Single mom: 2yr + teen step children

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi Family,

Not sure if this is the right board to post, so if it's not, please accept my apology.

I'm generally on the "recovering from the wounds of a failed BPD relationship" board.

My xhwBPD and I are getting a divorce, and we have a 2 year old child. I realize I have to work to provide a stable environment for our child, because God knows, he certainly can't. While there are no BPD "traits" at this early stage, any advice on what to look for (from you veterans) would be greatly appreciated.

On another note, my bf has also split from his BPD/NPD ex, and has teenage kids with her. Two are already exhibiting traits, and we're both doing everything we can to undo the damage and to give our children the tools to move beyond this insanity.

Any advice, suggestions, feedback or general comments would be much appreciated. We both want, more than anything to have a game plan for helping our kids.

Thanks everyone  

[MommaBear]

Hi Family,

Not sure if this is the right board to post, so if it's not, please accept my apology.

I'm generally on the "recovering from the wounds of a failed BPD relationship" board.

My xhwBPD and I are getting a divorce, and we have a 2 year old child. I realize I have to work to provide a stable environment for our child, because God knows, he certainly can't. While there are no BPD "traits" at this early stage, any advice on what to look for (from you veterans) would be greatly appreciated.

On another note, my bf has also split from his BPD/NPD ex, and has teenage kids with her. Two are already exhibiting traits, and we're both doing everything we can to undo the damage and to give our children the tools to move beyond this insanity.

Any advice, suggestions, feedback or general comments would be much appreciated. We both want, more than anything to have a game plan for helping our kids.

Thanks everyone  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, MommaBear & welcome to the Parenting a Child with BPD Board 

At 2 years old, I think my own son (who was diagnosed with BPD last year at age 36) exhibited signs of ADHD, but wasn't anything more than rambunctious and sometimes emotionally dysregulated. Since he was my first child, I didn't realize anything out of the ordinary and I just took his behaviors in stride. It wasn't until he started Kindergarten and then the bullying by the other classmates and his teachers (because he was "different" and didn't march in a line like a soldier) began, that his troubles really began. It was this stress and bullying outside the home that probably helped his ADHD cross the line into BPD eventually--probably during his early teens.

What are you noticing in your 2 year-old that concerns you? What behaviors are you noticing in your step-children that is leading you to suspect BPD? One thing you can do is try to keep your home life as calm and supportive as possible, validating each one of the children as human beings separate and unique. Listen to their feelings and stories, give them your undivided attention when they need you, don't dismiss their feelings and concerns. BPD results when they don't get validated for their own minds and feelings; they are told that they "shouldn't feel that way" or that they aren't the people they think they are. Invalidation of their beings, hopes and dreams, can do damage to their psyches.

What I would suggest is that you read every one of the links to the right-hand side of this page, and learn how to listen, validate, empathize and understand them. Even if your children do not have BPD, these skills and mind-set will come in handy for supporting them emotionally and helping them to grow up to be confident, happy adults. If I'd known everything I do now, when I was bringing up my BPD son, his life would've been much different and happier. You are lucky you are here now, getting this information, while they are all still young enough to benefit from your new communicating and parenting skills, MommaBear 

[MommaBear]

Hi Rapt Reader, thanks for the quick response.

My little one doesn't exhibit signs of ADHD or BPD, but I fear the invalidating experience of having a BPD parent will take its toll over time. I do not tolerate bullying in any way, shape or form, and I'm a bit strict with respct to things like chores (yes, even at 2, help can be given emptying garbages, putting toys away, and so on), and reducing tantrums when the answer is "no".

I try very hard to be supportive and understanding during tantrums, because developing impulse control is an important thing for the little one, given how my ex would likely just give in to make his life easier, otherwise turn a blind eye to bad behavior / tantrums and just make the problem worse. He can also be very stern and forceful, making a bad situation escalate. He seems completely incapable of simply waiting until our child is a little more stable emotionally before taking action, and of course, the tantrums hit a peak when he's around.

Of course, I don't want to be TOO strict, so I'm always looking for advice on how to strike a good balance.

My bfs kids are a whole other ball of wax.

SD19 is exactly like her mother. Lives in her own reality, helpless, passive, can't talk about feelings, gets angry (quietly, silently, never in a rage) over little things (people "invading" her space - such as the kitchen, for instance), completely dependant on her bf for just about everything (except finances. Dad still covers that), and lives in a constant state of denial. She refuses to get to know me or the little one beyond a very casual, polite, superficial acknowledgement (it's been a year), and locks herself in her room all day, or otherwise isn't home. She refuses therapy because she once had a bad experience with a therapist (so, the entire profession is uselss, right?), and repeatedly claims she's is fine. About the divorce, her mother, about me, about everything. Her level of emotional maturity is comparable to that of a 6 year old. This isn't a big deal in terms of it affecting my kid, since we rarely see her and she prefers the "silent treatment" over an actual rage, but my bf and I are thinking of living together, and we want to make sure she has a place to stay that feels at "home" if she's not yet ready to move out. We have suggested family therapy, but she refuses. We don't want to live together until some kind of harmony can be established, and the needs of ALL our children can be met in a safe environment.

SD14 is inactive, frustrated, moody (granted, all teenagers are), and completely unmotivated in school or anything else unless we step in, then she's on top of things, BUT ... .her level of emotional maturity is exceptional, closer to that of a 25 year old, in fact. She is open to therapy and needs some prodding before talking about her feelings, but is still trapped in the mindset that "if only mom could get better, everything will be alright." Her need for validation from her mother is extreme, and she wants to take an active role in helping her mother get better. She has accepted me as her dad's gf and seems fine with the idea of our relationship evolving (even to the point of marriage). We have a good "give and take" and laugh together. She is interested in my life and my little one, but still feels trapped in expressing her feelings (for instance, when the 2 year old is getting on her nerves, she feels it's "mean" to be honest about such understandable, expected emotions). She is constantly afraid of appearing impolite, or "mean" due to her mother's condititioning. Even for things that are perfectly reasonable and expected at her age. She doesn't understand that no one expects her to shoulder annoying, frustrating, or difficult things on her own, in silence.

That's about it.

Any advice would be a big help. Thanks!

[HealingSpirit]

Hi MommaBear,

Of course you're welcome to post here!  How awesome you are that you are researching and wanting to learn tools & skills for the betterment of your new family!  It's great you and your BF both recognize that your potential family will likely need some support to help everyone heal from the BPD mom/ex.

To answer your question about what to look for, it manifests differently in every child.  But I'll tell you some of what I saw in my DD17. (Recently dx with BPD after a severe cutting incident that sent her to a mental hospital for a 3-day hold.)  She is my only child, so like Rapt Reader, I didn't recognize her emotional sensitivity and intensity was unusual until she was older, (in our case, she was about 4).  She was highly sensitive from the time she was an infant.  I learned when DD was an infant that I could maybe manage the grocery store, the bank, and the post office or she would melt down and scream for the rest of the day.  We thought she had colic.  She was inconsolable.

When she was about 2, she had strange, 2-hour tantrums after family gatherings, Chuck E Cheese, birthday parties and other exciting, fun events.  During these tantrums, she would scream at me to "Get out!" but the moment I stepped out her door, she'd come running after me to "Come back!"  So, I'd go back in and try to sit down and help her calm down, only to be told to "GET OUT!" again.  This went on and on with me literally standing in her doorway, taking one step in, and one step out.  It was baffling!  I would sometimes go to my room across the hall, only to hear her pulling everything off her shelves, dumping her toy box, and stripping her bed.  But every time I went to sit with her and try to comfort her so she could calm down, she pushed me away. These tantrums continued for years. (As a teenager, she still does this "go away, come back" thing, only now, I'm supposed to mind-read when she wants me to come back.)

When DD was 4, I wondered when the "terrible twos" were supposed to end, so I got online to research.  That information didn't seem to be in any of the parenting or child development books I had read.  I was also sure she had AD/HD by this time because she was far "busier" and more active than any of her peers, even the boys.  I discovered a message board for "Parents of Spirited Children."  There is a book by the same name that I discovered there and I cannot recommend it highly enough!  The author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, also wrote "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles."  It is incredibly validating for anyone whose child doesn't respond to well-meaning "normal" parenting advice. She discusses research about various inborn temperamental traits and offers helpful ways to deal with the issues that arise from those traits.  Emotional and physical sensitivity, Intensity, and Persistence are 3 of the traits I recall off the top of my head.  She called the tantrum I described above as a "spill over tantrum" due to DD becoming overstimulated.  The light bulb came on.  I learned the trick in dealing with it was to take measures to avoid DD becoming overstimulated.  Kurcinka's books changed my parenting paradigm.  Do yourself a favor and order yourself a copy. 

As for your BF's DDs, it strikes me that they are both grieving, big time.  Grieving the divorce, grieving how ill their mother is, grieving the changes, grieving the loss of the lives they didn't get, etc.  It's great that the 14yo is open to therapy and support.  In time, maybe the 19yo will be too.  I agree with Rapt Reader that the Tools and Lessons on the right of this board are extremely helpful, not just for BPD, but for dealing with everyone.  Validation is so simple in concept, yet the results of doing it are profound.  I know you'll find a lot of help from those links alone.  I think it's wonderful of you to show such earnest desire to be supportive to all of them.  You've got a lot of challenges ahead of you, since your BF's ex has BPD.  But I think you're on the road for success.    

Have you or your BF given the girls any information about BPD for them to understand their mother's illness better?

[Elbry]

Anytime anyone described my DD15 they always would talk about how sensitive she was.  Super sensitive and highly emotional her whole life.  Lot's of crying and becoming extremely upset over what other people would think was little things.  My older 2 daughters always got angry at me for "babying" her, there is a 5 and 6 yr age gap between them, and they would very quickly lose patience with her meltdowns.  Any little thing would send her over the edge into a full blown meltdown with hysteria and crying and panic attacks. Things got blown out of proportion so badly!  We have been walking on eggshells around this girl for many years to avoid these hysterical meltdowns, it's just now we do it to avoid cutting and suicide attempts.

She was also was painfully shy.  The pediatrician never heard her talk and at her 4 yr check up they were concerned and were about to send her to a specialist.  Instead, the Dr. went and stood outside the door and as soon as she left the room, DD started chattering up a storm to me.   So the Dr. came back in laughing and said she wasn't worried anymore, DD was just shy. 

Very clingy to me.  Again, my other girls constantly accused me of babying her, and I have to admit I did.  When puberty hit, at age 12, the emotional outbursts and mood swings got even worse.  It was confusing to me because I was concerned but I didn't know if it was just hormones making her worse.  Then, when she was 13 the cutting started and it's been downhill from there.