Has anyone been split black when suspected of know about BPD

[Flora73]

Me again... .so many questions!

Has anyone been split black when suspected of know about there partners BPD?

Thank you

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[formflier]

Me again... .so many questions!

Has anyone been split black when suspected of know about there partners BPD?

Thank you

Yes... .this is pretty common.  The general advice is to not immediately "confront" or let your partner know that you suspect BPD.

Can you expand on your story some?  Maybe we can help point you in the right direction.

[Flora73]

Very long story... .

Been subject to the silent treatment for 8 weeks.  not sure is she is testing my love?

If we get back together will be my second recycle... .

Partner has hinted at BPD (quiet BPD) for some times but when I would ask questions... i.e. why do you say your a bad person she would ignore me.

Have sent the below today:

I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’m here & I care deeply.

I don’t know if your testing my love? Its just a blank email, but I haven’t received it so it says you don’t want me to stop trying.

Everything you have said I have found so confusing or it has been retracted?

I want to wait for the love of my life. I do…. Even if I only ever have a friendship with her.

But I feel Im waiting for you to explain something, something that you deep down are scared to explain to me or there is shame associated with it.

Its ok, I  understand & there is no shame.

Its why you always said that day at YXZ restaurant  “you need a strong person”

Unfortunately I didn’t know why or what it was related to.

I just had never met anyone like you in my life who was so special and had what you have & I don’t see it as a issue at all. Its what makes you so special especially to me.

I think a better description would be someone who understands how you work internally, places no judgement,  loves you for who you are, lets you know you can be you without judgement, doesn’t judge your actions,  learns skills to understand and gives you space and freedom to be yourself.

This “grey area” has been danced around for some time, you will notice sometimes I asked questions about things I just didn’t understand and in turn caused conflict because you didn’t want to tell me. Which is self preservation and is totally fair and understandable.

Please forgive me as I didn’t get it. I just didn’t know what this “grey area” was.

I'm changing and adapting all the time, but being true to myself & if I have to adapt / bring new skills to life to retain you in it I am more than committed to this if you would like me to be part of your life.

You are so special to me, words can not describe this.

XXXXX patience and time are on our side.

If you just want me to walk away please can you email me and let me know this.

If not can we just meet for 10 minuets and have coffee?

I care very deeply and want to retain you in my life some how.

[formflier]

Very long story... .

Been subject to the silent treatment for 8 weeks.  not sure is she is testing my love?

If we get back together will be my second recycle... .

Partner has hinted at BPD (quiet BPD) for some times but when I would ask questions... i.e. why do you say your a bad person she would ignore me.

Have sent the below today:

I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’m here & I care deeply.

I don’t know if your testing my love? Its just a blank email, but I haven’t received it so it says you don’t want me to stop trying.

Everything you have said I have found so confusing or it has been retracted?

I want to wait for the love of my life. I do…. Even if I only ever have a friendship with her.

But I feel Im waiting for you to explain something, something that you deep down are scared to explain to me or there is shame associated with it.

Its ok, I  understand & there is no shame.

Its why you always said that day at YXZ restaurant  “you need a strong person”

Unfortunately I didn’t know why or what it was related to.

I just had never met anyone like you in my life who was so special and had what you have & I don’t see it as a issue at all. Its what makes you so special especially to me.

I think a better description would be someone who understands how you work internally, places no judgement,  loves you for who you are, lets you know you can be you without judgement, doesn’t judge your actions,  learns skills to understand and gives you space and freedom to be yourself.

This “grey area” has been danced around for some time, you will notice sometimes I asked questions about things I just didn’t understand and in turn caused conflict because you didn’t want to tell me. Which is self preservation and is totally fair and understandable.

Please forgive me as I didn’t get it. I just didn’t know what this “grey area” was.

I'm changing and adapting all the time, but being true to myself & if I have to adapt / bring new skills to life to retain you in it I am more than committed to this if you would like me to be part of your life.

You are so special to me, words can not describe this.

XXXXX patience and time are on our side.

If you just want me to walk away please can you email me and let me know this.

If not can we just meet for 10 minuets and have coffee?

I care very deeply and want to retain you in my life some how.

I'll try to come back later and make some more comments.

My quick reaction to this is to try and limit written communication. 

You had said something about dropping in on the ex... .why not just drop by... .and say "I'm going for coffee... .can you spare 10 minutes?"

If the answer is no... .make sure you don't react... .stay positive... and go have coffee by yourself.

Many times pwBPD like "the drama" or "the dance"... .not saying that is in your case... .but it is something to be aware of. 

Hang in there... I'll try to write more later.

[Flora73]

Many thanks form flier its appreciated.

[formflier]

Many thanks form flier its appreciated.

Sure thing... .and please focus on the underlying principle of the message... .rather than the exact thing I said.

No drama

You are going to go do something... you hope the other comes... .minor disappointment at most if they don't come.

If there is an "jab" or something from the other side that would normally start a fight... .don't "pick it up"... .keep moving along... .

[Flora73]

Oh... .

So I said bollocks and called her. I think my email is blocked (thank god)

She said... .it is nothing to do with you, its me. she doesn't love me or miss me.

I asked what it was about her that is causing a problem and she said I just need to deal with the fact I will never know things and didn't want to tell me her reasons.

She then hung up on me... .

I called her back and went through to voice mail and said,  the time with her was so memorable and that I will always hold it dearly in my heart, however hanging up on me was immature and par for the course.

She then called me back... .I said F@#k that Im not answering and let it go through to voice mail. The message said that I need to fix my head... .she was happy and would never answer a call or contact me ever again.

So I thought... .OK I will call and leave a message as there is no way after that she would pickup... .anyway she did? I just said sorry I missed your call, I was busy... .I just wanted to say my head was fine and that is all I had planned to say as I expected your voice mail and laughed... .she laughed and I said good bye.

Is this NORMAL? can Dissociation be a double personality? can splitting be so?

or am I know BPD?

[Haye]

Ouch. You seem to be in a difficult position. I don't know, but perhaps your girlfriend is suffering from object constancy? My SO suffers from it, i understood it's typical for BPD's, means that once you are not there (like not in the same house) you sort of disappear. It's weird - my so says somehow the people who are not present loose their meaning. They became some distant memories or such. It's not that he starts to hate, or forgets a person completely... .  But deep feelings, just disappear. (and they might come back once back in the same room, or might not... .).

As for being dissociative, yes it can happen too, she might have a change in the personality, or I guess a huge change in the perspective is a better way to call it. But it's nothing you can do about (!) and guessing her motives aren't really going to change the situation, either .

I know this sounds harsh, but best for you now is try to minimize contact, too. Let her know, in a short message, that you respect her wish to be without you and that you will not bother anymore. You can, if you wish to, add extrly briefly, that she can contact you if her mind changes though i think most people here won't suggest doing even that.

In my opinion you should now concentrate on yourself, taking care of you. Nurture and healing, enjoying life with friends. You can ponder about this relationship and her behaviour later, too.

[woofhound]

Everything you described is part of the BPD "chase". This is her subconscious way of having control over something in her life. Unfortunately, I played this game in total confusion for three years. I know exactly where you are... .You're probably going through it in your head a million times, over and over and over. You probably feel that there must be something you can do to win her back. Truthfully, there probably is. However, once you do, it will be a restart for the cycle. The cycle is and always will be the same. Its a delicately constructed game meant to fuel her ego. It is a parasite. Severe the head and the body dies.

This is the lesson that took me a VERY long time to come to terms with: As long as I was chasing after my ex, my whole life, my mind, my emotional state... .all were under her control. Once I began to understand this concept and began to focus on myself (my health, working out, eating right, my undergraduate degree, seeing friends, etc.) my life became much happier. I ran after her until I realized that my life is worth more than chasing some broad. In other words, you can play someone else's game (to which there is no means to win), or you can create a new game.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, and I respect your decision whatever that may be. After all, life is a progression, and the lessons there in are learned at a curve tailored to each mans life.

Best wishes,

The Woofhound

[thereishope]

Everything you described is part of the BPD "chase". This is her subconscious way of having control over something in her life. Unfortunately, I played this game in total confusion for three years. I know exactly where you are... .You're probably going through it in your head a million times, over and over and over. You probably feel that there must be something you can do to win her back. Truthfully, there probably is. However, once you do, it will be a restart for the cycle. The cycle is and always will be the same. Its a delicately constructed game meant to fuel her ego. It is a parasite. Severe the head and the body dies.

This is the lesson that took me a VERY long time to come to terms with: As long as I was chasing after my ex, my whole life, my mind, my emotional state... .all were under her control. Once I began to understand this concept and began to focus on myself (my health, working out, eating right, my undergraduate degree, seeing friends, etc.) my life became much happier. I ran after her until I realized that my life is worth more than chasing some broad. In other words, you can play someone else's game (to which there is no means to win), or you can create a new game.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, and I respect your decision whatever that may be. After all, life is a progression, and the lessons there in are learned at a curve tailored to each mans life.

Best wishes,

The Woofhound

Profoundly expressed... .I'm trying to come to grips with this myself... .

[woofhound]

Everything you described is part of the BPD "chase". This is her subconscious way of having control over something in her life. Unfortunately, I played this game in total confusion for three years. I know exactly where you are... .You're probably going through it in your head a million times, over and over and over. You probably feel that there must be something you can do to win her back. Truthfully, there probably is. However, once you do, it will be a restart for the cycle. The cycle is and always will be the same. Its a delicately constructed game meant to fuel her ego. It is a parasite. Severe the head and the body dies.

This is the lesson that took me a VERY long time to come to terms with: As long as I was chasing after my ex, my whole life, my mind, my emotional state... .all were under her control. Once I began to understand this concept and began to focus on myself (my health, working out, eating right, my undergraduate degree, seeing friends, etc.) my life became much happier. I ran after her until I realized that my life is worth more than chasing some broad. In other words, you can play someone else's game (to which there is no means to win), or you can create a new game.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, and I respect your decision whatever that may be. After all, life is a progression, and the lessons there in are learned at a curve tailored to each mans life.

Best wishes,

The Woofhound

Profoundly expressed... .I'm trying to come to grips with this myself... .

The hardest part for me was not really knowing if things could be resolved... .once i realized that we would never have a normal, drama free relationship, it was much easier to let go.

[thereishope]

The hardest part for me was not really knowing if things could be resolved... .once i realized that we would never have a normal, drama free relationship, it was much easier to let go.

I hear you.  I feel this... .but am still in the mind-boggling final decision/plan making stage... .

[formflier]

Oh... .

So I said bollocks and called her. I think my email is blocked (thank god)

She said... .it is nothing to do with you, its me. she doesn't love me or miss me.

I asked what it was about her that is causing a problem and she said I just need to deal with the fact I will never know things and didn't want to tell me her reasons.

She then hung up on me... .

I called her back and went through to voice mail and said,  the time with her was so memorable and that I will always hold it dearly in my heart, however hanging up on me was immature and par for the course.

She then called me back... .I said F@#k that Im not answering and let it go through to voice mail. The message said that I need to fix my head... .she was happy and would never answer a call or contact me ever again.

So I thought... .OK I will call and leave a message as there is no way after that she would pickup... .anyway she did? I just said sorry I missed your call, I was busy... .I just wanted to say my head was fine and that is all I had planned to say as I expected your voice mail and laughed... .she laughed and I said good bye.

Is this NORMAL? can Dissociation be a double personality? can splitting be so?

or am I know BPD?

Flora,

Sounds like you have had a tough time of it... .hang in there!   

One thing that has happened to me in the past... .and many others on this site is that we get wrapped up in "tactical" discussions of "I said this... "... .and then she said "xyz"... .and that I said... .  (You get the picture)

Those can be useful discussions to help reduce the "heat" when a r/s is in full swing... .with lots of drama.

One thing I would like you to consider is how to best move forward with self-care for yourself.  That is almost always a number 1 priority of the education I suggest to people.  Because if you wear yourself out... you are no good to yourself... .or the partner in your r/s (relationship).

Responses from a pwBPD (or that have traits) can often be frustrating.  It's something you don't control.  You only control your response... .that is a powerful concept to make sure you have straight.  And I'm not saying I've got it straight... .  I often challenge myself to make sure I am thinking clearly on this issue.

Why am I saying this?

Trying to control things... .that you really have no control over usually leads to frustration (or worse). 

So... .I would challenge you to think about your current situation and post things that you control... .and things that you don't.

Then... .I hope... with the help of other senior members here... .to guide you in learning more about the things that you can control... .and put most of your focus there. 

I also hope to guide you to accept those things that you don't control... .and let them be.  That can be tough... .but it is essential to not mix up these two things.

Hang in there !     

Looking forward to seeing your reply.

[Flora73]

I would like to thank everyone for there care and support.

By nature / spirit I'm a very loving and caring being. Even my exBPDgf describes me as the most loving person she has ever know. But your right, I can only control what I can, being myself.

I will focus on this whilst still trying to educate myself on BPD.

I'm not one to give up on someone, especially when they potentially don't know themselves. But I will if she ever reconnects talk about boundaries and what is acceptable and what isn't

I will continue strengthening my self with the info on this site.

Thank you everyone 

[Flora73]

Ok... .some update.

So I thought this couldn't get any worse as she is pushing me away as she feels it would be easier, (she knows of her illness and has made so many comments in the past) & I called her to leave a message.

I said I understood that she had never spoken to me about her Mood & anxiety disorders (didn't label BPD) and that I was here with no judgement and wanted to support her.

I said that she did not have to push me away and that I cared.

I stated it was myself that had to do most of the work to get to a healthy perspective on things.

Below is my message


++++ MESSAGE++++

Further to my phone messages.

I haven’t been able to find a way to rasie any of this in the past, have been apprehensive towards doing as I haven't wanted to seem it to be invalidating.

I do understand how hard it would be for you to have talked to me about things and I guess you may have wanted me to work it out for myself.

I havent labeled anything, just awareness of it with no judgment.

I guess it’s the reason I have been trying to find away forward with you.

I don’t think of you any differently, if anything I think more of you & have more time for you.

Are you pushing me away because of this or you feel Im not strong enough long term?

I am open minded and have no judgment... .Zero

Life is beautiful and presents, lessons, opportunities in incredible and diverse ways.

I just look back at so much where I would have made things worse due to not having any understanding. 

I just didn’t understand

I would love to have a coffee with you but that’s up to you.

Nothing needs to be talked about, just having understanding is key.

I have this off my chest and here for you if needed.

If I don't hear from you, please take care.

Your a good woman whom I loved deeply.

xxxxx