Friend/Girlfriend/Flirt/Acquaintance - I dont know who I am to him

[ilmatar]

hello...

first of all, sorry for my english. its not my mother language and its have been a long time that i didnt use english to explain anything. that will be long but i need someone to understand.

i am 20 and he is 21. last days of february, after his grandmothers death, he tried to committed suicide again and his family took him to a doctor. in my country, there is so many social and political problems and people dont care about psychological problems that much. even i cant find good sources for borderline.

this was my first year at university. we met him at a theatre club. i was kind of apatic back then. i have my own affective problems. i am not sure about but maybe i am a narcissist or maybe i am suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, its really hard times for me, except that boderline stuff.

when we met, i thought he is definitely good-looking and funny. i was wondered about how he can act such a clever play. but except him, that play wasnt good enough, i always want everything perfect and i critized actors and directors. that wasnt a good start. but except others, he was really nice and he said i was right. after that period he was always flirting, sometimes i respond, sometimes i didnt. but i couldnt feel anything back then. i was apathic and i said about that to him. he always supported me.

but we cant get better with the director of theatre, we had a fight and i quit. after that, we get more close to each other with borderline. i felt lonely and my problems were too much to me. i tried to trust him and let him to close. i needed attention and he gave me too much.

we were flirting like 2 months. he went to his hometown for his grandmothers funeal. he diagnosed as BPD at this times. when he come back to city that we are study in, we met and he tried to kiss me. i reject him because of my own issues (which i didnt know about back then, but i do now, sexual abuse by my own father). actually that was a funny day. he laughed at my behavior (how open-minded person can be that much shy). we were good. he made too many promises. i had trust issues and he told me that i can trust him because he really cares about me and love me bla bla bla.

but when he went home, he turned into a different person. he dismiss me and doesnt gave any attention. 2 days later he said, he loves me but he wants to be alone, he said that is not leaving but he doesnt want that kind of relationship because he doesnt wanna hurt me. i was shocked and depressed but i accept that and tried move on as friends. but he was dismissing me all the time. after a few days, i learned that he is seeing someone else. i got very angry, but he reject this situation.

like a month ago, he said he misses me so much and loves me, that he tried for a solution for his problems. fırst time i said no but i still care about him as a friend but we cant be more anymore. he cried, apologized and i think he manipulated me again. i said ok, but a day after, he dismiss me again. he said it is just because he is so busy. thing are like that this times. i asked him about what we are now, because i dont know and i dont know how to act to him like as a friend or girlfriend. he says he dont know too, but he loves me. for 2 days, we are good.

sorry for my english again. i didnt use this language for a long time.

sometimes, when he dismiss me, i feel like i am inlove with him. but sometimes he seems so fragile and i feel like i dont like him that much anymore. but mostly i feel depressed. i have to fix my own problems but i cant leave him.

after my 2 years apatic period, i am really confused. my psychiatrist doesnt think that i am a narcissist and this can be happen after that much long apathy.

i am really confused. my own problems are much to me and i dont understand him. i feel tired but i cant leave him. i need someone to love me. maybe its a unhealty love but i dont know. when he left me i felt terrible. now, even that i dont know what we are, i feel better. i dont know what to do.

[Mutt]

Don't apologize for your english, your writing perfectly fine. I'm sorry to hear about February that's truly a difficult thing to go through. It sounds like a you had a budding romance with your friend and it's very exciting. He is diagnosed with BPD. One of the core attributes of BPD is fear of intimacy. You have a push / pull dynamic and I had a difficult time understand why an innocent or benevolent action on my part was greeted with a distance and coldness from her. It's very confusing and it's hurtful to our feelings at the same time. It's ambiguity and not knowing where you clearly stand with this person, it causes anxiety and stress. I'm sorry  I understand that this push / pull behavior makes us extra tired and at the same time there's a certain pull to this nature as well.

What kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself? I don't think that I understand, how long ago did you see him?

[ilmatar]

Heyy, thank you for your answer Mutt.

Well, I wasn't seeing him like a month back then. But i ignored all my fears and problems and now, he is my boyfriend.

But i cannot run away from my fears. I am really afraid of being abandoned or/and betrayed. The things are I read, makes me feel worse but I want to be prepared when this times will come.

Because of my fears, we are always arguing. I feel so prejudiced and sometimes injustice too.

[Mutt]

I feel so prejudiced and sometimes injustice too.

I understand that there is anxiety that is attached from what you have read about BPD. It can be scary indeed and anticipating what happens in the future adds anxiety and stress as well. We really can't control what is in the future. Living in the present - the here and now lessens anxiety.

Having said that. What do you mean by prejudice and injustice? Can you provide an example of how you feel in this context?

[ilmatar]

I can get easily mad about any stupid little sign of betrayal. Actually, I have no real proof, maybe he is using denial for defence but it makes me feel like I am injustice because my reading and fear.

[Mutt]

I can get easily mad about any stupid little sign of betrayal. Actually, I have no real proof, maybe he is using denial for defence but it makes me feel like I am injustice because my reading and fear.

You don't trust him and feel invalidated, betrayed and hurt because you sense he lies and doesn't tell you the truth? You don't have proof that he's not telling the truth and you have doubt?

[ilmatar]

Yes, exactly like that.

[Mutt]

I can relate with having our own trust issues when we are in a relationship and it's difficult when we don't trust our romantic interests. Trust is important  it's the foundation that we build relationships with - friendships, partners you get the idea.

If you look at the sidebar to the right "Choosing a Path" it's a good start. Step 1 "Stop the Bleeding" in the link here: Decision Making Guidelines for Members of This Board

Step 1 is ending pointless arguments that go nowhere and to decrease the emotional dysregulations with the pwBPD in your life. How do we do that Ilmatar?

BPD is a mental disorder and our partners have maladaptive coping skills and defense mechanisms that protect them from their core wound. You are not likely going to change the pwBPD but you can "stop the bleeding" by learning different communication tools that makes it easier for both parties. Remember that emotions are facts with a pwBPD and not facts followed by the emotions attached for the non-disordered.

How does that someone sound to you? Learning to stop the circular arguments and communication tools to make things better? Is that something that you think you can do?

I'd like to hear suggestions from members when it comes to "stop the bleeding" What does making things better with the pwBPD in your life mean to you?