Unconscious fear present in our concious awareness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think when we identify with abusive behavior of a BPD so the opening of our core wounds makes long time painfull repressed memories present in our concious awareness.  This truama we had hidden deep down now present In our awareness is felt as anxiety fear pain and all the other unpleasant experiences the devaluing and abandoning has inspired within us.

I think this is what a BPD persons life is like having all this pain just under the surface of their concious awareness.

I think this gives insight into the nature of reality also. I think we all have these repressed traumas underneath whether from our foo or from what we percieve as authority upon the naritive of what life is about and how we identify ourselves as part of it.  

I think we let authority of a life narrative from various sources hide us from this pain deep down we all share which at  the same time is the source of it.  When we see this pain in others we tend to look away as not identify with this part of ourself we hide from.  When I think about it it is systemic and we have devised a carefully constructed model to outsource this pain through caste systems such as the socioeconomic one that exists in my society.  

It is all so reminiscent of the way a borderline dicasosiates from pain and the fear of not knowing who we truly are.

[Blimblam]

I think when we identify with abusive behavior of a BPD so the opening of our core wounds makes long time painfull repressed memories present in our concious awareness.  This truama we had hidden deep down now present In our awareness is felt as anxiety fear pain and all the other unpleasant experiences the devaluing and abandoning has inspired within us.

I think this is what a BPD persons life is like having all this pain just under the surface of their concious awareness.

I think this gives insight into the nature of reality also. I think we all have these repressed traumas underneath whether from our foo or from what we percieve as authority upon the naritive of what life is about and how we identify ourselves as part of it.  

I think we let authority of a life narrative from various sources hide us from this pain deep down we all share which at  the same time is the source of it.  When we see this pain in others we tend to look away as not identify with this part of ourself we hide from.  When I think about it it is systemic and we have devised a carefully constructed model to outsource this pain through caste systems such as the socioeconomic one that exists in my society.  

It is all so reminiscent of the way a borderline dicasosiates from pain and the fear of not knowing who we truly are.

[Perfidy]

Hi Blimblam. I haven't posted on this board in quite a while. Your references to consciousness caught my attention. We aren't ever fully conscious. Even in waking consciousness we act on our fantasies and illusions. The hurt and pain we feel are the result of an unsustainable fantasy collapsing. The fix got this is becoming self aware and developing consciousness in reality. Everything that happened was real but based on our own fantasy of what we thought it should be like instead of how it really was.

[Blimblam]

Hi Blimblam. I haven't posted on this board in quite a while. Your references to consciousness caught my attention. We aren't ever fully conscious. Even in waking consciousness we act on our fantasies and illusions. The hurt and pain we feel are the result of an unsustainable fantasy collapsing. The fix got this is becoming self aware and developing consciousness in reality. Everything that happened was real but based on our own fantasy of what we thought it should be like instead of how it really was.

perdify,

I totally agree with you. But what reality is it you speak of? The fantasy within for me was a reflection of the fantasy from the outside. A fantasy I internalized and identified with then projected back out. I was seeking something from this fantasy, something from within, from deep within.

I think the fantasy indeed did exist before I met my ex.  It is filled with ideas implanted in me in childhood a realm I created to hide my treasure.  It is a metaphor for my own psyche and a place I hid the light within. A treasure map I made to find it. I think it is this which Borderline is unable to do.  So they seek the fantasy of someone else to take and share in our light. We become intoxicated and deluded into not realizing it is from within and when our mirror object that revealed these hidden parts of us to ourself leaves we feel all the pain of the original trauma that caused us to hide our treasure in the first place.

The fantasy is something I internalized from the outside to hide my treasure from whithin. Then I spent the rest of my life looking outside of myself to find it.

[Perfidy]

Totally on the right track seeking answered with respect to conscious existence. One step closer to reality. It takes a lot and it isn't always easy to come by.

[Blimblam]

I mean before I was having all these sort of existential ideas on the nature of reality and consciousness when before I first got with my ex. I was coming from a place of authenticity I genuinely cared about her and I still do. I felt I knew who I was. I did feel a bit lost at that time in my life and it was a vulnerable time for me.

I guess I am doing personal inventory about what comes from within and what comes from outside of myself that I have internalized within.

I can feel my awareness at times sort of detach and observe thoughts attached to various emotions sort of battle for control within my mind. Where as before they would sort of take control and run my mind in loops of ruminations until they would beat me down and I would yield to them in defeat. Yet I can still fully feel them. Like this higher level of awareness can redirect these thoughts into my body. Breath focus helps tremendously with this.

[Blimblam]

I understand it now.  Borderlines show us the path.  When they leave they creates a tear all the way to core to our true selves and it is a tormentors path but it leads to "salvation" from the false self.  They are messengers of light living a tormented existance in this realm they did not develop a false self so they are not fully of this world. They are here to show us  the light through the darkness within our own minds. She was my muse that inspired the fools journey to the light.

[Narellan]

For me it's a bit more clear. I'm not delving too much into the core of what I got or didn't get as a child. No ones childhood was perfect. Radical acceptance that my parents loved me and did their best. For me it's about being lied to and cheated on.  My conscious self can't comprehend that someone is capable of that evil. My subconscious still struggles to deal with it and make some sort of sense of it. That's why for 4 months I continually woke up crying during the night. It took a lot longer for my unconscious mind to just accept it for what it was. Unbelievable betrayal. Nothing to do with my FOO. I just led a fairly sheltered life where lies and cheating were never part of. This just feels like shock. And a lot of damage has come from me seeing people can really be this cruel.

I don't believe my exBPD had any light to show me the path. He is a sick calculating person that I can no longer have in my life, as much as I love him. He is my past now. And my biggest lesson is not to be so trusting. I don't have any anger toward him, nor do I hold him on a pedestal anymore. He taught me very harsh lessons of love, that at 48 yo were difficult to learn.

[Blimblam]

Narallen did you feel like you found your soulmate the missing piece to the puzzle and the thing you seek in at the end game of your own internal fantasy at the time you fully commited to this perso. And completed the fusing of your identities?

[Narellan]

I felt like I'd met my soulmate.  we talked about everything. He was carefree and funny. And he's the only man I've ever met that showede affection. All the time. I'm 48 and he's the only man who has ever stroked my hair. That's just one example. My ex husband was aloof.

I don't know if its anymore than what he fulfilled in me as a man/ woman partnership.

But I felt like I'd been waiting for him my entire life.

[Caredverymuch]

For me it's a bit more clear. I'm not delving too much into the core of what I got or didn't get as a child. No ones childhood was perfect. Radical acceptance that my parents loved me and did their best. For me it's about being lied to and cheated on.  My conscious self can't comprehend that someone is capable of that evil. My subconscious still struggles to deal with it and make some sort of sense of it. That's why for 4 months I continually woke up crying during the night. It took a lot longer for my unconscious mind to just accept it for what it was. Unbelievable betrayal. Nothing to do with my FOO. I just led a fairly sheltered life where lies and cheating were never part of. This just feels like shock. And a lot of damage has come from me seeing people can really be this cruel.

I don't believe my exBPD had any light to show me the path. He is a sick calculating person that I can no longer have in my life, as much as I love him. He is my past now. And my biggest lesson is not to be so trusting. I don't have any anger toward him, nor do I hold him on a pedestal anymore. He taught me very harsh lessons of love, that at 48 yo were difficult to learn.

Oh Narellan,   you have suffered a great betrayal. Much more than abandonment betrayal. I do understand so much of what you say about this being far more than uncovering our core wounds as the by product of an interaction with a pBPD. Shock indeed. We all suffered shock but for your experience it was delivered with dual cruelty by involving your friend as well.  You are a strong and admirable person and you are aware of the need to protect yourself from recontact attempts and you are doing that. That is so difficult, I know. It all is. Please give yourself a hug and know how valued you are   And keep on healing and taking care of yourself.

My experience was the most damaging experience of my life and at my age, the harshest lesson on trust as well. It's very sad that I will never trust another to that extent again nor do I believe I will allow myself to love that deeply again. The ambush was that great. And the after effects that painful.  I am so sorry we endured what we have, I hope someday we all gain inner peace once again and forever more.  I am so very thankful for the support provided here. And we are so glad you are here Narellan finding your support amongst those that understand and who have experienced the same deep pain.

[Blimblam]

Exactly.  He has a vacume and he brought the light through you into him and that feeling came from your absolute core the divine spark of life itself. When he left he created a void which is the path to this part of you which is the message of the true self. It is a painfull journey. It is a journey into the unconscious mind the underworld it is scary the fear is what Christians call "the fear of god"

[Blimblam]

The anxiety and pain is the parts of yourself that need to be processed to realize the fear is an illusion it's love being held by fear.  He was showing you how to save him which is by saving yourself and reclaiming this love that has been trapped within you.  You felt it it's real. It is within you. 

[Narellan]

CVM your post really made me cry. It is wonderful to receive kindness and support here on this forum.

BlimBlam I have a huge capacity for love and empathy. It's been my undoing. And I loved and trusted with all my heart... .Both of them. Dual loss.

And this experience has showed me my strength.

The fear of him is only tied into his unpredictable behaviour in the face of me now being split black. The fear and anxiety is around " what will he do next?" Because I shared a couple of secrets with him, one he has already disclosed to others. And the photos stress me out. It is so unprofessional of him, and again I am in shock over his actions.

[Blimblam]

You have to understand it's not the man you love doing this. It is the disorder the disorder doesn't not want the man you love to find the light you found in your love for him.  The disorder wants you to focus on the pain and fear so you will not see it is an illusion. That love you found that pure endless unconditional love you found In yourself is still within you. You were seeking it your entire life and you found it now it is buried under so much pain that must be sort though to reclaim it. I believe in you.  The disorder is trying to keep you stuck to keep you from waking up.  The disorder has imprisoned the man you love which is who you are. 

[Narellan]

I agree with the first part of your post. It is the disorder that prevents him from being happy and being able to reciprocate love... .Mine or anyone's. but I am not trapped by the disorder. I was hurt by it. By his actions, intentional or not. Some were some weren't. I still have the capacity for great love within me. But I have learned I need to put boundaries in place and not be so trusting. People lie and cheat. Whether they have BPD or not. I recognise I desire a partner who can express love and emotions and affection that my BPD partner could. His feelings were fleeting and the relationship was a fantasy, but I believe there are real men out there somewhere that can be honestly expressive. Not that I'm going looking at this point... .But I see from enough honest sincere people on this forum that people like me exist. That can express love and affection honestly.

It is not denial of the disorder or what is or isn't lacking in me. I was in a vulnerable place when I met my exBPD having just come out of a broken marriage of 22 years. And I was unaware adults could behave in this manner. It's been very eye opening to say the least. And I refer to both my exBPD and my best friend who doesn't have a mental illness.

I don't have a fear of god. And I still see good in people. But I can now see some bad too.

[Blimblam]

The pain is love trapped in fear, guilt, and shame.  Fear is good it means one isn't a psychopath. But fear is an illusion. Fear is unconditional love. 

[Narellan]

Psychopaths feel fear. Bpds feel fear. Exorbitant fear.

I don't believe the pain is trapped fear, shame and guilt. The pain for me is loving people that weren't worthy of it. It's the betrayal and deceit. Most of the pain came from seeing messages my best friend exchanged with my lover. Whilst telling me she hasn't spoken to him. And the messages about my faults as a person. There was a photo he sent her of he and I kissing a few days earlier on holidays and he had typed " HAhahahaha" in capital letters underneath it. There is no fear, shame or guilt within me. But pain over this. Because I don't understand it. It's sick. And it's sicker that my best friend laughed back. My pain is from a broken heart... It's that simple.

[Blimblam]

It has taken me incredible amounts of pain and distance from the disorder and self inquiry to be able to come to these realizations. It had been te most difficult painfull scary thing in my life.  At the worst moments I no longer feared death I welcomed it the suffering was so great.  I feared living. I'm sorry the disorder keeps reaching out to you.  We create the false self to hide from the pain of suffering. Our sense of self is only that it is a sense of self. Our sense of self is a fantasy. 1 part from outside and 1 part from within.  But going through the pain and suffering and becoming one with the fear the pain it becomes something else. There is a transformation.  The hardest part for me now is the grudge.

[Blimblam]

I fear the grudge. Feeling that pain I am afraid to feel it. Perhaps you can relate?  The story overlays the emotions as thoughts that circle in endless loops in the mind.

You will perhaps never understand the story only the emotions they evoke in you can be understood and experienced. 

[Narellan]

Yes I identify with your pain. At one point I did not want to live. I was in a very dark place and felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. It has been a long hard 5 months and I'm truly grateful I found this forum, I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be here today without it. And my sense of self has gradually returned. I have made a lot of changes, many if which I wouldn't have changed prior to meeting my exBPD. I've ended " friendships" I've changed jobs and I've been away alone on a holiday. My strength and self esteem are returning. I know what to do to keep moving forward. And time is helping me heal.

Peace to you BB. It's a long and difficult journey 

[Blimblam]

narallen,

I think this a perfect circle song may help you.

www.youtu.be/CB3Gv4oZdWo


"The Noose"


So glad to see you well

Overcome and completely silent now

With heaven's help

You cast your demons out

And not to pull your halo down

Around your neck and tug you off your cloud

But I'm more than just a little curious

How you're planning to go about

Making your amends to the dead

To the dead

Recall the deeds as if

They're all someone else's

Atrocious stories

Now you stand reborn before us all

So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down

Around your neck and tug you to the ground

But I'm more than just a little curious

How you're planning to go about

Making your amends to the dead

To the dead

With your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping

Your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping down [repeated]

Your halo slipping down to choke you now  

[Blimblam]

... .and this

www.youtu.be/xvwt4tBSEQY

"A Stranger"


Cast the calming apple

Up and over satellites

To draw out the timid wild one

To convince you it's alright

And I listen for the whisper

Of your sweet insanity while I formulate

Denials of your effect on me

You're a stranger

So what do I care

You vanish today

Not the first time I hear

All the lies

What am I to do with all this silence

Shy away, shy away phantom

Run away terrified child

Won't you move away you ___ing tornado

I'm better off without you

Tearing my will down

[Narellan]

oh BB, I have no idea what that means... .

I'm a realist. I know what part I played in the relationship. I have no halo and I'm on no cloud.

I'm just an ordinary person, who loved the wrong person. But I don't have regrets and I don't deny my part in it. I loved and learned. That's life. I have no grudge issues. I believe in karma and I believe I don't need to play any part in their lives to bring them down. I choose to walk away from the drama and merry go round. It's not because I'm better than them, I do it because I have to. Self preservation.

[Blimblam]

not your halo... .it is a message to them your ex and ex friend pretending everything is happy and perfect.  Because you are left with the story and they pretend like it is "someone elses atrocious story"

the actual song itself captures the emotion very well I thought it may be good for you to feel those emotions in a releasing way.

[Blimblam]

the song can also be related to oneself when one all of a sudden think they are high and mighty. I just find it humbles my thoughts of my ex as being happy and free like nothing happened. The song was very releasing for me.  Then when I started feeling free of her and getting a lofty perception of myself it humbled me. It helped me find internal balance.

its like Namaste = recognize the you that is I

[Narellan]

Ahh yes... True. Thanks for clearing that up.

Incidentally my exBPD left town today. Bailed.

No idea where. It was a shock to see his car and caravan gone as I have to drive past everyday  to work. After the initial shock tho, I felt a peace come over me. No more anxiety that he might keep turning up at my door. It's a good feeling. He may have actually moved on now for good.

Fingers crossed.

[Blimblam]

Im sorry if I may be hard to relate to.  I am coming to realize I am becoming extremely esoteric I guess it is my true nature.

[Narellan]

You're not hard to relate to... .We all come here on the same journey.

The things you raise I have dealt with my T also. It's a journey of self discovery. The gift of the borderline... .I'm grateful to have met him... .He truly stripped me to my core and I've learned so much.

The love I felt was real, regardless of how he felt. Regardless of how fleeting or real or true... .It's irrelevant. I am glad I experienced that love. I am glad I had such moments of pure joy and happiness. Who cares if it was a fantasy for him... .My feelings were real. And I'm so glad I have that capacity to love. Next time if at all, it will be with someone worthy.

[Blimblam]

yeah the entire way I view reality changed... .

so the borderline didn't internalize enough love to develop a sense of self. so who they are is trapped in their unconscious mind. 

I internalized enough love and projected that onto other things I internalized from outside of me and it congealed to form my sense of self which is essentially a fantasy.

then I realized that that love I felt was trapped deep in me and when she left I felt it gone and all my repressed emotions became part of my conscious awareness.  Destroying my sense of self and who I thought I was.  So my sense of self wasn't me.

So the borderline hasn't internalized enough of this world to be fully apart of it and she doesn't know who she is. but with her I felt the original love I had seeked my entirelife.  The I realized this world is her dream world her nightmare and she is looking for the lost parts of herself in it. This is her unconscious mind and I am just a character within it. When I found her she helped me find the missing piece within myself. But I know my sense of self is just a part of this realm and who I really am is her. I had been looking for her my entire life. I had to know her to know who I am who I really am. I had to experience everything hidden in my unconcious to find it though.

it is like realizing I am just a character in sleeping beauties dream.

this world is the game the system and the ones to navigate it best are sociopaths because they only see it as a game to be won they are totally just material of the dreamworld which is the material world.

[Narellan]

". When I found her she helped me find the missing piece within myself."

What was missing in you that you were so unaware of BB?

In my case I was we'll aware for many years my husband was incapable of expressing love. So I lacked that and craved it. But it's no missing piece. I have total awareness that I was in a loveless marriage... .Thats One of the reasons I left... .

[Blimblam]

I was seeking my entire life something I found it but I basically realized im a figment of someone elses dreamworld. and she is asleep and the point of life is to find her. now how do I wake her up?

im not talking about my ex... .borderlines are like physical manifestations of her in this material world. shes lost and scared... .this is her nightmare... .how do we wake her up?

[Blimblam]

ill even name drop to get people to take me seriously... .

look up carl jung + sofia myth + redbook

[Blimblam]

Im really hoping someone else besides me has realized this... .if theres a place people would realize who Sophia is this forum would definitely be the place...

[fromheeltoheal]

I understand it now. 

Borderlines show us the path.

[/b]  When they leave they creates a tear all the way to core to our true selves and it is a tormentors path but it leads to "salvation" from the false self.  They are messengers of light living a tormented existance in this realm they did not develop a false self so they are not fully of this world. They are here to show us  the light through the darkness within our own minds. She was my muse that inspired the fools journey to the light.

Yes!  To me this is the gift of a relationship with a borderline; the pain motivates us to dig deep to who we really are, and you sure are digging BB.  As I've dug I've discovered again and again that she was wrong about me, I really am that awesome dude I think I am, with my perfectly imperfect flaws, and I'm totally good with that.  I've also accepted that the devaluations were just her disorder going through it's phases, and she is not to be taken seriously.  So it's all been very validating.  When these relationships end we need compassion, empathy and validation, and some of the most powerful versions are the ones we give ourselves; the ability to self-validate has been a godsend for me, and discovering myself anew, and embracing it, has been the main gift of the relationship.

So what if BPD has survived evolution for a purpose?  What if certain people end up with it to help the people they touch find themselves?  What if it's true that the teacher appears when the student is ready, and teachers come disguised sometimes?  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

We are never fools though; everyone always does the best they can with what they have.  Sunlight is the best disinfectant, and maybe it's time to focus on gratitude that we've been shown the light, so we can find our way to a better tomorrow, the life of our dreams.  One man's hallucination; I'm runnin' with it... .

[Blimblam]

I understand it now.  Borderlines show us the path.  When they leave they creates a tear all the way to core to our true selves and it is a tormentors path but it leads to "salvation" from the false self.  They are messengers of light living a tormented existance in this realm they did not develop a false self so they are not fully of this world. They are here to show us  the light through the darkness within our own minds. She was my muse that inspired the fools journey to the light.

Yes!  To me this is the gift of a relationship with a borderline; the pain motivates us to dig deep to who we really are, and you sure are digging BB.  As I've dug I've discovered again and again that she was wrong about me, I really am that awesome dude I think I am, with my perfectly imperfect flaws, and I'm totally good with that.  I've also accepted that the devaluations were just her disorder going through it's phases, and she is not to be taken seriously.  So it's all been very validating.  When these relationships end we need compassion, empathy and validation, and some of the most powerful versions are the ones we give ourselves; the ability to self-validate has been a godsend for me, and discovering myself anew, and embracing it, has been the main gift of the relationship.

So what if BPD has survived evolution for a purpose?  What if certain people end up with it to help the people they touch find themselves?  What if it's true that the teacher appears when the student is ready, and teachers come disguised sometimes?  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

We are never fools though; everyone always does the best they can with what they have.  Sunlight is the best disinfectant, and maybe it's time to focus on gratitude that we've been shown the light, so we can find our way to a better tomorrow, the life of our dreams.  One man's hallucination; I'm runnin' with it... .

Lol Awsome.  I'm convinced that the borderline is Mary Magdalene and the Virgin Mary is like a sleeping giant and this world is her unconscious mind and she exits in it as the divine spark of life and manifests in it in the human form of borderlines and if we look at borderlines this is obviously her nightmare. We are her dream characters.  And mother Mary is under a spell keeping her asleep by The Lord of this realm "sauron" of lord of the rings so to speak. Mother Mary would be sleeping beauty.

This myth is known as the myth of Sophia it existed in early Christianity in fact I believe it is the basis for it. And the basis of the knowledge of behaviorally modern man beginning about 30,000 years ago the same myth as the Venus of willendorf.  Anatomically modern man existed for

Like 200,000 years before he awakened his mind.

I basically had a spiritual awakening and realized these realizations I had were the basis for Gnosticism which is the for runner of existential philosophy and depth psychology.  The same stories exist within Hinduism and Buddhism. But have been adapted to eastern society so it fits within the contextual framework of thiir culture but has it's roots in the west with the Aryan's.  The Venus of willendorf. The myth of Sophia. Sleeping beauty. Rupunzel. The Venus. Hathor. The Virgin Mary and Mary magdaline.

[Blimblam]

What I'm saying is it's not a myth we are the subconscious mind of a greAter entity experiencing itself subjectively this is a dream. How does one awaken Ina dream and convince their fellow dreamers they are all sleeping?  Through stories to give us hints and art. Archetypical dream symbols.  When I realized a bunch of symbols flashed in my mind. 

[Blimblam]

I just looked up Greek mythology to find the realization I had and found it and is considered the most sacred of mysteries in the Greek religion.

www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eleusinian_mysteries

[fromheeltoheal]

You go Blim!  I choose to look inside for answers, since they're all there and I can rely on them today, although considering different viewpoints adds perspective and can be validating.  Keep it up man!  I'm sure there was a borderline or two hangin' out in ancient Greece, who knows, maybe someone will consider bpdfamily posts mythology one day!

[Blimblam]

Thanks yes my answers are coming from within emotions I process then my mind makes connections of things I internalized from out side of me.  But I had like this life changing epiphanie and had a flash in my mind of like the most ancient figurine In history and it like mellded with my memories and unlocked a secret.  While I listening to the song sleeping beauty by a perfect circle. And all of a sudden a bunch of symbols images and memories like told me an emotional story like the mystery was unraveled and I knew who I was.  I was crying so hard and it was an intense experience. I decided to look up the mystery revealed to me and then see it is a story repeat over and over as the esoteric mystery parts of pretty much every religion in the ancient civilizations. And it all connects back to a figurine from 30,000 years ago.

So now I am working on trying to  get into writing like the imagery of my realizations because I need to make this Into a story.  And maybe try my hand at creating a screenplay. I'm not much of a writer and I have no skills in the latter but I recieved the message. And I need to find a medium to express it.

[Blimblam]

Basically the borderline is the goddess decended and lost looking for the lost parts of herself In her nightmare.  Those parts of herself are found in us she's looking for us to save her to wake up she wants to wake up from this nightmare she's trying to become lucid. This is the underworld to her.  And the parts of herself she is looking for is the divine spark at the core of each one of us. In our uncoincious in our underworld.

[Perfidy]

There's nothing mystical, magic, fantastical, illusory,supernatural or other conjuring of the mind going on anywhere except in the mind. This is one of the hardest things to understand. The mind is a servant not the master. One of the most prolific errors of all time. Know thy self. The mind is necessary for survival. A tool. Used properly, a very useful tool.

[fromheeltoheal]

it is a story repeat over and over

 

Yes.  Human nature hasn't changed much for millennia, and the ancients had a bead on it, useful.  I thought I found god at the bottom of a bong once, and I was right, in that all we need is within us now, it's just a matter of perception and focus.  If assigning ancient mythology to your borderline helps you detach, or at least shifts your focus so you can better your life, I say whatever works man.  I look forward to the next Fatal Attraction... .

[Blimblam]

Idk man I found her I found Sophia. Carl Jung seems to think it is the main point to all this and I have to agree. It is what it is but it's not what we thought it was.  And who we are is not who we think we are.  I recirved a heavy dose of gnosis yesterday and the myth of Sophia was revealed to me.  I saw the saw it the way I saw it and looked up to see if the myth already existed and it does and it is at the very core of the mystery schools of the ancients. It's nice to see it backed up like that.  

I wasn't looking for that story it just came to me. Is it just an archetypical expression of the mind? Maybe, but I think it's the truth.  It fits in with this world is a simulation things I see places. In fact a lot of things fit Into it.  

[Blimblam]

I recieved a memory and the Venus if willendorf and story of Jesus and the two Mary's and he father all came together so did object relations.  But this was all my own personal story I lived I relized this is her dream and she's trying to wake up.  I looked up te story and found it repeating over and over in history after my realization.  Not only that but it seems to be the core story at the heart of the mystery schools.

[Blimblam]

My mom is a borderline too so I recognize her. I read through a bunch of related myths and if I take bits and pieces of each I can almost create the story that came to me. The thing is I didn't know about all those stories. I had seen the figurine like 15 years ago in school. And I learned about Christianity in Sunday school 20 years ago and I didn't pay attention. I read an extremely brief passage about Sophia the other day but it was like 5 sentences and not descriptive.

I will reinterpret the myth it will be my great work if no one else seems to know than I guess it's my life purpose.  The thing is I have no doubt about this I'm going to go see the main gnostic write speak on Friday and try to talk to him he's like the main scholar of today on the subject. I didn't find it through research I found it in life and heard the myth in story form just as much as anyone that has been through American public school system.

[Blimblam]

It totally makes sense why I am exclusively attracted to a particular borderline type.  Each time their art is almost identicle. My exs art is one of the main things that unlocked the mystery.

[Narellan]

I think it would be great for you to write these ideas all down BB. Writing is very therapeutic and it helps us process things better. I would take these thoughts with you to your next T appointment and work through some of it with your T. And who knows... .Maybe one day you will write that screenplay 

[Blimblam]

I think I'll just write the Sophia myth and write down my visions and them I'll interpret Christopher Nolan's batman in a blog later on and a bunch of tool song attract their attention and get in touch with the occult societies and have other people translate it for me. I have vision other people have much more practical skills of expression than me.  I'm thinking Christopher Nolan or maybe Steven soderberg I like their work.

[Blimblam]

When I went into the woods I got extremely in depth into my knowledge of the yin yang and the divine feminine spirit within nature. I could explain all kinds of thing in terms of yin yang and the microcosm of the macrocosm. I developed a very advanced refined meditation practice.  I don't have any of those skills but if I had found Sophia then I had forgotten. I remember hitting a wall in my psyche I could not go past.  I went way way past that point being broken down in my interaction with my ex I will have to develop and refine my skills of focusing and channeling the mind but it is the insight within it's depths that is the most difficult to access.

We've all heard the expression life is but a dream.  Knowing who the dreamer is though I mean that's mind boggling stuff.

[Blimblam]

We've seen her, Sophia, in our exs eyes. That scared distant look like she's from a different universe and she's soo so far away from home and she's lost. The sadness.  The real her the suffering of not being of this world and being trapped within. And when you look deeply within you can see someone trapped a billion light years within the abyss.