One of Those Days

[learnandgrow]

I've been no contact for almost a month now, but a mutual friend posted a picture where I could see my ex with the new guy. Apparently, they are dating now (I guess the sleeping with him while keeping me on a string didn't count.) Anyway, I'm having a rough day as a result. I don't want her, but seeing that made me realize how angry I am about the entire situation.

I hate the fact she's "dating" someone else already. I hate the fact she traded down. I hate the fact this guy thinks he's a hot shot picking up my seconds, after he hasn't been with a girl in over two years. Just the way I was treated at the end during all of this boils my blood... .when I wanted to be so close to her and she denied it and was apparently getting it from someone else.

Will he get what I got? Will she eventually put a stranglehold on sex? Will she tell him, like she told me, she doesn't see the purpose in it? Will she start going behind his back and doing the same things she did to me? I shouldn't be thinking about it, but it's not right all of that would happen to me and now they are seemingly so happy.

[Frankcostello]

Learnangrow I went through something very similar to your situation. While my exBPDgf was shacking up with another guy she was denying it until I saw her with him.  It was hard at first to see that I had been lied to repeatedly.  However, I'm glad I saw her with the other guy because it helped me begin the healing process from that point forward.  I'm glad I caught her in her lies because it helped me see who she really was and what kind of person she is behind her persona.  You will get through this, you may get angry and sad at the same time but it's part of the healing process.  Start your healing process now, if she's with another guy this soon after being with you and denying it to you, then you have seen her true colors.  It doesn't matter now whether the new guy sees what she's doing, for you it's time to start your healing process and sooner or later you'll be glad you bit the bullet by not being with her.  You don't want someone in your life who is going to manipulate and lie to you repeatedly.  You want someone who will respect you and honor your relationship.  She didn't do it for you. Time to start your healing process now.

[BacknthSaddle]

I've been no contact for almost a month now, but a mutual friend posted a picture where I could see my ex with the new guy. Apparently, they are dating now (I guess the sleeping with him while keeping me on a string didn't count.) Anyway, I'm having a rough day as a result. I don't want her, but seeing that made me realize how angry I am about the entire situation.

I hate the fact she's "dating" someone else already. I hate the fact she traded down. I hate the fact this guy thinks he's a hot shot picking up my seconds, after he hasn't been with a girl in over two years. Just the way I was treated at the end during all of this boils my blood... .when I wanted to be so close to her and she denied it and was apparently getting it from someone else.

Will he get what I got? Will she eventually put a stranglehold on sex? Will she tell him, like she told me, she doesn't see the purpose in it? Will she start going behind his back and doing the same things she did to me? I shouldn't be thinking about it, but it's not right all of that would happen to me and now they are seemingly so happy.

Learnandgrow, I know the feeling.  Seeing a picture of my ex with a new guy was very triggering for me as well recently.  It didn't matter to me that he doesn't bring to the table what I bring, or for that matter that I wouldn't want my ex back anyway.  Just the sight stirred up all sorts of unconscious, automatic feelings that were very difficult to gain control over. 

I think you know the answers to all of those questions.  I think you also know that "seemingly" is the operative word in that last paragraph.  Remember that BPD manifests itself as a pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships; no one with BPD has just one relationship go awry.  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  I think that when we wonder if our exes will be happier with the new person than with us, it says more about us than them.  If they have shown over and over that they will sabotage relationships, will sabotage their own happiness, why would this be any different.  I think at least in my case, the root fear is that I am not good enough in some way, that I'm inadequate.  I've been trying to focus on the underpinnings of this feeling, and on eradicating the feeling.  Eventually, I will realize that what she does is predictable and, frankly, inconsequential. 

[Caredverymuch]

I've been no contact for almost a month now, but a mutual friend posted a picture where I could see my ex with the new guy. Apparently, they are dating now (I guess the sleeping with him while keeping me on a string didn't count.) Anyway, I'm having a rough day as a result. I don't want her, but seeing that made me realize how angry I am about the entire situation.

I hate the fact she's "dating" someone else already. I hate the fact she traded down. I hate the fact this guy thinks he's a hot shot picking up my seconds, after he hasn't been with a girl in over two years. Just the way I was treated at the end during all of this boils my blood... .when I wanted to be so close to her and she denied it and was apparently getting it from someone else.

Will he get what I got? Will she eventually put a stranglehold on sex? Will she tell him, like she told me, she doesn't see the purpose in it? Will she start going behind his back and doing the same things she did to me? I shouldn't be thinking about it, but it's not right all of that would happen to me and now they are seemingly so happy.

Learnandgrow, I know the feeling.  Seeing a picture of my ex with a new guy was very triggering for me as well recently.  It didn't matter to me that he doesn't bring to the table what I bring, or for that matter that I wouldn't want my ex back anyway.  Just the sight stirred up all sorts of unconscious, automatic feelings that were very difficult to gain control over. 

I think you know the answers to all of those questions.  I think you also know that "seemingly" is the operative word in that last paragraph.  Remember that BPD manifests itself as a pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships; no one with BPD has just one relationship go awry.  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  I think that when we wonder if our exes will be happier with the new person than with us, it says more about us than them.  If they have shown over and over that they will sabotage relationships, will sabotage their own happiness, why would this be any different.  I think at least in my case, the root fear is that I am not good enough in some way, that I'm inadequate.  I've been trying to focus on the underpinnings of this feeling, and on eradicating the feeling.  Eventually, I will realize that what she does is predictable and, frankly, inconsequential. 

Learnandgrow and Backinthesaddle, good topic because this is indeed something we all eventually have to come to terms with.  I tell myself this when my mind goes there. If this d/o could be "cured" or just go away by the osmosis from the good of another persons presence, it would have gone away when we were with them.  You know you just are perplexed with the questions when you are dropped, abandoned, and replaced. And you have done nothing but love.

No closure. No mature long talk to say why they would like the r/s that they worked double time all the time to establish... .to end. No apology for the hurt. No thank you for the love and caring. No let me be sure you are okay since you were always there when I was not okay.

If our love didn't make a difference, no love will.  I feel empathy for the replacements and I feel confident that this repeats with each one. The best prediction for the future is the past. When I learned of the attempts my expBPD was making to secure new supply shortly after he abandoned me, it sounded pathetic. Just tapping into anyone it seemed.

[learnandgrow]

Thanks. My thing is I don't feel any empathy for the replacement. He was sitting there waiting in line, basically begging her to jump while I was with her. I know the likelihood is he'll get burned too, but today I'm really hoping he gets it at least as badly as I did in time.