disgusting recycle attempt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

an hour ago, i received several text messages from an unknown number (out of state area code). i suspected that it was my ex, but did not respond. after 20 minutes, i received an instagram direct (private) message from him that included a selfie of him in his underwear    (note: he bought the underwear a few months back on one of our trips; i picked it out for him.)

somewhere on the board, i've read that the craziness and recycling never stops. sadly i think that is coming true in my life.

[pieceofme]

an hour ago, i received several text messages from an unknown number (out of state area code). i suspected that it was my ex, but did not respond. after 20 minutes, i received an instagram direct (private) message from him that included a selfie of him in his underwear    (note: he bought the underwear a few months back on one of our trips; i picked it out for him.)

somewhere on the board, i've read that the craziness and recycling never stops. sadly i think that is coming true in my life.

[woofhound]

did you respond to the picture?

[pieceofme]

i did not. haven't heard from him again.

the weird thing is while he text me from an unknown number, his phone and bathroom were the same that i know. so i suspect he used an app to generate a fake number   

i don't understand the thought process regarding any of this tonight.

[woofhound]

Bread crumbs? who really knows.

[Tausk]

Can you block him? 

[pieceofme]

woofhound, i'm not familiar with bread crumbs in this context... .to string me along?

tausk, i unfollowed him a few days ago. i didn't want to take the step of blocking, but i suppose i should now.

[Tausk]

A pwBPD has no boundaries.  He does not know where he stops and you begin.

Think about a traumatized three year old who know that his mother is on the other side of a busy street, but he's told he can't cross that street.

Does being told no, mean anything to that child.

Or think of him as water running down a hill side, which will flow through any breach in your defenses.

Separate. Find our own lives.  Live how we always wanted. 

[woofhound]

Yes, breadcrumbs basically means giving you just enough to your mind occupied with him. He might be baiting you to have sex with him. I would most definitely not respond.

[patientandclear]

Pieces, are you clear that you want to end the r/s?

I've read your various recent threads and it doesn't seem like there's been a decoding of his reactions and actions which have hurt you so much.

He freaked out when you were set to move in together: fear of engulfment. You reacted by telling him -- when his dysregulation had settled and he was trying to come back/repair -- that you weren't sure about spending time or resuming: must have triggered intense fear of abandonment. You came back to your hometown but didn't say you were there and were uncertain about him coming back to your new home with you: same (fear of abandonment).

He's got the ex in the mix which would be a deal-breaker for me, but that is rooted in my own particular history. Hurts too much and I can't make it not hurt.

So if I were in your shoes I'd probably be done. Because of the way he used the ex. Not fair to her or to you.

But are you done? A few days ago you were beating yourself up over not being more validating when he was upset about you coming to town and not giving a clear answer about coming back to your new city together. Before we all encourage you to keep walking away, I just want to check to see if you are truly decided about that. Because if you still want to restore this r/ship the advice would probably be quite different.

I know this is so rough. Hugs ... .

[pieceofme]

tausk, your explanation makes complete sense. thank you.

woofhound, i understand and you are right. he messaged me this morning: "you didn't even text me back. you don't like the pic? you already forgot how i look?"

patientandclear, if i am honest, i guess i don't want to end the r/s. i know that sounds stupid, but it's the truth. i don't care for his behavior or his involvement of his ex (ESPECIALLY how he allows her to cyber-bully me)... .yet still i love him. i used to choose my battles so i could "win the war," but now i know it is and always was hopeless. ps- thank you for your kind, compassionate words.