Silent treatment

[calmboom]

Hi I'm a new member.  It's day 4 of the silent treatment from uBPD BF after his ramp up and abrupt departure. (The story is under my new member post).

I am struggling with wanting to make contact.  I can accept (at least I think i can) if BF wants to exit the relationship for good or have more time to think or whatever but hearing nothing is unsettling in my mind.  We typically would speak everyday and had several significant reno projects in the works which were supposed to be worked on this weekend.  I am swirling a bit on this right now after being strong for the previous days.  I welcome your insights.

[calmboom]

Lots of reads but no posts on this yet.  I am really feeling the silence. One moment I am strong and busy. Others full of righteous anger. And then, deep sadness and feeling alone. Wanting to yell, Who am I to you?  The phone is my enemy.  I have to keep away from it.  So wanting to contact.  Been thinking about driving over too.  What do you do to remain strong? 

[tbddbt]

I know, its very tough. In my situation, I always want to leave but I keep coming back because "I love her". The reality, though, is probably that we love the illusion of the person that is them at their best selves. And, in fact, the person we think we loved never really existed.

[patientandclear]

CB -- silent treatment is tough.  Sometimes it's a pressure tactic -- maybe part of an extinction burst-style resistance to a new boundary you are exerting.  Often though the pw BPD is recovering from dysregulation and re-grouping.  The silence is more like dissociation.

If you are trying to reunite, what seems to work most often is for the nonBPD partner to occasionally send out warm and non-pressuring "pings" that show the light is still green and you'd love to be in touch.  The immediate response from the pwBPD might not be great, but over time, it will be remembered that you said you were open, and helps reduce their fear that you went away or will go away.

Let us know ... .

P&C

[Huh?]

All I know is that one day my ex would demand that I listen to a CD about how couples properly communicate and the deep importance healthy communication was to the relationship... .and then the next day I would be cut off and on the receiving end of silent treatment that could go on for days.  I am currently receiving it now... .going on 8 days now... .I think its pretty much over... .maybe?  I dont know. 

But during the duration of our relationship, I would get the silent treatment often for days.  Super unhealthy and toxic.  It sucks. 

[Narellan]

Hey there   my ex used to use ST all the time. Pretty much ever fortnight he'd retreat for a few days or more. If I tried to reach out the ST would last longer. He always came back saying he needed space. And it was always when his emotions were getting away from him. Like when wed spent a lot of time together and he was loving me too much. I learned to just sit back and wait it out for him to contact me when he was ready. It's so very hard to get your head around but just know it's not about you. He is dysregulated.

I would advise you not to reach out. I've read other members have tried to and their BPD has raged at them. Try to be calm and keep busy and when he comes back then have a light conversation about ST. My ex bought it up last time as I didn't mention it, and he said " everything's ok. It's always been ok" and also another time " don't over think things, lets go get a pizza" after NC for ten days!

Bizarre isn't it? Good luck x

[patientandclear]

Similar to Narellan's experience, my ex was very grateful when I would just let him be away for a while without making a big deal of it and without interrogating him about it.  Once he anticipated I would be upset, but I just reached out lightly without addressing "where the hell did you go?" and his response was so appreciative ... .he told me he'd expected I would be unhappy about his disappearance after being so intensely with me; and he had prepared this whole defensive response about how he was really busy; but then he saw I didn't criticize him for it; and it was such a relief; and I was so great.

Being OK with a lot of space is a very useful attribute in one of these r/ships.

[kiwimitch]

Hey, I really know the feeling.  I went through that for a while,,

It was like playing bloody Ping Pong.

I went to a travel expo, and found a cheap airfare to Sth America... . 

Well that was four Months ago... . 

I have been backpacking all around through Peru, Costa Rica, Chile etc. It has been great. Of course this may not work for you... .

Time, your job... .what ever... .may not allow it. 

But it has been great for me... .

Of course I carry the pain with me, but I sure clears the mind...

I am better now than I was 3 months ago...

Every holiday must end,, I just hope I am strong when I return.

But yes, I sure know what you are going through... .and it sure is not easy... .   

A day at a time, sometimes and hour at at time... . 

Time time time, time is what heals,,

Good Luck my friend... .

[calmboom]

Thanks for the insights and such wisdom and helpful feedback.

I've been passing the time by visiting friends I haven't seen for awhile and that has helped alot.  My thinking is that uBPD BF did have a significant dysregulation and needed to go quiet to regroup.  His last words to me were very heated and over the top for the situation - "We're done FOREVER".

My past behavior was to send the warm "pings" that patientandclear indicated.  In the past, BF has told me that those gestures had always reassured him to feel safe to return.  However, this time, a major boundary was crossed, so I have decided to maintain the silence and see what arises.   I am dealing with some disappointment as my eH remarried this weekend and before the issue, I had asked uBPD BF for some extra support to go out and have fun.  I rarely ask for things of this nature.  It seems futile to ask a uBPD for anything emotional as I have begrudgingly learned. 

So with the assumption that all previous plans are off, I am moving through this time on my own.

[Frankcostello]

I know the feeling of going through the silent treatment.  I went through it with my exBPDgf multiple times.  Some might say its a bullying tactic.  My exBPDgf used it against me, found out later, when she wanted to pursue other options.  It is tough going through the silent treatment.  With a healthy relationship you talk things out so that there is no resentment.  However when you are in a relationship with a person with BPD it is emotionally and physically draining.  I am now in a healthy adult relationship and we have never used the silent treatment because we talk things out when issues come up. It is much healthier that way.  It's up to you if you want to continue in a relationship with someone who uses the silent treatment because eventually it will affect you emotionally and physically and can leave you scarred long term.  It's not healthy to have be on the receiving end of the silent treatment, it is selfish on the part of the person who is using the silent treatment and it shouldn't be that way.

[Unique135]

My BPD ex came back and we had a conversation for about 3 days and he gave me the silent treatment again.  I know the reason (I told him that I have other plans and cannot meet with him on Wednesday).  Do I say anything or just ignore and move on?  I know that he thinks I am meeting another man (which I am not).  Do I just let it go or say something to him?

[Narellan]

Unique135 Say nothing. You are not at his beck and call. Don't buy into the game. This will teach him a boundary.

[Louise7777]

There are other threads on Silent treatment. I even started a couple of them. People gave me good advice, just use the search engine.

Its a very annoying thing, this ST, to say the least. Its a control and manipulation tool. I got it from a non-BPD for many years.

All I can do is suggest you to implement boundaries. He is using ST on you to see how it goes. The more you move on and detach, the better. I learnt that after a very long time. I hope you dont waste so much time as I did.

[tryingtohelp]

Hi Calm,

I am currently being subjected to week 5 of silent treatment , she just shut down, we hadn't argued , nothing negative had happened.   Despite this, and probably against better advice, I send her a text once a week , just light , pleasant 'hope things are ok for you ' type messages,  no response.   There's no point phoning her either, she will just hang up so I don't bother trying to call when she's doing this.

Do they enjoy the hurt they dish out ?  What an ego trip.

[amigo]

Hi,

I just joined the family today, and for me it is also the ST that pushed me to do it. I can't really say I am in a relationship with the uBPD(ex?)BF, since I just came off a very luke-warm first recycle, but before he would at least respond in some way to my texts or e-mails. This time, nothing. It hurts.

Never before have I contacted an ex after a break up, but with the BPDex, it is so much different! I guess part of it is, that we just don't know where we stand. If it was a Non-BPD person, I would simply accept that by giving me the ST, it means its over for them and I should just move on. But the ST from the pwBPD seems so complicated. Leads to ruminations: is he back with the ex? Did he paint me black? Does he just need more encouragement? Ugh. I have NEVER been like a love sick drug addict like this before.

Anyway, now I am just ranting. But for now, come one guys/gals, we can do it! Let's stay strong and realize that the ST has, in fact, nothing to do with us. It is an expression of their disease and completely out of our control. Let's move the focus to OUR well-being, and that does not include ruminating over why there is no response from them.

[Narellan]

Well said Amigo and welcome to BPD family! It's a great place to be

I'd just like to add that as well as it being out of our control, I also believe to a degree it out of  their control too. They are emotionally in turbulence and they need to block out the whole part of the rs with us. Pretend it's not happening. I also think it's a fear/ flight response due to fearful feelings. Not always with everyone BPD, but in my case it definitely is.

[amigo]

Good point about it being out of their control too. Although in my case there are many narcissistic traits in him too, and I can't help but think he is just busy getting supply elsewhere. Still, you are right, he probably just blocks whatever he has with me completely out of his mind, since he knows there are parts about the r/s he really likes and wants and he just doesn't want to/cannot deal with those emotions at all.

Actually my pwBPD broke the silent treatment today. Asking if I want to have dinner tonight. It felt so good. But when replied I can't, because I am working tonight, but tomorrow would work, it was immediately back to silence. Like the 2 year old, who doesn't get instant gratification and therefore just finds another toy.

I know this doesn't necessarily fit into the ST thread now anymore, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Trying to not take this personally... .

[Narellan]

Well, keep your boundaries. Mine cancelled on me at a minutes notice, but when I did it was a major drama. He needed to come first. And in my life my boys do. We had planned lunch out and my youngest needed to be picked up from school he was allegedly sick. My ex BPD got his nose out of joint when I cancelled and discussed it with his mum then came back and told me I should have left him in sick bay . I actually should have that day, as he was faking it to get out of school.

[amigo]

Wow, expecting you to leave your child in sick bay? Sad that I am not really that surprised about this kind of behavior from a pwBPD though.

In a way I am glad I have a job where I cannot compromise and I have to be there when I have to be there. It forces me to say no to him sometimes. For you it is your children. How great it must be to have them to put before the pwBPD in your life. Even if they sometimes fake being sick... .

If it was a NonBPD person, we wouldn't tolerate this double standard. I try to remind myself that he is just a selfish a-hole, but then my caretaker side takes over (and my emotional attachment) and I just can't say no. I have never let anyone treat me this badly! I have been through bad break ups, and have accomplishe so much in my life and here I am letting a man abuse me. I just don't get it.

[Narellan]

I understand completely. I left my 22 year marriage due to mental health issues on his part and sick of walking on eggshells ( bipolar). And then I do this!

My exBPD said his mum always left him in sick bay.

I believe that was true. And that was her response, he was just repeating what her views were. Also my son (14) has a history of calling me with a fictional illness. I've told them in sick bay from now on only call me if he's vomiting or a bone is protruding from his skin . I haven't been called in 4 months which us great because it was every ten days or so.

But yeah exBPD has no kids so got his nose out if joint knowing mine will always come before him.

[nanc]

I am used to the ST aswell. Having it right now. Enduring it for almost 3 years now. The ST used to be a very big issue for me. I asked him to at least send me one text once a week to let me know he is still alive. He did. But now... It turns out that because of this he is more and more depending on me to get him out of his crisis. And yes I did several times. And yes, for him the texts were some kind of life line to keep him somewhere in the real world. At least, that is how I see it right now after years of trying to cope with the ST's. It all resulted in me feeling like I have this big block of rock around my neck and keeping it above water all by myself. And so, I don't want those texts anymore. Because it is making me responsible for his well being. Right now he is trying to get out of the crisis by sending me short emails from time to time. The accusing ones unfortunately. I am responding to this yes. Just once. Trying to explain.

But I am not trying to end this ST anymore. He has to cope with this crisis himself. I cannot do this for him.

Am I right on this? Or am I just being selfish? Is there someone out there that has the same experience as I have? It is so confusing.  :'(

[Louise7777]

Nanc, I have endured ST s for years. But he was really silent for months (began with days, then weeks until it turned into months). I can tell you from my experience, that its a control issue. They come to us as if nothing had ever happened. I told him: Oh, Im not grounded anymore? :v

I understand your feelings of a rock around your neck. Looks to me they are very selfish and need us. But what about us? Are they there for us? I guess not, since they do whats best for them, not too much empathy.

I think you are not wrong at all and you shouldnt feel guilty. We are adults and should be responsible for our crisis and problems. I dont make people responsible, but I dont want burdens either. I can tell you that I feel very relieved lately.

[nanc]

Louise7777, it's the same here. The ST's are getting longer and longer. And at the same time it seems he couldn't care less to get out or to at least try to explain what happened. One time he told me that my messages from time to time pulled him back into reality. That's good. Right? Well, this is how it all turned out to be. And at the same time the explanations are getting less and less. Like he doesn't even care anymore. It almost seems like he is never getting out of the last ST. He will contact every now and then, but with so much hatred and so much accusations. If I respond he will not respond back. And the next message he send is all about things in the past. No reply to my message at all.

You are so right. He is doing what's best for him. That's okay. Of course, that is what you should do. But, what about my feelings? 

What did you do to feel so relieved? Did you ended the relationship? To be honest, I am almost at that point that I will never ever reply anymore when he will contact me after or during a ST.

Pay back time? Maybe, but if the other will not respond to you or show any respect for you and how you are feeling then I guess you have all the right to respond in the same manner. Right?

I feel disgusted about myself to think this way. Never thought that anyone was able to make me feel this way. And yet... it is so hard to say goodbye.

[Narellan]

Quote "Never thought that anyone was able to make me feel this way. And yet... it is so hard to say goodbye. "

It is the hardest thing you will ever do. It's not easy to say goodbye to someone you love. Fortunately for me, he said goodbye and very quickly moved on. So it's probably slifhtly easier for me to just not pick up when he calls or answer the door when he comes around. But it tests me every time. Today there was a half page article about my exBPD in the local paper complete with his photo. It stopped my heart when I saw it. So many months of NC and I still react like this.

[nanc]

I am so sorry you feel like this, Narellan... .big hugs...  

It's just so unfair that we have to go through all of this. Letting go of someone you love so much and knowing that they have a problem. On the other hand, they will move on so quickly you can't believe this is happening. It makes you wonder if they will ever love someone for real.

[Louise7777]

Nanc, it was a long-distance "relationship" (if there is such a thing). So its easier to set boundaries. I stopped phoning and recently stop answering his emails. I talk normally when he phones me, but he is well aware of how I feel. We talk a lot about friends and family, so I told him about boundaries and ultimately cutting people off. He knows that is regarding him too. But somehow, he seems happy with this "one-sided phonecall r/s".

I read somewhere that if you have to tell an adult about basic human interactions, theres something very wrong there. If you have to say "dont u see how disrespectful you are?" and the person still keeps on doing it, you are dealing with a selfish no-empathetic person.

I have been dealing my whole lige with uPDs (uBPD/ HPD/ NPD relatives) so at some point I just had enough and Im not there for them anymore. My feelings are never considered, so it wasnt that hard to cut contact, I didnt lose a thing, basically!

[nanc]

I recognize the "long-distance" relationship. At the moment our contact is more by email then anything else. It is always been this way and at first it was full of benefits. But after 4 years it seems like a good excuse to avoid conflict and therefore contact and therefore any progress. It is strange to see these changes. I do recognize the one-sided talks aswell. As if there is only one person involved. 

And yes, there is something wrong with BPD's. I am fully aware of that. They can't help it and I can't help it that I need something more every now and then.

I admire you for cutting contact like that. Some day... .;-)

I am sorry to hear that you had to deal with all this for so long. That must have been very hard.