WAS going strong - Rough day today

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was doing well, but today I crashed.  I know there is no possibility of trying to rationalize the irrational, but this all feels like such a nightmare.  Barely functioning on some days - today is one of them and I'm disgusted with myself.  My history with him and the reality of the misery I was in while with him reminds me that he will always be that horrible mess of a human…but my emotional side wonders what he is doing today, who he's spending his time with and my brain is busy conjuring images of him smiling, living it up, being kind to all, getting his act together and not living like a pig, on and on.

I'm disgusted that I'm doing this to myself.  He doesn't care about my well being and flipped a switch after worshipping me for years & apologizing.  He's an uBPD and in denial about his drug addiction and criminal behavior.  Being in his world fried my soul almost to death, so why can't I now get up and enjoy the freedom of being away from him?  My reality tells me that most people would have run away from him…but I stayed…and today I miss the illusion that I clung to.  Feeling completely disgusted with not being able to pull myself into a better place today.

[Hope0807]

I was doing well, but today I crashed.  I know there is no possibility of trying to rationalize the irrational, but this all feels like such a nightmare.  Barely functioning on some days - today is one of them and I'm disgusted with myself.  My history with him and the reality of the misery I was in while with him reminds me that he will always be that horrible mess of a human…but my emotional side wonders what he is doing today, who he's spending his time with and my brain is busy conjuring images of him smiling, living it up, being kind to all, getting his act together and not living like a pig, on and on.

I'm disgusted that I'm doing this to myself.  He doesn't care about my well being and flipped a switch after worshipping me for years & apologizing.  He's an uBPD and in denial about his drug addiction and criminal behavior.  Being in his world fried my soul almost to death, so why can't I now get up and enjoy the freedom of being away from him?  My reality tells me that most people would have run away from him…but I stayed…and today I miss the illusion that I clung to.  Feeling completely disgusted with not being able to pull myself into a better place today.

[elessar]

Awww Hope, its alright. We all go through that. I went through that earlier this week. Its a constant battle between the rational side that we are finally free from the drama, and the emotional side that feels hurt by the betrayal. The longer the history, the worse it feels. "why didn't I escape when I had a chance to". hah, that reminds me - in April when she started to pull me back in, her first words were "looks like insanity runs in my entire family. you were smart enough to escape". I was wondering - did I escape or was  I kicked out? haha. aah the few times in a year she accepts her and her family's insanity... .and in a matter of seconds its gone... .

its Friday. go watch a nice movie or something fun on Netflix! that's what I usually do if I feel really down. distract myself with a book or a movie. or spend time on the internet reading about BPD. hehe. don't beat yourself up... .we aren't perfect. we were just a bit too trustworthy of their seductive side, and blinded ourselves to their manipulative sides.

[Hope0807]

AMEN!  Thank you!

Awww Hope, its alright. We all go through that. I went through that earlier this week. Its a constant battle between the rational side that we are finally free from the drama, and the emotional side that feels hurt by the betrayal. The longer the history, the worse it feels. "why didn't I escape when I had a chance to". hah, that reminds me - in April when she started to pull me back in, her first words were "looks like insanity runs in my entire family. you were smart enough to escape". I was wondering - did I escape or was  I kicked out? haha. aah the few times in a year she accepts her and her family's insanity... .and in a matter of seconds its gone... .

its Friday. go watch a nice movie or something fun on Netflix! that's what I usually do if I feel really down. distract myself with a book or a movie. or spend time on the internet reading about BPD. hehe. don't beat yourself up... .we aren't perfect. we were just a bit too trustworthy of their seductive side, and blinded ourselves to their manipulative sides.

[Lolster]

Don't be too hard on yourself, it is extremely hard when it's been a long term relationship.  I know it's a cliché but time is a great healer.  I'm 7 years down the line from the long term relationship I was in, I honestly can't remember when it became okay and I stopped being bothered by him, but it took a long time.  

[WhoMe51]

Hope,

I completely understand where you are coming from.  I have been like the way you described for the past few days.  I am only out 15 days and it is so hard to keep myself from contacting her.  But I know that I will regret breaking no contact with her if I were to do it.  I really don't even know what I would say, since she is the one who broke up with me.  I miss her but not the crazy emotional side.  We were doing what seemed to be okay and then two days later she told me that she couldn't trust me and said it was over.  She flipped the switch and we were done.  And today I am left wondering what she is doing or who she is with.  I hate it

[elessar]

You know Hope, after replying to you I took a nap, and had a romantic dream about her. Argh! That hasn't happened since she left again. The conversation must have had something to do with it :P

I hope you are feeling better now

And as Lolster said, it takes time. I know when she left abruptly with a phone call in 2006, it took me 13 months to feel any sort of joy in life. Over the next year I asked out a couple of years, both of whom happened to be taken! Haha. Her thoughts weren't consuming me after a year and a half. I don't think I ever forgot for a single day, but I was fine. I even pictured her being married already, and I was fine. Maybe because except the abrupt ending, she was respectful at that time.

This time around I don't know how many years it will take, or what will happen. But once we accept it is not our fault or nothing we can do, a sense of peace comes with it. I wish Karma would teach her a lesson, I wish she would rather go for therapy and not marry and raise babies. But... .its out of her hands.

Maybe your ex deep down cares about you. He just isn't capable of being an adult. He needs a father or a mother. And we can't be their parents. Maybe they love us like we used to love our parents as kids. I remember when I was a teenager and would get angry and think "when I grow up, I am moving out and never talking to them again!". now that I am grown up, I realize I won't agree with everything my parents say, but I respect our differences and love them and don't get angry. That's what the borderline cannot do. If we cannot provide them what they seek, we are useless and they don't need us. But today's new supply will run out tomorrow. No one can fill a black hole of emotional need. I am not evil, but I hope it runs out for her soon! Lol

[Tausk]

It's very difficult.  It's addiction.  It's PTSD.  It's trauma bond.  

Hang in there.  It gets better.  We've all been there.  I've had to learn to have forgiveness for myself.  It's hard but important.  

You're on this board.  You're looking at yourself.  You're away from the nutjob.  

Which means that you are courageous.  You are strong.  You are ambitious.  You are worthy of love.  And, you will learn to live your life on life's terms and with the possibility for meaning.

With our exes, life really had no meaning. And for me that was just as hard to understand because post breakup all there was for me was a void.  

Fill the void with meaning and service and purpose.

[Hope0807]

Tausk, that was perfect! 

Everyone, that was great!  Thank you all so much.  This board is honestly a lifeline!

You are correct, it is SO important to remind ourselves that this is a very unique journey.  It absolutely is "trauma" and I AM away from the "nut job" - gosh it feels good to say that!  Looking forward to spending my days in a way that is focused on me and less as a struggle through the pain of what life was like with the BPD.

You guys rock!

It's very difficult.  It's addiction.  It's PTSD.  It's trauma bond.  

Hang in there.  It gets better.  We've all been there.  I've had to learn to have forgiveness for myself.  It's hard but important.  

You're on this board.  You're looking at yourself.  You're away from the nutjob.  

Which means that you are courageous.  You are strong.  You are ambitious.  You are worthy of love.  And, you will learn to live your life on life's terms and with the possibility for meaning.

With our exes, life really had no meaning. And for me that was just as hard to understand because post breakup all there was for me was a void.  

Fill the void with meaning and service and purpose.