I guess his silence is pretty telling...

[Ceruleanblue]

Today is night two of uBPDh being gone. His norm is to pop up on chat from work, or to text me. He didn't do either. He did try to call, but I didn't answer, because I was afraid to. I really, really thought he'd at least text or send a short message via chat, but so far, nothing.

This to me, feels like more punishment, which he is big on. He likes to threaten, and scare me. This feels like more of the same. I really was hoping that by giving him the "break" he was always pleading for, it would do what his therapist suggested, and he'd have time to reflect, and see how off balance our relationship is. I've lost myself because all my thoughts, efforts, my everything is spent trying to mold myself into something more to his liking. Someone who won't "set him off" as he likes to say. How sick is that?

Part of me is breathing is the fresh air of not being under his menacing anger, and blame, but another part of me is scared and sad. I just expected him to at least do what I've always heard is more the norm... .try to make some contact. It's like he is fine with no contact. He has his adult kids back, and I'm sure they are all roasting me to him, and telling him how awful I am. The whole lot of the are so dysfunctional, angry and likely personality disordered. I know there is a genetic factor in all this, and we found printed off articles about BPD in his son's room.

Why do I feel so bad, when this is really just more of the same from him? Neglect, punishment, and trying to get ME to beg him back. I am going to do my best not to do that. I've done all the changing, begging, accommodating I can do... .with all of them.

I really, really thought I mattered more to him than this. I wanted this to work, and have always told him that. Told him I'd accept him, no matter what he gets diagnosed with, and he sees a psychiatrist on Thursday. He is the one who is difficult, abusive and hard to live with, yet he keeps me dancing like a trained monkey. I know if he does come home, I am going to have new boundaries. I can't keep living the way I had been.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Ceruleanblue]

I'm also bouncing back and forth from panic, fear, then anger. I have good moments too, but I'd have to say tonight, I'm feeling scared, and on edge. I've fought so hard, and it feels he is just giving up. He's the one with anger issues, and most likely BPD, or APD! It feels like rightfully, it should be me wanting go give up, but it's him? It feels like I'm living in odd, backwards world.

[itgirl]

Just from an outsider point of view.  You said he did phone you?  Although you expected a text I think you should not ignore the fact that he did try and contact you.  Nevertheless, you are going through pain and heartache and hope it gets better soon.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I do give him credit for trying to call, it's just that in light of my not answering, I thought he'd send a quick text or hop on chat... .write me something. Especially because he knows how much things in writing mean to me. It has been a sort of bone of contention for us. He would never write me anything, and I found it odd, and something I really wanted. Then he let slip that he'd written his adopted daughter a long letter telling her what she meant to him. Talk about hurt. It just always seems I'm never as important to him as anyone else. I know his first wife felt the same way, in fact she was jealous of their own kids, because he devoted all his time, and focus on them.

I am hurting, and I am scared, and I guess I shouldn't have expected him to do anything "normal". Our whole relationship since we got married has been anything but "normal". It's highs, then lows, rages, then brief repentance(after a while I didn't even get that). It's a cycle. It just feels like he is incapable of loving anyone other than himself and his adult kids. I think he always needs someone to victimize, to make himself feel better.

On the up side, I'm not being his victim right now.

[itgirl]

Ah OK your post and subject makes sense now.  My partner used to use Silent Treatment on me all the time.  To me that is the worst abuse.  Although I have never been physically abused so I cant really say that.  I say used to do that as I learned that if I carried on with my life and work on myself she would soon come wondering back. 

Hang in there.  As you say it is a cycle.  Focus on you and do something for yourself that you have wanted to do but couldn't.  

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I'm relatively sure he thinks is he holds out, I'll beg for him to come back. Well, he seems to forget, I was the one taking all the abuse. It's usually the ABUSER begging to "be better" and come home. I'm sad, because I wanted our marriage to work, but the emotional toll was becoming too high. I can only "fix" so much, and take so much, and he was escalating.

I'm sure you are right about this being the Silent Treatment. It's a way to punish me for asking him to leave. I didn't think he'd be angered, or take offense, because he'd been wanting a "break" for nearly two years... .it as always ME who argued against it.

But a lot has gone on in these last two years, and as I've been trying harder, he's been trying less. The blame and anger has increased too, and my reserves were just at an all time low.

I do mostly okay during the day, but the nights are hard.

[Narellan]

Ceraleanblue I'm sorry to read of your story. My exBPD periodically did the same but would come back after a few days or a week saying I was over thinking things and everything was fine. This last time has been 5 months. It's over this time. He didn't try to contact me because he was caught up in replacing me, and just lately he's been in the background of my life trying to get me to contact him, stirring up trouble. He rings from time to time but I don't answer. It was incredibly painful and confusing that he left in the blink of an eye, but the more time and space that went by made me set my own boundaries and decide its over. I had recycled with him about 4 times in 4 months and to see him move on so quickly to his next pedestal girl ( who incidentally was my best friend of 20 years) was completely devastating.

You need to decide what you want. This behaviour will not stop. It's been the hardest time of my life losing him, then deciding to let him go for good. 5 months on and I'm generally feeling better, but he's still in my thoughts most minutes of the day. I've just accepted this is him and as much as I love him, I can't lead this life of suffering anymore.

I really hope things work out for you the way you need them too.

I have also not answered phone calls due to fear. My T asked what I was afraid of, him or me.

The answer to that is that I was afraid I would fall back into the dysfunctional relationship in the blink of an eye. I'm still scared of that. I have to stay nc for my own sanity. I truly understand how you feel. Peace to you 

[Ceruleanblue]

Narellan:

I'm sorry that you too are going through this. My husband did this leave/come back cycle with his ex, and I told him while we were dating that I/we would not be doing that, but look where we are. I held out as long as I could, but I just couldn't take it anymore. It's almost like he got so abusive and horrible just so that I'd have no choice but to give him that "break". It was that or have a breakdown.  

His adult kids would like nothing more than if he went back to his ex, their Mom. Which is odd, because she cheated and left, and is still with this guy. I'm sure my husband has BPD, or APD, but added to that mix is his kids, and their assorted personality disorders, or just plain dysfunction. My husband is more interested in being a Dad, than being a husband. He has a really odd attachment to his grown kids. I'm super close to my kids, and to my parents, and we are generally a loving bunch, but this is strange even to us. It's like he needs his kids to meet all his needs, other than sex, and I even sometimes wonder about that. He is weird with my daughter too. In fact as he was leaving me, he knocked on her bedroom door to tell her he loves her... .uhm, he didn't even do that with me. He is always much, much nicer to her then he is to me, or my son. I know he hasn't tried anything sexual with my daughter, as she is 18, and would kill him(she is way tougher than me), but it still creeps her and I both out at times.

I'm tired of trying to figure out "what is wrong with him" and why he acts the way he does. All his relationships seem odd. His with his kids, and his with me. And he's always had huge problems with authority figures, and he has huge road rage. He's pretty classic BPD, other than self harm, but I do sort of think he self sabotages though.

And I didn't answer the phone not because I'm afraid I'll be drawn to him, but I just was not up to either him being mean, or him being falsely nice. That magnetic draw just isn't there for me with him. I know lots of people stay due to that, but I had an ex that I had that sick dynamic with... .and I chose my husband because I didn't feel that way. I did everything I could this time to set myself up for a good outcome... .but he deceived me. Part of me is just so angry at him.

[Narellan]

He sounds eerily similar to my ex. He has a weird relationship with his mother particularly who he lives with when not travelling. And his father but that's more normal. Everything my exBPD does is to impress his mum who is rather aloof and a bit eccentric. I like her though, she was my netball coach for years when I was a child.

Other than his mum he has no friends. Not a single one. He has a sick push pull thing still with his exgf who he recycles periodically and has for 5 years. She's 18 years younger than him.

I understand the phone call reaction. I too don't want to hear the sob story of how much he's suffering being without me. His actions show otherwise and I'm still in denial that I meant nothing to him. I simply can't face that yet. I haven't reached any anger stage at all with him, just the hurt and grief. I must move slowly through this grief and loss cycle compared to others. It's been 5 months and I accept it now for what it is but I've never experienced any anger.

What are you planning to do with your relationship? Are you still trying to make it work? What you say re his interaction with your daughter is your gut instinct telling you something is off. It's a  ... .Try not to ignore it.

[123Phoebe]

And I didn't answer the phone not because I'm afraid I'll be drawn to him, but I just was not up to either him being mean, or him being falsely nice. That magnetic draw just isn't there for me with him. I know lots of people stay due to that, but I had an ex that I had that sick dynamic with... .and I chose my husband because I didn't feel that way. I did everything I could this time to set myself up for a good outcome... .but he deceived me. Part of me is just so angry at him.

Are you sure?  It sounds as though it might be a pretty big component that you're attracted to:

His norm is to pop up on chat from work, or to text me. He didn't do either. He did try to call, but I didn't answer, because I was afraid to. I really, really thought he'd at least text or send a short message via chat, but so far, nothing.



This to me, feels like more punishment, which he is big on. He likes to threaten, and scare me. This feels like more of the same.

The magnetic draw of pulling him in.  To do things that make you feel less afraid.

I've done that with my guy, too.  It got us nowhere fast.

We have to learn to face those fears, Ceruleanblue.  What's the worst he could've said, that you're not filling in the blanks about already?

Are you prepared to end the relationship or would you like to improve your 50%?  We are the other half of the relationship, the choice is ours on where we go from here... .

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I've done more than enough work on MY 50% of this relationship. In fact, I've done too much, while he  coasted, got worse, and blamed it all on me, while I was the only one trying. I have the tendency, probably due to my OCD, to take blame that isn't mine, and obsessively try to work on myself to change a situation. I've come to see that I can't change this situation. I can only work towards not making him worse, and using tools I've learned here, and the rest is up to him. He needs to work on himself.

I'm working on not being codependent, and I'm working on having some boundaries, because all mine got run over. And yes, I'm sure that the magnetic, sick draw is not there for me, because I've lived through that before, and this is far, far different. His calling me would not have made me less afraid, it just would have shown me that I mattered, or that he was making an effort. I'm not really afraid of anything he could say or do at this point, I just wasn't really up to hearing it... .so in that sense, I guess it was more avoidance than fear.

I don't have any new rabbits to pull out of the hat. He either starts pulling his weight, and puts some effort into "us"... .or I walk away. I was all in and committed, he was not... .now that he is gone he wants me back. If I thought there was room to improve my 50%, I'd be all for that. The problem is that I gave my all, I gave parts of me away that I never should have, and he abused me, lied, let his kids abuse me, put his kids first, mocked, belittled, and generally beat me down over a two year period. If I change at all, it's going to be that I become firmer in my belief that I deserve to be treated better. I never should have stayed in it, as bad as it was, for as long as I did... .

[Samuel S.]

Ceruleanblue, you truly are a very courageous person who most certainly has done everything possible to improve your relationship! I commend you for everything you have done! I commend you for coming to the realization that he needs to step up to the plate, take full ownership and responsibility of his actions and lack of commitment to you and to do everything possible to improve the relationship together. If he doesn't, it is his problem, and he is going to have to live with it. It is now as you are doing to improve yourself, and you are doing that! 

[Ceruleanblue]

Samuel S :

Thanks for that. I do also have others who've observed the marriage in person(as much as anyone can do that with anyone else's marriage), telling me that it's more than obvious how I've tried, and that I've sort of tortured myself over this. One person told me that she thinks he is a sadist, that he enjoys hurting me.

I may take him back, but I'm going to have to hear a few things first. Our relationship was so off balance, and I'm not jumping back in unless there are some actual changes in his perspective. Even then, if we get back together, it's going to be about actions. His actions better back up what he tells me is going to happen. I've fallen for false promises too many times. I don't expect miracles, and I know change is likely to be slight, if he really does have BPD or NPD, or even APD, but I'll at least be able to see a change in his attitude? I'm no longer willing to live in an environment of being fed constant negativity about ME, while he is the one abusing me. He expects total love, acceptance, and a stepford wife, while he does nothing to deserve such devotion.

I told him, that I refuse to be in a marriage with someone who tells me flat out that my feelings don't matter, and he doesn't want to hear my opinions. I'm just appalled at the fact that I didn't walk out the first time he said that to me. I'm feeling a lot of shame over what I allowed him to say and do to me.

[MaybeSo]

When we sacrafice ourselves and tolerate abuse... .we are actually contributing to the dysfunction. When 123pheobe asked if you wanted to change your 50 per cent... .she wasn't asking if you martyred yourself enough for him. Just the opposite. changing your 50 per cent would mean changing that behavior to one of better self care. When we don't take care of ourselves, we become dysfunctional and become part of the problem.

The change lies with you, not him. Do not rely on words he speaks. If you do... .you are abandoning yourself.   Rely on you.  He cannot provide sustainably what you need... .only you can. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I realize only I can enact change in me, just as he can only change himself. I've told him for so long that I don't need him to "make me happy", but I do need him to stop making me unhappy(he knows I'm speaking of the abuse).

I'm debating how serious he is about wanting to change his part of our marriage. Talk is cheap, and I guess I have to figure out if I'm willing to let him prove he can make a difference. I'm done being a martyr, I never even meant to be, I just tried everything else, and it just ended up that way.

I've told him that if/when I let him come back, don't expect me to be the same. I feel like a much different, stronger person now. More like the person I was when I'd first met him. I want to stay married, I always have, but I'd rather be alone forever than go back to how I was living. I think he's finally realized that. All I ever needed from him was kindness, and some effort.

And if he fails, I now know just how strong I am, and that I'll be okay. I'll have to go through all the stages, but my happiness is worth fighting for. I'm not going to let anyone take my chance of being happy away from me.

[Narellan]

Quote from CB "  I've fallen for false promises too many times. "

The promises are the truth when they speak them. They are just incapable of following the promises through and sustaining it long term. Thus any promises will always be false promises. This is BPD.