what is the next step

[antjs]

so if you can identify childhood unresolved issue like emotional neglect. what are the next steps in healing ? how to overcome this issue and let that wound that the BPD experience opened to heal ?

[Blimblam]

Recognize what your ex provided for you that made you feel complete conjure up those emotions.  Then realized that you projected that onto her and it was a part of you she mirrored back because you did not internalize that from your family.  Make those idealized feelings she inspired in you present in your conscious awareness feeling them and recognize that it is you and internalize it while remaining extremely present In the moment with out dicasosiating and fantasizing.  Also conjure up the fear pain shame and guilt that you identified with when she projected that onto you and feel that simultaneously and internalize that all of those emotions are one in the same.

That is a rather crude explanation.  But to do that you have to create the space for it to happen you can't force it you have to be patient and surrender. 

[OutOfEgypt]

Next step?  Well, others may have different opinions, but I would say the next step is find a T to work through them with.  We want to be able to do it all ourselves -so self-sufficient, and that is partly why we become so stuck and resort to the same defense mechanisms.  I recommend finding a good T to work through those things and your feelings with, if you don't already have one.

[fromheeltoheal]

One man's opinion:

First, decide to truly believe that your borderline ex came into your life for a reason that serves you, there were lessons it was time to learn, so important that they needed to be delivered with the pain only someone with a personality disorder can provide, so those lessons would hit home.

Next, change your belief about being wounded or damaged to something empowering, like you had such a big heart and had not yet learned the skills to communicate what you needed, but you've still got that big heart and it's perfect, it just needs to be shared.  Or whatever works for you.

And then, realize that the best way to be loved is to love, and instead of considering yourself in need of healing first, go out into the world and love people the way you want to be loved, while protecting yourself from people who can't love you back in the ways you need of course, we're a lot better at that now.  That is by far the best form of healing, a coming home to who we really are really, a coming in from the cold.

Take care of you!

[Ihope2]

Get some "Inner Child" healing literature to work through slowly, anything from Charles L. Whitfield is excellent.

Don't rush through it impatiently.  Work through it mindfully and take your time. Healing work takes time. Skimming over things defeats the whole purpose of it and just leaves you feeling even more anxious and confused.


Maybe join a Codependency Group ("CODA" and work through the 12 steps programme with them?

This experience with a partner with BPD has laid you bare.  I agree totally with Fromheeltoheal:  this experience has pulled you down, down down and brought you to your knees, so that you can learn from it and build yourself up again.  From False Self to Authentic Self.

[OutOfEgypt]

The main reason I suggest finding a T over books is that... .well, let's put it this way.  Look at all the damage having an unhealthy attachment has caused -the gaslighting, the lying, the manipulation, the confusion, the invalidation of everything you are.  The only way to really begin healing that is to find a healthy attachment with someone who you can work your emotions out with -someone who offers you compassion over invalidation, constantly over the pull-push behavior of the BPD, trust and love over the madness and up-and-down drama of someone who lives for fleeting feelings of intensity.  You can't get that from information.  The experience of a healthy relationship is, in itself, good for our soul.

This isn't to say that books are meaningless.  They get some information that helps give some insight, but especially when what we are talking about is something unconscious to us... .in my experience, after reading countless books and articles, I learned a lot but it still didn't really change me.

[fromheeltoheal]

The experience of a healthy relationship is, in itself, good for our soul.

Yes, and a therapist hopefully has training and skills to help through the tough stretches.  And also realize that a therapist is someone who's being paid to care, and the relationship is not an equal one; it's just as important if not more important to develop healthy relationships with peers out in the world.  There are nice people everywhere, and we've got our experiences with borderlines as education to weed out the folks who can't give us what we need, but who we are is who we are in relationship with others, no man is an island and we're social animals.

[Ihope2]

Yes, I agree completely OutofEgypt!

I have just spent the past 6 months seeing a therapist once a week, and it helped me find a lot of direction.

Now my medical insurance has been depleted for the year, and I am resorting to the "self help" approach!

But nothing matches a face to face discussion with a trained professional who is well-versed in "inner child" issues and recovery work.

[OutOfEgypt]

And also realize that a therapist is someone who's being paid to care, and the relationship is not an equal one;

Funny, I brought that up to my T a few times.  What he said, at least in our case, is true -I was using that as excuse to not let him close.  Some actually do care.  I'm almost finished with therapy, and we've already talked about jamming together (he plays musical instruments, too)

[Reforming]

Hi all,

Interesting and worthwhile thread with some good advice.

I think becoming more self aware and understanding your own issues is a huge step forward. Education / reading can really help this.  

But even experienced therapists see their own therapists because they recognise that self analysis can only bring you so far.

I think most of us need to work with a good T with the right skills as well. To varying degrees we lived in denial or slipped into malignant fantasy before and during these relationships. If we hadn't we would have recognised the red flags and moved on

Discarding negative behaviour is really hard, especially when most of our unconscious programming we either learnt from our parents or developed as coping mechanisms in early childhood.  

It's so easy to get stuck and not even see the road block in front of us. And when we're under stress or pressure or unhappy we can easily default back to our unhealthy behaviour.

I'd say grab every tool you can and give yourself the best chance of being the best you can

Reforming

[Aussie JJ]

Its a good question. 

My FOO issues are related to my mother being very dominant and my father very passive.  I still see it now.  I have very weak personal boundarys from this dynamic where I accept females being dominant in some decisions in my life, particulary intimately.  My mother still tells me that I am CRAZY for caring about my exBPDgf.  My attitude, do I want to hate her, is that healthy ?  My mum thinks it is ... .

I try and express my feelings to my mum or dad about this issue and when my dad is around my mum he shuts me down.  He has to comply with her views or get in ___.  I know it causes him a huge amount of stress. 

My mum straight out asks me what is wrong with me.  Tells me I have to do some work on myself to find out why I got into and then stayed in the relationship for so long.  I made the mistake of telling her how I had analyzed my FOO and found out that I had this pattern that stretched back to childhood interactions with her and my dad.  She blew up at me claiming I was projecting onto her !

Truth is my mum is so close to being BPD where her acting out is very very subtle.  When angry the inner narc. comes out, not full blown but when angry she does have some narc.  I spent about 3 weeks tracking her behaviour and also looking at past patterns.  She has settled down a lot from 15-20 years ago but it is still so evident when you put it all together.  She was the first person to pick up on BPD with my exBPDgf.  She saw a lot of herself on some level and also wasn't able to mirror anything back.  Her abuse was emotional.  I remember so much of it and the verbal rages about nothing in particular just absolutely going crazy at me.  Am I convinced that she is BPD, im 50/50 with my mum.  I am learning more and more and being observant of everything that occurs to ensure I understand this more. 

I have developed a coping mechanism of compliance.  I do as I'm told until I'm backed into a corner and I shutdown when I can no longer meet unreasonable demands.  At this point I lash out and then run for the hills. 

I had my mum hit me once when about 12 years old ?  I punched a hole in the wall and slept in the garage that night.  My dad beleived my mum that it was my fault and furthermore that she was scared of me. 

My mother when I was 12 years old, was scarred of me!  at this stage took me to see a psycologist and basically between her input and him I got told I had anger management issues.  Validated that it wasn't her fault and that I was the problem not hers.  From that she extrapolated that I was a psycopath or sociopath and when I disagree with her and it gets ramped up and intense my mum now tells me its my inner psycopath coming out.  Then tells me how unhealthy it is.  How I have to change as it is manipulative and she wont accept it.  Projection. ... .

What am I doing.  I find it a lot easier to accept that my mum might have BPD than my exBPDgf.  Now I KNOW that the ex has BPD and I am sure of it beyond a doubt.  8 out of 9 criteria.  Its not about a label but behaviours as I see it. 

How do I deal with these issues.  I am not sure.  I am still trying to learn as much as I can by looking at when I felt this feeling before.  What does this remind me of.  I feel their is a lot more to sift through amongst this information.  I know I will gain more and more control over my reactions to exBPDgf's behaviours and little jabs by doing this work.  When I think of how horrible I was in XYZ situation I try to feel that feeling and see where it has occurred before. 

How do I heal these 'wounds', what is the next step?

I dont know.  I am going to keep exploring my faults and trying to understand my part in this dynamic.  Change my approach.  When my dad is near my mum not talk about personal stuff.  When my mum is having black and white thinking, divert topic.  Neither of them see this at the moment but I have triangulated my parents a bit and I'm trying to get 1 on 1 time with them as well as all together time. 

Next step?  I cant be angry at my mum (probable not 100% BPD) nor my exBPDgf.  I think of the times my mum backed into a corner yelling at me.  I think this made it acceptable for the BPDgf to do this.  I accepted it, I complied.  My exBPDgf, I don't know all her pain however I know the projected pain and it is staggering.  I cant cope with that and those are only some issues she projected onto me.  All of us are hurting from the emotional abuse that we have endured.  Imagine growing up with that as the normal.  That is the role model your given by your parents etc. 

I think that and I can forgive her instantly.  I think of that and it causes me even more sadness.  So yea, I'm learning about myself a lot here.  It is painful,  enlightening and slow. 

Where to next... .

I keep learning, one step at a time, see where the knowledge takes me and explore the associated feelings.  Doing this raises more questions every time and demands more work!

[OutOfEgypt]

Aussie JJ,

In other words, you learned to "comply" as a defense mechanism to avoid the deep feelings of anger and pain toward your mother (that were probably both guilt and fear-laden).  It seemed better than "losing" her.  Sounds familiar?  So, you learned to always suppress anger, thinking anger is always bad and always meant loss of attachment, not realizing that in healthy relationships core-level anger is a way to wake up your individual self and maintain clear autonomy and interdependence.  Core-level anger is good, and doesn't mean you will a) act out on it, or b) lose the person you care about, if they are healthy.  Healthy relationships will foster and encourage your individuality and anger toward things that are unjust and wrong.  But these ones don't.  Better silence your voice, or else, right?

I'm not a psychologist, but I know this is what my T would say because I've worked through things like this for about four years with him.

[Aussie JJ]

Egypt yes, 

The scary thing is the anger only comes out when I am forced to comply with something I don't like or disagree with.  Other times I supress it and comply and give up a little bit of myself each and every time allowing myself to be degraded.    When I don't want to give up any part of me as it is an important issue I was never given a way to talk through it.  I was always backed into a corner by mother then BPFex... .

It's like they have a pattern of forcing that abandonment. 

I have a pattern of allowing people to bust my boundarys.   

[Aussie JJ]

Hmmm Egypt,

Further to that, I will disregard my feelings and shutdown to comply but now thinking about it the only rime I really get angry is when I am forced to agree with a lie.  Going to have to think about this a bit more but im sort of seeing when it is something I don't agree with I will comply and be unhappy but deal with it, why to avoid conflict.  When it is something I think is a lie I wont agree to it and when escalates by the other party I eventually agree but I am angry as I know its a lie. 

When getting backed into a corner by mother/exBPDgf it was always around an issue that was a lie.  When this occurred I wouldn't shutdown as quickly but as soon as the anger brewed up I would comply.  Often afraid of more escalation from the person doing the pushing.  It was 'safer' and more comfortable to comply than to escalate the argument and stand up for myself. 

ExBPDgf pushed these buttons learnt this pattern and I was agreeing with everything no matter how untrue.  Hence everything that made me who I am was ripped apart. 

I am going to have to process this a bit deeper.  Don't know where its leading me however it's definitely a pattern that I have. 

Trying to change it now, with mum in particular I find I get angry a lot quicker as I'm not complying and I'm pre empting the escalation.  I am aware of this and trying to step back now is hard.