he broke up with me, but doesn't want to lose me

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

my exBPD broke up with me almost two weeks ago. i later found out he cheated on me with his ex before our breakup and his since returned to her. now, he denies they are together. he says he still has feelings for me, but refuses to work on our relationship. i said i will respect his "new relationship" and walk away, which infuriates him. he doesn't want me to walk away; he doesn't want to lose me. we were in the process of moving in together and he says he still wants to live with me.

i am a very rational person, but his words and actions are incongruent. i don't understand why he is so afraid of losing me when he broke up with me in the first place.

[pieceofme]

my exBPD broke up with me almost two weeks ago. i later found out he cheated on me with his ex before our breakup and his since returned to her. now, he denies they are together. he says he still has feelings for me, but refuses to work on our relationship. i said i will respect his "new relationship" and walk away, which infuriates him. he doesn't want me to walk away; he doesn't want to lose me. we were in the process of moving in together and he says he still wants to live with me.

i am a very rational person, but his words and actions are incongruent. i don't understand why he is so afraid of losing me when he broke up with me in the first place.

[Emelie Emelie]

Welcome to the wild and crazy world of BPD behavior.  After my first break up, initiated by him, he went absolutely nuts when he found out I was dating.  They want you there if they need you.  So they'll try and maintain a connection.  It's about security.

[swiftkick]

When we were dating, my soon to be ex husband would become angry when he saw I had taken down photos of us (we have a son together, so pick up and drop off meant at times he would step into my house) or when I would give him a bag of his things I found around the house.  He initiated the break-up, yet he wanted to dictate how I chose to get over him.  His comment, "it's like you just want to erase me from your life!"  Well, yeah, that was kind of the idea.   

It's your life, pieceofme, don't let him take anymore of it from you. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, mine too.  In the world of borderline attachments, if a borderline gets too close they feel engulfed, they lose themselves, a byproduct of not having a self of their own, and if they get too far, they feel abandoned, with the only contentment happening briefly on the fence straddling the two, which is what they are striving for.  So sure, not being in a committed, monogamous, exclusive relationship, which would cause feelings of engulfment, and not losing us entirely, abandonment, makes perfect sense from inside the pathology, but is bullsht to those of us a little more ordered.  And to top it off, the location of the fence is continually moving, impossible to predict, even for a borderline, like playing emotional Whack-A-Mole.

So even if we were willing to try and accommodate that crap, because we care, it's best to focus on what's best for us, since we are surely the only ones who will.  Take care of you!

[Trent]

we were in the process of moving in together

This + what fromheeltoheal said.  Moving in together is engulfment for the pwBPD, so they have to do something to ease the pain/push you away... .like cheating.  Once you've been pushed away too far, they try to pull you back in (push/pull).  He won't let go of you; he needs the validation and reassurance that your contact/presence brings.  It will be entirely up to you to take the steps needed to break free from this person, as continued contact will only erode your fortitude.

[mitchell16]

pieceofme, this i found or atleast with my BPDexgf was very common. she would break up with me, tell me to move on with my life, start dating other people and that she never wanted to hear from me again. I would give her a week or so to change her mind, try to communicate with her and she would tell me to stop and move on. I then would try, I would stop responding whne she did commintcate and I did try to date. Once we would recycle, she asked did I date anybody and of course I would tell I had went on a few dates. and She would have a come apart, tell me how I cheated on her, I how I never really loved her etc... Now of course if she dated someone it was suppsoed to be ok. If i spoke to another women I was a cheater and lowest thing in the worl. Once We went over 2 months with almost no contact and i dated one lady 2 times, dinner and movie. I never heard teh end of it. So yes they expect to control your life even when they throw you away.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

"It's like you just want to erase me from your life!" - boy, is that familiar.  They really are similarly disordered.  Ick.

[willtimeheal]

pieceofme, this i found or atleast with my BPDexgf was very common. she would break up with me, tell me to move on with my life, start dating other people and that she never wanted to hear from me again. I would give her a week or so to change her mind, try to communicate with her and she would tell me to stop and move on. I then would try, I would stop responding whne she did commintcate and I did try to date. Once we would recycle, she asked did I date anybody and of course I would tell I had went on a few dates. and She would have a come apart, tell me how I cheated on her, I how I never really loved her etc... Now of course if she dated someone it was suppsoed to be ok. If i spoke to another women I was a cheater and lowest thing in the worl. Once We went over 2 months with almost no contact and i dated one lady 2 times, dinner and movie. I never heard teh end of it. So yes they expect to control your life even when they throw you away.

My BPD got engaged and I was a liar and cheater because I decided to start dating again once she told me she got engaged and was having her new love move in with her and her kids.

Then there is always the famous line... ."can't we still be best friends."

Once they grab on they don't let go... .You are viewed more as a possession than a person. It keeps the emotion out of it.

[fromheeltoheal]

You are viewed more as a possession than a person.

 More like an attachment in the psyche of a borderline, someone to complete them, to make them whole, to recreate that earliest attachment to their mother that they never successfully detached from, of course they don't know that, only how it feels.  And add the inability to connect with an adult emotionally, due to underdevelopment, and certainly not know how an adult feels, and it all seems cold, callous and mean, the only consolation being they are as confused about it as we are.

[swiftkick]

You are viewed more as a possession than a person.  More like an attachment in the psyche of a borderline, someone to complete them, to make them whole, to recreate that earliest attachment to their mother that they never successfully detached from, of course they don't know that, only how it feels.  And add the inability to connect with an adult emotionally, due to underdevelopment, and certainly not know how an adult feels, and it all seems cold, callous and mean, the only consolation being they are as confused about it as we are.

Is THIS why he punishes his mother?  Because he feels like he can't detach or because he feels that she abandoned him?  Still trying to figure this one out if possible.

[myself]

PwBPD don't feel very good about themselves.

They feel (temporarily) better if we still want them.

They think they aren't being seen as bad then.

[fromheeltoheal]

You are viewed more as a possession than a person.

 More like an attachment in the psyche of a borderline, someone to complete them, to make them whole, to recreate that earliest attachment to their mother that they never successfully detached from, of course they don't know that, only how it feels.  And add the inability to connect with an adult emotionally, due to underdevelopment, and certainly not know how an adult feels, and it all seems cold, callous and mean, the only consolation being they are as confused about it as we are.

Is THIS why he punishes his mother?  Because he feels like he can't detach or because he feels that she abandoned him?  Still trying to figure this one out if possible.

Standard borderline: before we are born and slightly thereafter, we cannot distinguish between ourselves and our mother; to us we are one person, which isn't a stretch since we're inside her.  At some point we begin to realize a 'separateness', a 'me' and a 'her', and then realize the possibility that she may leave and not come back, that we'll be abandoned.  At some point she does, if only for a minute, leaves us in our crib and goes in another room for example, and we experience abandonment panic, and then depression.  Most of us weather that just fine, in fact it is a normal part of development, part of us becoming our own 'self', our individuality, separate from others.  A borderline never goes through that, for whatever reason, there seem to be many, so they get stuck at the panic of potential abandonment, and the need to be 'fused' with someone else to become 'whole'.  Hence the whole fear of abandonment and need to attach that spawns the behaviors.  And all of that happens before we have the ability to reason, so it gets hardwired into our personality, both ours and a borderline's.  Plus, not going through the abandonment depression stops development, which explains the childlike emotional state of our exes.

What that has to do with his modern-day relationship with his mother I can't say, although I would say there's a good chance she's borderline too; families share these things.  My ex hated her mother and had no relationship with her, but there were many levels to that, too deep for me to mess with.  Then again, I don't get along with my mother very well either, although I love her.  Humans man, confusing... .

[pieceofme]

thank you for all of the feedback! i suspected he had a personality disorder for months; i just wasn't sure what exactly. i was actually waiting for him to "freak out" about moving in together, and sure enough... .he instigated the ugliest fight i've ever experienced in my life. i now understand this was the byproduct of engulfment.

he continued this strange push/pull behavior over the weekend. last night, i told him i was leaving my mother's (in our hometown, where he is still living) to return to our home (six hours away). he was absolutely livid that i hadn't told him i was in town. i explained that he broke up with me and said he didn't want to be with me, see me, etc. his response was, "wow, ok," as if he never said such things. he told me he was "upset and hurt," because he never expected me to not want to see him. he completely painted himself the victim, even claiming he had been missing me and wanted to see me.

as much as i now expect this crazy-making behavior, i still find myself shocked by his reactions

[pieceofme]

fromheeltoheal, my ex hated his mother, too. from my observation, they had a very high-conflict relationship. at one point, i became a point of contention between them (for a reason unknown to me). i explained to him that i didn't want to come between them and he said, rather matter-of-factly, that he could cut his mother out of his life, because he had done it many times before. he even bragged that he could "walk away from anyone." if that wasn't a red flag, i don't know what is!

[camuse]

So desperate to be friends, the last thing she said was that she was so scared of losing me, she felt physically sick at the thought. I didn't reply to that and 6 weeks have passed now, and I haven't heard one word from her. Presumably she found a replacement, but she can't really miss me much at all, and certainly doesnt care how I'm doing. I know this of course, but it's still sad to see it for real - even though it has made NC so easy. She doesnt even know I've gone NC since she hasn't been in touch, I suppose. I'd have liked to have heard form her so I could prove I could not reply, I suppose. But she is able to just forget me, even after saying that. Its all so messed up, I can't really believe I loved someone like that.

[fromheeltoheal]

So desperate to be friends, the last thing she said was that she was so scared of losing me, she felt physically sick at the thought. I didn't reply to that and 6 weeks have passed now, and I haven't heard one word from her. Presumably she found a replacement, but she can't really miss me much at all, and certainly doesnt care how I'm doing. I know this of course, but it's still sad to see it for real - even though it has made NC so easy. She doesnt even know I've gone NC since she hasn't been in touch, I suppose. I'd have liked to have heard form her so I could prove I could not reply, I suppose. But she is able to just forget me, even after saying that. Its all so messed up, I can't really believe I loved someone like that.

Through the lens of a borderline, that all makes sense: she felt physically sick because the worst thing that could ever happen to her, abandonment, happened, a replaying of that earliest trauma.  So, lose an attachment, get another one, something a borderline is expert at, they have to be to survive.  But she didn't forget you, probably feels shame over the whole thing, she's just found another attachment, we're all interchangeable that way.  And we don't mean more because a borderline stops developing when the trauma that created the disorder occurred, so she is literally incapable of adult connection.

Cut yourself some slack though.  I don't think any of us here knew the person we were getting involved with had a serious mental illness; would we have even started anything at all if it was tattooed on their forehead?  The big questions moving forward are why did we stay?  Why did we ignore completely unacceptable behaviors?  Why did we tolerate disrespect and abuse?  The only useless pain is the pain we don't use to learn and grow.  Fertile field for growth in the answers to those questions, might as well use the pain to get busy; it's far better on the other side.

[Popcorn71]

fromheeltoheal, my ex hated his mother, too. from my observation, they had a very high-conflict relationship.

he said, rather matter-of-factly, that he could cut his mother out of his life,

if that wasn't a red flag, i don't know what is!

Same here!  I thought that was very strange

[DownandOut]

So desperate to be friends, the last thing she said was that she was so scared of losing me, she felt physically sick at the thought. I didn't reply to that and 6 weeks have passed now, and I haven't heard one word from her. Presumably she found a replacement, but she can't really miss me much at all, and certainly doesnt care how I'm doing. I know this of course, but it's still sad to see it for real - even though it has made NC so easy. She doesnt even know I've gone NC since she hasn't been in touch, I suppose. I'd have liked to have heard form her so I could prove I could not reply, I suppose. But she is able to just forget me, even after saying that. Its all so messed up, I can't really believe I loved someone like that.

Been there! She said the same thing to me "I don't want to lose you, I get sick thinking about it." I'm going on a year NC and I haven't gotten as much as a text. I don't know what to make of that, but I agree with what heeltoheal said, " she didn't forget you, probably feels shame over the whole thing, she's just found another attachment, we're all interchangeable that way. " My grief always stemmed from the metaphorical death of someone whom I loved and admired and  the dreams that died with her. But they think of us, maybe not as much as we think of them, they do.

[camuse]

Cut yourself some slack though.  I don't think any of us here knew the person we were getting involved with had a serious mental illness; would we have even started anything at all if it was tattooed on their forehead?  The big questions moving forward are why did we stay?  Why did we ignore completely unacceptable behaviors?  Why did we tolerate disrespect and abuse?  The only useless pain is the pain we don't use to learn and grow.  Fertile field for growth in the answers to those questions, might as well use the pain to get busy; it's far better on the other side.

Thanks for your post. You are right I had no idea of what was really taking place, but I did tolerate abuse - because I thought it was all down to me being a bad partner, not making her feel special, making her anxious, saying kind things about other people without saying something king about her straight away to make it clear she wasn't second best, and above all not 'getting over' her rages instantly. When I pointed out she would remain angry over things for months on end, so it wasn't really fair to expect me to be ok again straight after a massive rage, she just said "A man should be stronger than a woman." And I thought, yes of course. What a pathetic man I must be!

My failing was not having the confidence to realise she was being unreasonable, to assume I must always be the cause of any problem and that even if I was in the wrong, that that justified a massive over the top enraged tantrum-like reaction and weeks or even months of sulking, where a normal adult would say "I was upset about what you did/said earlier" and a calm conversation and discussion would ensue.

The hardest thing for me to accept from it all is that I didn't realise how little self-confidence and self-esteem I had. I thought I was a confident, independent self-assured guy, but I ended up thinking I deserved all this, and that I couldn't do any better than her, that I was the terrible selfish person in the wrong. It's scary, that I might take that into the next relationship if I don't take very good care in future.

[BacknthSaddle]

Through the lens of a borderline, that all makes sense: she felt physically sick because the worst thing that could ever happen to her, abandonment, happened, a replaying of that earliest trauma.  So, lose an attachment, get another one, something a borderline is expert at, they have to be to survive.  But she didn't forget you, probably feels shame over the whole thing, she's just found another attachment, we're all interchangeable that way.  And we don't mean more because a borderline stops developing when the trauma that created the disorder occurred, so she is literally incapable of adult connection.

Cut yourself some slack though.  I don't think any of us here knew the person we were getting involved with had a serious mental illness; would we have even started anything at all if it was tattooed on their forehead?  The big questions moving forward are why did we stay?  Why did we ignore completely unacceptable behaviors?  Why did we tolerate disrespect and abuse?  The only useless pain is the pain we don't use to learn and grow.  Fertile field for growth in the answers to those questions, might as well use the pain to get busy; it's far better on the other side.

Very good thread with a lot of experiences I think many here share.  I agree that the lack of contact from her is likely driven more by shame than the idea that she "forgot you." Post-breakup my ex contacted me frequently wanting her "best friend back," but she would insist on acting as if we never really had a relationship and would get upset and insulting if I brought the issue up (e.g. if I pointed out that friendships with people with whom you've been romantically involved are often difficult, or that I didn't want to hear about her sex life with her boyfriend, she would call me "obsessed".  The last time we talked she actually said to me "it was something, but I'm so ashamed of that time that I'm just blocking it out completely." She explained her own dissociation to me!  So yes, her memory isn't the issue.

And yes, since our break-up, we have probably had maybe 2 conversations that could be regarded as remotely "friendly."  She has literally no interest in me, my interests, or my life.  We fight in an ugly manner often.  Yet, when I say I don't want to be friends, she is baffled, angry, accusatory, guilt-tripping, and so forth.  She broke up with me, but when I said I thought we shouldn't stay in contact, she said "fine, I've suffered all kinds of losses, take care," as if she didn't expect to lose anything when breaking up!  Then of course she continued to text.

Attachments are everything to them.  They are all fragile, and they could all disappear at any time, and thus there will be no self left to fuse with and they will be utterly abandoned, their worst, most primal fear.  So they will try to keep you around no matter what.  In the truest sense of the phrase, it has nothing to do with you. 

[hurting300]

Mine stopped talking to me four months ago. She completely disappeared. I want to hear from her. I'm not sure if this is punishment or what...