My attorney has no strategy to deal with BPD

[Mudmom]

My attorney just seems unable to understand how my husband is functioning. We have no strategy other than waiting for him to act and then respond.

My husband is a defense attorney. One of his strategies is to object to everything. In letters from my attorney he simply refuses to answer questions he doesn't want to deal with. He has ruined our finances, refused to give me money for six months until court ordered support, continues to spend but refuses to pay our debts including taxes.

I haven't paid my attorney in months because I don't have money. He is refusing to go to mediation unless I agree to pay 50%, yet the courts have not granted me attorney fees, something my lawyer told me was standard in cases such as mine. So I have to pay my attorney while he is doing all the work for his who is a partner of his buddy.

My husband is quite adept at using money as a manipulative tool. We are court ordered to support one child. He refuses a simple way of dividing expenses and has me reimbusing him and him reimbursing me multiple times per month. But he decides what expenses he is reimbursing and will deduct from my monthly check what he thinks I am owed. I get checks when he wants and they have often been late, sometimes his checks have bounced. But there is no way to compel him to do anything differently without making a motion. Then he answers the motion. Then we respond. Then there could be oral argument. Then I owe another $10,000 or $15,000. Since I have begun getting support Ihave given my attorney $1000/month but they are worried that due to our debt they will never get paid. So they are noT interested in strategy, advising me to agree to pay 50% of mediation fees. They aren't looking to see his behavior no matter how often I try to say this action is on purpose. They feel non binding mediation will work and are not protecting me from his obstructionist behavior. So I will have no choice but to agree, will have big bill as he argues everything, then at the end will refuse everything unless he gets exactly what he wants. I offered to discuss mediator fees at mediation. Unacceptable. I have offered to take out a small loan to pay a portion. No go. So in the end I will pay and pay and still end up in court with huge fees for a trial. I am so exhausted with all this garbage and helping kids deal with his abusive behavior and communications. I want to run away.

[scraps66]

He's trying to starve you and spend asmuch as possible inthe process.  Destructive mentality. 

I went the "wait and see" road with my first L and it was not productive, stessful and ended up getting me kicked out of my house.  So I'm not a fan, and I think others will agree, that waiting adn the eerie silence is not a good thing.

You will need to get support fixed by the court ASAP and use an intermediary to take the money wihout the two of you needing to exchange between yourselves. 

Also, try to limit the amount of paper your L is manufacturing.  If nothing is happening, or your STBex is not responding to letters that cost you money in legal fees to make, then don't send letters.  May be better and cheaper to just file motions to deal with things in court than wrangle with an irrational litigant onthe other side.

Isolate your money and accoutns from his to the greatest extent possible.  No mixing of fudns or accoutns at this point.

Good luck. 

[Matt]

You are the boss.  Your attorney works for you.  He is obligated to answer your questions in a timely and accurate way, and to follow your instructions unless they're against the law or unethical.

Talk to some other lawyers and ask a lot of questions.  Tell them you are unhappy with your attorney and you need someone who will be a strong advocate for you.  Tell them openly about the $ issues;  they may be turned off because you're struggling to pay your current attorney but the right one will find a solution to that by getting the court to make your husband pay what he owes.

Many of us here have been jerked around by our attorneys, and many of us are too passive and let it happen.  (I did!)

Once you find the right attorney who will put your interests first, and will answer all your questions helpfully, things will start to get better.

[catnap]

Book:  Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. 

I found this to be a wonderful resource.  It also contains a section for attorneys.

A strategy is needed and a good attorney will ask you what you want and explain his/her strategy to achieve those goals. 

Does your attorney have any experience with high-conflict divorce?

[Matt]

Book:  Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. 

I found this to be a wonderful resource.  It also contains a section for attorneys.

A strategy is needed and a good attorney will ask you what you want and explain his/her strategy to achieve those goals. 

Does your attorney have any experience with high-conflict divorce?

Yeah, that's a great book - tons of very practical ideas based on real-world experience.

Eddy's web site also has some good articles:  www.HighConflictInstitute.com.

[Boss302]

I agree with everyone here - if your attorney isn't doing what you think needs to be done, then shop around. There are attorneys that specialize in high conflict cases with BPD spouses.

I had an attorney that didn't do a whole lot with my case at first - I would bring her documented examples of BPDx's bad acting (letting the kids live in filth, not sending them to school, etc) and she did nothing. She ended up on maternity leave and another attorney in her office took over, which was like night and day. Unfortunately, I ran out of money for an attorney and had to finish up the proceedings on my own, but I can tell you the second attorney was far more responsive and seemed to care a lot more.

And I think this must be said: attorney #1 was female, attorney #2 was male, and the second one seemed FAR more tuned in to the struggle of a single dad trying to do the best he could for his kids. I'd like to say gender has nothing to do with it... .but I think the reality is that it does.

But this is under YOUR control. If that attorney isn't working out, interview ones that might be better. IF you change, do it before he uses up all your retainer.

Also... .since your spouse is an attorney and seems to make a lot more than you do, have you considered asking the court to have him pay your attorney fees? I'm not sure how much he makes, but as a mortgage underwriter, I see divorce decrees all the time, and quite frequently, the spouse without resources is able to get this done, particularly if the other party is well off. In this case, if he's excessively litigious, then maybe knowing he'll have to pay for YOUR attorney to deal with all his motions will cool his heels. 

[Matt]

And I think this must be said: attorney #1 was female, attorney #2 was male, and the second one seemed FAR more tuned in to the struggle of a single dad trying to do the best he could for his kids. I'd like to say gender has nothing to do with it... .but I think the reality is that it does.

My first attorney was a youngish man, who made a very good impression - obviously smart, very professional, seemed to know what he was doing.

In fact he had lied to me - said he had experience with BPD and it became obvious he didn't - and he was completely unresponsive, unprepared, and unhelpful.  He made it clear he didn't believe everything I told him.  I waited too long to fire him.

My second attorney - I shopped around for someone who had experience with a BPDish opposing party and found a woman who was very no-nonsense and accepted what I told her as true.  As soon as she took the case, things got better.

Just for discussion, here are some criteria I would suggest, if you can find an attorney who meets them all:

* Experience with BPD - able to tell you "war stories" showing what he or she has learned in dealing with BPDish opposing parties.

* Buys into your objectives (though no attorney will give you guarantees).

* Answers your questions clearly - doesn't make you feel dumb for asking them.

* Responds in a timely way - if you leave a message you should get a call or e-mail back the same day or early the next day.

* Explains how the process works where you live - what options you have, how long things take, etc.

* Gives you a clear plan to achieve your goals.

If you can find somebody like that - and someone you just feel good about - you've got a winner.

Of those six criteria, my first attorney - though he was smart and polished - met none of them and got horrible results.

My second attorney more-or-less met them all and got much better results.