alone.

If I could pick one thing I've read most often here, it is:  Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

I use it constantly to give myself a reality test.  

There are no "right" answers, and all paths are very hard. Space -- however achieved -- gives us a perspective that allows us to make choices, rather than react emotionally (which I did for a long time).

[Trent]

If you don't want her back in your life, block her from communicating with you so you can create space to heal and move forward.

If you do want her back in your life and want to recycle again (hey, we've all been there!) then go back.  Visit the 'staying' board here for support and ideas on how to deal with her the best you can.

You have to accept the fact that she probably won't let you go anytime soon, if ever.  You have to decide which path is best for you, and act accordingly.

You cannot fix her.  You are not her knight in shining armor anymore, and will probably be her trigger once she feels like she has you once again.  And none of it was your fault, ever... .there was nothing that you could have done differently to change this outcome.  And if you go back, accept the fact that you'll likely be right back here in a month or two with the same dilemma.  Unfortunately, this is the cycle of craziness that we've unwittingly entered in to, and it's up to us to break the cycle.

Good luck!