No win situation(s)

[happydog921]

I have been NC with my uBPDsis since this May.  She had a very public rage incident directed at me during a party in my home last year (2013) after which we didn't speak for some time... .I've posted previously on this.  I realize now (after reading "... .Eggshells" and this forum) that I didn't really handle a response to that episode in a good way.  Essentially, I didn't establish and verbalize any boundaries with her and after a little while found that we were "talking" again, though I was careful not to really "talk" not to confide any true feelings.  I really was walking on eggshells around her for a number of months just to keep the peace in my family (father was very sick, ultimately died last Aug).  There was never a discussion of the hateful things she said and did, never an apology, she went on as if nothing happened and I continued, very guarded, which went unnoticed by her (because it's all about how SHE feels).  The facade continued until... .no surprise... .I broke one of the eggshells on which I was walking.  That was in May.

In May it was a no-win in that she knew I was in the area of her home and she invited my family over:  dam**d if you do, dam**d if you dont.  Well, I decided to try to keep the peace.  My husband and older son opted out.  My husband has witnessed each of her outbursts and is less willing to tolerate how she has treated me.  Long story short, I didn't even enter her house when I was met with an angry outburst of:  "why won't THEY come?," and "I'm not going to apologize to you and YOU owe ME an apology,"... .etc.  I, quite literally, did not say a word to her once the screaming started and I left.  A few angry text messages from her to which I didn't respond but in one-word answers and we've been NC since.  

Fast forwart to August.  Out of the blue, I get a text from her saying she's bought a new car and that she'd like to give her old one to my oldest son.  Our children have, historically, been very close... .when she doesn't keep them apart when she's angry with me... .another part pf the story. So, what to do.  :)am**d if we take it, Dam**d if we don't .  The entire decision making process involved how our decision would be recieved by her.  I do believe that she wants to do something nice for my son (she does love my children) and I do think that this is an attempt by her to extend an olive branch.  I'm inclined to keep my boundaries until such a time that I can see that she's made a committment to therapy or is getting some kind of help (her husband is a complete enabler and won't even SUGGEST to her she seek counseling---though to me and my mother, he will agree that she needs help).  So now, what to do?  We said we would accept her gift and now I'll have to see her tomorrow for the first time in months.  I want to keep this like a business transaction and just fill out the paperwork at DMV and get on with our lives.  I fear that the request to visit at her home might come up and I have to just say NO.  This will fan her flames... .and after she just did something for US!  

Dam**d if I do, Dam**d if I don't.  Any advice?

[Kwamina]

Hi happydog921

We all gotta learn how to deal with our BPD loved ones, mostly when we're adults already, unfortunately we aren't born with the knowledge and skills required to handle this difficult disorder.

In May it was a no-win in that she knew I was in the area of her home and she invited my family over:  dam**d if you do, dam**d if you dont.  Well, I decided to try to keep the peace.  My husband and older son opted out.  My husband has witnessed each of her outbursts and is less willing to tolerate how she has treated me.  Long story short, I didn't even enter her house when I was met with an angry outburst of:  "why won't THEY come?," and "I'm not going to apologize to you and YOU owe ME an apology,"... .etc.  I, quite literally, did not say a word to her once the screaming started and I left.  A few angry text messages from her to which I didn't respond but in one-word answers and we've been NC since.  

You may have felt like you didn't handle your sister adequately before, but I must say that in my opinion you handled this particular situation excellently. When someone with BPD starts raging and screaming like that it's often nearly impossible to get through them. The best thing you can do then is immediately end the interaction and distance yourself from the situation like you did. This also gets you away from the  bombardment of verbal abuse and hurtful remarks and prevents you from getting provoked to retaliate.

So now, what to do?  We said we would accept her gift and now I'll have to see her tomorrow for the first time in months.  I want to keep this like a business transaction and just fill out the paperwork at DMV and get on with our lives.  I fear that the request to visit at her home might come up and I have to just say NO.  This will fan her flames... .and after she just did something for US!  

I must say that this is a very difficult situation. My first instinct would be to refuse the gift but like you say yourself: d@mned if you and d@mned if you don't. Do you feel like her giving this car is a genuine attempt at an olive branch or just an attempt to manipulate you in breaking NC so the abuse can start all over again? I think the point you make about keeping your boundaries until she's made a commitment to therapy is very wise. Not only to protect yourself but also your children from any possible volatile behavior from your sister. I understand that you want to keep this like a business like transaction but from my own experiences with an uBPD sis and mom, I suspect it's highly likely that your sister won't just see this as a business transaction.

I don't have any real further advice, just to keep in mind the likely scenarios that would play out after this 'transaction' and carefully weight the costs and benefits to you and your family. Whatever you decide to do, I'm very interested in how your sister will react.

[Kwamina]

Sorry, clicked the wrong button  Anyway take care and I hope you'll be able to deal with your sister.

[happydog921]

Thanks for your reply.  We will see how things go today.  It is interesting that you ask whether her gift is an olive branch or another manipulation... .i hadn't considered that possibility,  but it could be!  I will be taking your advice and playing possible scenarios in my head before hand to try to be prepared for whatever gets thrown at me!  Thanks again.

[Seoulsister]

You're right, it is a no win situation. Though it may seem like an olive branch, I would be wary. I know with my uBPD family member, nothing from her comes without strings attached. Gifts she gives inevitably come up in the future and (at least with my uBPD) she uses said gift as a free pass when there's bad behavior. "I do so much for you... .how can you be mad?"

Good luck with your meeting today! I hope it goes well.

[Linda Maria]

Hi Happy dog!  I would agree with the others, and while I hope I'm wrong, there's always strings attached with my uBPDsis.  If the car wasn't for your son, I doubt you would even consider breaking NC.  Instead of being able to consider it as a normal offer, a nice gesture and why not, you have had to spend ages thinking about her, about the effect your decision would have on her.  That is not a normal situation - and you have been plunged back into the state of having to worry about her, think about her etc.  So once again  - she has created an awkward situation which leaves you with fears it could backfire on you.  I wish you well with your decision and will be interested to hear how it goes.  I really hope it goes well if you accept, I don't doubt she loves your children, so good luck with it.  JB

[Emma Yadkin]

Hi Happy Dog,

It's been years since I last logged on here, so forgive me if my terminology is dated.

OK, seems like my old terminology gets auto-changed.

While I don't know the reason for the change to this board, I'm not a fan of censoring posts, so I'll be on my way.

Good luck with your dealings Happy Dog.

[happydog921]

So, the day was pretty uneventful. Everyone put on their good behavior, including uBPDsis.  Was quite a show.

Uncomfortable.   Not real.  Not loving.  Not happy.

[happydog921]

I'm figuring the excitement will start when she realizes that things do not automatically revert to the way they were... .God help me.

[Harri]

Hi Happydog, I am glad things were uneventful today. 

I'm figuring the excitement will start when she realizes that things do not automatically revert to the way they were... .God help me.

Do you think practicing replies for different scenarios will help you feel better?  You most likely know what her triggers are and her most likely next moves etc, so it should be easy to anticipate and prepare rather than be blind-sided.  What do you think?

[Barbara Smith]

I also received a gift from my sister that I considered to be a manipulation although I could not express exactly why I believed it.  Thanks for putting this into words.  I will say that I eventually sent the gift back which she was not happy about. I hope this ends up well, especially for your son's sake.