Defeated

[Blimblam]

I'm laying here barely able to lift myself to write this.  I feel like Gravity has taken over me and is pulling me down to the ground and I accept it.  I can not fight this. I just have to lay down.  This is how it is. I don't feel ashamed   I just need to lay here

[gtrhr]

I know how that feels a lot, gravity has kept me in bed too late too many Saturdays due to the exhaustion and seldom feeling replenished.  Dealing with persistent thoughts about her is exhausting.  Even the knowledge that getting up and doing something active will help you to feel better sometimes isn't enough.

[elessar]

We are here with you Blimblam... .some of us in the same situation as you. You aren't alone. Don't be hard on yourself. You are here because you are a good person who must have done a lot for someone, someone who hurt you deeply. Sometimes its good to lie down and sleep. Back in 2006, I slept away the entire summer between undergraduate and graduate school... .the first time she had left me. That summer is blacked out in my mind. Past week, I am sleeping when i am not at work. Sending good vibes your way

[LettingGo14]

I'm laying here barely able to lift myself to write this.  I feel like Gravity has taken over me and is pulling me down to the ground and I accept it.  I can not fight this. I just have to lay down.  This is how it is. I don't feel ashamed   I just need to lay here

Exactly -- no need to fight anything, and no shame.   We start where we are.   Among the best words of wisdom I encountered, ":)rop the story, and feel the feelings" (Pema Chodron).  There is wisdom in no escape, BB.  You are doing the work, and we are here with you.

[fromheeltoheal]

The most important thing right now is to take very good care of yourself; if you're exhausted, rest.  Lack of sleep and adequate rest can really screw up your mental state, and you don't need that right now.  Extreme emotional trauma and/or depression can cause insomnia, it certainly did for me, and also sap all your energy, so we need to work extra hard on dealing with that as we work through a detachment.

And I found after a while that I was rested but depressed, just didn't give a sht about anything.  If that's the case, it's better to get your ass up, go for a walk, a run, a bike ride, whatever, get together with other people, or not, but move, just move.  It's for you to decide if your body is telling you to take it easy, or you're rested but your mental state won't motivate you to do anything.  If it's the latter, getting off your ass will make you feel better, guaranteed.  Take care of you!

[Blimblam]

I'm laying here barely able to lift myself to write this.  I feel like Gravity has taken over me and is pulling me down to the ground and I accept it.  I can not fight this. I just have to lay down.  This is how it is. I don't feel ashamed   I just need to lay here

Exactly -- no need to fight anything, and no shame.   We start where we are.   Among the best words of wisdom I encountered, ":)rop the story, and feel the feelings" (Pema Chodron).  There is wisdom in no escape, BB.  You are doing the work, and we are here with you.

That quote is so wise and so hard to follow even when I am able to do so it is fleeting but that's ok

[Emelie Emelie]

Blimblam - We hear so much about accepting out loss.  You are wise enough to accept where you are in the grieving process.  I get angry with myself sometimes.  Get over it already.  Not helpful.  You've reminded me it's okay.  Thank you.  

Your wisdom will carry you through this.

[Blimblam]

I know how that feels a lot, gravity has kept me in bed too late too many Saturdays due to the exhaustion and seldom feeling replenished.  Dealing with persistent thoughts about her is exhausting.  Even the knowledge that getting up and doing something active will help you to feel better sometimes isn't enough.

I have to do it no matter the consequences. Struggling against this is a fight I can not win. No matter what anyone thinks or says.

[Blimblam]

Blimblam - We hear so much about accepting out loss.  You are wise enough to accept where you are in the grieving process.  I get angry with myself sometimes.  Get over it already.  Not helpful.  You've reminded me it's okay.  Thank you.  

Your wisdom will carry you through this.

Each layer of grieving is a new conflict a new struggle. And they seem to be layers that never end. With each layer I struggle with my mind frantically fragmenting intense emotions reliving intense emotional experiences, bargaining that my ex will give me a real appology.  Facing my own narcissism. I typically break no contact and make what seems like a fool of myself.

I wish I could say it has been gracefull.  But it is what it is. 

[Blimblam]

We are here with you Blimblam... .some of us in the same situation as you. You aren't alone. Don't be hard on yourself. You are here because you are a good person who must have done a lot for someone, someone who hurt you deeply. Sometimes its good to lie down and sleep. Back in 2006, I slept away the entire summer between undergraduate and graduate school... .the first time she had left me. That summer is blacked out in my mind. Past week, I am sleeping when i am not at work. Sending good vibes your way

When I finally accept defeat it seems to be the most gentle moments I have with myself.  I look foreward to the day I am bored with it.

[Blimblam]

The most important thing right now is to take very good care of yourself; if you're exhausted, rest.  Lack of sleep and adequate rest can really screw up your mental state, and you don't need that right now.  Extreme emotional trauma and/or depression can cause insomnia, it certainly did for me, and also sap all your energy, so we need to work extra hard on dealing with that as we work through a detachment.

And I found after a while that I was rested but depressed, just didn't give a sht about anything.  If that's the case, it's better to get your ass up, go for a walk, a run, a bike ride, whatever, get together with other people, or not, but move, just move.  It's for you to decide if your body is telling you to take it easy, or you're rested but your mental state won't motivate you to do anything.  If it's the latter, getting off your ass will make you feel better, guaranteed.  Take care of you!

I have really been struggling very much with self care.  I barely have enough energy to do the basics.  The idea of pushing myself was a fight I have up a while ago as it was unhealthy and brought me much suffering.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have really been struggling very much with self care.  I barely have enough energy to do the basics.  The idea of pushing myself was a fight I have up a while ago as it was unhealthy and brought me much suffering.

Yep, been there man, I feel for you.  It takes what it takes, and sometimes one foot in front of the other is all we can do.

I pushed myself too, and it didn't work, and I also discovered that was me trying to outrun and avoid my emotions; it's important to slow down enough to feel them.  Also though, if we're stuck in a funk, just moving your body, doing something active, will change your emotional state, just the movement; no pushing, just moving.

[MommaBear]

Hey Blimblam,

We've all been there. Some days it took everything I had to just go through the motions and put in my best fake happy face in front of my kid.

And at night, after the little one went to sleep, I'd weep uncontrollably for hours, getting maybe 2-3 hours sleep a night before starting the whole thing over again with my fake smile and my delighted giggles - all so my kid would never know the pain he had caused me.

I stopped eating, and would have continued doing so for much longer if not for my kid. I sobbed again and again, more than I had in my entire life, desperate for answers.

They drain the life out of us. The d/o is so demanding, nothing we ever do is good enough. I felt as though I had been living my entire life in 5th gear during those last few years with him. I could never rest, never re-coop, never have a moment to myself just to breathe and to decompress. It was always, ALWAYS about him.

I think sometimes keeping us jumping through all these hoops is part of why we ignore the abuse, or excuse it, because we just don't have the energy to argue or to try and reason with someone who has faulty logic and selective memories.

And then when they're gone, and so much of our identity has been catering to their insanity, we feel empty, and we're left to face the reality of their horror show all on our own. They never give us closure, they just move on to their next source of love/affection/validation/whatever, and toss us to the curb without a second thought.

But it gets easier, and we learn to "re-learn" all those things about ourselves that we've ignored or forgotten in order to accommodate them. And we get to re-learn them in a whole new light. I know things seem bleak right now, but can you think of anything that you've had to put on hold for her? Maybe a hobby, or some long forgotten friends, or something you've always wanted to try or to learn but never got the chance because she thought it was stupid or you simply didn't have the time?

I'm not saying, "Get up and do those things", but rather, try and get back in touch with the thoughts and feelings you've had. In my case, I took up cooking and starting going back to the gym, two things I could never do while with my ex. I still hear his voice, telling me what a failure I am, how I'm not good enough, but very slowly I am learning to talk back to those thoughts in my head.

Yesterday my personal trainer said to me, "I can tell you used to be an athlete, your form is excellent! We can have you back up to that level in a couple of months, no problem!"

I thought this part of my life was lost forever. Remember, she didn't steal it. It's still yours to take, to own, and to rightfully claim.

Maybe take a minute and look something or someone up online. It might spark a little passion in the old you, and that just might give you a little something to look forward to on those tough days.

Hang in there!