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Author Topic: What was the worst/nastiest thing your ex said?  (Read 5075 times)
Blimblam
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« Reply #60 on: July 25, 2014, 07:39:05 AM »

I must be blind or just not intelligent enough to have seen the covert abuse. These things you are all relaying are awful. I would not say them to my worst enemy and BPD or not I can't imagine my ex saying them to me either. Yes she was hot/cold and emotionally abusive that way. Yes she abandoned me without remorse and was back with her ex the next day. Yes she gave me silent treatment. But after gathering intel from mutual friends, even they say she hasn't said a single negative thing about me in the aftermath. I know for a fact I was painted black but... .I guess she couldn't bring herself to bad mouth me? I don't understand that. Everything I've read has led me to believe she'd tear me to pieces without mercy but so far it hasn't happened. I still have her family on Facebook, siblings, cousins and the few friends she has amidst her many acquaintances. They haven't blocked me or deleted me yet.

Do I have a "nice" ex with BPD? The posts I'm reading here are awful... .verbal abuse that could destroy a person.

Maybe she was just more covert. I do remember the little smirks and the twinkle in her eye when she did something hurtful, almost saying, "Oh... .poor thing, did that hurt... .? Good!"

Lost ghost my ex

Picked and chose who she would smear me to. To her family she kept me in so so light because she probably wanted to get back with me in the future and saw me as the guy she could marry.   

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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #61 on: July 25, 2014, 08:01:50 AM »

I must be blind or just not intelligent enough to have seen the covert abuse. These things you are all relaying are awful. I would not say them to my worst enemy and BPD or not I can't imagine my ex saying them to me either. Yes she was hot/cold and emotionally abusive that way. Yes she abandoned me without remorse and was back with her ex the next day. Yes she gave me silent treatment. But after gathering intel from mutual friends, even they say she hasn't said a single negative thing about me in the aftermath. I know for a fact I was painted black but... .I guess she couldn't bring herself to bad mouth me? I don't understand that. Everything I've read has led me to believe she'd tear me to pieces without mercy but so far it hasn't happened. I still have her family on Facebook, siblings, cousins and the few friends she has amidst her many acquaintances. They haven't blocked me or deleted me yet.

Do I have a "nice" ex with BPD? The posts I'm reading here are awful... .verbal abuse that could destroy a person.

Maybe she was just more covert. I do remember the little smirks and the twinkle in her eye when she did something hurtful, almost saying, "Oh... .poor thing, did that hurt... .? Good!"

Lost ghost my ex

Picked and chose who she would smear me to. To her family she kept me in so so light because she probably wanted to get back with me in the future and saw me as the guy she could marry.   

Originally I felt this thread may induce triggering but I have found reading through our comments that it has provided immense desensitization.  I hope others here are gaining that same positive as we see these behaviors are definitively part of a disorder and not deserved or earned.

Has your experiences helped anyone to reconstruct boundaries?  It has been a true positive end result for me.  I had to do a few things and still work daily at this.

1) a good look at my core issues which caused me to stay in the BPD tango.  We all have a reason. They likely will have some commonality but vary too.  Im a caregiver. A very good thing but bad thing if boundaries are forgotten.  Was so easy for me to fall for my ex in that nature alone. Add on the incredible seduction etc. Bliss.  I had no idea about BPD. Doesnt excuse why I ignored the red flags.  But now I know better.  And I do better.   

We were gas lighted during idealization.  This enhanced that traumatic bonding where by we became emotional hostages.  We behaved just like hostages adapting our behaviors and losing our minds to get our emotional terrorist back to treating us well. 

Being NC was so incredibly difficult during the abandonment and subsequent trauma. The confusion. The physical debilitation.  With time and work being NC has given me back my life. .  . 

When I sense any devaluation or red flags in potential partners now. I walk. No second chances. Its a wonderful gift to have confidence back. My boundaries. My self love getting stronger everyday.  And when you put that boundary up going forward, wait and see how much respect you get in return.  It happens. You will never go backward again.   

Keep on growing my friends and learning and loving yourself.  Better days ARE ahead. I got there!

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Ihope2
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« Reply #62 on: July 25, 2014, 08:26:16 AM »

"I am bored of this, I am bored of sitting in your house all day, I hate where you live, I hate this town, I hate your suburb, I hate the weather here. I am just living here for you."

"You should have married an old man.  I think you just want to play doctor/psychologist with me.  You are not interested in me as a person, I am just a patient to you. You should rather have married some feeble old man to look after and play nurse to."

"I am like an expensive pet to you, just like your cats, just more expensive."

"You are selfish and obsessed with money."

"You don't enjoy sex with me, just admit it, I am not the man of your dreams."

"I know you are probably seeing someone else." (He became paranoid and suspicious that I was having an affair or fancying someone else - Lord knows when he thought I was carrying on behind his back, as I was at work 8hrs a day 5 days a week and the rest of the time, I was at home with him. But then over weekends, he would take off with my car and I would be left alone at home the whole day.)

At the end of the marriage, he openly threatened suicide:  "That bullet that goes through my brain will have your name written on it."

So many twisted, distorted, unbelievably hurtful things that are said to us.  It hurts so much when it is said, but we must let it go... .take it from whence it is coming, from a very disordered individual.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #63 on: July 25, 2014, 08:32:24 AM »

Oh, I forgot a good one.

I was told repeatedly that I'm "shady".  I'm a "schemer."  I'm "vindictive."

Hmm... .and this is while she constantly has a black-list a hundred miles long of people she hates and cuts off.  And this is while she went months and months painting false stories about a guy she was humping behind my back, gaslighting me, telling me and everyone else he was "gay".  And I'm a schemer?

I know what she is referring to... .how I filed for divorce behind her back a few times and wanted to take the kids away.  Could it possibly be that I did that because I knew I was dealing with a person who is not rational and doesn't see or own up to the damage she does?  Hmm... . Nope, couldn't possibly be that.  I'm just a mean schemer.
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Overbeck
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« Reply #64 on: July 25, 2014, 08:38:20 AM »

I've been thinking about this thread all week. So many awful texting and verbal tirades I endured.

But if I'm really honest with myself than I'd say the worst thing she ever said to me was, "I love you."
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #65 on: July 25, 2014, 08:46:20 AM »

I agree with Overbeck.  It's the combination of positive with negative that is the most mind-destroying.  The negative things are just to tear us down, to ruin our self-image, to make us pliable in their hands.  But it is the positive things that make us stay.  I had a memory last night while in bed trying to sleep.  I remembered the last time we "held toes."  She would come up behind me in bed (at least... .when we actually slept in the same bed), and cuddle and put her feet behind mine.  I would curl my toes over hers.  It was one of our sweet things.  And I remember the last time we did that was while we were breaking up from our final recycle.  She knew I was really tired, and I was sleeping on a terrible mattress in the office, and she did something sweet.  I was extremely cautious and untrusting (for good reason), but she walked me into the bedroom and laid me down in the bed, covered me up, and then snuggled me and we held toes.  We both cried.  Anyway, last night I remembered how that was the last time that happened and would ever happen.  And I cried.  It hurts to remember that.  The worst thing they could ever do to us is keep us with their own dysfunctional and childish kind of love.
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Feralnerd

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« Reply #66 on: July 25, 2014, 09:08:37 AM »

I initially had mixed feelings about what this thread might be, since I've noticed that the more I rehearse the hateful things she said to me, the more I find myself wallowing in self pity. But I stand corrected, this has been incredibly validating to see what are almost leitmotifs replayed in other people's relationships.

So here's my contribution:

"You are a perpetual disappointment. Every grand gesture you attempt falls flat on its face and ends up disappointing me even more."

"You aren't creative. You just want to associate yourself with creative people because you wish you could be like them."

"You aren't as strong as you think you are."

All of those were designed not just to hurt, but to strike at my most vulnerable places. My crime? Not being the idealized version of me she projected on to me.

But by far the most damaging thing she ever said was "I love you so so soo much."
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Bulgakov
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« Reply #67 on: July 25, 2014, 09:49:03 AM »

Referring to a situation where I had admittedly finally lost it and got pretty immature (just wanted to preface that to be fair), she said: "You wouldn't shut the ___ up so I had to pop you."

At her birthday a couple years ago, probably when I finally gave up and resigned myself to just being tortured until I could get out, she spit in my face several times while hitting me. But what hurts the most is that lately when I say why I'm so upset and why I can't just start over and try to make things work is that she just says, "we weren't together." But we were. That is how she treated me, as if we were together. She retroactively has decided that we just weren't together during situations that she won't talk about. She can't understand why I want the truth about our entire relationship, which is sounding more and more like it is based on lies.
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free-n-clear
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« Reply #68 on: July 25, 2014, 10:25:04 AM »

So, while it was the most hurtful thing he had ever done to me, it kind of set me free at the same time.

   Same here. The most deliberately hurtful thing my uBPDxgf did was gleefully rub my face in the fact that she was screwing my (then)best mate. But it was also the best thing she ever did for me, because that was when she used up the very last of her one-last-chances.
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Caramel
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« Reply #69 on: July 25, 2014, 10:42:53 AM »

"That's it. I'm done."

"Try. Is that the best you can try?"

"You are so annoying."

"You are so deceitful. I wonder what your true intentions are."

"Your comments are so immature."

"You are a bad person. You have no friends. You are going to end up being very lonely."

"You don't even understand what your mistakes are."

"Yes,yes. You always have good intentions. Keep justifying yourself."

"I am just one of your many options. You are playing with me. You are a cheat. Who is your next victim?"

"Write an email to your poor ex. Confess to him who you truly are."

"Yes. Cry. I know all your moves. I know your games."

"I called you a "piece of garbage". You turn me into this bad person. You are infecting me."

"You are selfish."

"You don't love me. What have you done for me?"

"Everything with my ex went so smoothly. This is really the worst relationship I have ever had."

"I don't know what's wrong with you. I have never experienced so much difficulty with anyone in the past."

"I have no patience for this."

"If only you were a bit normal."









"You are a bad person. You have no friends. Try to change yourself. You are going to end up being very lonely."

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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #70 on: July 25, 2014, 10:44:30 AM »

Another one... .

"It's not my fault you have no friends."

I wonder though.  Was that her projecting the fact that she KNOWS that she has no real friends, or was it her tacit admission of guilt that she knows she manipulated and isolated me with her abusive behavior?
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thereishope
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« Reply #71 on: July 25, 2014, 10:56:23 AM »

"That's it. I'm done."

"Try. Is that the best you can try?"

"You are so annoying."

"You are so deceitful. I wonder what your true intentions are."

"Your comments are so immature."

"You are a bad person. You have no friends. You are going to end up being very lonely."

"You don't even understand what your mistakes are."

"Yes,yes. You always have good intentions. Keep justifying yourself."

"I am just one of your many options. You are playing with me. You are a cheat. Who is your next victim?"

"Write an email to your poor ex. Confess to him who you truly are."

"Yes. Cry. I know all your moves. I know your games."

"I called you a "piece of garbage". You turn me into this bad person. You are infecting me."

"You are selfish."

"You don't love me. What have you done for me?"

"Everything with my ex went so smoothly. This is really the worst relationship I have ever had."

"I don't know what's wrong with you. I have never experienced so much difficulty with anyone in the past."

"I have no patience for this."

"If only you were a bit normal."









"You are a bad person. You have no friends. Try to change yourself. You are going to end up being very lonely."

Once again, I could have written many of these myself.  Amazing we take this stuff... .
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TomFrippery

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« Reply #72 on: July 25, 2014, 11:38:57 AM »

During months of no sexual (actually, no physical contact), whenever I'd make a move, or even mention sex, she'd berate me for being a sex addict.  Informed me that I was being creepy whenever I made eye contact or brushed against another woman.  Then, I did a grand date night up right - we had sex for the first time in almost a year.  It was wonderful - fell asleep curled up in each other's arms.

The next morning, I awoke to find her sobbing in the bathroom.  When I asked her what was wrong, she informed me that she was just so disappointed in me that I would rape her like I had the night before.



Frequently, when I'd share an opinion about some change I'd like to make in our kids' lives, she'd open the fight by starting to cry.  When I asked what was wrong, she'd say she was just so disappointed in me - that she was horrified to learn that I was the kind of person who would put our kid's lives at risk.  For instance, suggesting that our son was ready to leave the high chair he barely fit in was 'me being willing to see him fall from the table, hit his head on the corner, and die.'

When I protested that wasn't what I was saying, she'd follow up with 'I can't believe you'd rather win an argument with me then back down and admit I'm right, even if it means letting our children die.  I thought you were a better man than that - I now know I was wrong.'



Yeah, I've still got some untangling to do, but I'm free and wise now.
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Feralnerd

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« Reply #73 on: July 25, 2014, 11:47:58 AM »

"Everything with my ex went so smoothly. This is really the worst relationship I have ever had."

"I don't know what's wrong with you. I have never experienced so much difficulty with anyone in the past."

Oh, that's a familiar statement and as I later learned, the hallmark of an abuser. My uBPDexgf used to gaslight me with these. She'd create drama and try to sabotage the relationship, then expect me to save it, then at some later point blame me for the chaos and count is as a blemish on my record. Apparently it is very common for abusers to take the stance of "look what you made me do" and blame you for their destructive actions. Every human being is responsible for their own actions, no one ever MAKES us do terrible things.

I promise you, she wasn't cured with whoever came before you, and wasn't cured with whoever came after you.
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MommaBear
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« Reply #74 on: July 25, 2014, 12:16:18 PM »

"That's it. I'm done."

"Try. Is that the best you can try?"

"You are so annoying."

"You are so deceitful. I wonder what your true intentions are."

"Your comments are so immature."

"You are a bad person. You have no friends. You are going to end up being very lonely."

"You don't even understand what your mistakes are."

"Yes,yes. You always have good intentions. Keep justifying yourself."

"I am just one of your many options. You are playing with me. You are a cheat. Who is your next victim?"

"Write an email to your poor ex. Confess to him who you truly are."

"Yes. Cry. I know all your moves. I know your games."

"I called you a "piece of garbage". You turn me into this bad person. You are infecting me."

"You are selfish."

"You don't love me. What have you done for me?"

"Everything with my ex went so smoothly. This is really the worst relationship I have ever had."

"I don't know what's wrong with you. I have never experienced so much difficulty with anyone in the past."

"I have no patience for this."

"If only you were a bit normal."









"You are a bad person. You have no friends. Try to change yourself. You are going to end up being very lonely."

Once again, I could have written many of these myself.  Amazing we take this stuff... .

Holy batman. Did we all marry the same guy?
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Mutt
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« Reply #75 on: July 25, 2014, 12:21:15 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to start a new thread if you'd like.
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