Does my BPDw want a relationship or not?

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw savors those times in which she can be by herself a lot. She does work, but on a part-time basis. When she isn't working, she prefers to be focusing on herself. Granted, she does cook our dinners, but other than family get-togethers which are far and few between, this is a far cry from the loving woman who said that she was the best thing for me. It was like a sales pitch that really went sour.

She wants her space, and I give her her space. If I become frustrated and express that we need SOME time together like taking day trips which she enjoys, then, she says she needs to study.

If I were to behave the way she is, she would be the first person to complain that I would not have been giving her attention.

Right now, after having virtually the whole day by herself, she is walking around the lake by herself. Then, she will come home, shower, say good night, study in her room again, and go to sleep.

Yeah, I am doing things for myself which a lot of you folks have suggested under the circumstances, but does my BPDw want a relationship or not? I sure do, but I wonder if she does.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ziniztar]

Samuel, I hear you. I've got the same issue with my dBPDbf. We live in different cities and with different work schedules so seeing each other and spending quality time can be a challenge. There are times when I feel I'm the only one "arranging" that quality time. He won't commit to an always-free-day-of-the-week where we'll always be together. We have to take it week by week and see what is possible.

What I'm slowly learning (and he is now realizing as well) is that it's not that he does not want to be with me. In these times, he's experiencing a push cycle and he feels engulfed. Often that sets him into a depressed, frustrated, anxious state of realizing that he doesn't want to be with me and not knowing what to do. Should he break up with me? He mentioned: "There are time when I really utterly hate you, and times when I feel like I want to propose. I feel so confused all the time." He has no idea what to do with his negative emotions as he has learned he can't always trust them or that acting upon them has left him heartbroken at a later stage.

In the past he has broken up with girls around this time (we're together for allmost a year now). What he's struggeling with right now is the awareness of the self-centeredness. He literally said: "I don't even WANT to take you into account when planning my work schedules. I don't WANT to soothe you when you feel lonely because I think you're overreacting. I don't even WANT to go home early from a night out because your feet hurt. How can I be a good boyfriend to you if I am so selfish? I should not be in relationships."

I notice there is a big difference when he's in a pull or push cycle. In a pull, he wants to spend time with me and I am happy. If he's in a push, he doesn't want to spend a lot of time as he is avoiding the possible negative emotions he's feeling when we're together. It's always a downwards spiral as I don't always react in a positive way when he's acting like an ass. My response makes his existing negative emotions even more serious. So, not spending time together = avoiding his feelings of engulfment & preventing them to get worse. We're slowly learning him to speak up when he feels this way - to use his words and say: "I need to have a little space right now." Which is difficult for me as I have severe abandonment issues. Depending on other parts of my life (work, health, house, friends & family) that can set me into an anxious PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME state.

One reason for me to start looking into Radical Acceptance is that our push cycles don't turn into messy negative whilrwinds. Even when he's feeling bad, I don't want him to shut himself from me. He has to know it won't get worse when we're together - meaning I will have to put up with a lot of crappy comments and not "loose it".

Is your wife in therapy?

[Samuel S.]

Ziniztar, thank you for your reply. Yeah, they either want us, or they don't want us. It's all depends on their moods, and we just so happen to be there based on their mood of the day.

To answer your question about the therapy, yes, my BPDw has had all kinds of traditional and non-traditional therapies. Some have been good, and some have been so-so. She now has a "medium-counselor" for the last 10 years. While my BPDw has made progress professionally on account of being motivated by this "medium-counselor", she truly has not made any major changes in terms of her moods or her attitude. She considers herself "a work in progress".

BTW, my BPDw's mother physically and verbally abused my BPDw. About 6 years ago, her mother went through some chemo for colon cancer and stopped it due to the side effects. Recently, she was in the hospital again, but it was due to an obstruction in her colon. My BPDw was all negative on her, saying that she is getting what she deserves. UGH!

Also, BTW, this last week, her "medium-counselor" was in the hospital due to a hernia. She is extremely overweight. Also, and here's the kicker, she had an ulcer! An ulcer! She's now resting at home.

When my BPDw found out about this which led to the cancellation of a workshop by this "medium-counselor", she laughed and said that she was going to kid her about that. She also said: "At least, they took care of the problems." HUH?

Hello! Both of these women were in the hospital. My BPDw definitely has different standards based on two people. Yet, she wants all the attention in the world if she has an ache or a pain. UGH!

[123Phoebe]

Yeah, I am doing things for myself which a lot of you folks have suggested under the circumstances, but does my BPDw want a relationship or not? I sure do, but I wonder if she does.

Samuel, as hard as it is to accept... .  this is your relationship.  Right here, right now, this is it.  For whatever reason, it's working for her.

The beauty of this is that once it's accepted (not wishing or hoping, but accepting reality), you can move it forward.  Whatever that may look like  

[Samuel S.]

So, you are saying to accept her behavior as it is. Frankly, I have no other choice; yet, there is something you need to be aware of. When my BPDw and I were first married, she started her convincing of me that my 2 daughters do not love me, because they have not paid attention to me. BTW, they have their own lives, but the times we have are great! Guess what? My BPDw is now doing what she thought my 2 daughters were doing. Thus, she is a conniving hypocrite.

[123Phoebe]

So, you are saying to accept her behavior as it is. Frankly, I have no other choice; yet, there is something you need to be aware of. When my BPDw and I were first married, she started her convincing of me that my 2 daughters do not love me, because they have not paid attention to me. BTW, they have their own lives, but the times we have are great! Guess what? My BPDw is now doing what she thought my 2 daughters were doing. Thus, she is a conniving hypocrite.

Oh Samuel, it can certainly suck focusing on the injustices of life; there are lots of them

Do you want a relationship with a conniving hypocrite?

[empathic]

So, you are saying to accept her behavior as it is. Frankly, I have no other choice; yet, there is something you need to be aware of. When my BPDw and I were first married, she started her convincing of me that my 2 daughters do not love me, because they have not paid attention to me. BTW, they have their own lives, but the times we have are great! Guess what? My BPDw is now doing what she thought my 2 daughters were doing. Thus, she is a conniving hypocrite.

I can feel your frustration with this. This type of consistency and fairness is something that went out the window a long time ago with my wife. I don't think she learnt the concept growing up, so she might not be aware of the injustice. My wife uses fairness more as a tool to get what she wants. I could give many examples of this.

Eventhough I now realize that this is what my wife is and will be like, it's still hard to accept giving up key concepts that I've learnt growing up.

[tiredandbroken]

Samuel S. I feel your pain. My wife and I have been together for 12 yrs. In classic BPD form, the first part of our relationship was AMAZING! She was the woman of my dreams! After our son was born (11 yrs old) she became a different person. At first it was diagnosed as severe post partum depression (she had been treated for depression for a number of years) and for a long time her meds were continually 'tweaked'... .which did help some. This was the time that the 'abandonment' started. I'm an INTJ personality type so I do need time to myself... .especially when work is very stressful... .but my BPDw spends a great deal of time completely ignoring me. She has a cycle of quitting a job... .hibernating for months... .constantly complaining that she has to do EVERYTHING (while she lays in bed or on the sofa in her pj's all day)... .and then complains that I don't love her because I'm never home (because I'm working extra jobs to compensate for her lack of income and making sure our son gets to his sports/school activities, etc). She 'demands' that I spend every available moment at home but seemingly wants nothing to do with me when I am at home. She doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. It seems as if she just wants her family at home so that she can effectively ignore us and complain to us about how much she does and how little we do... .and what little we actually do to help her is never done 'correctly'.

I feel like the doll that's been thrown over in the corner and forgotten until she perceives that another person (whether it's an actual person, work, activities, whatever) takes an interest in it and then she snatches the doll and throws a "that's mine" temper tantrum. In my case, when she hibernates, she expects everyone in the family to hibernate with her... .and ignores us at the same time. It's the paradox of the situation that drives me CRAZY! There is no reasoning with her... .reality is however she sees it... .even in the face of hard evidence.

I'm sorry... .I have no advice. I simply want you to know that you're not alone.

[thereishope]

Yeah, I am doing things for myself which a lot of you folks have suggested under the circumstances, but does my BPDw want a relationship or not? I sure do, but I wonder if she does.

Samuel, as hard as it is to accept... .  this is your relationship.  Right here, right now, this is it.  For whatever reason, it's working for her.

The beauty of this is that once it's accepted (not wishing or hoping, but accepting reality), you can move it forward.  Whatever that may look like  

I like this summary.  It really is the truth. I find myself in the same place. Although it feels confusing and somewhat hopeless trying to decide what I want to do,  it if also freeing and empowering knowing the ball is ultimately in my court because I can decide for myself what is going to be best for me and my kids in the long run.

[aeron]

I hear ya, Samuel and everyone. I am currently struggling with very similar issues concerning my upwBPD and his ambiguous feelings towards me. Similar to Zinzitar, my husband and I are living in separate cities. I accepted a one-month summer teaching assignment out of state to help strengthen our financial situation as we're purchasing a home.

Every night, we either talked on the phone or video chatted via Google to spend time together. Things *seemed* to be fine and he was in a very good mood. Then, he suddenly did not want to talk to me throughout last week. It began when I texted, ":)o you want to chat tonight?" and he responded, "No. I'm good. Have a nice weekend." As if that doesn't already hurt me, he added insult to injury by logging into a hookup app and talking with other men. Then he vehemently denied ever doing so.

Clearly, it is a push/pull or love/hate dynamic at work with our pwBPD. I would add that sometimes (at least in my experience) it is an issue of power and control. Our significant others realize that we crave love, affection, respect and attention. Therefore, they give and take it away to remain in control of our feelings and avoid possible emotional trauma. Or as my therapist says, an individual with BPD is like the eye of a hurricane. S/he stirs up chaos and emotions all around them because it's the only way they can feel calm.

While the silent treatment hurts me, the thing I cannot stand is the emotional infidelity that eventually occurs during those times within my relationship. I could "accept" the rejection and emotional turmoil, but the waves of him sexting and maybe even having affairs is too overwhelming (I say maybe because I'm not sure if he's having sex with these people or not). I'm still undecided, but considering a petition for divorce.

Unfortunately, I have been crying off and on all week about it. Really, I feel your pain. Going through it right now! Ugh.

[Samuel S.]

All of your replies are so awesome, so confirming, and so validating, that we all are involved in the push/pull, love/hate dynamic. It is as though they truly do not know what they want. They are confused. They have their issues. It is as though they are stuck in a child mode, thus acting out at different times while we nonBPDs are the adults, the parents, trying to make headway with them, trying figure them out, trying our best to validate them.

After my BPDw told me that she had been pretending all of her life including during our marriage, it has been extremely difficult for me to trust her, and I feel like a complete dumb klutz for being duped.

While my professional life is the only thing that keeps me sane, happy, and alive, my BPDw is like a chameleon, changing and not wanting to be close. Perhaps, that is the answer. They can't be close due to their issues, and we non BPDs took them as being the pure, loving people that they are truly not. They were pretending, but they played their acts very well to lure us in, and, slowly but surely they made their transitions to show their BPD colors, if you will.

I know I am rambling here, and I hope I am making sense. I suppose I am, but it frankly doesn't make it any easier to deal with my BPDw.

I guess what I am asking in an indirect way: how do you folks keep yourselves sane and feel that you can trust yourselves, not alone your BPDs? Frankly, it is difficult for me to do either one. Your thoughts?

[thereishope]

There is no reasoning with her... .reality is however she sees it... .even in the face of hard evidence.

Perfectly stated.  I know EXACTLY what you mean.  My husband seems to believe that whatever he is thinking is the reality of the moment, regardless of the completely sound, authentic, heartfelt truth I express to him in any situation.  His mind is right and that's that.  I've come to just go with the flow and try to validate his feelings in situations... .The only problem is I am not being allowed to even "be", or express what I FEEL.  I don't exist in his world (under the control of BPD)?  It certainly seems that way.

[Samuel S.]

Thereishope, I empathize with you completely! My BPDw feels she is right 100% of the time. To refute her or to give her another point of view is pointless, because the world supposedly revolves around her and nobody else. She doesn't even care what I do when she and I are at work while I do.

When our BPDs speak, we are obligated to listen and to validate. When we nonBPDs speak, they are too busy to listen or to validate. Like you say, we nonBPDs do not exist, but only to be supposedly controlled by them. We nonBPDs do have feelings, and we non BPDs do have the right to speak, but we almost become like babysitters for them.

All that we nonBPDs can do is to be listened to, validated, and respected by others outside our homes and on this website. We indeed are lonely in our homes in which we should feel totally comfortable and without being on guard for whatever chaos they wish to present. Indeed, even with all the stuff that can happen outside our homes, we can relax much more so outside than inside our own homes. Take care, my friend!

[123Phoebe]

Samuel, you absolutely have the right to speak.  There are tried and true ways to communicate with a pwBPD , a high-conflict person that can take the sting out of our words.  To bring us closer together.

It sounds like you're in a very negative emotional space and would like a little consideration from your wife.  Is there something else going on in your life that's weighing you down, other than what your wife is up to?


Are you in this marriage for the long haul?

[Samuel S.]

123Phoebe, there is nothing else going on in my life that's weighing me down, other than what my wife is up to. Like all of us, my life has gone through turmoils and uplifting times. I have gone through traditional and non-traditional therapies in order to become a much better person. In fact, I have the philosophy of where there's life, there's hope. I am also realistic that some people will take longer to improve, and some people will never change due whatever their circumstances are.

I do have a positive attitude that has helped me out personally, but especially professionally. That's why I find the ultimate pleasure by doing outside our home. This is my outlet for the situation that my BPDw has created.

To answer your second question, I am in this marriage for the long haul, hoping that seeing that she is alive, I can be hopeful that she finds peace in her heart.

I do get frustrated as you have seen from my posts, though. That's why so many nonBPDs come to this website in the first place, but also to find ways to cope better.

Yeah, I have the right to speak, but her issues and her need to be "the master of the world" if you will makes it extremely difficult to be considered as being heard, not alone me having the desire to speak, because she is indeed a person with high conflict. I listen, I validate, and I do this continuously while I do my best to speak. Yet, she is showing by her words and by her actions that she's incapable of at least listening.

[ziniztar]

I would add that sometimes (at least in my experience) it is an issue of power and control. Our significant others realize that we crave love, affection, respect and attention. Therefore, they give and take it away to remain in control of our feelings and avoid possible emotional trauma.

You already indicate sometimes and in my experience yet I don't see this amount of control. I'm not sure if it's controlling our feelings, as it is controlling their feelings. The cold shoulder can be a way of expressing their anger, feeling the other should get punished. Or it could be because they feel extremely sad, hurt, and are protecting themselves from you hurting them again. I know that my dBPDbf is avoiding to speak to me in these times because he feels extremely unworthy. If I get mad at him, he feels worse. If I am overly empahtic he feels inadequate as he knows he cannot give the same to me. (I'm just realizing right now I need to be completely neutral for him to not feel worse. Hah.)

Unfortunately, I have been crying off and on all week about it. Really, I feel your pain. Going through it right now! Ugh.

 

[ziniztar]

123Phoebe, there is nothing else going on in my life that's weighing me down, other than what my wife is up to.

To answer your second question, I am in this marriage for the long haul, hoping that seeing that she is alive, I can be hopeful that she finds peace in her heart.

In order to combine these two things...

you have to stop making her moods weigh you down.

The more you let her moods get to you, the bigger their impact the next time.

You're not responsible for her happiness, you're responsible for your own happiness. If that means staying in the relationship because you believe in people's ability to change and love her, that's fine. As with oxygen masks in an airplane: help yourself first, before you help others.

I'm going through this realisation now. I've noticed that thinking of myself when my dBPDbf is in a bad mood makes me feel anxious. Afraid. Of losing him, beacuse if I don't take care of him he won't stay. That of course is total and utter BS   ... .

Why do you think you are so affecteed by your wife's behaviour? What is it that gets you mad, feel afraid... .?

[KateCat]

I am in this marriage for the long haul . . .

Samuel, I wonder if you couldn't turn your professional teaching experience into an advocacy and mentoring role, possibly even on this forum.

There must be countless men of retirement age with younger, physically stronger wives whose mental health problems drive the wives to abusive behaviors. It must be very hard for these men to speak up, even anonymously. If any of these men should find their way to the "Staying" forum of this community today, they might feel that no one else is in their position. There is great practical advice and counsel here for men in their twenties, thirties, forties, and fifties. And sometimes too for seventy-year-old men with wives or partners who are of similar age.

If you're in it for the long haul, what does that look like to you in five years or ten years? How do you plan, for instance, for the possibility of hospital stays? (I think you have said that when you were in the hospital recently staff became concerned with your wife's behavior and your distressed reaction.) How do you make sure you are not subject to financial abuse? (You've written a bit about that as well.)

I keep forgetting if you are seeing a counselor on a regular basis. Maybe you could approach professional counseling sessions for yourself with the larger goal of taking what you learn and beginning to put it together into a handbook for other men in similar positions. The lessons on this forum are such a great start: validation, boundaries, self-care. Add to that practical advice for married elders and you've got a great subject, I think. Maybe even an AARP best-seller.

[aeron]

123Phoebe, there is nothing else going on in my life that's weighing me down, other than what my wife is up to.

To answer your second question, I am in this marriage for the long haul, hoping that seeing that she is alive, I can be hopeful that she finds peace in her heart.

You're not responsible for her happiness, you're responsible for your own happiness. If that means staying in the relationship because you believe in people's ability to change and love her, that's fine. As with oxygen masks in an airplane: help yourself first, before you help others. 

Samuel - In response to your questions about how we cope, I think Ziniztar's advice is very helpful. The other day I walked downtown in NYC and mumbled (yes actually to myself), "Why the heck are you so sad? You're in New York F***in city!"

It took me an hour or so to build the confidence, but I turned off my cell phone to avoid checking msgs from my pwBPD. Then I spent a few hours downtown by myself, shopping, having a nice meal and reading a book. It was magical. Yes, when I returned, he was full of questions and demanding answers. Claimed to be worried about me, was gonna call the hospitals, etc... .However I really didn't care this time!

I found an intrinsic source of happiness for MYSELF. So, do take time for yourself and recharge, even if it's once per month to read a book, grab a coffee or buy something inexpensive but valuable for yourself. I know that it doesn't always relieve the pain or frustration but believe it's certainly worth trying. 

[ziniztar]

It took me an hour or so to build the confidence, but I turned off my cell phone to avoid checking msgs from my pwBPD. Then I spent a few hours downtown by myself, shopping, having a nice meal and reading a book. It was magical. Yes, when I returned, he was full of questions and demanding answers. Claimed to be worried about me, was gonna call the hospitals, etc... .However I really didn't care this time!

I'm happy to read this. Keep this up  

What I realize myself is that in this behaviour, there is an expectation hidden from our side. We need them to be happy or else we don't feel good. There are these wise inspirational quotes on top of these boards, right? One of them is that people choose other people that match their own emotional maturity. Even though we might take a different path, we and our pwBPD's end up in the same place: with unrealistic expectations of the other.

So why is it that I don't feel good when he doesn't? Isn't that normal for couples? Perhaps. Is it healthy? No. Do you remember the feeling of someone constantly asking "Are you ok? What's wrong? Can I do something for you? Tell me, what is wrong?". It's suffocating. As are we, when they are not in a good mood and we spiral down with them.

What helps is to try to teach yourself not to let those mood swings bother you. Part of that is radical acceptance. Part of that is setting the right boundaries, e.g. "When my dBPDbf is in a bad depressed mood, I will pick up reading a book again as I used to do when I was a child." And part of it is to stop fighting the uncomfortable feelings we feel when they are not happy. Accept them for what they are - they have grown this way for a healthy reason when we were a child.

To me, it's getting more clear every day. My mother died young, and I was very scared to loose my father as well. He is a man that did not have any boundaries himself and shared too many stories about work, showed too much adult emotions towards me and deprived me of my own development because he needed companionship. If that did not match my needs - he did not care - he did not even ask. He blocked development of many healthy friendships when I was young because he was in a fight with that friends' parents. So I was taught to obey his needs, taught that if I did that he got happy, and would not leave me. I can get quite angry when I look at these things now I am an adult. Anger is good   .

I'm slowly learning to feel uncomfortable. I'm not ready to not feel it yet, but I'm learning that I am an adult and am no longer dependant on my dBPDbf for my own survival. I might have been dependant as a child, but I'm not anymore.

The End.  

[Samuel S.]

I really have appreciated everyone's feedback. Indeed, I do have a lot of free time away from my BPDw, such as going to movies, teaching, tutoring, and getting together with some of my friends that are close by. Also, just recently, I spent 3 days by myself over on the west coast, and that was really nice, because I felt really free and relaxed.

I wish I could say that I am totally free and independent of my BPDw's mood swings, and I know I am not dependent on her to be one way or another, because she owns her emotions, just as much as we all do. Yet, I am a teacher, perhaps too good of one, because I am a firm believer that I do not teach my subjects. I teach my students and do my best to be flexible with them as much as possible. They know I have high standards for them, but I listen to them. So, it is very much of a challenge for me to let go of being sensitive to how they are. I am not a push-over, and my students know that I care for their emotional and intellectual well-being.

I guess what I am trying to ask you folks is the following: how do I turn off being a sensitive and loving guy to my BPDw? I will never be a jerk, because that is not in my nature. I am doing my best to be sensitive and loving to myself, although she very rarely wishes to resume being the same sensitive and loving person who she was. Indeed, she admits she has gone from one extreme to the other.

Any thoughts on this matter will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[ziniztar]

I wish I could say that I am totally free and independent of my BPDw's mood swings, and I know I am not dependent on her to be one way or another, because she owns her emotions, just as much as we all do.

I don't think you should expect to be totally free and independant. I would definitely not want to be in a relationship like that! Do you? Yet there is a difference between independant, dependant, and having a healthy sense of ownership of your own emotions - and leaving the responsibility of her emotions, with her.

my students know that I care for their emotional and intellectual well-being.

This is good, never change that 

how do I turn off being a sensitive and loving guy to my BPDw? I will never be a jerk, because that is not in my nature. I am doing my best to be sensitive and loving to myself

Don't turn this off! That is not the point. Please read this:

If we accept responsibility for our borderline and handle their duties and responsibilities, we are essentially handling "their stuff" rather than our own. Permitting someone else to make decisions for us suggests that we are letting them define our life for us.  If there isn't a clear boundary line between your stuff<----//---->my stuff, defenses (such as withdrawal, sidetracking, blame, rationalization, and black-white thinking) become handy ways for both parties to avoid self-awareness and growth.

For more info on boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0

Does that help you at all? 

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw likes to put me on the defensive a lot, especially when it comes to money. Yesterday morning, she heard about an extremely abusive woman where we live who has become irate with her SO due to him not being employed. My BPDw said that she personally knows how that can happen when an SO doesn't help out enough. The inference was definitely designated to me, because I get a retirement pension, but I also teach, tutor, and write books, but it is never enough for her. BTW, I am forking out money for her education and for our D17 along with for our mortgage payment ever since we have gotten together, along with many other incidentals which she fails to mention, like long term care for the both of us.

Again with money, she came into my room this evening to say how high the credit card bill is. My portion was something out of my control for glasses that my optometrist thought I needed due a "significant" difference in my eyesight; however, most of the bill is due to our D17 who has many bills due to going to college in the fall.

I suggested that we take some money out of one of my accounts, but she then told me that she would prefer to work more to pay it off. Yet, she wishes to recycle this kind of talk whenever she gets the bill.

So, in both instances, while she was frustrated, knowing how she is, she was definitely trying to pick a fight which I refused to deal with. I validated her feelings, but she then continued talking as though I were the main culprit for the high bill. I even told her that I am not the reason why it is so terribly high, which she said: "I know". So, it was pure frustration that she was feeling.

It is no small wonder why I am on the defensive with her. Also, having had my own parents arguing so much of the time about money and about who was earning more money, I have learned not to do the same with my BPDw. It's not worth it!

More and more, I feel alone in this marriage, and the only pleasures I truly have is being out and about helping others, writing books, going to movies, and visiting with friends and relatives.

[123Phoebe]

It is no small wonder why I am on the defensive with her. Also, having had my own parents arguing so much of the time about money and about who was earning more money, I have learned not to do the same with my BPDw. It's not worth it!

This might be something worth exploring a little more... . 

We can change our own internal script

[Samuel S.]

123Phoebe, I am realistic and objective enough to know that my BPDw does make more money than I do. That's a given. In turn, I do my best to earn that much more above and beyond my retirement with teaching, tutoring, writing, and giving workshops in order to supply enough money for some of the basic things we all need along with the things I have already mentioned. So, I do not know how fruitful it is to explore this subject in any more detail. Also, she knows that I am doing my best, even though it is never enough for her. It is not just about money that she has done this, but she has done this with countless other things when she compares herself with me. I have tried talking with her about all of these things until I was blue in the face, and it still hasn't made any difference. So, she is the one who has to change her internal script, and she is not about to change anything, even though she puts on this big front about how she has changed and that she feels happier. Well, if that were the case, there wouldn't be any need for me to be on this website.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw discovered last night that there was a huge mistake made by a salesperson, thus creating a significant increase in the credit card bill. Thus, she knows I didn't make any big purchases. Besides, she admits that she nor I would do something like that. After rectifying this situation, she and I are relieved, but the emotional pain lingers within me. There was no apology by her to me about insinuating that I was the culprit, nor has she said anything about me making less money than she, nor has she even said that she appreciates my efforts for me to make more money. BTW, I always show my appreciation to her for everything she does, including helping by making a lot of money. I just wish she would stop jumping to conclusions due to her frustrations about life and her anger.

Yes, I know I need to work on boundaries. I do my best, but when she continues badgering like that, it is always push, push, push, when all I have ever given is love, validation, comfort.

[ziniztar]

Dear samuel,

It must be painful to keep repeating the same conversation over and over again. What is it exactly your wife says to you that you find irritating about this subject?

Have you ever read about the Karpman Drama Triangle on this site? I think it would be a helpful article and vision for you to read based on your last posts...