Grande Gestures after they start drama.

[Youcantfoolme]

This seems to be a reoccurring   theme with my brothers uBPD wife. Every time she stirs the pot and starts some drama. Before their wedding I can't even tell you how many problems she caused with our family. For a time, most of my family was seriously considering not going. Even though they ended up going, no one was happy about his choice of a partner. About a week or so before the wedding, she posts a pic of him and the new, very expensive high end car she purchased as a "wedding gift", for him. She likes to flash her money around. Obviously she cannot go dropping $50-60k every time she messes up, but she still finds ways to go over the top.

What gets me, is that she is constantly taking pictures of these material objects or other gestures she makes and has to write "got my man this new (fill in the blank) because he deserves it." In my head, if it were really about making him feel special, and not about creating this false identity of this loving, caring and doting wife, then all she would need, is his reaction to the object. I feel her posting it on Facebook and writing a little caption, is more about creating the illusion that she's an amazing wife.


I remember seeing one of those memes a while back that read, "may you life one day, be as awesome as you pretend it to be on Facebook." I feel it totally applies to her. Recently she started this whole big drama, including sending nasty texts to my mother, for asking my brother of they could go out to dinner alone either the week before or after his birthday.  She was so offended that my mom wanted to spend time with my brother, that she just had to let my mom know that he she IS his family and "obviously" doesn't want to go out to dinner without her! Today was his bday and she made it a point to go out and buy a huge bundle of balloons, take a pic of it, and post it on Facebook. It's just weird. She does the same if he buys her something. It's almost as of she thinks these items are proof of their love when in reality, they are just objects.



Is this something that's common of PwBPD?

Also, on a side note, she had to post something else today that was rather distasteful, "happy bday, hope you loved your 4am wake up. Can't wait to celebrate tonight."It doesn't take a genius to figure out what she meant by that. For god sakes our grandmother is on there! Not to mentions our entire family and our mother. I'm not a prude or anything but jeez talk about tmi!

[Kwamina]

Hi Youcantfoolme,

I do believe it's common for many people with BPD to put on a mask or create an illusion for the outside world. Many people with BPD have a shaky sense of self and try to derive any sense of self from the way they believe other people perceive them. These tangible items and pictures might be a tool for her to try to stabilize her shaky inner core. Do you feel this might be the case with your brother's wife?

Another thing that comes to mind is the use of 'grande gestures' as you put it to get away with things. Based on how you describe her behavior, I get the impression that you suspect she might be using these grande gestures to manipulate others in letting her off the hook. Unfortunately manipulation is also a quite common characteristic of people with BPD. I for instance have an uBPD sister and after her most extreme BPD outbursts, she always assumes an evenly extreme victim role. You could say she goes into full damage control mode, not because she realizes or feels like she has really done something wrong, but because she does realize that she won't just get away with her extreme BPD outbursts.

[Botswana Agate]

NOT A DIAGNOSIS AT ALL, but aren't other PDs co-morbid with each other?  Assuming that's the case, this almost sounds a bit like histrionic personality disorder, with the grandiose part.  Just a hunch.

[Youcantfoolme]

Kwamina I believe that is EXACTLY what's going on. I think she also does it, to reassure herself that's she's a good wife. She bases her view on herself, on what other people think because she isn't sure of who she is. That is why she posts the pics.

The gifts themselves however, are a tool to manipulate my brother. She knocks him down and then tries to pick him back up and look like the hero. My brothers mind is warped too. His ex who he was with for 6 years and engaged for two, never did anything really nice for him. He used to complain that she never put thought into his gifts. Now because of that, he confuses love with money and material objects. I also think it stems from our father too. Whenever we'd complain about him and the way he treated us, my mom would always point out things like, he brought us on vacations, or got is tons of Christmas gifts. That's not what we were complaining about though. We just wanted a father who acted loving towards us and wasn't always yelling and putting us down.

As for the Victim role, yes she's ALWAYS the victim and my brother always falls for it. Like she's this poor, innocent girl just trying to make it through this rough and cruel world!


BOTSWANA, i don't know much about HPD but I do know narcissistic personality disorder is the kissing cousin of BPD. Before my brother had "diagnosed" her with BPD, I was 100% convinced, she was NPD. I still think she's NPD as well. She is completely in love with herself, has grandiose thoughts and is always lying and exaggerating about her life and her accomplishments.

[ThrowAwayChild]

Youcant?  It is sort of gross to watch, read, or listen to isn't it?  Let us call it cringe worthy.

I made the acquaintance of a woman several years ago that reminds me of her.  They had the appearance of having a lot of money which I suppose in their minds made them look good, happy, complete, above it all?  When she refused to stand up to formally greet someone being introduced to and instead chose to remain seated with her shoe dangling from her toe I knew she was a cow.  When she called in the most sing-song voice to her husband "Which car are we taking tonight dear?  They Lexus or the Toy?" I knew we were all in the midst of Princess Wanna Be. Our weather people should pick these people up and report them like bad cells.

[funfunctional]

You can't fool me!

Yes.   I can resonate with a lot of what you said.  My sister uses Facebook to stage an image of perfection that doesn't exist.  She also uses it as a passive aggressive tool.   Then there are the attention getting posts.  She posted last night "at the hospital" at 2am.   

These people with BPD are suffering.   They are fighting their own inner demons.   Sadly - we are all here because we can't fall victim to it all or get dragged in.

The material goods is trademark of my BPD MIL.

Do you think once we all know these trends and characteristics it is easier now "not" to respond?

[Youcantfoolme]

It is regally sick to watch these people struggle. I see the passive aggressive Facebook things ALL THE TIME! She's constantly trying to throw our bait to whom ever she's battling (which seems to be someone, at all times). She only seems to post when it's to brag, talk about drinking or to send some cryptic message to someone.

Is materialism a know trait amongst BPD? Everytime she talks it's like she's constantly rattling off numbers like she's some type of auctioneer! She needs to tell you how much everything costs. Money seems to be her main focus at all times. It seems like she's constantly spending money. She seems to have an endless money pit. At times I wonder if she's some head king pin of an international drug cartel or something. I can't see that the job she had, pays as well as says it does. She told my brother she makes well over 6 figures. Way over 100K! She's in a sales position for a nationally known ins. Co,. Her salary base salary is very meager and I highly doubt she has enough charisma to pull in over 100k! I think she lives beyond her means. Plus her exhusband is an exec at a big company too. Most likely he's paying the regular 17% for child support which probably equals a nice chunk of change for her!

At the same time, she spends a lot, she's ALWAYS looking to save. She's borrows a lot of stuff from friends and always gives the cheapest gifts. She is always looking for a break and a discount or hookup. Makes no sense to me!

[funfunctional]

Sounds like she is really out of control and a bit delusional.   I think a lot of people are materialistic and want to show other people their importance & success by flaunting money.   Both BPD & non-BPD.    I am really not sure if it is a trait of BPD - but with my BPD MIL she uses money as a dangling carrot to get people to do as she wishes/maniupulative.   BPD MIL spends more than she has.   If anyone has to feed themselves "material goods" to make them happy then I suppose that could be a part of any mental illness (feeding oneself material goods).   Material goods=happiness ?

Avoid the Facebook.  Trust me.  Your life will be better.  You can "unfollow" anyone that does this.  Thank God for the unfollow button. 

I am learning to just ignore & stay out of the drama.  They want to pull you in.   We can't control our loved ones that enable or stay hooked in with a person that has BPD.   

[Youcantfoolme]

Fun functions I think you're right. This is common of a lot of people. I feel bad for her that, that's all she has to "impress" people with. Unfortunately she picked the wrong person to try that with. I'm a total bargain girl and will take a good thrift store find over a overpriced name brand piece of junk, anyway. Everyone loves to have nice things but not everyone feels the need to shove it in everyone else's face.

I've long detached myself from her facebook drama. In fact I have blocked her altogether. I hear a lot of other people. I refuse to play her game at any level. I know my silence and lack of acknowledgement, is eating her up inside!

[Kwamina]

Hi  Youcantfoolme,

Sounds like she is really out of control and a bit delusional.   I think a lot of people are materialistic and want to show other people their importance & success by flaunting money.   Both BPD & non-BPD.    I am really not sure if it is a trait of BPD... .

Funfunctional raises a very good point here. One way of looking at BPD is that people with this disorder basically have the same character and behavioral traits as 'normal' people, only difference is the level of intensity in people with BPD, the extremity of their emotional responses and behaviors and the frequency of their extreme behaviors.

I've long detached myself from her facebook drama. In fact I have blocked her altogether. I hear a lot of other people. I refuse to play her game at any level. I know my silence and lack of acknowledgement, is eating her up inside!

This actually is a very good and often effective tactic when dealing with people who have BPD. By disengaging and not letting yourself get provoked, you aren't giving her any emotional energy to 'feed  off'.

[Youcantfoolme]

This actually is a very good and often effective tactic when dealing with people who have BPD. By disengaging and not letting yourself get provoked, you aren't giving her any emotional energy to 'feed  off'.

And thank you to this site because I am learning too better choose my battles!

[Panda39]

  When she called in the most sing-song voice to her husband "Which car are we taking tonight dear?  They Lexus or the Toy?"

This made me think of a story my SO told me about a Christmas present he received from his uBPDex.  The one gift he received from her that year was the window sticker out of a BMW he had admired.  At least your brother gets the actual car! 

In the case of my SO's ex she tries to make the gesture but doesn't have the financial means to actually follow through on anything... .she has disappointed her daughters over and over... .very sad to see this happen.  She is very concerned about how she is perceived by the outside world.

[growing]

I believe this trait is linked to BPD and goes hand in hand with the controlling aspect of their personalities.  My father used money and material items constantly growing up and now.  Yes, I believe it helps them with their shaky sense of self but it also helps them get what they want from people if those people allow it. 

When I was 16, my father took me to get a car.  I told him what kind I liked (a jeep), he insisted it be brand new.  He showed me a black Camero.  I did not like it, and told him that. It was not me at all.  On my birthday, he had his girlfriend at the house and opened the garage door with the brand new Camero in it.  I was crushed, but felt I couldn't be without looking like a spoiled brat. It was not me! So many dynamics here.

Him taking away my voice, showing off himself, using it later when I got angry with him. Hmmm... .The sad thing is that the recipient begins to confuse these gifts with love. 

So, buying him a new car, balloons on facebook.  Look how much she loves him! (sarcasm)  Very difficult... .

[Youcantfoolme]

Mercedes, Camaro, sounds like your dad was very much the same as my brothers wife. More wanting his "generosity" to reflect his status and not your personal taste of preferences. I know if my brother was going to pay that much for a car, Mercedes would be the last thing on his list. He'd want a muscle car like the dodge challenger. The Mercedes doesn't even fit with his personality. She wants it, so she can create this false image. She cares too much what others think about her. I know part of it is due to the fact that she is probably accustomed to that life being she grew up in a upper middle class neighborhood.