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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Would my ex calling me really be an accident?  (Read 2123 times)
Eric1
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« on: July 16, 2014, 01:56:32 PM »

Would my ex calling me really be an accident?
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2014, 03:21:09 PM »

Would my ex calling me really be an accident?

This is for you to decide.  

That said, work through the process before calling.   Meaning, don't do it without reflecting (and giving yourself some time to weigh the answers).

Questions to ask yourself:

1.  How do I feel if:  (a) I get silence? (b) I get anger? (c) I find out about a replacement? (d) I get shamed and blamed? or (e) I get recycled?

2. What does contact give me?  Am I looking for (a) affirmation, (b) answers, (c) a different outcome... .?

3. What am I feeling?  Is it (a) anger, (b) shame, (c) fear, (d) abandoned... .etc.?

You mentioned once, poignantly, that you did not want to be erased.  None of us want to be erased.  And, in fact, you are not erased.  

You are here, working hard, for yourself.   You are re-framing your perspective.   And we are in this together.
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Eric1
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« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2014, 03:55:02 PM »

I called her back a couple of days after missing the call.

She said she was supposed to call her friend but accidentally called me. Thing is, when I called her, I was no longer blocked.

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Ventus2ct
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« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2014, 04:02:49 PM »

I called her back a couple of days after missing the call.

She said she was supposed to call her friend but accidentally called me. Thing is, when I called her, I was no longer blocked.

It beggars belief, do you really believe that? I bet her answer would have been different if you'd called back within the hour, just shows how fickle these people are.

Sorry, I maybe a bit blunt today, just feeling that way, I guess a little anger from my side regarding these people.
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2014, 04:07:59 PM »

Letting Go's advice is perfect. But, since you've already called, let me ask you this: what difference does it make.  If everyone here says "no, it wasn't an accident," how will that make you feel? If that's what you want to hear, why exactly do you want to hear it?
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2014, 04:49:53 PM »

Her accidental call was on purpose!
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
Tausk
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« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2014, 06:11:37 PM »

Let's say it was an accident like she said.  :)oes that mean it was really an accident? or a subconscious slip on her part.  And does that mean she's on the outs with her new focus of attachment?  :)oes that mean she subconsciously wants to reconnect.  Or maybe it was just an honest slip on her part.  But now that you talked, does that mean she's painted you good again and wants to be with you.  Or maybe you are painted even blacker.  :)oes it mean that she'll try and recycle you.  Or maybe now that you've called her, she'll be triggered and paint you evil, and start a whole new smear campaign on you?  Maybe she'll call the cops and file an RO because you are harassing her.   Or maybe any of the above is true depending on if it is raining that day or if the Cubs win that day.

Not let's say it wasn't an accident?... .

Do you want to reattach or leave?  And if the answer is leave, the than the answer to your question is that it is irrelevant, because the Disorder will turn any action into whatever the Disorder wants at any particular moment.  It's a Disorder.  

And now that you've called her back, I bet that the obsessiveness is worse.  The desire to call her back is worse. The desire to have her call you is worse. The desire for some sort of connect or validation that it was real is worse.   It's like an itch that can't be scratched.  And unmindful contact makes it worse.   So maybe it's time to block her number.  

Even trying to interpret actions of the Disorder if not done with mindful detachment, is an exercise in participating in the Disorder.  

And the Disorder always wins.  The only way not lose is to leave a victim and not look back.  
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Overbeck
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« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2014, 06:38:30 PM »

When my ex would "accidently" send me a blank text... .

(I was cleaning out my phone!)

... .I knew she was defending her actions.

Borderlines only care about survival. They lie about the how and why they got in touch with you to protect themselves. It is NEVER accident.
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Eric1
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« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2014, 04:37:05 AM »

The desire to hear from her again is there. But, I've reached a stage where I won't contact her. It wouldn't change anything & it does prevent me from moving on. I still think about her all the time, which is natural.

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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #9 on: July 17, 2014, 09:28:24 AM »

Probably not.  I've had many "accidental" things happen like that (although I cant have NC because we have kids together).  However, she has "accidentally" copied me on a response to one of her lovers, with the entire message thread available for me to read (talking about me... .that was lovely).  HOW do you "accidentally" do that?  You have to actually move the cursor up to the Cc: box and type in my email address before hitting send.  hahahha.  laughable.
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Overbeck
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« Reply #10 on: July 17, 2014, 09:43:09 AM »

The desire to hear from her again is there. But, I've reached a stage where I won't contact her. It wouldn't change anything & it does prevent me from moving on. I still think about her all the time, which is natural.

I am with you on this. In my case, contacting her would be self-mutilation and emasculation.

She will find a way, when she is drunk and new guy is off doing something with people in his own intellectual sphere (which she is not), to "accidentally" text me.

I am certain her effort will be met with my silent indifference.

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Eric1
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« Reply #11 on: July 17, 2014, 01:23:12 PM »

Speaking to her only delays me. But it's a catch 22 because I want to talk to her.

It's her brothers birthday tomorrow & me, him & a load of our mates are going out for the day drinking etc. I don't know if she's going to be there. Part of me wants her to be so i can see her, then the other half hopes she doesn't.
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Eric1
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« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2014, 01:02:43 PM »

Just an update - she wasn't out for her brothers birthday drinks, which benefited me, but part of me would have liked to have seen her.  I assume she didn't attend because I was there. She hasn't tried reaching out again.

I keep fluctuating between wanting her back, missing her & then hating her for the way she has treated me. Pride, dignity & knowing I deserve better are the only things that are stoping me from contacting her.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2014, 01:44:11 PM »

Why do you want to contact her?  Just curious
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Eric1
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« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2014, 02:29:55 PM »

Because I enjoy chatting to her. We have a laugh when she's not being a complete b*itch. And, I miss her.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2014, 04:24:51 PM »

I can identify with that.  In some ways, it feels like my ex and I are "old friends."  I know she wants to see it that way.  I just can't.  There's a part of me that sees her like that, but there's a part of me that knows I have to keep the walls high and thick.

Of course you miss her.  I've described it before as seeing the woman you love be kidnapped by a gang of masked men and thrown into a big black van.  But as you see the door to the van sliding closed as the van speeds off, you notice that she is smiling and starts kissing one of the masked men.  

For me the "missing" was in knowing that I'll never have her, and it is saddest because she is complicit in why.  Lots of conflictual emotions there!  My T would describe this as being "syntonic" with her defenses.  Although they can be so miserable, they pretty much are in agreement with being themselves.  At least, that is how my ex is.  She would sometimes admit something was wrong with her, but similar to how an alcoholic not in serious treatment knows they have a problem... .as they pull out a bottle of whiskey five minutes later.
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2014, 06:43:24 PM »

Of course you miss her.  I've described it before as seeing the woman you love be kidnapped by a gang of masked men and thrown into a big black van.  But as you see the door to the van sliding closed as the van speeds off, you notice that she is smiling and starts kissing one of the masked men.  

And if you look closer you notice that she is the one closing the door. Look even closer and you will see that she is also the one driving the van, may seem impossible but it's true. NOTHING is impossible in the world of BPD!

MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
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