Help me detach through idealization after reality of divorce sets in

[Heartandsole]

SO I've been fairly miserable for years with my uBPDw of 10years that is constantly devaluing me and arguing wihtout accepting any dissint  Her irational behavior has worn me thin trying to understand what is going on with her.  Already at the end of the line in frustration and being sick and tired of finding myself in lose-lose situations, being distanced from my Family, I was really at the end of my rope.  I have endured enough disrespect and name-calling to last a lifetime.  Nothing I do seems to be good enough.  I  have been apologizing for things I don't think I should be just to stop the  never ending conversation... .I have been buying Peace with pieces of my self respect.

This summer she moved out for the first time ever of r aweek, she came back and I welcomed her with open harms and gave her a big hug and told her I loved her and she wouldn't even say ILY back or raise her arms to hug me.  She has said the nastiest stuff to me, and blamed me for all kinds of things... .ruining her life, waisting the last 10years of her pecious time on this earth, telling me it would be a disgrace to bring a child into thie world with me as the father, all I do is ruin things and crap on her dreams, I am a total failure at life, she's embarrased to be married to me, I'm an idiot, a-hole, liar, controllling, weak human being, not really a man... .  Ok you get the point.

I left the house in early May and started no live communication (email texting, voicemail Ok) because things just weren't making sense and stuff kept getting twisted around, and things I didn't say were quoted later etc.  Our verbal communication broke down so badly as she would just escalate and yell, every 4rth word was an F-bomb and the name calling and devalueing was intense.  She was so hyper critical of me but typically in general terms, no specifics.  "I am absolutely disgusted by your decisions and actions... .you are such an idiot" kinda stuff.

She has real perceived threat by my parents especially mom and I had to hear about how I should not go to Mother's Day dinner with my mom for 9 HOURS!  Can't stop it, can't leave to take a walk around the block to cool off or she's literally bear-hugging me in the front yard thelling she "needs" me to stay inside.

I told her I'd talk to her again once we got some couples counseling to learn some basic rules of civility and general human decency and consequences if the rules were broken.  It took forever to get into therapy.  Then she felt like the therapist wasn't right when she felt like she was going to have to take responsibilty for her actions and hurtful words... .she quit after two sessions together.

She said she found a "better counselor" but wouldn't schedule an appointment for a couple weeks. 

By this time, after several other "episodes"  I came to the realization that I had no more gas in the tank to work on our marriage.  I am depressed, confused and sick and tired of trying to please her but always missing the bar or else the goalpost moving.  At the first counseling session I told her we should work on communication still, bu tin the context of winding down our marriage.  She said she had already had an attorney and filled out paperwork etc.  I had never one time threatened divorce, but I meant it now.  She said she felt relieved, that she wasn't devastaed or crying etc.

I was/am shattered because I love her but can't live with the the disrespect, and am fullin in the FOG as a result of haveing a need to take care of her as I feel bad for her, and also she has had some serious health issues over the years and is just now getting back on her feet, but can't support herself yet.  She is very high-functioning, and smart and capable though.

So above is the background, here is my delimma-- Now she realizes I am not bluffing.  I told family and friends, work etc I am getting a divorce.  Her world is starting to crumble behind her steel facade and the abandonment fear is starting to surge.  Whaaamo- Suddenly I am painted white.

No two people on this earth should be together more that us,  We are soulmates, I love you with all my heart,  Now I see that these issues  are mine and I'll deal with them, you were just triggering me... .all kinds of epiphanies and slathering on the priase- you are the funniest, smartes, most caring etc.   We need to be together, we were meant to be together, we've konw it all our lives.  She is emailing my parents saying she is 100% commited to the relationship (she also has her attorney retained and has her filing papers 100% filled out).  She wants to start sexting me which has never ever happened before!

How the heck do you peel someone off of you that is tring to charm you back into their lair?  My self respect is in the toilet so the compliments sound nice, but this sugar she's pouring out doesn't cover up the bitter taste she's left.   I know this isn't going to last and if I go back to work on our marriage instead of working on getting a divorce, the honeymoon period will fade  and I'' be stuck again.  I don't want a contentious divorce, but thought we both were at the point that there was no other good option.  Now I've made up my mind and she's latched onto me.  The FOG makes it hard to shoo away this puppy dog back into the snow instead of taking  it in, but deep down I know this puppy dog will turn back in to a pit bull and will bite me again. 

Tips? Suggestions? Support?  How do I tell someone I love that I don't want to work on the marriage anymore because I think the problem at it's core is unsolvable when all the sudden they are begging and telling me they will do anything to save our marriage.

[OutOfEgypt]

How the heck do you peel someone off of you that is tring to charm you back into their lair?  My self respect is in the toilet so the compliments sound nice, but this sugar she's pouring out doesn't cover up the bitter taste she's left. 

You focus on you.  You keep your goal in sight.  You begin to see more and more that what you have without her is better than what you could ever imagine, for a split second, of having with her (especially because you know it won't last).  You do it because you know you must, at first, and as you heal and grow stronger, you do it because you WANT her gone.  You do it because you never want to feel that way ever again.  You do it because you LIKE feeling the wind in your sails, standing strong on two feet, having control of your own life, walking tall, etc.

See... .she can dump you, but when you dump her she can't handle that.  My ex was the same way.  Don't worry.  If you stick to your guns the act will die down eventually.  She will realize it won't work.  She'll be desperate to get your attention.  Mine would call me crying, or just call me in the middle of the night and say, "I'll love you forever."  She smashed things I gave her over the years.  But eventually it died down, and probably within a week or two she had another guy.  Thankfully, by that point, although it hurt to hear her say "I'll love you forever", I knew that didn't matter.  You can love someone you will not allow yourself to be with. 

You can still love her... .from a distance.  And love is not the same as "need".  Love means you still care about her and what happens to her.  I still feel that way about my ex, but I will never ever let her close to me ever again.  Those walls are high and thick.

How can you tell her?  I eventually just went the low-conflict route, meaning that I would say, "I'm sorry... .I love you.  You are like an old friend.  But I think we were just never right for each other."  That sort of agreed with many of the things she had said over the years.  It was less confrontational and triggering than, "You're nuts, and I cannot stand the abuse you put me through."   But being straight honest with her, without going into details, might be good, too.  "I love you, but I'm sorry.  I can't do this any more."  I would, however, make it more about you than about her.  I would add in, "I need to take time for myself and work on myself.  I don't like who I am anymore."  There is an article on the board somewhere that recommends how to break away from a relationship with a BPD person.

Have you read this?  It has some good suggestions.  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

[SpringInMyStep]

Oh wow I am sorry you are going through all of that. 10 years! That is a LOT of brainwashing. I was with my wife for only 1 1/2 years and I think it's making it easier for me to detatch.

What you must remember is that people like her (and my wife) manipulate people into doing what they want. She had you but now with the threat of you leaving her, she is panicking. Please do not fall for this!

I loved my wife and at one time thought I could never live without her. Three days after she left, I feel SO GOOD.

So here are my suggestions:

Notice how peaceful it is on a daily basis living by yourself (I assume you are?)

Pay attention to that peace... .revel in it.

You were under her spell for 10 years so it may take time to figure yourself out but it'll be worth it!

Remember you are FREE!