Balance between hate and empathy

[robert4574]

One moment I empathize with her disorder because I have seen behind the mask. What I feel most of her other suppliers have not. We have had discussions about the disorder before where she cried in front of me about it. She even mentioned that she knows she lies. She told me about how she lies sometimes and immediately after she has no idea why she even said that and corrects herself. I remember very early on in the relationship, maybe 3 months in where she didn't want me to go out with my friends. To the point where she was cried uncontrollably and wouldn't let me get off the phone. She then shows up at my front door shaking like she was having a panic attack. Okay, that's not normal... .

Then other moments I hate her and label her the succubus that she is. I ended up seeing so many facebook messages at the end of our relationship that were unbelievable. The last two years of our relationship there must have been 15 or so messages to men asking about going on vacations to Europe, Asia, Etc. Meanwhile, I'm living with her, working, and providing. Hello, maybe I want to go on vacation. This guy right here <------

The point is i'm having a hard time finding the middle ground. It's obviously not best to just empathize with her disorder because I feel you eventually get tangled back into the black widows web. On the other hand, you don't want to hold onto that much hate.

[Overbeck]

We have much in common.

My empathy for her died, irrevocably and forever, on June 18th when I saw her with another man.

What's left is pure, unbridled hatred. Disgust. Loathing. Bile.

I was you before June 18th. Muddled. Conflicted. Wanting to love and help her whilst hating what her disorder had made her do.

Now, I'm the fool who let her abuse me; who saw the lies and ignored them.

Empathy? My heart can't fathom that level of darkness. So there is no conflict in me now. It's all hate.

I do hope you recover. I hope you let go of the "pull" to feel love for her. It simply can't help you heal.

[LettingGo14]

I've never been much of a "things-happen-for-a-reason" person.  And I'm definitely not after my relationship.

But, I am a big proponent of this maxim:  "it's not what happens to us, it's how we relate to it."

It does not take away the pain.  It does not take away the anger.  It does not take away the confusion.  But, it does give us agency.  It gives us ownership.  And, ultimately, it helps us reclaim ourselves.

Nobody wants the rug pulled out from under them.  Nobody wants to find out their partner lied, cheated, or stole.

Anger, in a controlled burn, can release us from emotional bonds.   But, anger can also be like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.

Empathy too has costs and benefits.  Learning about the disorder allowed me to release myself from thinking I could have "fixed" anything.   But, empathy allowed me to find my path -- yes, I was humiliated at the end of my relationship; but, I was not going to fight fire with fire.   

Turning the mirror on ourselves allows us to work through, and out.