success after devaluation?

[Vexed]

My exBPDgf broke up with me 2 months ago, dated 3 different guys in that time and never stopped contacting me.  The last 6 months of our 2 year rs was pretty bad as far as the devaluation and things she said to me. 

Recently she has been waffling about getting back together, finally I decided I didn't want her back after she said some horrible things to me when I refused to take her on vacation for her birthday.  I'm guessing she sensed this as 2 days later she called, which was bad timing for me as I began to calm down and answered her call.  She wants to start over, she said she's sorry (basically first time ever), she's opening up with real feelings (very rare), and saying all the right things.  My stance was I might be willing to try if she begins in depth therapy (she admits she has issues, but doesn't think she is BPD).

Now I was optimistic for a minute, but I can't get over the 3 guys in 2 months, and I don't trust her at all.  I actually did up until the day she broke up with me. 

My question is, I've been devalued, is it too for me even with therapy?  Is there any coming back from that stage, even if she got better with therapy?  Anyone have a similar story that can tell me the ending?

Thanks for reading and good luck.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

My exBPDgf broke up with me 2 months ago, dated 3 different guys in that time and never stopped contacting me.  The last 6 months of our 2 year rs was pretty bad as far as the devaluation and things she said to me. 

Recently she has been waffling about getting back together, finally I decided I didn't want her back after she said some horrible things to me when I refused to take her on vacation for her birthday.  I'm guessing she sensed this as 2 days later she called, which was bad timing for me as I began to calm down and answered her call.  She wants to start over, she said she's sorry (basically first time ever), she's opening up with real feelings (very rare), and saying all the right things.  My stance was I might be willing to try if she begins in depth therapy (she admits she has issues, but doesn't think she is BPD).

Now I was optimistic for a minute, but I can't get over the 3 guys in 2 months, and I don't trust her at all.  I actually did up until the day she broke up with me. 

My question is, I've been devalued, is it too for me even with therapy?  Is there any coming back from that stage, even if she got better with therapy?  Anyone have a similar story that can tell me the ending?

Thanks for reading and good luck.

It's never too late!   

As you now understand... .there will be lots of challenges and nothing is guaranteed.  It sounds to me like that another way of saying you don't trust her... is that you now realize how big a deal this is... .and how big a hold the traits of this disorder have on her life.

It's good that you can talk about therapy and help for her.  Lots of people here never even get to that stage.

The place that I want you to put your hope and focus... .is YOU!  Because you can change you.  That will change the dynamic in the r/s.  And it is likely that those changes my help her to change as well.

What do you think your next step is?  Do you go to individual therapy?

[Vexed]

The place that I want you to put your hope and focus... .is YOU!  Because you can change you.  That will change the dynamic in the r/s.  And it is likely that those changes my help her to change as well.

What do you think your next step is?  Do you go to individual therapy?

Yeah, I plan to continue to better myself, I know I need to improve my self esteem, and I from reading this forum I know if I can do that if I lose her again ill probably be able to see it as a positive.

My ultimatum for her was she starts therapy now, she has never been against it but has put it off with excuses, and I have been lax about telling her to go, as when times are good I'm not thinking about it and when times are bad telling her she needs therapy is just a recipe for enraging her.

So she's willing to go, and I need to go individually as well.  I'm wondering if we should do couples  sessions as well?

I now realize there is a 0%, of this working out without therapy.  Until recently I thought she wasn't half as bad as some of the stories on here.  But I've lost almost all hope and this is my last shot/resort.   I don't know what the chances are with therapy, probably slim, and I don't know if she will actually try or just show up and play might games, but I'm willing to give it one last go.

I feel she has gotten worse and has some new bad habits (promiscuity), while my boundaries have tightened. So I'm not sure how it's supposed to work.  Thanks for the support.

[bruceli]

My exBPDgf broke up with me 2 months ago, dated 3 different guys in that time and never stopped contacting me.  The last 6 months of our 2 year rs was pretty bad as far as the devaluation and things she said to me. 

Recently she has been waffling about getting back together, finally I decided I didn't want her back after she said some horrible things to me when I refused to take her on vacation for her birthday.  I'm guessing she sensed this as 2 days later she called, which was bad timing for me as I began to calm down and answered her call.  She wants to start over, she said she's sorry (basically first time ever), she's opening up with real feelings (very rare), and saying all the right things.  My stance was I might be willing to try if she begins in depth therapy (she admits she has issues, but doesn't think she is BPD).

Now I was optimistic for a minute, but I can't get over the 3 guys in 2 months, and I don't trust her at all.  I actually did up until the day she broke up with me. 

My question is, I've been devalued, is it too for me even with therapy?  Is there any coming back from that stage, even if she got better with therapy?  Anyone have a similar story that can tell me the ending?

Thanks for reading and good luck.

The greater the challenge the greater the pull.  Even if it's all true and she goes to treatment and stays with it.  Are you willing to go through the long time it takes to do so.  Perhaps years?

[Vexed]

My exBPDgf broke up with me 2 months ago, dated 3 different guys in that time and never stopped contacting me.  The last 6 months of our 2 year rs was pretty bad as far as the devaluation and things she said to me. 

Recently she has been waffling about getting back together, finally I decided I didn't want her back after she said some horrible things to me when I refused to take her on vacation for her birthday.  I'm guessing she sensed this as 2 days later she called, which was bad timing for me as I began to calm down and answered her call.  She wants to start over, she said she's sorry (basically first time ever), she's opening up with real feelings (very rare), and saying all the right things.  My stance was I might be willing to try if she begins in depth therapy (she admits she has issues, but doesn't think she is BPD).

Now I was optimistic for a minute, but I can't get over the 3 guys in 2 months, and I don't trust her at all.  I actually did up until the day she broke up with me. 

My question is, I've been devalued, is it too for me even with therapy?  Is there any coming back from that stage, even if she got better with therapy?  Anyone have a similar story that can tell me the ending?

Thanks for reading and good luck.

The greater the challenge the greater the pull.  Even if it's all true and she goes to treatment and stays with it.  Are you willing to go through the long time it takes to do so.  Perhaps years?

Yes.  I can say I was, 100%.  Am I still? Im not sure yet, and absolutely not if she breaks up with me again.  I'm not going to let her penetrate my wall again for a long time.  But I think the question is will she be able to stick it out until (if) she gets better since I have been devalued, sure I'm white now, but I'm guessing I will be turned black sooner and much easier now.  I don't know if I can deal with the idea of her having sex with other men during our breakup now, but i certainly won't if it happens again.