I think my adult son has BPD. So devastated.

[Momtomany]

I'm new here. I grew up with a BPD mom. I'm no stranger to explosive rages, manipulation , narcissism etc. it took many years to finally recognise her issues & stop blaming myself. My family & I have had n/c with her for many years with the exception of our oldest son.

He's the problem.

Has been difficult from day 1. At 6 yo he was diagnosed with ADHD. Ritalin helped, a lot. But as he grew he also became more & more oppositional defiant. Stopped Ritalin 14/15. Refused to take it or anything else. Claimed we his parents had issues not him.

His school life has been difficult, thrown out repeatedly for bad behaviour. Somehow got his way to college (he's bright despite being lazy), where he slept all day & partied all night. He spent all his allowance (wouldn't hold down a job) & then would borrow money from others & never pay back.

We weren't aware of most of this, his siblings knew somewhat but protected him & us.

On the occasions he would return home things would spiral out of control rapidly. He'd be out at all hours & would not respect house rules. Several times we would lock him out but he'd just bang the door & scream outside to attract attention. He got hold of my cc number & started using that, so I had to cancel my cc.  He lives in dreamland of getting his dream job which makes loads of money & doesn't require an 8 hour day.

When he recently married we hoped that he would settle down & actually start working. I know, we also live in dreamland. First he wasted $14k of their wedding money on living expenses (instead of working) , then he started asking us for money as his wife's salary isn't enough. But nothing is ever enough. So fool that I am I started paying for their grocery shopping but only till he got work. Problem is that he didn't . So I stopped. He threw one of his classic fits about me being cruel & controlling etc etc. about how the lack of money is bad for his marriage... .

I told him that he needs to earn his own way & that I'm not enabling his laziness any longer.

I'm omitting the full abuse he heaped upon me.

Anyway, our next child is getting married shortly & DS wants us to fly him to the wedding.

He has no money & expects us to pay. Fine. But this is after he heaped abuse on me & I know from past experience that he will ruin our family atmosphere with his tantrums & arguments.

I don't want him there. The child getting married isn't much interested either. The other kids think that he will ruin everyone's time. DH is adamant we don't pay for him to come.

Still I'm his mother. I'm in physical pain from the anguish he causes us. Maybe I'm a sucker for punishment? He manipulates that.

I'm lost & devastated. Don't know what to do. His childhood & teen years were filled with physiologist & child psychiatrist visits. He had even called doctors names or turned charming claiming his parents had issues not him!

I guess I need some support & direction in how to deal with him.

DH is much better than me, doesn't get emotional but I'm his mother & I see him being a reincarnation of the mom I thought I broke free from.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[free-n-clear]

   Hello, Momtomany. Welcome to our not-so-little family.

  I'm so sorry to hear of the heartbreaking situation you are in. As a parent myself (my daughter is 24), I understand how painful it must be for you to have to deal with this, especially having grown up with many of the same behaviours exhibited by your Mum.   I'm glad you've found your way to this site, though, because the support and understanding you'll find here will help you enormously.

  When someone suffers from BPD, not only are they unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness, as you're no doubt aware, can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The upcoming wedding of your younger child is a classic example. You've definitely come to the right place, as the senior members on our Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD discussion board are all either in, or have come through, situations not unlike what you are facing with your son. Among the members on that board, you'll find a genuine warmth and sense of community; the members share with, learn from and support each other.

  Having grown up in a household affected by BPD, I'd also encourage you to spend some time reading and posting on our Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent board. As with the Parenting board, the members on Coping and Healing will take you under their wing and make you feel at home here. The benefits of being able to discuss your situation with people who genuinely understand, because they've been there themselves, are amazing. Many of our members find that just the realisation that they are not alone in this battle is, in itself, a tremendous help.

  The resources and information available here are also extremely helpful. I'd encourage you to have a look at What can a parent do? and this book review - Essential Family Guide to help get you started. These resources are just the tip of the iceberg, Momtomany. There's much more here that you'll find helpful and there's always members online when you need to talk, even it's just to 'vent'. You're among understanding friends here, so once again, Welcome Aboard!

  free'n'clear.  

[Kwamina]

Hi Momtomany

The behavior of a child with BPD often takes a huge toll on his or her parents. The fact that you kinda been through this before with your mother must seem like a bad case of deja vu.

The circumstances that have brought you here aren't pleasant of course, but I am happy that you've found your way here. I believe this site is a good place of support for parents of children with BPD. Many of our members are in a similar situation and I think you can learn a great deal from reading their stories and interacting with them. I suggest you take a look at the parenting board .

Boundaries are very important when dealing with someone who has BPD and from your post it's clear that both you and your daughter don't want your son to be present at her wedding. Has your son asked you to pay for him to fly to the wedding and if so, how did you respond to his request?

[lever.]

Hello momtomany

I really do hope you will join us on the parent's board. There are many of us there with similar issues with adult children.

I have just posted there about an interesting book I have been reading about setting boundaries- when and how to say "no".

The parent's board is a very welcoming place-just follow the link you have been given- there is a lot of information and support there.

I will look out for you.

[HealingSpirit]

Hello momtomany,

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you to our BPD Family. 

You poor thing!  I hear your heartbreak, sadness and guilt.  I'm so sorry to hear you're repeating a chapter of BPD in your life after you thought you were done with it.  That is so heartbreaking!  I felt pretty depressed when I learned my DD17 has BPD as well.  The realization that my only child has a bona fide mental illness was devastating. I understand the exhaustion and frustration and guilt you must have!

Anyway, our next child is getting married shortly & DS wants us to fly him to the wedding.

I don't want him there. The child getting married isn't much interested either. The other kids think that he will ruin everyone's time. DH is adamant we don't pay for him to come.

Momtomany, did you read what you wrote?  You actually seem very clear about this.   Then you go right to guilt... .

Still I'm his mother. I'm in physical pain from the anguish he causes us. Maybe I'm a sucker for punishment? He manipulates that.

I'm lost & devastated. Don't know what to do.

This may sound harsh, but I think you DO know what to do.  You're just tearing yourself up with guilt about it, aren't you?  You don't have to make yourself miserable to say no to your son!  There is an article somewhere on this site about FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).  Three things we all know too well when dealing with BPD.  When I find it, I will post a link to it for you to read.  The other thing I hear you struggling with is your boundaries, which is also a very common problem for us moms as well.  I think many of us have a recording in our heads telling us, "A good mother should... ."  "A good mother would... ."  And yours is, "Still, I'm his mother... ."

In the meantime, please focus on nurturing yourself so you can feel the excitement and joy about the upcoming wedding.  I'll say it again. You don't need to punish yourself for saying no to your BPDS.  What purpose does that serve?

I have been saying the good ol' Serenity Prayer a lot lately. Maybe it can help you let yourself off the hook?

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. 

You can't change your son's BPD. (Serenity)

You CAN set limits on what you do and don't do for him. (Courage)

What is your wise mind telling you?

There are so many aspects of your post that resonate for me! But what resonates most of all is the self-torture you're putting yourself through about this because I do this too!  I know it hurts to say no to your son, and I know you feel guilty.  And it will be sad if he isn't in the wedding family photos.  But I think you can end your anguish if you just weigh the pros and cons and then stick with your decision.  I said before, you already sound pretty clear to me.   

[chooselove]

One of the things I learned about enabling that helped me break the cycle was that a big part of doing it was to make ME feel better.   We pay their way because we feel their pain and it makes US feel better to have them temporarily be more comfortable.  In essence we are feeding the monster for a couple seconds of thanks or peace (such an illusion) and then the old habits return even worse than before because we are too afraid to face what we expect them to face.  This really helped me see my own selfishness and how I was not only hindering my adult child (seriously hindering her) and also hurting those around me.  So, my advice is to listen to your DH and respect those around you and let your BPD son live out his consequences and let your family enjoy the wedding without the drama. I know it is sad and you will miss your son being there, but what you really miss is the son he could be, not the son that will make you say, ":)arn, I should have listened to everyone else and not let him ruin this day and cost us more money for nothing."  Chances are his marriage will fail and he will hit bottom again no matter what you do.  Face the pain in yourself that you wish he could face in himself. It's a different form of pain but it is a pain that is ruling your decisions just as pain is ruling his.  That is what I've been walking through the past few months as I work to heal and grow up myself.  Not easy.  But gee, should it be?  I mean aren't we making it easier for them to keep failing?  So... ."easy" doesn't work.  Hard lessons are valuable lessons that lead somewhere.