Finally. It's over.

[Vinnie]

Just finished 4.5 hours with our lawyers in a mandatory settlement conference (last step before going to trial).  Much to my relief, WE SETTLED.  Divorce effective date is today.

I agreed to give her 100% of our IRA plus a lump payment, in exchange for no more spousal support and for dropping sanctions.

The sanctions were the financial penalties I faced from spousal disclosure laws that I had never heard of. Apparently in my state, if you take care of investments or run a business, you had better explicitly and contemporaneously disclose your actions, even is your spouse doesn't care to hear it.

Her lawyer made a big deal that the corporations and LLCs I used for business deals were in my name only. I had believed that in a community property state, both spouses owned everything equally, so it didn't matter. I always paid really good attorneys and professional advisors to help me run my affairs over the years, and none of them had ever brought up the fact that she should be named an officer or stakeholder of these entities.

I did as a practice share with her as much as possible what I was doing, but not everything got shared. Apart from her not being that interested in hearing what I was doing day-to-day, the problem was that she was so often at a mental breaking point with depression, anxiety, and the chaos that she constantly created in her world. (I often wished I had a partner that could help me shoulder the burden and process the decisions I was facing, but she was neither willing nor able to be that kind of partner.) Yet none of that mattered. According to the laws of California I was culpable of breach of a fiduciary duty of disclosure... .to where when some of the deals went south, I was liable for the losses.

My attorney even said that if you want to give a gift over $500, you have to get your spouse's agreement in writing. A "gift" would include donations to charity.

The point is, I learned that you need to conduct your financial affairs in marriage with the same fiduciary care as in a business partnership.  Acting in good faith and with a prudent standard of care isn't sufficient. Full disclosure is also required.

The only thing that saved me is that she overplayed her hand. Her lawyer had held up as examples two of my business activities that she claimed she wasn't aware of. So I got hold of a couple of former employees who said they were willing to testify that she was well aware of what was going on. I think her attorney realized at that point that she capable of lying, but not capable of lying smart.

A huge thank you to so many on these boards who gave me advice and encouragement facing this fight, and last year's custody battles.

Vinnie

[livednlearned]

What a relief, Vinnie. Thanks for coming back to the boards to let us know -- I was wondering how things were going with you.

It has to hurt to say good-bye to 100% of your IRA, but in BPD divorces, not being tied to ongoing payments with a difficult ex spouse is huge. I'm also glad you didn't have to lawyer up for the battle over the other issues. Even in the best-case scenario, it's such an emotional strain to deal with a high-conflict divorce in court.

What happens next? Sometimes when there are terms of compliance, things get dragged out, even when it's to your exBPD spouse's detriment. But it sounds like she is not expected to comply with anything?

[ForeverDad]

Be 100% sure that the money gets paid over directly into HER retirement account, don't just cut a check, hand it to her and expect her to deposit it properly on her own volition.  If she gets a check form you or your account and doesn't put it in her retirement account then it would be a disbursement and you would be liable to pay the taxes!  But if the money goes from your retirement account directly to her retirement account - and you can ensure that it doesn't get diverted to cash or to some other type of account - then whatever she removes thereafter is HER tax problem and not yours.

In the USA - at least for 401(k) accounts, not sure about IRAs - it usually takes a very detailed Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) approved by the court to authorize this transaction.