Questioning myself, swallowing pride, feeling defeated, guilty

[Flashflood]

Breaks my heart to think it, but at some point I must ask myself:

What's in it for me? And the answer is a lot of pain, sacrifice and little appreciation. And she'll never get it. She'll never understand. I'm a monster to her now, nothing more. I have no feelings -- just her feelings. If I can't accurately read and interpret them as if they are my own I am a bigger monster. I HAVE NO FEELINGS. They must be ignored now and forever!

I'm obligated to constantly be wooing her back. All periods of pleasure are inevitably paid for with a sudden break up and another cycle of wooing, each one longer than the last for shorter, more restricted good times which I have to value more and more. Any complaints and we have another rage/break up.

I'm so so so tired of absorbing all the hate and vitriol while I try so hard to show her I love her. Walking on eggshells, being criticized for every little thing through the wooing process, apologizing for everything past and present and promising to improve and do better for every thing big and small. -- All while I have to sleep in a different bed, get the cold shoulder, feel empty and lonely. Only to finally win her back for a few days, maybe a week, at which point it all starts over.

Now I just don't have the energy to start wooing her again.

Last round I tried. This after she told me I was mentally screwed up, and my mother screwed me up as a child -- she says lots of people see it and agree -- I'm a selfish, I use people, I'm a moron and I'm the rare person she's met who can't change.

I texted her reconciliation and she told me no thanks, leave me alone. I wrote her a long conciliatory email asking to see her and make it right and she ignored it. A day later she rages at me because I didn't call or visit and an email wasn't enough.

Now she really means it: never communicate with her again she says. Get therapy she says.

I just want to feel like she wants to comfort me for a change, like she wants me back.

For the first time I'm seriously questioning what's in it for me?

[enlighten me]

Hi FF

This is the heartache we have all been through or are going through.

No matter what you do its not good enough. Whatever you say is wrong and no matter how much you try to prove you love them they never believe you.

Its not your fault. This is the first and most important thing to understand. Yes you may have issues of your own. Who doesn't but they are nothing compared to your BPDs.

When we give so much for so little we have to look at ourselves and why we do this.

We are also dealing with someone who is hurting to their very core. They have built up protective measures to shield them from pain.

They have a different concept of love to us. Theirs is more like a school kids crush. It doesn't have the mutual respect and sense of oneness that we have.

They are constantly living in a state of flux and driven by fears.

You need to think about yourself. If you intend to stay then you need to feel good about yourself or you will not be able to cope. If you decide to leave then you still need to feel good about yourself.

We are all here for you and don't be afraid to post just for a vent. I know how lonely I felt in both of my relationships as I didn't feel I had anyone to talk to.

Good luck

[learnandgrow]

Boy, does this sound similar. Mine told me she "wanted me to try, but I tried too soon and the wounds were still fresh." Meanwhile, she was lining up the next victim.

I, too, was told that I was the one who needed therapy. I started to believe maybe I did. I did end up going to a therapist and still continue... .but I wasn't screwed up how she made me out to be. Instead, I'm learning how sick she was and how she projected it onto me. I'm also learning to improve myself in the process... .but we are not the sick ones. They are.

[Aussie JJ]

Ive made a promise to myself taht I'm going to see my psycologist for 12 months since the first apointment. 

It's easy to complain about the money spent on it, it's so hard to complain about the pain im enduring.