New Here, Elderly BPD Mother with Dementia

[brittle_star]

Hi.  I'm new to the boards.  I heard about BPD Family on another website and decided to check it out.  I realized my mother has BPD about 10 years ago, in my mid-30s.  It explained so much about her extreme behavior and my very confusing relationship with her.  I believe it was my therapist who recommended I read Understanding the Borderline Mother, which I did shortly after I realized my mother suffered from BPD.  It helped make so many things clear to me and is an excellent resource for anyone who has or had a mother with BPD.  

If you've read the book, you'll know what I mean when I say my mother is mostly the 'Hermit'-type of BPD mother, with elements of the 'Queen' type.  She's in her 90s now, with growing dementia and serious health issues that have her bedridden.  Life and aging have really brought her low and sapped a lot of her unpredictable but very forceful BPD 'fire.'  Now she falls into a depressive state more readily and is often prone to morose inactivity.  She's always looked for the negative and saw the negative side of life, but in her younger, more healthful years, she would fight against the negativity she saw by controlling me, and attempting to control her surroundings and others around her.  Now that life and aging have caught up with her, she can no longer fight it, so she just slips into depressive states and it takes a lot to get her out of it.  I believe her doctors have her on some anti-depressant meds, which helps.  But her BPD is a powerful thing and can sometimes get the better of the anti-depressants.

[imataloss]

Welcome brittle_star, glad you found your way to this site. I discovered it, as well as BPD, over 2 years ago and it's been of tremendous benefit to read and share experiences with others in the same boat.

My uBPD mom is also elderly (91 years old). I always pay special attention to posts by those dealing with an elderly pwBPD. I think there are unique circumstances and challenges in dealing with BPD in the latter stages of life. For one thing, the association with BPD usually isn't made until their latter years because the diagnosis wasn't even around when they were younger. Ever since late adolescence I've known my mother had some "abnormality." But I didn't know the cause of her mood swings, instability, and raging towards my father and myself over the years until discovering BPD.

I find your observations in the second paragraph of your post, about your mom's negativity in younger years being countered with a need to control, to be very insightful. My mother fell almost 3 months ago and fractured her vertebra. Since then I can see signs of dementia setting in that I hadn't noticed before. Her need to control every aspect of her life seems to have tempered because of her physical constraints. But that doesn't mean she isn't still trying to control as much as possible!

A couple of years ago I became friends with someone who I immediately realized I had much in common with (we're both only children, uBPD mothers, deceased enabling fathers, etc., etc.). Her mother is in advanced stages of dementia, and my friend commented that "dementia had been a blessing." Now that my mother seems to be heading there I can totally understand that comment.

I'd like to hear more about your current relationship with your mom, i.e., how involved are you in her care, how frequently do you have contact with her, are there other family members who share the burden, etc.

Once again, good to have you on board even though I know this isn't a ride you would have voluntarily chosen!

[Indie]

Hi brittle, welcome, and hi imataloss 

I am also a member of the "elderly BPD mother, single child (brother deceased), deceased father who simply shut down and let BPDm have her way" Club.   I joined this site only a few weeks ago when uBPDm was creating havoc for me, and I wasn't sure if it is dementia/cognitive, or if her age has eroded her prefrontal cortex, letting the PD (Queen with Witch) come through unattended! 

A recent incident in which she sent the police to our door late one Saturday night to confirm with my husband that I was dead (and had called friends and relatives around the country to inform them and wail) left me incredulous.   After speaking with some of those people, her doctor, and others, I do not believe it is dementia.

But WOW I wish it were!  I totally relate that a dementia diagnosis would be a huge relief.  Selfish?  I think about how everyone in the world would believe and empathize with her cruel behavior, instead of what I have been going through for 61 years now.  Which is, my mother being very very good at getting most people to buy that she is a wonderful mother, victimized by her bad child.  The bad child being bad because she (or he, in the case of my brother, who killed himself 24 years ago  :'(  ) actually would like to live a life in harmony of her authentic self and be loved for it or in spite of it,... .by their mother.   I know, it's a lovely dream.

Regarding the negativity/control, I am pondering that.  Prior to recent NC, I had seen a significant increase in my mother's negativity and attempts to control.  Her health though is relatively good so that may be the difference.  I  hope I am understanding what you both meant by that. 

Happy to have you both to compare notes with me.