the most important question

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

i think this is gonna be the most important question that i am going to ask on this board. why did i need her idealization ? why did i long for it during devaluation and after she left ? some people say that if you love and accept yourself enough you will not need it. i tend to disagree. nobody on this earth can self satisfy him\herself as much as a borderline satisfies your ego during the idealization phase except if you are narcissist and you feed yourself with grandiose. even narcissists could fall for them. i was not stupid not see the red flags specially that they were severe in my case with a partner of 29 years old and she has 3 ex-fiances, 1 ex-husband, 3 ex-bfs and 2 abortions. this is only her relationship life not to mention other numerous red flags. i did not ignore her relationships' history as much as i accepted it. her relationships' history was not compatible with her attitude during the idealization phase but she was very honest about it. that's why i thought she changed. i was never appreciated, loved or accepted by anyone in my life as much as i was by her during the idealization phase. i think that even if you have had perfect parents and life you would not feel this ecstasy during communicating with anyone as much as you feel it during the idealization phase. what do you think ?

[antjs]

i think this is gonna be the most important question that i am going to ask on this board. why did i need her idealization ? why did i long for it during devaluation and after she left ? some people say that if you love and accept yourself enough you will not need it. i tend to disagree. nobody on this earth can self satisfy him\herself as much as a borderline satisfies your ego during the idealization phase except if you are narcissist and you feed yourself with grandiose. even narcissists could fall for them. i was not stupid not see the red flags specially that they were severe in my case with a partner of 29 years old and she has 3 ex-fiances, 1 ex-husband, 3 ex-bfs and 2 abortions. this is only her relationship life not to mention other numerous red flags. i did not ignore her relationships' history as much as i accepted it. her relationships' history was not compatible with her attitude during the idealization phase but she was very honest about it. that's why i thought she changed. i was never appreciated, loved or accepted by anyone in my life as much as i was by her during the idealization phase. i think that even if you have had perfect parents and life you would not feel this ecstasy during communicating with anyone as much as you feel it during the idealization phase. what do you think ?

[Popcorn71]

nobody on this earth can self satisfy him\herself as much as a borderline satisfies your ego during the idealization phase

i was never appreciated, loved or accepted by anyone in my life as much as i was by her during the idealization phase.

i think that even if you have had perfect parents and life you would not feel this ecstasy during communicating with anyone as much as you feel it during the idealization phase.

I understand completely, what you are saying.  In fact, just before I was dumped, I tried to explain to my daughter, that although people couldn't understand why I was with him, I felt so loved by my exBPDh.  I told her that he accepted me for being me and that i was totally loved by him.  I now know that he had me fooled!

I don't know why I needed that 'love'.  Looking back, he didn't actually treat me very lovingly a lot of the time.  So what did I think I was getting?  I still don't know.

It's a good question.

[seeking balance]

i was never appreciated, loved or accepted by anyone in my life as much as i was by her during the idealization phase.

Ok - you also showed this to her too - she mirrored the best of you.

How well versed are you in Radical Acceptance as a concept AJ?  

[Turkish]

i think this is gonna be the most important question that i am going to ask on this board. why did i need her idealization ? why did i long for it during devaluation and after she left ? some people say that if you love and accept yourself enough you will not need it. i tend to disagree.

The idealization of my uBPDx felt good at first, but then it felt weird. I chalked it up to me having a low self esteem (partially true). She would even get on my case a little if I questioned some of her compliments of me. Very confusing.

Idealization is objectification (or to use a religious term, idolatry). Perhaps I did the same thing, thinking, "this is what love is." maybe never having been shown healthy love, I didn't know the difference, despite being consciously aware of the   from the beginning.

[seeking balance]

I felt so loved by my exBPDh.  I told her that he accepted me for being me and that i was totally loved by him. 

Feelings are not Facts - this is an alanon concept that I found helpful in my recovery here.

Are you sure it wasn't you showing him all the love and compassion you always wanted and he didn't mirror you, you saw you - not him.  Mirroring our core needs creates a very powerful attachment.

[antjs]

i was never appreciated, loved or accepted by anyone in my life as much as i was by her during the idealization phase.

Ok - you also showed this to her too - she mirrored the best of you.

How well versed are you in Radical Acceptance as a concept AJ?  

I radically accept who she really is and her need for survival. I also accept me as i can really see now. i was not supplied with enough emotions as a child. i was never validated. i radically accept this and working on myself.

[KeepOnGoing]

I think the idealization phase is just delicious. It's what I crave! It's a drug... .like heroin.

My therapist says I am recreating trauma repetition from childhood. In other words, I did not get this idealization or feeling of self worth or feeling of being good enough as a child. I've been chasing it ever since. So when I hook in with someone who makes me feel seen, heard, valued, loved, I can't get enough of it... .and the sad part is... .this seems to happen with people who are totally unavailable... .like BPDs... .because they are the perfect set up.

This constant hunger is an old, old tape. Like an old reel to reel that slaps around and around but never reaches the other reel so we can actually see the ending of a good romantic movie. It's messed up. It is apparently all I know. I am naturally drawn to those who are totally unavailable. They are unattainable. I will never get what I want,  and therefore what I do is slip into fantasy of who I THINK they are, and what I THINK might happen, and therefore I do nothing more than play out the trauma repitition until I WAKE UP.

Thank you for letting me share and vent.

[seeking balance]

This constant hunger is an old, old tape. Like an old reel to reel that slaps around and around but never reaches the other reel so we can actually see the ending of a good romantic movie. It's messed up. It is apparently all I know. I am naturally drawn to those who are totally unavailable. They are unattainable. I will never get what I want,  and therefore what I do is slip into fantasy of who I THINK they are, and what I THINK might happen, and therefore I do nothing more than play out the trauma repitition until I WAKE UP.

Thank you for letting me share and vent.

You can vent this wisdom anytime - good stuff 

[BuildingFromScratch]

Yeah, I really feel that I walked in a delusion of heaven on earth with her for a short period. The sky oozed, everything oozed pleasure and contentment. I've taken ecstasy before, this was better, . I do think it's a version of love that only god or a borderline can give a person. Because it's born of their delusions... .unfortunately deep down they know it's a lie, we don't.

[antjs]

When you date someone you’d like to change, you picture yourself dating the changed person — the new and improved version. And that’s fiction. It’s dangerous to idealize your partner because you start believing what you imagine. You give him traits or qualities he doesn’t actually possess. What you see is truly what you get. Yes, you can creatively invent a perfect partner in your mind, but guess who shows up at your front door for your date? And that's the reality you have to evaluate.

I think we had our share of delusions too. This is an abstract grom an article talking generally about why it is wrong to date someone you want to fix. Someone with "issues". In our case where a disorder is involved. I think that the idealization (supplied by our partner) helped us to build this delusion. Our delusion.

[Infared]

I think the idealization phase is just delicious. It's what I crave! It's a drug... .like heroin.

My therapist says I am recreating trauma repetition from childhood. In other words, I did not get this idealization or feeling of self worth or feeling of being good enough as a child. I've been chasing it ever since. So when I hook in with someone who makes me feel seen, heard, valued, loved, I can't get enough of it... .and the sad part is... .this seems to happen with people who are totally unavailable... .like BPDs... .because they are the perfect set up.

This constant hunger is an old, old tape. Like an old reel to reel that slaps around and around but never reaches the other reel so we can actually see the ending of a good romantic movie. It's messed up. It is apparently all I know. I am naturally drawn to those who are totally unavailable. They are unattainable. I will never get what I want,  and therefore what I do is slip into fantasy of who I THINK they are, and what I THINK might happen, and therefore I do nothing more than play out the trauma repitition until I WAKE UP.

Thank you for letting me share and vent.

WOW... .I think that is my truth.  It answers precisely the reason why AJ asks the question:

"i did not ignore her relationships' history as much as i accepted it. her relationships' history was not compatible with her attitude during the idealization phase but she was very honest about it. that's why i thought she changed. i was never appreciated, loved or accepted by anyone in my life as much as i was by her during the idealization phase. i think that even if you have had perfect parents and life you would not feel this ecstasy during communicating with anyone as much as you feel it during the idealization phase. what do you think ?"

I think our core being (soul) did not get that emotional love as children. I think it is also our make up (genetically). Our make up makes us more forgiving, but also more vulnerable...   My pwBPD was living with someone and having an affair with a married man with 4 children... .and interested in me?  Wasn't that all the information that I needed? ... .but I made the GIANT mistake of letting ANY of her words matter to me.

[antjs]

In conclusion, "healthier" people than us would enjoy the idealization phase as much as we did but their self discipline and respect will not allow them to proceed with so cause they are aware of the consequences. they would enjoy it as much as we did but they avoid it cause they do not need it as we do. they would just want it if it is beneficial (absence of red flags which is rhetorical incase of BPD [idealization can not be present without red flags]) . part of us (our intuition) screamed inside to avoid cause this part knows that our fate would be just like the 99 guys before us but our core need for this mirror was so potent. lessons learned here.