Telling my Aunt my story

[Depression = 72% of members]

Good afternoon all!  So things with my uBPDm are in a bad stage right now.  Long story short, she is mad at me for not obeying her every wish, had said extremely hurtful things (including that I was dead to her), and we have not really talked much lately.  She has tried to talk to me, but its the same old cycle and I am NOT dealing with that.  I don't need that venomous negativity in my life.  Anyway... .my aunt emailed me the other day with a religious passage about forgiveness and such and basically said that I should talk to my mother and work through things.  My mother does this thing where she talks about me negatively to the entire family (my mom is one of five), and then they either randomly contact me and tell me I need to apologize (or worse) or they just silently accept and pass judgement.  No one ever comes to me and asks me my side of the story and no one ever tells me the things she says.  I told my aunt that it was much more complicated than that and that I would be willing to talk to her about it sometime if she wants, especially because I appreciate someone in the family finally talking to ME about it.  She agreed and we are meeting on Saturday.  Now I am at a loss... .there is so much to say... .Where do I start?  How should I go about this?  Do I mention BPD?   Any suggestions, ideas, or experiences would help!  Thank you  

[kookaburra13]

Good afternoon all!  So things with my uBPDm are in a bad stage right now.  Long story short, she is mad at me for not obeying her every wish, had said extremely hurtful things (including that I was dead to her), and we have not really talked much lately.  She has tried to talk to me, but its the same old cycle and I am NOT dealing with that.  I don't need that venomous negativity in my life.  Anyway... .my aunt emailed me the other day with a religious passage about forgiveness and such and basically said that I should talk to my mother and work through things.  My mother does this thing where she talks about me negatively to the entire family (my mom is one of five), and then they either randomly contact me and tell me I need to apologize (or worse) or they just silently accept and pass judgement.  No one ever comes to me and asks me my side of the story and no one ever tells me the things she says.  I told my aunt that it was much more complicated than that and that I would be willing to talk to her about it sometime if she wants, especially because I appreciate someone in the family finally talking to ME about it.  She agreed and we are meeting on Saturday.  Now I am at a loss... .there is so much to say... .Where do I start?  How should I go about this?  Do I mention BPD?   Any suggestions, ideas, or experiences would help!  Thank you  

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Kookaburra! I had to take a look through your other posts to make sure you're not one of my first cousins... .my uBPDm is one of five, and I think her sister (who has some estranged children) is also possibly uBPD, so I was afraid my mom was the one that emailed you the forgiveness-pushing email. bahahaha. But several things don't match up, so I guess I'm only your cousin in the spirit of commiseration. 

I don't know what your right path with the conversation would be. My suggestion is to keep it very gently-spoken, factual, and not heated if you're going to be making a case for your aunt to see your mother's unhealth (whether you bring up BPD or not.) It is sometimes really difficult to convince a caring third party that it is okay for reconciliation to NOT be your primary goal. That being unwilling to allow abuse is not the same thing as denying forgiveness. Make sure you have those thoughts anchored in your own head and heart before going into the conversation!

[Angi]

I couldn´t explain myself. I needed the help of books about BPD-parents and the influence on their children. It wasn´t new to my aunt that I have always had problems with my mum and I had often talked to her about it. So I think she even thought it was nice to have some sort of explanation after such a lot of time. I also think my aunt has an idea of what my mum had experienced as a child (they all more or less).

She doesn´t mention anything to my mum, which is ok for me. It is just nice to have somebody knowing.

[TurkBoo]

I am not sure if I know what the right answer is, but for me, I made the decision to share my situation with people I trusted to have my best interest at heart, and not just want to ignore it to try to keep my uBPDm and uBPD sister from attacking them.  I found that certain family members, for me it came mainly from my grandmother, did not actually care what had happened, just that I needed to get over it.  I spent 20 years of my adult life apologizing for things that they did to me, because I didn't know how to make it stop any other way.  I am currently NC with both of them now, and have found that some family members love me and accept that this is the best choice for my and my family and some still want to blame me for what is wrong and say I've turned my back on them.

I was recently sent two very derogatory emails from my great aunt and her daughter.  They told me how horrible I am and how I'm setting an awful example for my children and that my kids will never be the same without their grandmother and aunt.  My aunt wrote that she was told that I won't give them any reason for the NC and that she demands to know exact details.  I wrote them both back very generic answers.  I don't think if I told them the truth about what has gone on that they would accept it, or me.  It hurts so much but I know that if I engage with them, it will get back to my uBPDm and uBPD sister and it just won't end. 

I don't know if not explaining what happened was right or not.  But I feel like you know who will listen to you and care about your wellbeing and who is only looking out for your mom.  If your aunt really is trying to help you and wants to listen, then I think you should trust her.

[Louise7777]

What a coincidence, my 2 uBPDs are 2 out of 5. 

In my limited experience, people dont validate us. My own mom, knowing whats going on for decades still gives me the "you have to forgive". Seriously, this enrages me and I ended up telling her she must be BPD too... .

I hope your aunt understands and validates you, but be prepared for something not so nice, just in case. I have seen that people just dont want to see the reality. And somehow, they are control freaks too: they want you to behave in a certain way to "keep the peace". Keeping the peace = submitting to the BPD, so the relative (enabler) doesnt get in the line of fire.

This has happened to me when I went NC. One of her daughters came to me saying Im supposed to listen to her mom on the phone. I didnt even have to answer, just listen (!). Well, to me that translated as: "you are not giving her attention, so now shes bothering me more than usual, go back to your old self right now!"

Now Im NC with that cousin too and couldnt be happier. 

[Linda Maria]

Hi Kookaburra!  Wow - this is a really hard one.  Difficult to know without knowing how your aunt really feels.  If she is a reasonable person, wanting the best for both of you, and open-minded - probably worth trying to explain to her.  But if she is just trying to get you to solve the problem, maybe because your mom is now driving her nuts, then it may be futile.  But worth giving a go.  Just don't have too high expectations.   She may well have been completely manipulated, and find it very hard to believe what you say.   I found that the close family friends my sister had told the mad lies to, while they were still fine with me, obviously found it hard to know who was telling the truth.  The last time I saw them, I brought with me an email that an estate agent had sent me - showing clearly how my sister has been jerking them around and lying, because she is doing everything possible to prevent the sale of my late mother's house.  I didn't really want to sit there telling them all the nasty things she has said and done, because it does sound bizarre, and it probably makes them feel really uncomfortable, but when you have black and white, objective evidence - from a third party, it makes you feel better - because it shows it is not you.  So if you have any texts or emails that clearly show the sort of mad nasty things your mom says, and you are comfortable sharing, that may help.  It cuts through all the he said/she said stuff - and is just clear evidence that there is something wrong.  Difficult to refute that sort of evidence.  But the fact that your aunt is reaching out is a positive thing, so as I say, keep an open mind, but if she's clearly not going to be receptive to your side, and the fact that there may be a problem, then fine, she can't help you.  Given it's so tough to understand when you're the target, for people outside, being told goodness knows what, must make it incomprehensible for them!  Good luck.  JB

[P.F.Change]

In terms of how to go about bringing up your side of things, you might start with specific behaviors that have been problematic for you and how you feel as a result.  It is up to you whether you bring up the possibility of your mother having a mental disorder--I do not know how your aunt will respond to that. I recommend you avoid JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining) about your decisions, and express them confidently in terms of what you need and that you are doing what is best for you right now. This might help a little in terms of that: How to stop circular arguments

I hope your aunt understands and validates you, but be prepared for something not so nice, just in case.

I think that's how I feel, too. Do you know where your boundaries are in case your aunt wants to argue with you or pressure you to alter your choices? You can practice saying things like, "Thanks for your concern, and I am capable of making my own decisions."

Wishing you peace,

PF

edit: Just realized today is Saturday. Have you already met with your aunt? How did things go?

[kookaburra13]

The talk today went really well!  (this is my aunt who is not my mom's sister, she is a married-in aunt btw)  We ended up talking for about 4 hours.  I told her a lot about my childhood and she was very empathetic and understanding.  She told me she could tell that there was something off, but she did not realize how bad it is.  She was really open to understanding and she realizes a lot of truth now instead of the lies my mother said.  She told me a lot of positive things and I even gave her the book "stop walking on eggshells" so that she could read and learn more.  She assured me that she is going to try to help and that she is here for me and that she was sorry she wasn't there before.  I definitely feel like I haven't lost my entire family like I did before, and I might try to reach out to other members of my family.  thank you all for your support!

[P.F.Change]

That sounds like a really positive experience, kookaburra13. I'm glad you were able to receive some validation from a family member. 

[Linda Maria]

That is really great news kookaburra!  It must make you feel better to know there is someone who understands at least a bit - if your aunt realises there is something wrong that is the main thing.  There's no point in worrying if she believes every little thing - the main thing is that she knows there is a problem.  Well done, glad you have this source of support.  JB

[claudiaduffy]

Kookaburra, I'm so glad. That's the best possible outcome I was hoping for you! I'm praying for continued wisdom on your part and your aunt's as you both learn more and forge your own paths in dealing with your mom.