DBT making a person MORE unhappy?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife is telling me that life is miserable.  She hates working then coming home only to spend an hour with me before going to be then doing it all over again.  She says that while DBT is making be nicer to me, it is changing her to something she is not and she does not like it.

I do not want her being something she is not.  She hates her life.  I do not want that.  I do not what to do.

I told her if she feels she would be happier on her own I understand and would help her.  I told her that i do not want her to be something she does want to be but before she was hurtful and abusive to me and I cannot handle that. 

She will not choose anything though...

[hurthusband]

My wife is telling me that life is miserable.  She hates working then coming home only to spend an hour with me before going to be then doing it all over again.  She says that while DBT is making be nicer to me, it is changing her to something she is not and she does not like it.

I do not want her being something she is not.  She hates her life.  I do not want that.  I do not what to do.

I told her if she feels she would be happier on her own I understand and would help her.  I told her that i do not want her to be something she does want to be but before she was hurtful and abusive to me and I cannot handle that. 

She will not choose anything though...

[maxsterling]

My BPD fiance told me that going to therapy could make her more irritable in the short term.  I can see how.  DBT is going to force someone to look at their own behaviors.  The coping mechanism of "blame others" that they have relied on their whole lives is no longer valid.  While I didn't know her then, I suspect my fiance was much happier, energetic, and more optimistic when she was a drug abuser and before coming clean and going through DBT.  Sure, life was hell for her, and I am sure she was much more abusive towards others back then, but the way she talks about those years sometimes it sounds like she was more active and hopeful.

Put yourself in her shoes - she's being told the way she naturally views the universe and her life is unhealthy.  Change is difficult.  Just think of us on our end, and how much difficulty and exhausting we feel trying to validate and use the tools all the time.  It will take time for mindfulness to be her new way of life.

[hurthusband]

My BPD fiance told me that going to therapy could make her more irritable in the short term.  I can see how.  DBT is going to force someone to look at their own behaviors.  The coping mechanism of "blame others" that they have relied on their whole lives is no longer valid.  While I didn't know her then, I suspect my fiance was much happier, energetic, and more optimistic when she was a drug abuser and before coming clean and going through DBT.  Sure, life was hell for her, and I am sure she was much more abusive towards others back then, but the way she talks about those years sometimes it sounds like she was more active and hopeful.

Put yourself in her shoes - she's being told the way she naturally views the universe and her life is unhealthy.  Change is difficult.  Just think of us on our end, and how much difficulty and exhausting we feel trying to validate and use the tools all the time.  It will take time for mindfulness to be her new way of life.

The hard part is she says she does not want to change who she is and that its helpful to me but not to her.  I do not say it but am like "so you do not mind being abusive to me?".  I try and validate, but then she goes into how she hates it, she hates her life with me, and nothing is going to ever be good with us.  Now she saying she is just going to need to move on.  I am shocked cause we got along quite well past few days which has not happened in over a year for more than maybe 1 day.

Now suddenly this morning.  She wants a divorce

[maxsterling]

I say "Wow!" but at the same time, I have been where you are.  Recently, in fact 

She recently told me the past year was the worst of her life and didn't see where we were going.  Really?  The worst?  And this was after I thought things had been going better.  She's free to choose  her own path, just as she was free to choose to live with me. 

But the reality of therapy is, if it is working it will change the roles and dynamics of your relationship.  Whether your relationship survives or not may not be up to you.  I remember hearing a man tell me his marriage survived 15 years of his drug addictions, but after he sobered up his marriage fell apart.  It fell apart because he and his wife had well established roles, with him being an addict and her focusing on his addiction.  Once the addiction was gone, it was like they had no reason to interact. 

Through the process of therapy, your wife may learn she is with you for the wrong reasons.  She may feel ashamed of the way she treated you and would rather a fresh start.  In many ways I can see that happening in my relationship.  That when she truly gets into a healing mode, she will discover she is unhappy and her love for me is based on need.  I've often thought that a true sign she is doing better would be if she suddenly said to me, "I love you, but I'm not happy here.  I need to choose my own path, and it feels like we want different things."

I know it's tough, but try to focus on you and what you want, and remember that if she doesn't want to change, or decides a different path, it certainly hurts, but that is beyond your control.

[hurthusband]

If she decides she does not want to be with me, I am willing to accept that and be fine with that.  I just do not like the upsetting wishy washy blame, and torment of this.  I also do think that therapy isnt changing who you are, but how you deal with things in a more proper format.  Yea I can see the appeal of being selfish, but how can you think its okay to be crappy to people... Her right but i dont like how she insinuates its okay and i should be fine with it or i am being unreasonable

[maxsterling]

I hear ya loud and clear on this one!  I've been in the same exact place.  If she feels I am not the one for her, fine.  But she can decide that on her own and tell me that respectfully.  Instead I've gotten the blame, accusations, how I am failing her, how I can't do this or that right, etc.  And it comes across as manipulation.  Why does she have to tell me the past year was the most miserable of her life?  If she truly hates it here, she can leave.  What's the point in telling me she hates it here?

I know how much it stinks. It's one thing for your wife to be questioning your marriage in her own brain, but exponentially hurtful to hear her blame it on you, especially when in your own mind you have suffered years of abuse yet stood by her.

It's baffling.  My fiancé will flat out admit that she is a difficult person to be with, yet within a few breaths tell me of all the things I do wrong.  She was on my case for months about marriage.  And after I proposed?  She worried about me leaving her after we were married.  She talked about how I am going to need to learn how to be "present" for her and not walk away when she is screaming and yelling.  And she told me that she is going to scream and yell sometimes, and that is just who she is. 

You would think that at 38.5 years old, she would have learned the repercussions of treating people badly.  People bail on you.  People retaliate.  You lose jobs and friends.  And she seems to know, but often it seems her mindset is trying to find people to put up with her, and damn those who can't, rather than to try and correct her hurtful behavior so that she can have more success in life.

I think that is what your wife is facing now.  She'd rather just find people to put up with her than to change and make people want to be with her.

[hurthusband]

I hear ya loud and clear on this one!  I've been in the same exact place.  If she feels I am not the one for her, fine.  But she can decide that on her own and tell me that respectfully.  Instead I've gotten the blame, accusations, how I am failing her, how I can't do this or that right, etc.  And it comes across as manipulation.  Why does she have to tell me the past year was the most miserable of her life?  If she truly hates it here, she can leave.  What's the point in telling me she hates it here?

I know how much it stinks. It's one thing for your wife to be questioning your marriage in her own brain, but exponentially hurtful to hear her blame it on you, especially when in your own mind you have suffered years of abuse yet stood by her.

It's baffling.  My fiancé will flat out admit that she is a difficult person to be with, yet within a few breaths tell me of all the things I do wrong.  She was on my case for months about marriage.  And after I proposed?  She worried about me leaving her after we were married.  She talked about how I am going to need to learn how to be "present" for her and not walk away when she is screaming and yelling.  And she told me that she is going to scream and yell sometimes, and that is just who she is. 

You would think that at 38.5 years old, she would have learned the repercussions of treating people badly.  People bail on you.  People retaliate.  You lose jobs and friends.  And she seems to know, but often it seems her mindset is trying to find people to put up with her, and damn those who can't, rather than to try and correct her hurtful behavior so that she can have more success in life.

I think that is what your wife is facing now.  She'd rather just find people to put up with her than to change and make people want to be with her.

I do not know if its just that.  She is immensely unhappy with her life.  She is cleaning houses after just finishing college.  She hates it. she has a DWI trial coming up, her mother has terminal cancer, her family are mean people.  She has put us in debt... she feels trapped and with nothing...   alot her fault, but still.

[maxsterling]

Yep, same thing here.  She can't find anything good with her life.  She has a master's degree, but could not hold down a job.  Wouldn't take a lower paying and lower stress job because it makes her feel worthless.  In over her head with debt, no close family, few close friends, her whole life sucks.   And to her it's not her fault.  She doesn't seem to fully get that changed attitudes on her part can help her deal with all those issues.  She still takes on an "I'm miserable because of xyz" attitude and wants other people to fix it for her.  It's a negative reinforcement cycle, and I don't even know if she understands what "happy" is or feels like. 

When I said "wanting someone to put up with her" - that's my fiancé.  She has a "defeated" attitude most of the time.  Like her life is half over with nothing to show.  She thinks she will always be depressed and miserable so what's the point in trying to change?  Easier to just find a place where she can fit in and people understand her.  I'm wondering if your wife is going through the same thing with the DBT.  It is opening her eyes up for the first time what "happiness" means, and she's realizing she doesn't know her own identity or what makes her happy.  She sees how far away she is from being happy and feels getting to that point is impossible.  So, she would rather be herself and be mean to everyone else, because she's more comfortable with that personality than the one she feels she can never become.

[waverider]

Treatment for this Disorder involves stripping away unhealthy coping mechanism and facing their devils, this is not a nice feeling and will leave them vulnerable. It is necessary though before new healthier methods can be introduced.

My partner has not started BPD specific treatment yet but it is in the larger plan in place. At this stage she has gone through acceptance of the disorder and a slow stripping back of at least the outward acting coping mechanisms. I guess you could say she is in the "bad place" but she knows she needs to learn new methods, going back, or cutting and running is simply not an options her eyes.

Sometimes I think more work needs to be done before someone is ready to deal with BPD therapy. Certainly more work is often needed by their partners who need to have a working understanding of the side effects involved.

[hurthusband]

She is wanting to stop therapy and really wants away from me.  Do i stick it out or do i walk away?

Honestly, every option seems like a doomsday option...

I should have walked away years ago.  I would be healthier today, wealthier today, and maybe she would be the same.  Now everything is so far gone and in such a hole.

At same time, if i was back then and had choice, I do not know that I would.