Tonight's walk

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw and I went out on a walk tonight after she returned from work. We got into a relatively minor argument about how I should not write letters of recommendation for my students whom I believe deserve them. She believed I shouldn't volunteer and that they should ask me, instead. I said I believe in my students and if they deserve the letters of recommendation and when I have time, I should be able to write them, whether they ask me or not. She disagreed that I should not do so. I ultimately said that you have your profession and that I do not interfere with yours. So, I would appreciate her not doing so with me. We both are doing what we feel is right, and that is all that matters.

She said that she sometimes prefers to walk by herself so we don't get into arguments. Well, this is the first argument if you want to call it that in a long time. So, she really exaggerates.

Then, she said she was going to stop, because she learned that we all are going to do what we want to do, and she really doesn't care what I do.

I didn't look at her for the rest of the walk, although I did apologize about what had happened, and she said that I didn't need to. I said it was the only humane thing to do.

When we got back from our walk, I sat down, she bent down to kiss me, and she subsequently started to pat my schedule, saying that I was her teacher and smiling. How patronizing can you get to pat me on the shoulder and say that!

Of course, she has conveniently forgotten all of the verbal abuse and now the neglect. UGH!

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[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, I love the snide comments. I surely do... . Yesterday, while on our walk, my husband got upset and hatefully mocked me by applauding me in a hateful manner.

Earlier tonight, I asked him to leave, and he is now gone. I still would like our marriage to work, but I deserve to not be treated in such a hateful, abusive manner so very frequently.

So maybe it's that you deal with your wife better than I do my husband, or maybe it's just that my husband is way more dysregulated... .I don't know, I just know that he is gone, and for right now I have peace.

I'm sure at some point it will hit me that he is gone. I can't tell you how many walks we've been on where he'll get upset at me and barge off. Maybe walks just set off something for them. Trying to see the humor.

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for your feedback.

As for the walks or any other activity where a nonBPD and a BPD are in the same situation, maybe, the BPD knows we are there. So, he or she just takes advantage to incite.

As for your situation, you have a lot of courage, and you said enough is enough. You asked him to leave, and he left. Interestingly, he then left instead of trying to talk with you to resolve the issues between you. As you said, you have peace. It might be hard to adjust to peace and you might have wanted the relationship to work, but you made the choice to ask him to leave, and he did. Now, it is your opportunity to take care of yourself instead of dealing frankly with your BPD's negativity.

Frankly, I just hate it when a BPD focuses so much on the negative and rarely is positive. I am a positive guy, and my BPDw wishes to always contradict and not to respect boundaries. Surely, in my situation yesterday, if I were to have disagreed with something which she does in her profession and there are many situations which this is the case, I would have been rightfully knocked down. I don't do so, because I respect boundaries, and she most definitely does not. She believes that people will do what they want. So, she doesn't interfere. Huh?

BTW, how this minor argument started last night is that I shared that I love giving letters of recommendation. After this minor argument, she said she knew she should not have started this minor argument. A little while later, she said that she has made so much improvement. Excuse me, but she speaks with a forked tongue!

So, I shared some of my joy, and she again tried to cast a major shadow on it again. I thought sharing was a part of our relationship. I guess not.

Also, BTW, it is her birthday today. I have a gift and a card for her, but the joy of giving these things is pretty much gone after last night and so many other negative moments that she herself created.

[Samuel S.]

I forgot to mention that my BPDw said that because I am retired, that "what I am doing is giving me something to do". NO! I am working part-time, tutoring, writing and publishing books, giving workshops to families, classes, schools, and organizations, exercising, going to movies, working on a TV screenplay project, and traveling. In actuality, I am way busier than when I was teaching in order to make some additional money besides retirement and enjoying everything as much, if not more so. Her comments are less than loving and less than respectful. She said these things due to her own hurt. I give to give to others, because I care. I just wish she would too!

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I get pegged as being "negative", but I view myself as realistic. If all I've gotten from someone is crap, I'm going to expect more crap. I don't view that as negative, as much as realistic. I've been much more positive and hopeful for us, as a couple, and about my husband's good points however, than he has been about me. So really, which is more important? I'd rather have someone be positive and encouraging about ME, and he can gripe about whatever else he wants!

I think being married is supposed to be about giving benefit of the doubt, and trying to think well of your partner. I'm the only one doing that, and it stinks. It's hard to live with, long term. Not sure if you've read any John Gottman, but he talks about how couples are supposed to be influenced by each other, and I think that is great. Part of the problem with a partner that has BPD, is they cannot be influenced by their partner(or so it seems), and so it's hard to really grow together. The harmony I was so craving, is just not something he can give me. I'm influenced by my husband, but he never lets my truth or feelings, make a dent in his reality, he is still my harshest critic.

I guess we just have to do our best to not take it to heart. It's not our failing after all, it's theirs that they can't truly enjoy merging, and blending, which to me is what marriage or any partnership is all about.