Reclaiming Lost Friends

[Depression = 72% of members]

So the bf and I went out to dinner tonight with an old colleague of mine and her bf.

Keep in mind that my bf and I are both divorcing our spouses, mine with (high functioning) BPD, and his with uBPD/uNPD (extremely low functioning).

It's funny, because neither my bf or I have any really close friends. We were commenting on it, and how it took so much energy to keep a marriage (let alone a family with children) together when the other partner has a pers d/o, that there's so little energy to invest in friendships anymore.

I was lucky to re-connect with this old friend, because she knew me when I was married and back then, I was neglectful in my friendships. But she seems to understand why.

Anyway, we had an AMAZING time. We actually laughed, hard, and walked away feeling like we actually made a new "couple friend".

Anyone else trying to re-connect with old / establish new friendships? Sometimes I'm so ashamed of my marriage and all that I went through, that it's tough to talk about or to explain why I lost touch with these people. A good deal of "our" friends sided with him, or just never bothered to keep in touch with either of us, so a big part of my life got cut off when I left him.

Why is it so hard to make friends, especially now that I have the time and the energy to invest in other relationships?

[MommaBear]

So the bf and I went out to dinner tonight with an old colleague of mine and her bf.

Keep in mind that my bf and I are both divorcing our spouses, mine with (high functioning) BPD, and his with uBPD/uNPD (extremely low functioning).

It's funny, because neither my bf or I have any really close friends. We were commenting on it, and how it took so much energy to keep a marriage (let alone a family with children) together when the other partner has a pers d/o, that there's so little energy to invest in friendships anymore.

I was lucky to re-connect with this old friend, because she knew me when I was married and back then, I was neglectful in my friendships. But she seems to understand why.

Anyway, we had an AMAZING time. We actually laughed, hard, and walked away feeling like we actually made a new "couple friend".

Anyone else trying to re-connect with old / establish new friendships? Sometimes I'm so ashamed of my marriage and all that I went through, that it's tough to talk about or to explain why I lost touch with these people. A good deal of "our" friends sided with him, or just never bothered to keep in touch with either of us, so a big part of my life got cut off when I left him.

Why is it so hard to make friends, especially now that I have the time and the energy to invest in other relationships?

[LettingGo14]

Anyone else trying to re-connect with old / establish new friendships? Sometimes I'm so ashamed of my marriage and all that I went through, that it's tough to talk about or to explain why I lost touch with these people. A good deal of "our" friends sided with him, or just never bothered to keep in touch with either of us, so a big part of my life got cut off when I left him.

Why is it so hard to make friends, especially now that I have the time and the energy to invest in other relationships?

Hello MommaBear.  As someone who is divorced for 3+ years now, I can attest that it gets easier as time passes.  The process of divorce is so time consuming and everything about life changes.   I found, shortly after my divorce was finalized, that I no longer felt burdened by it (and that it did not become necessary to bring up).

If you do the things you love -- in my case, bicycling, meditation, sailing -- you will meet like-minded people and it will make you smile.

[OutOfEgypt]

Anyone else trying to re-connect with old / establish new friendships? Sometimes I'm so ashamed of my marriage and all that I went through, that it's tough to talk about or to explain why I lost touch with these people. A good deal of "our" friends sided with him, or just never bothered to keep in touch with either of us, so a big part of my life got cut off when I left him.

Some of our mutual friends sided with my ex -and I really don't give a rip about them.  But I was really happy to see that many people I had disconnected with over the years, in my attempt to constantly make my insatiable spouse happy and avoid her relational land-mines, were welcome to receive me back.  Even if we don't "hang out", they had been pulling for me the whole time.  There are others who don't get it, for sure.  They don't want to be involved.  They don't understand, and they probably don't care to.  But yes, I am in the process of reconnecting with old friends and establishing new ones.  It does take time.  Thankfully, from back in 2008 I made a friend who has become my best friend.  He is like my brother.  His ex is probably BPD, as well, so we relate to each other a lot.  I don't have a ton of friends -maybe 2 or 3 that I talk to regularly- but that is all I really need.

The rest of the people are people who don't really talk to either of us, but if I see them they are always happy to see how much better I am doing because they kinda knew it was hell on earth for me and she treated me horribly.

I think what happened was that by the time we finally separated for good, I had already lost touch with everybody.  I felt shame about my marriage and all the hell I put up with.  And I walked on eggshells with my wife, so I unconsciously avoided people who she didn't like.  Meanwhile, she always had a new group of temporary friends to help her on her next adventure of lying and cheating and living like she does.  So, by the time we split, there wasn't much to "lose", if you know what I mean.  I certainly had no desire to be friends with any of her new friends, since by then she insisted on completely separate social lives, since, over the years, she claimed I "stole" her friends.  In other words, they got to know me, saw that I was a good man, and saw that she did terrible things to me and was a monster.

[OutOfEgypt]

I think it is just hard to make friends when you are out of your 20's, anyway.  I just got back from visiting where I grew up, and thankfully I was able to reconnect with some old friends.  It was so good to see them, and on one hand I know they will always be my friends, but on the other hand I know our lives are just different, now.  When you reach your 30's and up, your life cements in a bit, and your social circles are not as open or revolving (haha... unless you have BPD).  But most normal people already have their friends and "family", so we are basically trying to re-do what most people did already years ago.  It can be tough.  But there are people out there.  All you need is one or two good ones, and it develops over time.  I'll keep you in prayer for that!

Also... .I don't know if this describes you at all, but it has taken me a while to shake the isolationism/shame.  I've been working through it with my T, but the tendency to draw back into solitude and avoid close bonds because of the pain of it all is still there.  It is way better than it was, but connecting on a close level with new people means eventually sharing our past lives with them, which means experiencing and facing that pain again.  Unconsciously we may be avoiding the very thing we want!