She needs a job

[overstressedmom]

Need some advise please! 22D went to school, graduated in February and has Esthetics license. (Shocked and excited that she did it)! Problem is, every job she has held, she has always found excuses to quit. Now refuses to even work, has applied for SSI, rejected twice, now got a lawyer for it, which will take a very long time to hear anything. Growing up, my parents were always her enablers. My mother passed away 2 years ago, so now it's just my father. My husband, father, and Dd all live together.

Just so frustrating that she won't get off her butt and get a job! She thinks everything should be handed to her! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Overstressedmom,

Oh boy, do I share your frustration!  My own DD17 had a job for 2 weeks earlier this summer, then lost it, and she has not been successful at finding another one.  So, she's home all the time, making messes and getting depressed from being alone too much.

I really feel for you, dealing with not only your BPDD at home, but also your father. That is a tough situation, especially if your father undermines your rules and limits.

I don't know what the answer is, but it sounds like you may have to set some pretty strict limits with your DD if she isn't willing to be a productive member of your household.  Entitlement seems to be a very common problem here.  There are some tools on the right about Communicating Boundaries & Limits.  I've found all these tools to be helpful, but this is one of the best descriptions of setting Boundaries that I've seen.--------------------------------->

Did your DD tell you WHY she is refusing to work?  Is she having anxiety? Or perhaps it's trouble dealing with people she works with?  Is she aware she has BPD? 

If you could share a bit more about her, maybe some of the senior members can offer you some suggestions. 

[overstressedmom]

I laid it all out on the introduction board. Yes, she is aware she has BPD, on medication for bipolar, she is your typical BPD! She insists that she cannot hold a job, and should be on SSI disability. Like I said, she wants everything handed to her, like she has been all her life from my parents who spoiled the hell out of her. And claims her psych doc said that with the meds she is on, she would be unable to work. I call BS on that, don't believe he said it. She's on Lithium, Latuda, Klonopin, and Lamictal. Yes, it makes her tired, at night when you're supposed to be tired! Its next to impossible to talk her out of it. Now that her SSI claim is in attorney's hands, she really claims that she can't work. And chooses to sit on her butt all day and b___ and complain about what everyone else "does wrong" around here. If it were up to me, I'd kick her butt out of here! And she knows it!

[Rapt Reader]

So, you're thinking she's just spoiled, and won't work because she's always been catered to? Do you suspect she really isn't mentally ill in any way, and is just being stubborn and demanding? Did her Psychiatrist diagnose her with BPD because she tricked him somehow? Have you read any of the links to the right-hand side of this page to try to get an idea of how her mind works, in case she really has a personality disorder and that there might be other reasons (besides being spoiled and lazy) for her symptoms and behaviors?

I know that I used to think these things about my adult (37) son who was diagnosed with BPD last year; his Dad and I were very angry and frustrated with him because he couldn't hold a job, was a Heroin addict, kept getting taken advantage of by his like-minded friends, and made our lives a stressful living h*ll. I know how you feel, overstressedmom... .I was one, too 

Once, however, I found out about BPD and learned how my son's mind worked and why he was the way he was, I changed my whole opinion of him--which changed the way I interacted with him and understood him. And once I used the communication tools on this site (Empathy, Validation, S.E.T., Boundaries, Radical Acceptance--everything explained at the links to the right side of this page), my son started reacting differently to me. He was amazed that someone finally understood him and listened to him, and he poured out his heart and I learned the inner workings of his soul. I didn't know the hurt, sad, scared little boy inside his heart, that had been acting out with bravado and defiance--the result being the behavior I mentioned above.

Once he could let his truth out to me, there was no turning back. I changed the way I related to him, and he was open to Therapies, recovery, and living a better life. Now, I do realize that not all BPD loved ones are like my son; not all of them will admit their troubles and seek help. But learning the communication tools & techniques can at least teach us how to understand our kids, and give us some insights into their troubled lives. It cannot hurt to have that knowledge; it is power and can help us in our dealings with them. I'd really like to encourage you to check out the information we have available here, overstressedmom 

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Overstressedmom,

I went back to the intro board to read the rest of your story.  (Sorry I missed that before.) I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this BPD drama and that it is causing problems between you and your DH!  All the constant drama our BPD offspring bring home is soo stressful!  I'm concerned about YOU, that you've lost so much weight from all the stress.  Is there some way you can get a little time away from everybody to calm and center yourself?  :)o you live near a beach where you can sit quietly and listen to the waves?  :)o you have any close friends you can have lunch with?  Are you doing anything fun, just you and your DH?  I know it's hard to stop and take care of yourself when you're dealing with daily crisis management, sometimes living one minute to the next.  I think it's safe to say we've all been through that here, at least once or twice.  (per day  )

It's really good you found us!  You're not alone going through this!  There are coping skills, tools, lessons, and lots of helpful information here on this site that have really helped me step back from my DD's drama to work on my own coping strategies.  Frustrating and maddening as it is, you can't change your DD's behavior (or anyone else's) but you CAN change how you respond to her.  I discovered that simply validating my DD's feelings, and not trying to solve her problems really helps de-escalate her rages.  And I feel much calmer and less stressed as a result.  So, I recommend you start with the first three skills here.  Listen with empathy, Validate the Valid, and Don't React, Respond with S.E.T.  ------------------------------>

Remember, these tools are ultimately for YOU, not your DD.  When I first came to this board, I was exhausted and at the end of my rope.  I was too angry to listen to my DD with empathy because, God knows, I was starving for empathy and validation myself.  The LAST thing I wanted was to give my DD empathy.  I was too fed up and too resentful and I had nothing of myself left to give.   But I've taken some time out for myself since then, and I was able to calm down enough to try listening with S.E.T.  It DOES work.  The magic in it is the way it allows you to supportively listen without getting yourself involved.  It takes some practice, and I still goof up here and there.  The good news is when she starts escalating, I go back to validating and my DD calms back down again.  I remain detached from her intense emotion, so I stay calm.

But before you do anything else, I urge you to figure out how to take some time out for you.  :)o you have a therapist who can help you get better control of the situation so you can decide what you want to do?  You don't have to let yourself be literally consumed by all this stress you're under!  

If it were up to me, I'd kick her butt out of here! And she knows it!

But, my dear Overstressedmom, it is up to you.  I'm saying this as gently as I can.  I think whatever is stopping you from "kicking her butt out" is worth exploring here.  What is stopping you?  I have a hunch you struggle with setting boundaries and limits, as I do and so many others here.  And from what you've said about your father undermining your limits, it is all the harder!

I do want to tell you as overwhelmed as you are at the moment, there is hope for your situation and your DD!  The fact that your DD recognizes that SHE has a problem is a HUGE step towards her healing.  If you've read anything about BPD, it is one of the hardest disorders to treat because the person suffering from it does not think they have a problem.  Your DD already KNOWS she is the one with the problem, so you're already way ahead of the game.  The type of therapy treatment for BPD is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, so perhaps you can help your DD find a therapist who is skilled in this type of therapy.

I'm sending you peace and your favorite aromatherapy bubble bath!  Please take care of yourself tonight and check back with us tomorrow.  We're here to listen.

[jellibeans]

Dear overstressed

I read your intro and I have a good idea of what is going on from what you have posted. I am sorry things are not good with your dd right now but that is understandable isn't it? Moving to a new state, bf leaving on vacation, new meds? I think first you have to realize that things are this way for a reason. If your dd is like my dd she doesn't do well with change. Losing her bf is also going to cause her to be very unsettled. She is looking to you to take away the pain but you can't do that... .the best you can do is be there and help her cope with the changes she is going through.

When she comes to you to complain how do you respond? Do you make suggestion on how to solve the problem? or do you empathize with her and ask her how she plans to solve it? Too often we are the fixers and rescuers... .I think this site can help and also I would like to suggest a book for you. Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr... .please get this book... .it really will help you deal with your dd. It really does come down to the fact that we can't change them... .we can only try to work on ourselves... .when we change then things can and will get better. I know how tiring that is ... .I know how frustrating it is to want things to be different but they are not... .radical acceptance will help you move forward. Try to look at what is troubling you the most? and try to focus on changing that. I am glad you have found us here... .we are here for you and we understand.

[theplotthickens]

It sounds like you want the best for your daughter and are sick and tired of being taken advantage of.  Have you thought of boundary-setting for the things that are driving you batty?  I really liked "Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" so much.

If your daughter is not a full-time student or working,  have you considered charging her for rent?

I am so glad you are venting this emotion - it helps so much just to voice it.  It is logical and reasonable to not be willing to hand your daughter a free ride while she refuses to contribute. Would you feel better coming up with plan for charging your daughter rent, should the disability come through?   

Entitlements are really out of control - where is the incentive for our kids to work when they can live/eat/get medical care for free?  It is frustrating when the system gives our kids incentives to stay sick and be dependent.  I feel the same way, and totally get where you are coming from.

This is  great place to vent - you are not alone in your frustrations!