I had some great times with her and I miss that, but I know there is someone out there who I can have that with who won't turn on me at any moment. There is no need to go through life in constant fear the person you love is going to turn on you for no reason except their own insanity.
Thanks for the note ChipH
Yes, after a few public airings of all my sins, I'm beginning to realise that she knows I'm alive, a sperm donor, and money provider, but I don't think there is much else in terms of seeing me as another human being with feelings, opinions, thoughts and needs.
In terms of my own development, I'm reading the book "Stop caretaking the BP/NP", and I'm realising that I've been complicit in all of this nonsense. I've accepted being treated like I'm not there, and bizarrely, I've allowed myself to become a servant/slave to her wishes. All she had to do was threaten, or get angry or pout and I would give her anything she wanted. When I look back, I'm a little embarrassed about how much control I gave her, and it happened slowly, almost imperceptibly until the full hatred stage, when she became physically abusive as well. I gave her an ultimatum 4 years ago, therapy or divorce. You can guess she chose therapy right? But she's been so clever at manipulating therapists, to believe that I am the narcissist who has been abusive to her. When they do catchup to her games and confront her, she jumps to another one, and the process started again. I stopped paying for therapists 3 months ago - it won't help her, and just now I realise that actually, nothing can help her. Her whole life supports her beliefs, mother and 3 sisters also with signs of BPD themselves, readily tell her that "there's absolutely nothing wrong with you". I guess the apple never falls far from the tree LOL
I'm trying to piece myself back together, and develop my self esteem again, and realising its a bit of a mountain, but I'm worth it! - I'm already climbing
