Between rock and hard place

[Bear60]

My 21 yr old stepson with bipolar and authority defiance just called by BPD wife telling her he is depressed, no friends, no money, has nothing and what he has is not nice. She tried to talk to him about getting some help and back on meds, we would even help pay for it, he says he don't need meds, wont see anyone or get meds. She wants to move him and his girlfriend 2000 miles to where we are, pay for their trip, let them live in my travel trailer, pay for the lot rent and living expenses. They are both working but we had to send them 20 for gas money today, don't think he has held a job more that couple months at a time. She says he would have to get a job here, that he would have to get on meds once here. I asked her what would we do if he didn't, kick them out on the street?

He has lived with us before, didn't take his meds, destructive of our property, would not follow rules and I couldn't do anything about it. I have rarely seen that with any of her kids there were consequences for their actions. She accuses me of being harder on her kids than my own (in reality I am easier on hers than I was on mine), she says I was to hard on mine and that they don't like me, that I don't understand (especially with the boys illness).

Our relationship is on rocks now, she did finally make second appointment with counselor, we just started to work on a budget to get our finances in order, we have unpaid bills, our credit is shot, her ex is over 20grand behind in child support that she just threatened if he misses 3 more payments she will do something (I have heard that one before), her 17 yr old daughter probably needs her wisdom teeth removed(no insurance) and we just finished paying for braces.

We don't have the money to do this, I don't know if I (us or her) can mentally do this.

I do feel for her and him but (she hates that word) we cant help someone who wont help themselves. Been there, done that, there now. I told her we are doing the best thing and only thing we can do by offering to help him with counseling and meds. Now she is upset and heaven forbid something happens.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I feel for you in this situation. Three of my four adult step children hate me. The three girls hate me, won't be around me, or allow their babies around me, all for no reason. I've had very little issue with my step son. I'm also relatively sure my husband is BPD, and likely NPD as well. He sees a Psychiatrist for the first time tomorrow.

If I were you, I would absolutely stand your ground, and refuse to move your step son to where you are. Due to your wife's BPD, is she likely to appreciate your effort in doing so anyway? Probably not, and you seem to have the foresight(someone has to in the relationship), to know moving him to where you are, is going to create a whole other nest of problems.

Dealing with a partner who has BPD, or any personality is hard enough! My step kids have almost ruined my marriage, with the help or my husband, who has allowed that to happen. Does your wife have an oddly unhealthy type attachment to her kids? My husband does, and he has also formed that odd sort of a relationship with my own daughter, his step daughter. I get abused, and treated like crap, and blamed for everything... .while all of them he views as saints.

Keep us posted. Personally, I'd stand my ground. She should be grateful you offered to help him at all.

[Inquisitive1]

That's a tough one Bear60 and so complex it is hared to give advice.

I do think you need to set fiscal boundaries. You'll never get out of debt if you don't do that. Paying for his rent when you have debt makes no sense. If he's gonna get a job, why would you need to pay his rent and living expenses. BTW, it's not easy to find a job in this economy, so I'd be concerned that if you paid to move him back to where you lived and paid for his rent and living expenses it might take quite a while for him find a job

I guess you have to figure out where your boundaries are.

[funfunctional]

Hi,

Oh dear.   Yeah - I have one step son and he was a nightmare to live with.  We finally offered him the choice to move in with mom.   But he is teen.

What mom  (your BPD wife) is doing is enabling him.    By allowing him to move into a trailor with g.f... .what you going to do when baby comes next?  These two adults needs to learn NOW how to survive or they never will.    $20 for gas?  Are you kidding?   

If the two adults want to move closer they should save and look for apartment.   First and last months rent.   A studio if they have to but NOT your backyard trailor.

I feel for you but I think you got him out... .so don't let him back into your life.    It's hard for mom to say "no" but you can stand ground and say it so YOU can be the bad guy. 

Good luck!