Trump cards, Jokers and Aces

[Arminius]

I've read elsewhere of a pwBPD had always played their joker... .I wonder if this is a feature many are familiar with?

My uBPDxgf had taken a new career when I met her. She'd taken a 30% pay cut from her established and structured profession to do so, and the new career really wasn't working out for her... .She had problems with senior people, including her being unable to rebuff the advances of an obese, far older and frankly disgusting person, accepting his emails and not having a proper boundary ( she shared all of this with me at the time, I worked in the same organisation) and she was in honesty, not suitable for that role at all.

I encouraged her to consider returning to her established, better paid, structured career that offered more time off etc etc... .

Well, that was her trump/ace/joker... .pulled out in me all the time how I 'made' her leave, how I 'ruined' her career, 'forced' her to 'fail'

This, despite all the people she joined  that job with telling her, over a 6 year period, they were so jealous that she could leave and return to a good career!

[Boss302]

I've read elsewhere of a pwBPD had always played their joker... .I wonder if this is a feature many are familiar with?

My uBPDxgf had taken a new career when I met her. She'd taken a 30% pay cut from her established and structured profession to do so, and the new career really wasn't working out for her... .She had problems with senior people, including her being unable to rebuff the advances of an obese, far older and frankly disgusting person, accepting his emails and not having a proper boundary ( she shared all of this with me at the time, I worked in the same organisation) and she was in honesty, not suitable for that role at all.

I encouraged her to consider returning to her established, better paid, structured career that offered more time off etc etc... .

Well, that was her trump/ace/joker... .pulled out in me all the time how I 'made' her leave, how I 'ruined' her career, 'forced' her to 'fail'

This, despite all the people she joined  that job with telling her, over a 6 year period, they were so jealous that she could leave and return to a good career!

So... .when you made her leave, how big was the gun you were holding to her head? Must have been quite intimidating... .

Or did she do that of her own volition?  

[Ventus2ct]

Well, that was her trump/ace/joker... .pulled out in me all the time how I 'made' her leave, how I 'ruined' her career, 'forced' her to 'fail'

Abortion- I ruined her life, took her baby from her, took her house from her etc etc

I didn't book the appointment, I didn't force her to move out of her 1 bedroom rented flat and I certainly didn't ruin her life. She did all the above by her own accord but I am to be blamed as its easy that way and also makes a better story to her friends and family.

She always moaned at me to "take responsibility for my actions" did she ever? No she was so darn perfect in her eyes.

[MommaBear]

Mine blames me for "making" him "buy a house in the middle of nowhere."

A house I never wanted to buy. A house that needed a million repairs and was out of our budget. A house I argued would be the final nail in the coffin of our marriage. A house I literally pleaded with him to re-consider buying, and to take the cheaper one that needed less repairs instead.

He blames me for the long commute to his work (as if he didn't know how far it was when he signed the papers?), and for not helping with the home renovations (which I have absolutely no skill in doing what so ever).

He, to this day, claims I never lifted a paint brush to help fix up the house. This is true. I set my boundaries before buying the place, and for once, stuck with them. Now I'm a terrible person for doing this.

I had a toddler to watch, and I LEFT HIM, so ... .yeah. Not living there and taking care of our baby was kind of a problem as far as home renovations went. Not to mention the endless fighting, the horrible depression I was in, and my lack of knowledge or skills in home renovations.

Also, I never wanted to buy and flip property, and I TOLD HIM THIS! I foolishly thought saving our marriage was a bigger priority, but hey. Apparently on top of being Martha Stewart, Nanny McPhee, Marie Curie, Serena Williams, Jenna Jameson, Ina Garten and Heidi Klum all rolled into one wasn't good enough. I had to be Bob the freakin' builder too!

Oh, those trump cards. How I hate them!

[Lolster]

I forced him to marry me! Go me! 

[Ventus2ct]

I forced him to marry me! Go me! 

So cool eh! Should be in the laugh and joke thread! It's bonkers isn't it, they are so very deluded about so much, christ at times like this I think how bl**dy fortunate I was to get away with what I did and not be tied together with a piece of paper and a child. I know in years to come I shall look back and think how "lucky" I was. Just the struggle to get through still.

[refusetosuccumb]

I also forced mine to marry me .  Never mind the fact that we dated for 5yrs before I finally gave in to his proposal.  I also forced him to become a father by "trapping" him with my pregnancies.  I also took away his chance to do post secondary education (he was enrolled, got kicked out for drug abuse), took away his freedom to drive (because I forced him to speed continuously and get his license revoked), and now I've taken away his marriage (after he cheated repeatedly on me).

Damn I'm good.   

[Mr Hollande]

I was the one who forced anti depressants on her which lead to her losing her sex drive. "You're happy now, arntcha?". 

[Ihope2]

I gave him no choice but to marry me, and move to a city that he hates, and live in a suburb which is awful and live in a house which is not really suited to him and drive a car which is beneath him.  And let him have access to finances which were never enough for him.

Did I mention that the marriage proposal came from him (because his religious beliefs frown upon unmarried couples), that he was without a permanent abode/address and unemployed when we met!  Not to mention that he did not have a motor vehicle of his own.

But, I guess I could have been a multibillionaire heiress, living in the most beautiful place on the planet, in the most luxuriously appointed home, with a garage full of high-end vehicles (hmm, shall we drive the Porsche today, dear?), and it would not have made an iota of difference... .Such is the nature of the disorder. 

[Ihope2]

And how could I forget:  I made him open up to me and tell me the sad and tragic story of his life. I made him fall into deep and utter depression and chaos.  I made him need hospitalisation three times in 11 months in a psychiatric hospital. I made him have to take heavy medications, mood stabilisers, anti-depressants, sleeping tablets, tranquilisers.  I caused him to put on weight by eating junk food all day and being on those meds.  I made him have to go for regular therapy with a clinical psychologist and psychiatrist.  It was all me!  In fact, I wanted him to be sick! Mea culpa!

I am letting go of all of the accusations.  In some weird way, I understand where they came from.  I was his trigger. Being with me triggered him into his full blown BPD dynamic.  Sad but true.  I could have been any other concerned, caring woman who over-extends herself for a troubled man, and the effect would have been the same - he would have been triggered.  So it is not really me, I know.

[camuse]

But, I guess I could have been a multibillionaire heiress, living in the most beautiful place on the planet, in the most luxuriously appointed home, with a garage full of high-end vehicles (hmm, shall we drive the Porsche today, dear?), and it would not have made an iota of difference... .Such is the nature of the disorder. 

Soon I met mine I moved to a much nice house and upgraded my car, and it made things worse - she wanted someone to become successful with her, not be more successful than her! She resented the fact that I had a house, car some spare cash and she wasted all her fairly high salary on drugs and rubbish and had nothing. At the time, believe it or not, she managed to persuade me this was good because she isn't materialistic! I remember thinking "its a shame my girlfriend never wants to share in my successes" But really she wants someone with very little - the worse off they are, I suppose the easier to control and manipulate. She said "I don't want to live in a nice house in the suburbs, it makes me feel old, im NOT OLD! I am young and i enjoy living like a student." she is 30 with a full time job. but she does indeed live like a student - all her possessions fit into one suitcase and she cant drive. She doesn't want to grow up. But she also raged about her friends having houses and why didn't she. I don't think she knew what she wanted really or who she was.

[Mr Hollande]

I also got the materialistic argument towards the end. It was much more genuine to be poor and homeless according to her. Those were the people she identified with. Not middle class hypocrites like me and my family. Never mind all we'd done to help her over the years. We were not down and out so we were just cold and remote hypocrites. Her new family, a bunch of dope smoking misfits in a commune, are much more genuine people because they have nothing. I guess shame on me for doing OK in life.

[Boss302]

So... .on the one hand... .we can spend DECADES begging, pleading, cajoling and threatening divorce on our BPD spouses / ex's / SO's / children / parents to get them to commit to getting better and usually fail... .but when it comes to things like forcing them to marry us, have kids, move, take jobs, etc, we all have this amazing Jedi Mind Trick power that works every time.

It all makes sense to me now... .

[refusetosuccumb]

I, too, am a huge trigger for my ex.  For whatever reason, I represent and remind him of his own failings.  But when i pointed that out to him as a reason we can never be together again, I was "selfish and only putting my own feelings in charge and don't give a crap about his".

Sigh.  That's all I can say is Sigh.

[Ventus2ct]

Soon I met mine I moved to a much nice house and upgraded my car, and it made things worse - she wanted someone to become successful with her, not be more successful than her! She resented the fact that I had a house, car some spare cash and she wasted all her fairly high salary on drugs and rubbish and had nothing. At the time, believe it or not, she managed to persuade me this was good because she isn't materialistic! I remember thinking "its a shame my girlfriend never wants to share in my successes" But really she wants someone with very little - the worse off they are, I suppose the easier to control and manipulate. She said "I don't want to live in a nice house in the suburbs, it makes me feel old, im NOT OLD! I am young and i enjoy living like a student." she is 30 with a full time job. but she does indeed live like a student - all her possessions fit into one suitcase and she cant drive. She doesn't want to grow up. But she also raged about her friends having houses and why didn't she. I don't think she knew what she wanted really or who she was.

Exactly the same as mine, lovely house that anyone would give their right arm for, any car she wanted, all the good things in life, she wanted them all, only she didn't want them with me, it was as if she had a right to have all these things. She did have a house, a small rented flat, she drove her own car and owned a house elsewhere, so she did have some assets but I always got the feeling that she was insanely jealous of my possessions, which to me mean bu**er all, I worked hard all my life and don't feel guilty about it, I have hands to prove it. But she was so dismissive of my life, my work, my job and always stated that money never interested her despite her wanting a new Range Rover Sport……... !

She has gone back to her seedy roots now, the riffraff and that's what she knows so thats where she feels comfortable, its tragic as she so desperately wanted everything but she didn't know about how to get it, almost demand it, expect it all on a plate.

She will never learn this, never learn that people do share when they are as one, she could never be as one with me and never will with anyone, so sad.

As long as I have my dog I'm happy, I don't care about the fast cars, houses and money. She could have had the lot, circa £10 million worth of land, houses and cars, you know what, she still wouldn't be happy and just want more!

[Popcorn71]

Soon I met mine I moved to a much nice house and upgraded my car, and it made things worse - she wanted someone to become successful with her, not be more successful than her! She resented the fact that I had a house, car some spare cash and she wasted all her fairly high salary on drugs and rubbish and had nothing. At the time, believe it or not, she managed to persuade me this was good because she isn't materialistic! I remember thinking "its a shame my girlfriend never wants to share in my successes" But really she wants someone with very little - the worse off they are, I suppose the easier to control and manipulate. She said "I don't want to live in a nice house in the suburbs, it makes me feel old, im NOT OLD! I am young and i enjoy living like a student." she is 30 with a full time job. but she does indeed live like a student - all her possessions fit into one suitcase and she cant drive. She doesn't want to grow up. But she also raged about her friends having houses and why didn't she. I don't think she knew what she wanted really or who she was.

Exactly the same as mine, lovely house that anyone would give their right arm for, any car she wanted, all the good things in life, she wanted them all, only she didn't want them with me, it was as if she had a right to have all these things. She did have a house, a small rented flat, she drove her own car and owned a house elsewhere, so she did have some assets but I always got the feeling that she was insanely jealous of my possessions, which to me mean bu**er all, I worked hard all my life and don't feel guilty about it, I have hands to prove it. But she was so dismissive of my life, my work, my job and always stated that money never interested her despite her wanting a new Range Rover Sport……... !

She has gone back to her seedy roots now, the riffraff and that's what she knows so thats where she feels comfortable, its tragic as she so desperately wanted everything but she didn't know about how to get it, almost demand it, expect it all on a plate.

She will never learn this, never learn that people do share when they are as one, she could never be as one with me and never will with anyone, so sad.

As long as I have my dog I'm happy, I don't care about the fast cars, houses and money. She could have had the lot, circa £10 million worth of land, houses and cars, you know what, she still wouldn't be happy and just want more!

Same here, my xBPDh left for a much less financially secure future.  He wanted a good life style (which we had) but he also wanted to be better than everyone else.  We were surrounded by friends and family with a similar life style to us.  Some were better off and some the same as us.  Hardly any were worse off.  He left for a replacement who had nothing at all.  He now mixes with low life people who have very little and believe him to be wealthy (he's not).  I think this makes him feel superior whereas before he felt 'normal'.  He doesn't want to be normal he wants to be the centre of attention, which he probably is now (until they realise he's a fake).

[MommaBear]

Same here, my xBPDh left for a much less financially secure future.  He wanted a good life style (which we had) but he also wanted to be better than everyone else.  We were surrounded by friends and family with a similar life style to us.  Some were better off and some the same as us.  Hardly any were worse off.  He left for a replacement who had nothing at all.  He now mixes with low life people who have very little and believe him to be wealthy (he's not).  I think this makes him feel superior whereas before he felt 'normal'.  He doesn't want to be normal he wants to be the centre of attention, which he probably is now (until they realise he's a fake).

Mine did this, but with books smarts and not money. Being around researchers made him feel dumb, even though I must say he was easily and effectively able to keep up with a great deal of the things I was studying, and could easily carry his own in a room full of my peers having a conversation.

I very often commended him for his ability to pull this off, and was impressed. So was everyone else.

Also, no one EXPECTS the spouses to "talk shop" at these academic meet and greet deals. We know we're in a highly specialized field, so it's not like we're going to make people feel inferior deliberately.

When I left him, he said, "The next woman I get will be dumber than you. I'm never going out with an academic ever again!"

Mission accomplished.

[camuse]

Mine left to become homeless. Living on a friends floor. Has a full time job and works evenings as a prostitute. For a while I thought what is wrong with me that this is better than the lovely life we had. But now I realise there's nothing wrong with me. Only her.

[Popcorn71]

For a while I thought what is wrong with me that this is better than the lovely life we had. But now I realise there's nothing wrong with me. Only her.

I think this is something we all have to understand in order to get over this.  I am slowly coming around to this way of thinking 

[Arminius]

It's them. That's all we need to accept, and accept profoundly.

[workinprogress]

Maybe I'm the BPD in this?

When we first married, my parents offered me some land beside their house.  I didn't like my neighborhood nor my childhood in general due to constant ridicule, control, and verbal abuse, and good old fashioned whippings from my parents.

I had just finished college and worked my butt off to get away from them.  Well, I said that there was no way in the world that I was going to move back to there.

My wife begged me.  I thought we were a team at the time so I agree to get the land and build her a house.  Even though we had a great apartment with dirt cheap rent.  We were saving money and I was planning on going to graduate school.

So, instead, I built the home, by-passed grad school, and worked two jobs.

I just have a general Bachelor's Degree in English, and I really wanted to fine tune my education so I could do better in life.  I live in a small town, with limited opportunities unless one has a specialized degree.

Instead, I worked 60 hours a week for 20 years or more.

All that time I hoped for a break.  I wanted a chance to make more money and have a little financial security.

Well, I got offered a huge promotion.  First step was making 50% more money.  The sky was the limit.  It was a huge company.  They loved me.  I was on fire.  After struggling all my life to get control of my life I finally got the call!

I was so thrilled.

One catch, we had to move.

Well, my wife absolutely refused to move.  No pleading or begging on my part would persuade her.  Nothing.  I had to turn the promotion down.

This was about 10 years ago.  I was devastated when I had to turn it down.  I went into a big depression.  I had battled, I had worked the hours, I had proven myself.

All for nothing.

Now, my wife complains that we don't have enough money.  She complains when an appliance breaks.  She complained for years about money.

She talks about how great doctors and lawyers are because of the money they make.

Her and her best friend had the nerve to tell my kids to marry for money.

So, over the past couple of years when she complains about money I make it a point to say, "we could have had piles of money.  Money that rivaled doctor money.  It was there.  We could have had the good life."

Funny thing, when I used to complain about our lack of intimacy she used to say that we didn't have enough money and that money is what mattered.

Now she denies ever saying that and says we were intimate all the time.   

Anyway, I am the one who is now 47.  After working full time to get through college, then working multiple jobs and 60 hours a week for 20 odd years, I find myself bitter.

My boss is very unstable.  He drinks all the time and is hung over often times when he works with me.  He is grumpy and belittling, like the dad I grew up with.  I can feel the nervous kid in me coming back out when I deal with him.  I find myself losing my confidence.  He does not listen to reason, nor does he understand the data spreadsheets that I show him.  He talks up reps that bring in less money and volume than I do and acts like they are the greatest reps in the world.  He criticizes everything that I do.

I am so resentful that I had the chance to really make it.  I am resentful that I am working for such a jerk.

She still complains about money and how it would be nice to have a lot of it.  I think she tries to make me feel bad because I'm not a doctor or a lawyer.

Doesn't she see that it was right there in the palm of our hands?

[workinprogress]

I would like to add, I am not some greedy SOB!  I just wanted to get away from my hometown and lead a good life.

When I met my wife she told me that money didn't matter to her.

She acted like she truly loved me.

My real dream in life was to write so some novels.  I was happy in our apartment.  The rent was low, and I worked and had time to write.

When we bought the house all of that changed.

I gave up on my dreams.

I just wanted to get a little money saved up.  She spent it faster than I made it.

I kept working harder and harder, but it was never enough.  That's one reason the promotion was so important to me.

But, she pulled the rug out from under me and told me that she did not want to leave her friends.

She knew when I took the job that I could get promoted and we would have to move.

She sprung it on me after I got the promotion offer that we should not leave.

Does that make any sense at all?

The bottom line is, I feel like I wasted my whole life.  :'(

[Arminius]

If yiu have wasted it, and I don't  think you have, then you've only wasted it up to NOW.

From now. That is what matters.

[SeaSprite]

Wow, I never knew this was a Thing. I'm here at bpdfamily because I struggle with my D16, but my husband's ex is also likely BPD.

This thread makes so many things make sense now. (Things that if I hadn't seen so many of her emails for myself, I'd worry my husband was making stuff up to make her look bad, but if anything he gives her more credit than she is due).

They married young, and were married 20 years. I met him after she left him for her affair, her best friend's husband. (She'd been caught in an affair years before as well.) She had a good enough divorce settlement she does not have to work. Her new husband retired early, probably with her help.

My H has a good career, and has always supported her. They had kids on her timeline, bought houses and cars on her timeline. They hired housekeepers and nannies and yard people so she wouldn't be stuck with all the drudge work while he went off to work all day. The only thing that was his choice that she didn't want was where to live (where his good job was).

So the thing that has never made sense to me, the thing that irritates more than it should, is how after their divorce, and then after we started dating, everything was his fault and my fault.

The affair was his fault because he's a workaholic robot. (Even my kids, his step kids think he's a very caring guy, almost to a fault, so um... no.)

Her failure to finish school and have a career was his fault because ... .wait for it... .he was too successful so she never HAD to succeed.

He is selfish and mean because he questions his kids on what their plans are for school and how will it help them with their lives before paying for extended college (He still pays for it, but does not want them to be career students)

The list goes on, the things she gets angry with him about have never made sense, because he is just a good guy, and way more patient with her than I would be.

Now it finally makes sense!

[kc sunshine]

I let mine play her trump card and "win"... .even though it meant the end of our relationship. Stopped defending myself against it... .She said "that's all I get? Resignation?" And the. Got madder and madder.

[workinprogress]

If yiu have wasted it, and I don't  think you have, then you've only wasted it up to NOW.

From now. That is what matters.

Thanks Arminius.  I've been really thinking about the future a lot lately. 

[Arminius]

If yiu have wasted it, and I don't  think you have, then you've only wasted it up to NOW.

From now. That is what matters.

Thanks Arminius.  I've been really thinking about the future a lot lately. 

Let me tell you something I have discovered about me, by going out and meeting other people... .

I'm interesting

I'm kind

I'm fun to be with

I'm gentle

I'm attentive

Others like me

Women definitely like me

I will not be 'lonely'

I have, since March, made some good connections, 'validated my sense of attraction' on numerous occasions and have met some lovely, normal people.

My uBPDxgf made me feel,none of the above was possible or true. Well, F... .orget her!

[workinprogress]

If yiu have wasted it, and I don't  think you have, then you've only wasted it up to NOW.

From now. That is what matters.

Thanks Arminius.  I've been really thinking about the future a lot lately. 

Let me tell you something I have discovered about me, by going out and meeting other people... .

I'm interesting

I'm kind

I'm fun to be with

I'm gentle

I'm attentive

Others like me

Women definitely like me

I will not be 'lonely'

I have, since March, made some good connections, 'validated my sense of attraction' on numerous occasions and have met some lovely, normal people.

My uBPDxgf made me feel,none of the above was possible or true. Well, F... .orget her!

That is great!  So life can get better!

[Ventus2ct]

Let me tell you something I have discovered about me, by going out and meeting other people... .

I'm interesting

I'm kind

I'm fun to be with

I'm gentle

I'm attentive

Others like me

Women definitely like me

I will not be 'lonely'

My uBPDxgf made me feel,none of the above was possible or true. Well, F... .orget her!

Have found exactly the same here, since end of April and long may it continue, it helps rebuild our self confidence, our esteem and also allows us to feel better about ourselves. I love it and sit here wondering why I wasted so much time, effort, love on someone who clearly now was just plain manipulative and abusive and wouldn't know true love if it bit her on her lovely wide ar*e! I think the realization and when it starts to finally sink in really speeds up healing, am sure there will be times still when I miss the witch, how could I not do as felt a certain bond but she cannot help how she is and will never change so it's both our losses in reality, she could have been so perfect but alas was not, at the beginning yes.