Stay away from their FB...

[elessar]

We all know how it is. We SHOULD NOT visit their FB pages. I held off for three days. Right now I did. New guy she is getting married to commenting on her photo how beautiful she is. I know exactly why I went. The previous guys she used to talk to didn't last over 6 weeks. It has been nearly 6 weeks since she told me she is getting married to this person. I went to see if anything has changed. This is why I am an idiot. I still keep hoping for validation that it wasn't just me and she would find happiness after me. Of course, 6 weeks is nothing. Our honeymoon didn't turn sour in 6 weeks. It took 6 months. But that is why we shouldn't check out their social media pages. It is nothing but pain for us. I know this. Yet I have no self-control.

[maternal]

It's pretty dang human to be curious and want to check up on things, regardless of the fact that we know that what we will find will hurt us... .

We've all slipped.  Just block everything you can and move along.  Don't beat yourself up.

[myself]

If it's bad for you to check, don't check. Knowing that when you do, if this is BPD, you can't believe much of what you see or hear. She's probably not being real with him. He might be lost in FOG right now, or about to get pushed and pulled until he falls apart. You're not there behind closed doors. There's no way she's cured or living without a mask. For better results, instead of looking to see if she's changed, focus on making sure that you do.

[elessar]

I had blocked her. Curiosity had led me to unblock her. I have a FB public page (not my personal profile page), and she is a follower. Few days back she Liked a post of mine. It took me a few days of thought why is she doing it. If she is getting married, why is she following me. Why is she "liking" my post. Is it the slow start of a charming? The post was about what "good parenting" should look like... .since most of you who have read my posts know how much I hate what her parents have done to her since childhood. Its all mind games. And there is no way I can make someone unfollow a public page of mine.

[pieceofme]

curiosity killed the cat today for me, too. i checked his instagram and was horrified to find several malicious posts directed at me. elessar, it IS all mind games. 100%.

[Tausk]

Forgive ourselves.  We all do.  It's enough info on here to write a graduate dissertation titled,  "Obsessive/Compulsive behaviors of ex partners of pwBPD and the use of Social Media."

But we shouldn't do it is correct.  PwBPD don't have a sense of self.  So FB is a perfect place to create a self.   And that self is what we see and project. 

It's our issue.  Why would be be using the idealized portrayal of a mentally ill person with no sense of self, as a measuring stick for our own self worth?

For me, it's my FOO issues and maladaptive schemas at work, and I'm getting beyond it.  It's slow.  It's painful.  But it's possible if I work at it.   I try and hope my ex's FB page is representative of how happy she really is.  I hope I gave her enough to be a human.  But I doubt it.

All is can do, it try and make my life as close to my desired FB page as possible. 

[findingmyselfagain]

elessar,

I'm sorry to hear about the pain her FB is causing you. My relationship ended up abruptly just a week after we were supposed to be married, except for her postponing the wedding just a month before. I realize now what a nightmare a marriage would have been. It would have been a short-lived marriage. It ended so quickly that I didn't see the cheating and the worst of the behavior. I was still in the honeymoon so I struggled for months to piece things together. I googled some phrases she mentioned before and eventually discovered mental illnesses including BPD. So I can't really make a diagnosis but can only say it was definitely an unhealthy ending to a relationship that seemed more than ok.

To make a long post a lot shorter, I struggled with whether or not it was true love, and I messed it up somehow? I found out from mutual friends that they confirmed her stormy relationship history and refusal to take responsibility in those relationships. Through second-hand info I heard that the next guy, who she was supposedly very happy with, didn't work out and was in fact just as stormy as any of the others. I'm sad to think of how many men have walked through the door as my ex's "daddy." Hopefully she is a strong little girl.

Until they truly WAKE UP and smell the coffee, they will stay stuck, my friend. I've spent the last 4 years struggling with the afternoon of a relationship gone bad. I only wish I could go back and have a good conversation with my 2010-self and tell him to get his life together and put the pwBPD behind him. You can fix anyone who wants to stay broken. I've literally struggled for the last 4 years to get over the ordeal. I wouldn't trade life with peace now for life with the pwBPD for anything. I still would like companionship and a family someday, but for now I'm enjoying a peaceful life. I wouldn't welcome anyone like my ex into my life right now, hopefully not ever again. Keep on fighting, my friend. Our victory over ourselves is the best prize we could ever win.

[tired-of-it-all]

I feel sorry for her new man.

[Infared]

Going to their Fakebook  page once they are abusing you is outright addiction. I believe that therapy and/or self help group is in order, or I could just sit in my bedroom and smash my forehead with a baseball bat. It would be less painful.

I am with James Cammeron on this one.

I like to be where I am in the moment. I do not have a Fakebook account. Never did. Don't ever twitter or any of that false, egocentric, game-playing virtual silliness. In my opinion it's all hollow BS. Think of all the pain I saved myself!  

All that crap is the bane of humanity. Just my opinion... .but I am sticking with it!

[elessar]

Thanks guys!

Yeah Infrared, for too many people social media exists to present a fake face. For a borderline, it is their utopia because they can be that perfect character, a perfect mix of all their different faces.

Pieceofme... .I am sorry to hear about his posts towards you. he seems to be a low functioning pwBPD who cannot hide his illness. thats tough having to see it published in public

Tausk... .I have accepted that her online profile isn't indicative of whats going on inside her head. I mean, one of her favorite quotes is "i put on a mask and then it is showtime!"

Findingmyselfagain... .that was a sad story to read. I am really sorry you had to go through that. It took me years and years to accept, but now I have come to peace with the fact that if I had married mine, it would have ended in a bitter divorce. I was hoping I can take her away from everything if we got married. And that is the reason why she has been desperate to get married "very very soon" for past 8 years... .to escape whatever she is feeling. I mean, she has been wanting to marry "now" since forever. It hasn't happened yet in all these years, it might happen very soon... .if she doesn't sabotage it. The only thing different from ours is that I was her first, she has never been in a relationship, although she dated a guy for a few weeks early 2013 and had some dates with a few others. She told me "the first guy said I get angry too much (she was validating my complaints) and I couldn't feel emotionally close to anyone". But never a relationship. As must as logic tells me its not me, an emotional part feels... .what if its me.

I am sorry you have to go through this for 4 years. Mine left me in May 2006 and returned in September 2010. Unfortunately in those 4.5 years I could never feel ready to emotionally put her behind me. I hope someday soon you would. I am not sure how many years it will take me. Ours wasn't an abusive relationship 8 years back. Just abrupt leaving by her. This time was 4 years of hell. I don't know how long it takes to escape hell... .

[trappedinlove]

I'm ambiguous about blocking my ex on fb.

Rather than hiding from my obsessive urges I find that when you do feel the urge it's a good opportunity to explore what's going on with me right there.

It confronts me with my pain which I do not want to entomb and forget about.

Over time the pain eases for me and I'm able to tolerate her new life and to detach from it as it's not about me anymore. It's about her.

And I do wish her happiness and true love with all my heart.

The work I need to do is cope with my own co-dependency.

Deal with the anxiety I feel over her.

Find out why I still care for her and trying to save her.

Why is it my business who she sees and what she does?

Why can't I accept I got abandoned and move on?

So the bottom line is that I do not want to just move on without tackling all these issues.

It's a treasure and an opportunity for me to grow... .

TIL

[ScotisGone74]

It would be easy to accept their new lives and whatever else fake they may post if... .they weren't constantly lying and manipulating us while secretly seeing, having sex with, living with someone else.     I was on the fence for a short time after the breakup as to whether to block the exBPD or not.   But the more I thought about it the answer was clear.    This was a person I do not need in my life, not now or in the future, they were a user, disorder or not.    Block and remain blocked, that is what is best for me to heal is to have absolutely no contact with them and is unfortunately the recourse for the choices they made.

[elessar]

Her friend told me right now that they have already booked a venue for the wedding. It was supposed to happen this month and has been postponed without a date yet. She was with me till early last month! Ugh... .this feels like a knife to the heart. I want to throw up. She has to be talking to this guy while still with me... .it can't happen THAT fast otherwise... .

This feeling of wanting to throw up out of disgust, wanting to cry, visibly shaking at work at this news. 5 weeks back to the day today when she told me she has accepted his proposal. Till then she was wanting to marry me. Someone she has met once in person, rest of the talk on the phone/online.

As pathetic as it sounds, I feel sad for that 15 year or 19 year old boy who thought this is his "dream girl". Man, wait till I go back in time and tell him how he wasted half his life... .

I could use a hug and a great long sleep to forget all of this... .

[Mr Hollande]

You know it's one big sham waiting to turn into a shambles. Try to imagine her when it all comes crashing down around her. Because it will. Till then and especially on "her big day" do something that you'd really like to do. However small. Just make sure it's yours and yours alone. Not hers. Whatever you do, do not lose face and show her you care. She doesn't deserve it. Let silence and stealth be your weapons.

For what it's worth that's what I would do anyway.

[Mr Hollande]

And FB is a double edged sword. For everything that upsets you about her FB-persona there will be a thousand things on your wall, intentional or unintentional, to upset her in return.

[pieceofme]

i am sorry you are hurting. i agree with mr. hollande. it is a sham. she isn't capable of feeling love or attachment. facebook is a facade. more than that, he will see her true colors eventually.

please take care of yourself. mr. hollande gave the best advice already - let silence and stealth be your weapons.

[elessar]

A friend of mine called me right now - "you should actually celebrate. 10 years later she is finally out of your life. there is no need to get down that she is getting married. you are finally rid of her".

Yup, we have heard the same advice on these boards.

Some advice I am giving myself-

1. Get over the feeling of fairness/unfairness. There are worse things happening in the world. It isn't always fair.

2. What does it matter how her life is going to be, even if she finds happiness and bliss for the rest of her life, she treated you like dirt and wasn't good for you.

3. So she replaced you that quickly and within a few weeks her wedding venue is already fixed. It is better than divorce after marriage or leaving you after marriage.

4. Do you honestly believe this new relationship has had a healthy start? If not, do you honestly believe it will be happy ever after?

5. Whether she is happy or miserable has nothing to do with you. What matters is how you feel. the 90% of feeling miserable isn't worth the 10% of the time that she makes you feel wonderful.

6. People come and go. Some don't even have to be BPD to walk out on you in the future. Have the strength to deal with it, and not think this person is my "soulmate".

Stuff I am telling myself intellectually. It is another thing getting to follow it. But I am trying... .

[seeking balance]

Ok Elessar, you are not the first nor the last to fall into the FB pit. 

So, if you want to change your behavior, let's get really clear on why you unblocked her - no judgment at all, in clarity you can change... .in FOG, well... .

Curiosity had led me to unblock her.

Was is it this or was it that you really were itching to see something, feel something, anything but what you were feeling at that moment.  Bargaining phase of grief is really tricky, can cause us to "mindscrew" ourselves because in bargaining we do not have to look at reality... .feel the hurt.

I wish it was not pain that was the major motivator for most recovering to change their behaviors... .myself included.  I didn't change until it was more painful to repeat than to let go.

Change hurts too - pain is a part of this process.  I told myself, SB - go through the pain to detach rather than the pain of going back to "look" - at least it is pain moving forward.

Hang in there Elessar, keep moving forward.

[elessar]

I knew exactly why I checked up on her. We are approaching the 6-weeks mark where she abruptly left me to accept the arranged marriage proposal. And 6 weeks is the longest she has ever gone silent since she got back in my life in Sept 2010 after 3 yr 7 months no contact. I checked up on her to see if anything about her status has changed. Because I wanted some validation. Even in our "honeymoon" phase, her first rage was 4 weeks after she got back with me. I wanted to see that maybe she broke off with him. That maybe she is done with this honeymoon phase with him. But then its not a real honeymoon phase when they live 3 states apart and have met only once. the honeymoon phase between them won't start till after the marriage, unless she backs off at the last moment.

what do i gain from this? same as most of us want to know, that it wasn't us... .it was them. today is the 5 weeks mark of her last contact. tomorrow is the 6 weeks mark when she went from "marry me" to "i have decided to marry him". i guess once i am past the 6 weeks no contact mark next week, it will be a new territory for me. it will be like 2006 or 2007 again when i really thought i will never hear from her again.

[Infared]

Hey bud,... I KNOW that this is painful... .believe me... I know... .really I do... .but... .

Elesar... do you want someone who is saying:

"Eenie, meenie, minee, moe"?

Don't you deserve better than that?

Sorry to put it into such blatant terms, but that is what this sounds like... .

[elessar]

radical acceptance. that's what is needed.

something sadly funny I heard from her friend today. if anyone remembers, I was complaining how last month she left me and picked him because "your education isn't as high as mine (dentist vs phd), you won't ever have a job and i want financial stability". today her friend told me that the venue is set but the date keeps getting postponed. apparently because the guy doesnt have a job and they are waiting till he has one.

i was like... .what the heck? he doesn't have a job, and she wants financial stability from me when i have had nonstop income since 2008 with zero debt in life? he will get a job... .he just finished his MD residency. but doctors starting out are not financially stable. its like some sort of weird projection. did she project him not having a job onto me?

[biglearningcurve]

As I am in AA, I am treating my exbfunBPD as just another substance I have to give up and applying the principals of the AA 12 step programme to anything to do with him, i.e. social media, both his and the replacement's, photos or any old communications.

To me he is a dangerous addiction that I will give up like I have alcohol.

[tired-of-it-all]

As I am in AA, I am treating my exbfunBPD as just another substance I have to give up and applying the principals of the AA 12 step programme to anything to do with him, i.e. social media, both his and the replacement's, photos or any old communications.

To me he is a dangerous addiction that I will give up like I have alcohol.

Very well put.  It is exactly the same.  I have been in alanon for years.  It has helped tremendously.  Dealing with the BPD partner is like a shot of heroin.  Feels good in a sick kind of way but very, very bad for us.

[Arminius]

Block. And block any connections. Pain comes from contact.

Oh, and find a better looking, fun, normal person to spend time with. That helps. Doesn't fix, just helps.

[Infared]

As I am in AA, I am treating my exbfunBPD as just another substance I have to give up and applying the principals of the AA 12 step programme to anything to do with him, i.e. social media, both his and the replacement's, photos or any old communications.

To me he is a dangerous addiction that I will give up like I have alcohol.

I like what the bunny has to say!     

[Narellan]

Tausk I love your post

Gave me a well needed laugh.

Elessar I periodically do the same thing. I reactivate my account and go stalking just a bit. I have been shocked at times by what I've seen but more recently I'm just tired of looking at the BS and have remained off fb.

[elessar]

Tonight I have come to a simple acceptance - focus more on people who are nice to you, than on people whom you want to be nice to you.

My aunt passed away this morning suddenly with a brain hemorrage. Life is too unpredictable and short to spend so much energy on those who are incapable of comprehending it.

[FindingWings]

I have a fbook page only because I use social media as a means of promoting events. No other reason. 4 weeks after we split I defriended her on my Fbook account and blocked her. I did this for two reasons. First, I would watch her sit with her laptop in the morning and listen as she would rant about how stupid so and so is to think blah, blah, blah... .  And would ask, '' Why are looking at their page if it bugs you so much?'' I wanted to spare her that obsession. And I feel good about that. Second, each time that I would post something and see that she had made a comment, it just reminded me of this-''Im here, but not for you!'' I was so deflated by her rejection of me in the end that I nearly imploded. And I was really tired of being in a one way r/s. I was tired of having her reconstruct every conversation we had to align with her emotional slant. At some point we have to acknowledge defeat. And acknowledge there is no defense against someone else's natural inclination for chaos.

''I can go outside, lie down on my driveway and bang my head on the cement. When I stop? It feels pretty good.''

[camuse]

Keep away from their facebook at all costs. No good can possibly come of looking. Facebook is a platform for pretending your life is amazing, however awful is is in reality.   Block, never unblock, never go there.

[Narellan]

Quote 'Im here, but not for you!'' I was so deflated by her rejection of me in the end that I nearly imploded. And I was really tired of being in a one way r/s. I was tired of having her reconstruct every conversation we had to align with her emotional slant. At some point we have to acknowledge defeat. And acknowledge there is no defense against someone else's natural inclination for chaos."

This is very very good. It rings so true for me too. Due to my circumstances of exBPD and my ex best friend and all their and my mutual friends it was just easier for me to deactivate my fb account. Then no one is targeted by blocking or defriending and mutual friends aren't going to question me. I'm simply over Facebook to anyone that asks.