Could I have BPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Is it possible that I have BPD?

I'm going through a horrible time healing from my ex who I recently found has BPD. She's my ex because she cheated on me

I'm learning all about BPD and everything and starting to think that maybe I have it?

I have loneliness and abandonment issues, I become attached quickly, I crave attention, intense anxiety and depression at times, misunderstood, neglected. I even feel different all of the time, like everything I just listed could change by tomorrow, and I could feel as a completely different person. I'll be happy and looking forward to the future, then hit with extreme depression and anxiety all over again.

Me and my ex we're a lot alike I hate to say.

I'm not too sure what I have or what to do.

I'm torn up over my ex, it's traumatic from what happened, cheating is the most horrible thing I can think of, yet if I was neglected, I might do the same thing, although I might not for the fear of loneliness is so strong.

What do you guys think?

[eagle755]

Is it possible that I have BPD?

I'm going through a horrible time healing from my ex who I recently found has BPD. She's my ex because she cheated on me

I'm learning all about BPD and everything and starting to think that maybe I have it?

I have loneliness and abandonment issues, I become attached quickly, I crave attention, intense anxiety and depression at times, misunderstood, neglected. I even feel different all of the time, like everything I just listed could change by tomorrow, and I could feel as a completely different person. I'll be happy and looking forward to the future, then hit with extreme depression and anxiety all over again.

Me and my ex we're a lot alike I hate to say.

I'm not too sure what I have or what to do.

I'm torn up over my ex, it's traumatic from what happened, cheating is the most horrible thing I can think of, yet if I was neglected, I might do the same thing, although I might not for the fear of loneliness is so strong.

What do you guys think?

[Karmachameleon]

I'm no expert, but from what I've learned on here most people will say that if you have the self-awareness and concern to ask the question then it's not likely that you have BPD.  But you very well might have some BPD traits and could have picked up some from your ex.

[Blimblam]

Eagle I suggest you read all the posts by the member 2010.  In those posts is discussed the lonely child schema in relation to the borderline.  I feel often the same as you but understanding the dynamic of the lonely child schema has brought me to a much deeper understanding. 

The correlationan is unresolved truama that is hidden deep down and shapes our view of reality.  In the lonely child's 'need' for understanding we will dig far into the projections of the borderline when we internalize those projections it is extremely confusing.  We are left to decipher the interaction alone which is extremely difficult. 

[Skip]

Hi eagle755,

To answer your question, clearly something is not right and you are feeling that.  Maybe now is a time to start working with it.

loneliness and abandonment issues,

attached quickly,

crave attention,

intense anxiety and depression at times,

feel misunderstood, neglected.

mood swings

Infidelity is extremely crushing. And the stress of crushing events in life really test our emotional strength.

Skip

[Aussie JJ]

Hi eagle,

Before I found this site I spent my first 4 therapy sessions trying to convince my psycologist that it was me that had the problem.  When he told me that my ex had BPD I looked it up and said but that's everything I have, she told me XYZ and ABC and it was me that did those things.  

I think he found it frustrating for a while trying to work through all of those issues with me.  Then I said, I have NPD, THAT is what is wrong with me isn't it?  Again, people with NPD don't accept the blame for everything, he explained this and informed me (I remember this so clearly) "I'm sorry but their isn't much wrong with you".  

The very next session I told him I didn't have BPD or NPD so I must have ASPD.  At this point he laughed at me and said my problem was I assumed blame and took on other peoples burdens.  My problem was I cared to much about others and not myself.  

My attitude was everything I did wrong was true because she said so and I had to be evil, aspd cant be cured so that's what I have got isnt it?

For those 4 or 6 sessions I had absolutely NO control over my emotional state from day to day.  I had a exBPD partner pulling all of my strings and pushing me to the limits of my sanity.  When I started concentrating on me and my issues and stopped trying to be the one with the problem so to speak and seeing her as perfect then I started to make progress.  

We all have issues, one thing I will say is if your issue is BPD then it doesn't make you a bad person, a damaged one yea.  One thing that I accept is we all have baggage, I have my faults as well.  I will work on them and not hide.  For yourself get that assistance from a professional, look at the pattern of events that has occurred throughout your life and examine them not just this relationship.  

[Skip]

The day that I had to collect my things from my ex with BPD, I brought 4 separate girls, at four separate times. Two of which she knew I was going to sleep with after I left.

No shame.

You wanna screw with my head, and cheat and lie, I'll screw with yours more.

Even if it doesn't affect them the same, it made me feel better

What part if this made you feel better?

[eagle755]

Not sure. Maybe the ego boost.

Realistically it only helped slightly.

The attention from others, and the jealousy I made her feel after hurting me so badly.

Another reason I think that I also have problems though, and am seeking to find out what exactly

[Skip]

Was it emotional revenge?

[eagle755]

It was definitely revenge. It was the day after I found out about her sleeping with another guy. I was so destructively angry.

[hergestridge]

The thought has also struck me - am I the one with borderline? I read article on this site entitled "the symtoms and diagnosis of borderline personallity disorder". I was devastated when I read this passage (I think it comes directly from "walking on eggshells" BTW) because I think it applies to me rather than my borderline xw.

"To the sufferer, BPD is about deep feelings, feelings often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of this (2):

-If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;

-I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;

-I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;

-I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;

-Other people are evil and abuse you;

-If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;

-If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;

-If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;

-If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;

-I will always be alone;

-I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;

-There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;

-I don't really know what I want;

-I will never get what I want;

-I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;.

-I have no control of myself;

-I can't discipline myself;

-My feelings and opinions are unfounded;

-Other people are not willing or helpful."

But there's something not quite right. I have no major trouble with people apart from my xw. She has trouble with lots of people and has had since childhood.

Then it struck me. all the statements above are truths in relation to my xw;

-Once she really got to know me she found me rejectable and was not be able to love me; and she left me.

-I needed to have complete control or my feelings because my xw could not cope with any form of unpredictability.

-I had to adapt my needs to my wife's wishes, otherwise she will leave me or attack me (she attacked me, then left me).

-If one of us failed to keep a promise, then that person could no longer be trusted. Therefore we had to pretend that that person did in fact keep the promise or that the person never promised anything at all.

-If I trusted my wife, I did run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;

-If I did comply with wife's request, I did in fact run the risk of "losing myself"; It was never about give and take. If I gave in once she assumed I had made it habit and pushed the limit a bit more next time. "Forecful personality" is the nice way to put it.

-If I refused my wife's request, I ran the risk of losing her. Ending the relationship was a constant underlying threat.

-I would always be alone as long as I was with my wife. She impaired my social life greatly for 20 years. I don't have to go into the details, you all know how it works by now. I always thought that perhaps if I leave my wife then I will have great social life again, but you... .what if not? Perhaps the damage is already done (it seems it is not BTW).

-In a BPD relationship there is no one who really cares about you, who will be available to help you, and whom you can fall back on. On a good day that illusion could be created and it made you continue the relationship and she was distant, absent or hostile again. Promises were made but never kept.

-I will never get what I want as long as I stay in BPD relationship. My wife was always too absorbed by her own feelings, plans and wishes to even consider my wishes. And I told her word for word what I wanted to do, but she only heard the parts that somehow enabled the things she wanted to do. Also, over time I would start feel insecure about my own needs and wishes because one day she would be encouraging and the next she would be indifferent or even making me feel that I take up too much space. As a result I retired from all areas of our life and let her lead and take the initiative so that she would be happy.

-With my wife I had no control of myself even though that illusion was created. I was by her side like a dog and only left when it was OK with her.

-My wife made me think that I can't discipline myself when in fact I am rather disciplined. Before she moved in my home was tidy, when she moved in it became a mess. She demands her problems be "our problem".

-My wife made me feel that feelings and opinions are unfounded because agree to disagree is not on her map. She was scared to death of disagreements and at the same time overly keen to argue and quarrel (this is still confusing me). Either we had to have agree or something, or my opinion was just evil and I should be ashamed.

-My wife made me feel that other people are neither willing or helpful. She painted other people black including her relatives and her friends. They are not the kind of ___holes she made them out to be. Once every third month she got into some kind of fit and should throw a party but she got over it quickly because she didn't like people much. She was more into meetings strangers at a club or a gig or something like that.

My point is that when you live a long time with someone with BPD (as I did - 20 years!) chances are that you become pretty isolated with that person and you live a "BPD reality" because the beliefs that person with BPD hold are self-fulfilling prophecies that a person with BPD reproduces. Those things are going to be true when you interact only with a person with BPD, so it can even be difficult to see who "owns" the problem.



The level of anxiety is telling. The amount of suffering she has gone through is just abnormal, she's been in contact with doctors for psychiatric problems since her teens, she has been on all kinds of medication available (now lithum + neuroleptics) and she has been having trouble keeping jobs. I have a melancholia that comes and goes plus I tend to get myself into problematic relationships. I think she's the one with BPD.

[antjs]

eagle read about introjection. probably our exs have transferred some toxicity to us but that does not mean that we have BPD now. it means that we are transiently affected by their toxicity. you can not try to match the BPD diagnosis to yourself according to your state now. you are going through a very different state through your life now aka surviving and healing from a break up with a borderline. you may judge the criteria over your whole life.

i highly suspect anyone with BPD who would ask "do i have BPD ?" cause pwBPDs do not take blame nor do they face their feelings. it might happen but i believe it is very rare.

[AlonelyOne]

Hmm... .

Maybe we all go through this "Is it me?"

I can look at a number of things and be like... uh, I did that. But in reality, it was usually from obliviousness and a bit of Aspie spectrum. And when made aware, I was usually profusely apologetic. 

[Blimblam]

I thought yeah I must have BPD I  acting crazy and a lot of the behaviors a BPD would.  The thing to remember is whether BPD or not the abuse of your ex has pushed all the right buttons and acivated your issues and traumas and now you have to process them.  

When following the path of the blame game if you really think about it none of chose where we came from or the cards we were dealt and neither did the people that caused those traumas for us.  It can really get existential about the nature of society if you really explore it and that is fine.  

Our own issues limit each of us from being aware of certain choices.

Now we have the choice to take responsibility for the truama we internalized, whatever be the source, and process it.  If we do not process it we will project that dysfunction out into the world causing others pain as we hide it from ourselves.

We got passed the hot potato and we got to let cool down and eat it.

Face the scary emotions in you that you hide from and fight back against the part of you that is so hard on yourself.  The hard part is you have to confront these parts of yourself when they are activated.  Just feeling good and focusing on te positive all the time is not confronting the issues. 

A lot of these parts of yourself will he felt as a projection onto others. So when you feel impatient with another that is the moment you have activated that part of yourself and you can face it and accept responsibility and try to work through it.

[bb12]

www.lightshouse.org/lights-blog/the-four-dysfunctional-family-roles#axzz38AnsA6pp

I found reading about the Lost Child particularly relevant for me.

It takes on the Lonely Child but also in the context of neglectful family life and being diminished.

I feel very removed from everything and live a solitary life. It caught up with me after my crushing discard at the hands of my exBPD but I was also on the outer if I were to be honest.

Agree that the level awareness and accountability you're showing are indicators that you are NOT BPD

cheers

BB12