Father drama

[growing]

Hi,

This is my first time posting in this section.  I have an 85 year old father who's behavior matches BPD characteristics.  I suffered as a child and young adult from emotional abuse.  After college I figured out his BS had a name, BPD.  I have learned to limit my relationship with him and have tried to put the past behind. However, he can still get to me!  I have often dreamed of telling him he is mentally ill and he needs help.  He has never been close to knowing anything is wrong with him.  I have often felt sad and even guilty that he is such a pathetic, empty, fearful human being. 

I posted in the new member section last week about my parents. Nasty divorce when I was 13, then 15 years later back together! They are miserable together now. My mother has been controlled and manipulated by him forever.  The thing that gets me, is that he is now telling me and everyone else that he thinks my mother has early stage Alzheimer's and is mentally ill!  My mom is only 63 and the only thing close to normal in my family!

He now plays the "I'm dying and old" card to get what he wants from people.  I can go quite awhile without getting sucked into his drama, but eventually he gets me and I have to start all over. 

This site seems to be about finding tools to have relationships with these people.  I'm interested to find out because so far my only defense has been boundaries and getting as far away from him as possible.

This post is a bit all over the place but there is just so much to say.

Thanks for listening.

[Kwamina]

Hi growing

Having a parent with BPD is very hard for a child, I'm sorry you had to grow up like that and are still struggling with these things now that you're an adult. Like your username suggests, even as adults we aren't done growing and this site can help you in your continued growth process. One of the aims of this site is indeed to learn about tools that might help you have better relationships with the people with BPD in your life. However I would say that the primary aim of this site is to help YOU, and help you deal with the BPD drama by focusing on taking good care of yourself and hopefully heal some of the past hurt that has been done. The unfortunate reality is that it sometimes isn't possible to have better relationships with our BPD parent, but what we can do is work on ourselves so our parents don't affect us that much and try to break the hold our BPD parent has over us. Boundaries are a very important tool and to protect yourself it sometimes is best to get as far away as possible from them. That separation doesn't have to last forever but you can use it to work on yourself so you can get stronger emotionally and mentally. That way you will be better prepared for future interactions with your father so you'll hopefully cope better and be less affected by him then. I suggest you take a look at the survivor's guide to the right of this message board. This guide can be really helpful for adults who have suffered abuse in their childhood. You are guided through stages of remembering what happened to you and how it affected you through to stages of mourning your losses that will hopefully lead you to a place of acceptance and healing.

[happyfingers]

... .he is now telling me and everyone else that he thinks my mother has early stage Alzheimer's and is mentally ill!

Oh my gosh... .My mother tells everyone that will listen that I'm bipolar and all our problems stem from my severe mental illness.  Uh, no.  My actual mental illness issues all come from the fact that my mother emotionally abused me.  She likes her story much better and tells it to anyone who will listen.

He now plays the "I'm dying and old" card to get what he wants from people.

Holy cow.  Your father and my mother must be working from the same playbook.  She's been working the "help me I'm old" angle now for about ten years.  I'm supposed to feel extra guilty that my poor old mother is so vulnerable and I'm not there to help her. Ughhhh!

[growing]

Yes! It is truly exhausting being around people like this.  My dad has faked all kinds of things to get to the doctor or hospital.  Every Christmas is his last Christmas, etc.  Then when one child is fighting with him, he threatens to take them out of his will.  He talks about the bad child behind her back, buddies up with the other kids. Only to switch it up when another one eventually pisses him off.

I appreciate the post about getting strong emotionally.  In my personal life, I know what I need to do to stay out of depression etc.  I have created my own family and have a loving partner, thank God.  However, my father can still break me down.  Its usually after a weekend visit or something but I completely loose it.  It's so frustrating when I have done so much personal work to be healthy and happy in my own life. 

I have put the past behind me, but I do feel that I may have some habits that are not helpful to me anymore.  For example, I'm highly organized, constantly working on my surrounding to avoid any chaos.  I'm not comfortable with chaos or imperfection.  This has its benefits but it also keeps me from living in the present and enjoying and ordinary day.  Someone I've been talking too suggested it may be a way of ignoring something very painful? 

That FOG thing is crazy true! I couldn't believe it when I read it.  Worried I'm going to somehow feel guilty when my father dies because that is just what he does.  Need to prep myself for that.  I hate when I begin to think I've made my father feel bad and its my fault.  He has no clue he is ill and I feel so sad that he has no idea and just thinks no one likes him

[Kwamina]

Hi again growing  Hi!*

I appreciate the post about getting strong emotionally.  In my personal life, I know what I need to do to stay out of depression etc.  I have created my own family and have a loving partner, thank God.  However, my father can still break me down.  Its usually after a weekend visit or something but I completely loose it.  It's so frustrating when I have done so much personal work to be healthy and happy in my own life. 

I understand your frustration. Being around a BPD parent is never easy, even if you've done a lot of work the reality remains that parents with BPD are often very unpleasant to be around. Even when they behave relatively well, you're often still always on guard for what might happen and that can be exhausting too. Also the constant reminder of all the bad things that have happened before can take a lot out of you. It isn't pleasant feeling this way but (unfortunately) this also is something us children of BPD parents have gotta accept. There will still be bad days and moments but we can also prepare for that so we can be (more) ready to lift ourselves up out of those bad emotional places.

I have put the past behind me, but I do feel that I may have some habits that are not helpful to me anymore.  For example, I'm highly organized, constantly working on my surrounding to avoid any chaos.  I'm not comfortable with chaos or imperfection.  This has its benefits but it also keeps me from living in the present and enjoying and ordinary day.  Someone I've been talking too suggested it may be a way of ignoring something very painful? 

That someone might be right  We couldn't control all the hurtful things our BPD parents did to us growing which made us feel powerless. Even as adults we might still feel powerless because we can't change our past and are still confronted with a BPD parent who might seem totally unwilling or unable to change. Maybe your constant organizing and working on your surroundings is a way for you to feel in control and like you hold the power now. Do you feel like this makes any sense?

[growing]

Hi Kwamina

This does make sense!  I would really like to start enjoying life more and not be constantly doing.  Would love to know all the other behaviors I have adopted. I guess its just one thing at a time.  I'm committed to being a better person/parent though because I have 3 young boys and want to minimize anything left over from my father.  Thanks!

[happyfingers]

Then when one child is fighting with him, he threatens to take them out of his will.

I'm an only child, but "The Will" has always been one of my mother's favorite topics of conversation!  It amazes me how much our BPD parents seem to favor the same danged tactics!