waiting for the other shoe to drop

[peiper]

Even though she got a bogus restraing order and filed divorce and has her family involved from past behavior shes going to try contacting me, she did something a month ago and said she did it to wake me up. I think this is more of the same. What scares me is deep down inside I miss her and love her. Dont know what Id do if she called.

[myself]

If she calls, don't answer.

Don't be scared of your feelings. That's who you are.

She needs to wake herself up, but she keeps dreaming.

Now that you're waking up, keep waking up.

You don't want more of the same.

You want change.

[Blimblam]

If she calls, don't answer.

Don't be scared of your feelings. That's who you are.

She needs to wake herself up, but she keeps dreaming.

Now that you're waking up, keep waking up.

You don't want more of the same.

You want change.

myself you always have great advice short and sweet and right on point.

[peiper]

For some reason Im really missing her bad tonight.

[peiper]

I cant believe how lonely that I am for her even after all shes done.

[Artimer]

Stay strong. Just this morning I got a lengthy message about everything that I've done, how I was selfish, etc.

I finally saw the projection of everything she is. At first I wanted to respond, but then I thought, that's what she wants. Might reply later and ask for everything that I gave her back including all the money 

[refusetosuccumb]

What a timely topic.  I made a discovery about myself this morning that maybe I can share with you.

I was with my ex for 16yrs.  I've been single now for 11 weeks.  I find myself lonely, but not necessarily for HIM just for comfort from another adult.  Last night I thought I was really missing him.  Then I had a dream about some really hot guy and found that dream giving me the comfort that I felt I was missing.  It's not necessarily my EX I'm missing.  Does that make sense?

Just like for our BPD ex partners, they don't miss US specifically, we just represent something to them (comfort, love, reliability).  They will find someone else to fill that gap.  Similar to us.

But for me, I need to be comfortable soothing myself when I'm lonely.  Another partner, for me, isn't in charge of making me happy.  I need to make me happy.  That partner will just be a happiness bonus.

[peiper]

I plan on staying stay strong. But my T who has worked with a lot BPDS said everyone he knows has tried to come back. That has me scared as she can so manipulate me.

[refusetosuccumb]

But you can only be manipulated if you allow her to, right?

You HAVE the power to say no.  It's uncomfortable, it's hard, and it feels very alien to do.

I have a list of all the "dealbreakers" that I allowed my ex to bulldoze me over with pleas and promises to change.  I keep it in my wallet to remind myself when I get weak.  I've gone as LC as I can with us having children together.  I've insisted on written communication only (thanks to my peeps here on bpdfamily, wise group!) and I don't answer right away.  If I answer too quickly, he then thinks that I'm at his beck and call.  A few times I've let the communication go for hours and while he may blow up my phone with texts or emails, I can only control myself.  I don't want to accidentally reinforce the idea that if he bugs me enough I'll bend.

I wish you luck!

[refusetosuccumb]

Mine did try to come back.  Last year we seperated (first and only time in 15yrs) and he pleaded and begged me to give him another chance.  Against my better judgement, I allowed him home.  It was mostly for ME to determine if I'd given it my true all.  It's way harder to get them to leave once you've allowed them home.  We officially split, for good, this past April.  Up until last week he was convinced this was all temporary.  It feels evil every time I have to reject his offer of "trying again for the kids" or telling me "we got married through sickness and in health" but I have to remind myself that we wouldn't have to keep having this conversation if he'd just accept that I'm gone for good.

Stay strong.  Post here when you get weak.  I do.   

[peiper]

Boy that shoe dropped. Found out she cheated 6 weeks after we were married.

[I Am]

I'm sorry you had to learn about the other shoe Peiper.  I have those fears myself and am slowly growing strong enough to not want to know at all.  Hang in there, each day gets a little better. 

Thanks for sharing your story Refuse...   It gives me hope.  All the best.