How Much Is My Fault?

[Grey Kitty]

Your summary of the situation:

so I sit her now baffled.  How am I the villian who does not care and does not value her?

Your own answer to your question:

It does not make any sense to me

My advice: Stop believing everything she says. Yes, believe she feels it and means it. But don't believe that it is true.

ESPECIALLY! Do not believe anything she says about what you are feeling.

Reason #1. (and most important) She is not experiencing your feelings and thoughts. You are. You, and only you are the one and only world-class expert on hurthusband's thoughts and feelings. Me, your wife, and everybody else on the planet are not even close to your league there!

Reason #2. Your wife has a mental disorder. One coping mechanism is to project her own feelings onto you. Because she cannot cope with them directly, she assigns them to you, then fights with you over them. If you want to read more about projection, try this link:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

[Mutt]

Mutt has some compassionate advice.

I want to urge you to make one boundary however: regarding driving. My brother has a permanent brain injury due to a drunk driver who blew less than a 2.1.

If the court system of Texas can help save your family from knowing what that is like, please let the courts do so.

I agree with KateCat. BPD or non-disordered. She is an adult and responsible for her actions. A boundary needs to be set with driving hurthusband.

[hurthusband]

I am beat... it is now anything i say period is an attack.  I do not mean it to be, but she says it is.  Im going insane.  At work again, and want to go back to sleep

She bought tickets to a movie the other day, i said not to because she wouldnt want to see it anyways, but I KNEW this would happen.  It happens every weekend... the 36 hours i get off are always filled with me being the cause of her pain and I just do not know...

I do not want to fight this anymore.  I do not want to divorce, I do not want to go throught he process of a divorce.  That is all assuming I am the sane one.  If not, I do not want to cause anymore pain.  Each day I the hole gets deeper and deeper.  IT will not completely swallow me though... it just is never ending torture.  This literally feels like I died and went to hell.

Should I move out if I am going to get a divorce or is that not legally advised?  Is there a way to get a faster divorce? 

I do not know... I know that when we have talked about it she wants basically 33% of my income for life and everything we have currently with me assuming all debt.  The for life part is the hard part.  Between taxes and interest payments on the debt she would be getting vastly more than me!

Nevermind the healing process which is a torture process.  Sometimes as much as it hurts... id rather she leave me for somebody else and be happy

[OutOfEgypt]

I don't think we can give you legal advice, really, though there is a board for divorce and custody issues.  :)o you have any children with her?  :)oes she have a job of any kind, or has she during your marriage?  How long have you been married?  These are the kinds of questions that come up.  :)ivorce laws vary from state to state and from country to country -not sure where you live.  So, it kinda depends, but in general a "quick" divorce is one where there is mutual agreement.  33% of your income for life is a bit ridiculous, unless you are both in your late 50's, you've been married for decades, and she's never worked or something like that.

Of course, if you really don't want to divorce you don't have to.  You can separate.  You can move out or ask her to move out.  There are lots of variations in between.  You can take time for yourself until you are in a better position to either move forward or end the relationship.  You are well within your rights to want that for yourself.  Self-care and time to get healthy is something anybody in a relationship is right to want and expect.  Of course, all of them will provoke a reaction from her, so -without being too blunt- it's time to start thinking about what you want while no longer weighing her reactions and walking on eggshells.

Do you have children?  How would you mentally handle it if you had a child that kept blaming you for everything?  Wouldn't you eventually detach from it instead of taking the blame like its yours and consider it an irrational tantrum?  Why not do the same here?  I'm not saying it is that easy -it isn't, not by a long shot.  But her blame tirades are essentially the same as a child's tantrum, sadly.

[KateCat]

I believe that you have no biological children with your wife and that you live in Texas . . . . You could be in a very strong position. (One fellow who posted here at length some time ago specifically moved to Texas to take advantage of laws favorable to divorcing men.)

Can you use your last ounce of strength to get to an attorney in your county for a consultation? You may walk out of her or his office a changed man.  

[hurthusband]

We been together 11 years.  married 3 years. she has 2 kids from previous men.  She has had off and on many jobs for first 6 years we were together and spent rest in college and cleaning houses on the side. currently cleaning on occasion.  Live in Texas.  Purchased house before we were married but were together.

Everything is in my name, so I am sure I am stuck with debt regardless.  Her credit is shot so everything had to go in my name.  She would not take steps to rebuild her credit and only would destroy it more behind my back.

problem is that I have no real right to children.  So, i can be extorted

[KateCat]

problem is that I have no real right to children.  So, i can be extorted

I'm not sure I understand this. Are you saying that you don't want to divorce at all because you fear losing your relationship to your step-children?

How old are the kids?

[Grey Kitty]

hh, take a step back and down here. Divorce/separation is a huge step, and there is a time for thinking about it.

I am beat... it is now anything i say period is an attack.  I do not mean it to be, but she says it is.  Im going insane.

Right now, look at what you can do about the immediate situation  you described--you cannot stop her from blaming you for everything. You can refuse to be subjected to those 'conversations' (which I'd call verbal abuse).

She does it because it gives her satisfaction or relief. (Which is at your expense) As long as you continue participating in it, she will keep on doing it.

Are you ready to change the pattern?

[hurthusband]

Yesterday went ok until nighttime when she started saying how unfair it was that she had to have a breathalizer because its embarrassing (nothing about all the fines but i guess cause thats my problem).  She starts getting upset saying what do I know about whats coming up and i explain that it was explained by my stepfather and the attorney wanted to see the documents to verify since its possible.  State of Texas sneaks in other penalties they do not tell you about.  You have the court agreements but then the DPS will hit you with a $2k a year fine each year for 3 years that they call a surcharge so when you agree to terms on a charge, you are not told about that.  She was upset my stepfather said anything but i went to him to get an attorney to get her out of jail since he has had to do that for his employees a few times

I just do not know what to say about her being upset about the penalty.  I mean its a serious matter.  The fact she did not learn a month earlier from wrecking her vehicle?  This is how penalties work.  She then started blaming the attorney.  I have not heard of ANYONE get a DWI and not have a breathalizer for a bit.  She will have 9 months.  She thought 90 days when she signed the paper, but I do not know... I did not argue with her that its her fault or that she has to deal with it.  I just validated that it is hard and I am sorry she has to go through it.

When she started on my fault and cause of attorney i did say that we had 2 months to change attorneys and I had encouraged that from the day she got out.  She went in on how she feels trapped and no control, and that I have control cause I make the money, and how her therapist says she needs to be more independent.  I agree with all of that wholeheartedly.  I want her to be more independent.  The problem is SHE will not handle things to become more independent.  If she does not try and get a job, or handle things that need to be done, I have to which results in her feeling more inferior.  I am not telling her those things I never will

It really seems that how she sees herself what she is projected onto me saying.  Now she saying do not get her flowers or small gifts cause they are meaningless...   ugh

[beachtalks]

Hey hurt husband,

First off, my heart hurts for you.  Abusive persons tend to create what is clinically called "crazy making," which is one of the worst parts of being abused, because it creates self-doubt, and often enough that you become stuck in the relationship, unsure as to what the reality of it is.  You are not going to get arrested for slamming a door. 

People often go nuts when you threaten to leave them.  My soon to be ex-BPDhusband threatened divorce every day towards the end of our time together  and I did feel often like I wanted to die.  I've apologized for three years and all I get is the message that my apologies mean nothing to him, that they are just vacant words.  I've now completed my penance with him ( ) and am in some ways excited for our divorce to go through because I want all of this confusion, abuse, and meanness behind me.  So I do really relate to your situation.  I can say that after spending the last year apart, with only 2 or 3 rendezvous where we got a hotel room and had sex and then ended up fighting and re-breaking up within 24 hours, I can go a day without wishing we were together.  He is no longer the center of my universe; God is.  I have also found that my ex is not the only crazy-making person out there.  Crazy people are all over the place, and I have to be very careful with boundaries.  I love my freedom.  I am training to help victims of domestic violence right now, and something that is helpful to remember is that abusive behavior is a CHOICE the abuser makes in effort to control another.  They CAN help it.  Another fact that has helped me is looking at the life of Jesus and seeing how he treated others.  He released people from bondage, he didn't create it.  If God gives us this liberty, shouldn't our measly imperfect spouses?   

[FoolishMan]

BPD wife wants to leave me.  Wants me out of her life.  Has said things so horrible and described me as somebody I hate.  She is so hurt by me and believes so much that I do not see as happening and misconstruing the fact that in an argument I said that I had given up things for her as me saying my life would be better without her.

I keep coming here and saying similiar things but I cannot get it through my head what is the truth...

I hate myself.  I hate what she says I am and what I have done.  I hate that she feels this way.  I hate that she says she is going to do all she can to destroy me as I have destroyed her in her mind.  I know she is hurt, but how can I even validate and support her if she says everything I say is bull___ and that I really do not care and that im just saying crap.  That i am just lying and faking when I am not

What about the kids?  I just want to die.  I really want to die.  I tell her that what she is saying is so extreme and to please stop with how bad and horrible the things, that I cannot take it.  I try walking away and that seemst o invalildate her, but the abuse... i want to kill myself rather than hear anymore.  I tell her that I cannot handle it, that I cannot take it.  She says im lying... my religion will not let me, but I do not know what I believe anymore.  If you had asked me 3 y ears ago about suicide I would say its selfish, but now I complete understand it.  Its relief.

She is miserable, and I am miserable, but she sees me as the enemy.  Past 20 minutes she has said im selfish, crazy, liar, dangerous, uncaring, unloving, she hates me, she wishes she had never met me, she plans on destroying me, she plans on taking kids from me, saying all sorts of untrue things, totally invalidating anything.  As I cry she gets more angry and verbal.  She says she will tell police im dangerous cause I slammed a door.  She says i do nothing...

I love her, usually i can take it, but sometimes the abuse gets too much and i will say something like, "you're evil".  I mean after 20 minutes of being berated... literally being woken up to be berated...   I have said that twice in my life and that is the worst of it.  She then says I killed our marriage with that and its all my fault and I have to live with that.

I work alot yes, but I cut it back to under 50 hours a week generally... never more than 53 hours.  She say she is always alone.  She cleans houses on occasion, but nothing regularly.  I dont know... We cannot afford BPD therapy and the rest of her meds at $1800 a month without me working this hard.  Am I wrong?

she says she wants to be angry again and therapy is taking that away.  that anger is better than the suffering of the depression.  that im changing her.  I do not want that.  I do not want her to do anything she doesnt want to besides just not be abusive to me... i dont think that is too much to ask

What has happened?  I do not know how to make it through this

I hope you realise quickly that you are not to blame. If you know she has BPD and is mentally ill, do you really need to ask people here, why is she doing this? It's because she is insane.

You mentioned suicide a lot in your post. Is she worth that? I don't think anyone is. Please leave today. Just get out and go. It's not going to get better it's going to get worse and you know that.

You do not deserve this. It is not your fault. The only fault is that you are letting this happen to yourself willingly. She is her problem. You are yours. I hope you do the right thing by yourself because I've read your posts and what is being done to you is criminal! Please think of yourself here. Please.