As we forgive them that trespass against us.

[fromheeltoheal]

"And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive them that trespass against us."

When things are going well, when I'm eating right, sleeping well, getting good exercise, and most importantly, moving forward, experiencing progress, I have no problem 'forgiving them that trespass against me', in fact I mostly don't think about those people, and when I do, I consciously focus on letting them go with love, which feels good and is easy. 

And when I'm not as empowered, tired, exhausted, stressed, too much coffee, I have trouble with loving those people, they spend too much time in my head, want to kill a few, honestly.  And that doesn't do me any good, so what to do?  I'm looking for wisdom: what do you do?

[myself]

Accept that it's all of the above.

It's best when we create our own balance.

Forgiving ourselves, perhaps most of all.

[claudiaduffy]

I think that forgiving does not necessarily equate feeling good towards. Forgiving can be much more about giving up the right to mete final judgment on a person who has wronged you.

This does not mean that you give up the right to have your boundaries as tight as you need them to be. But forgiving, in a pure form, cuts your wounded places free from the person who wounded you. It is a way of refusing your abuser any lasting power over you. Not out of hatred for them, but out of a desire for health for yourself.

[fromheeltoheal]

I think that forgiving does not necessarily equate feeling good towards. Forgiving can be much more about giving up the right to mete final judgment on a person who has wronged you.

This does not mean that you give up the right to have your boundaries as tight as you need them to be. But forgiving, in a pure form, cuts your wounded places free from the person who wounded you. It is a way of refusing your abuser any lasting power over you. Not out of hatred for them, but out of a desire for health for yourself.

Yes, we forgive others for ourselves, not for them; we get to decide how much space someone rents in our head, and for how long.

So claudia, how do you, personally, do it?  What tools do you use?

[Ihope2]

This is one of my greatest difficulties at the moment.  And it is not even towards my exBPDh, it is towards my original source of pain and my original trauma bond relationship - my mother.

I am so ANGRY at her.  And yet, I logically understand why she is the way she is.  There is a big disconnect between my thoughts and my feelings.

On the one hand, I know it is early days, I have only reached my current state of awareness of self and my FOO dynamics, and these things take time. Recovery from childhood damage takes a lot of time. 

And yet, I am afraid that I may never feel ready to make peace with it and forgive her in my heart.  It is not as though I hate my mother, I am just so very damn angry at her.

So at the moment, all I can do is pray daily for assistance from my Higher Power.  I am also in the process of re-establishing my connection to God, I never seemed to pay much attention to my spiritual side before.  So I guess praying is what I do a lot of lately to help me forgive those who have tresspassed against me.

[Blimblam]

I wanted so badly to be able to forgive her.  I just don't know how. the wound is too deep.  I guess a lot of my healing journey is about learning the true meaning of forgiveness.

[fromheeltoheal]

This is one of my greatest difficulties at the moment.  And it is not even towards my exBPDh, it is towards my original source of pain and my original trauma bond relationship - my mother.

And yet, I am afraid that I may never feel ready to make peace with it and forgive her in my heart.  It is not as though I hate my mother, I am just so very damn angry at her.

I've made some headway here lately; I've settled into a place where I love my mother and I don't like her very much, we were never friends, although I do feel a responsibility to her.  All of that is sitting well with me today, it's comfortable.  She's getting pretty old, and her ability to maintain those lifelong bullsht facades is fading, so who she really is, is easier to see; she's not a bad person, she just has shtty life skills.  There, I judged my mother to start the day... .

So that's been a sort of living forgiveness; reframing the situation where I can love her because I wouldn't exist without her, feel a responsibility to her because it alleviates guilt mostly, but also feels right, and accept that I don't like her very much.  I'm good with that.

So far we've heard that forgiving ourselves is maybe the most important, which I agree with, and prayer, always helpful.  I've been meditating off and on, and that works, not necessarily for forgiveness, but for connecting me to myself and the planet and chilling me out, which can open the door to forgiving feelings.  And then lately I've been focusing on letting someone go with love, which starts by seeing things from their perspective; that works pretty well with the right people and feels good.

So what else you got peeps?  Resentments are like poison, cleansing required.

[claudiaduffy]

I think that forgiving does not necessarily equate feeling good towards. Forgiving can be much more about giving up the right to mete final judgment on a person who has wronged you.

This does not mean that you give up the right to have your boundaries as tight as you need them to be. But forgiving, in a pure form, cuts your wounded places free from the person who wounded you. It is a way of refusing your abuser any lasting power over you. Not out of hatred for them, but out of a desire for health for yourself.

Yes, we forgive others for ourselves, not for them; we get to decide how much space someone rents in our head, and for how long.

So claudia, how do you, personally, do it?  What tools do you use?

I believe that there is someone who created the universe who gives grace. So I ask that creator for the ability to forgive, and I wait. And while I'm waiting, I practice patience with myself about it. I remind myself that the hurt is valid. I remind myself that I am free to put it down and not carry it anymore. When I'm in the middle of feeling upsetness of any intensity, I let myself feel it, I acknowledge what it is, and then I set it to the side in my mind - not stuffing it, just moving it aside to wait for forgiveness to dissolve it - and I go on. I do it as often as I need to, even if that's forty times a minute at times. Being patient is really important. 

Just the other day, I was skimming Facebook and saw a comment made by an old acquaintance of mine. She and another friend had done something that had hurt me significantly in our late teen years, and while I had "officially" forgiven them, I have felt that hurt echo every time I've seen mention of them for the last twenty years. I've not been happy about that; we were teenagers, for Pete's sake, and what they did was not an abuse of power, but just slightly cruel thoughtlessness to a girl who was lonelier than they knew. So for a decade or more I've been wanting to really, fully forgive them. It hasn't been frequently present or heavy on my mind, but I have prayed about it and done the acknowledging/setting-aside of the hurt many times. And, for whatever reason, when I saw the comment that this one old friend made, something clicked in my heart - I almost felt it physically - and all the hold of that old hurt was gone. I can still look back and feel its shape, but it is light as a feather and no trouble to me any more. I have no clue why it took that long or what went on to make it dissolve that morning, but that's not the only time that full, freeing forgiveness has just... .happened, after a long patient tolerance of hurtful memories.

Of course, it's a hell of a lot harder to pull it off with a family member who abused you. But even there, there are some of the things that my mom did to me that were just too heavy for me to be carrying around all the time. I can remember them, but they don't add to the weight of my now-limited relationship with her. I haven't been able to do that kind of forgiving with EVERYTHING she's done, but bit by bit, the weight is decreasing.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks claudia, I really like the putting it down part, it separates the hurt or whatever from us, confirms that it is not us, not in us, not part of us, removable, and creates a distance from it, so we're brighter and lighter.  I like it.

I'm going to try that.  Right now I'm mellow because I'm tired, but work is really busy right now, and sometimes when I'm pressured and stressed, just a code word for fear, people I never think about pop in my head, and off to the races we go with the resentments and anger.  Just put it down.  Someone here posted that someone doesn't leave our heads until the lessons have been learned, I like that too; maybe true for your acquaintance?

[mywifecrazy]

For me forgiveness looks like this:

#1 was educating myself about BPD. THIS HAS BEEN AN EYEOPENER THANKS TO THIS SITE. It's hard to forgive someone that is not who they claim they are and someone who doesn't take responsibility for their actions. I now realize that my uBPDxw is just a mentally sick person. She was before I ever met her, she was during my time with her, she is now and she will be the rest of her life. It doesn't mean that I accept her behavior and it doesn't mean that the consequences of her behaviors are not hers to bare. Now that I'm educated I know where the motivation for her actions comes from and it's just the actions of a mentally disturbed person.

#2 NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT AND again I say... .NO CONTACT!

The only way to forgive is to let them go. So sad but true :'(

I still struggle with forgiveness as she is still to close to me and I'm still in her line of fire but I am moving in the right direction and feel great when I release the hate

Hang in there everyone... .It takes time.

MWC... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, learning about the disorder helps with people with mental illnesses, but how about everyone else?  The PI board is about us now; what tools do you use to forgive in general?

[mywifecrazy]

That's what I'm saying even in my Christian faith in God through Jesus I struggled with the anger that was inside of me for my uBPDxw (still do at times). I believe God lead me to this site to educate me on her condition. Once I was educated I was able to give her up to God and let him deal with her. With my education I was able to depersonalize her behavior and with that I was able to start the forgiveness process.

You ask what tools and honestly the tool of going no contact allowed me to see clearer so I could start to even want to forgive her. Another thing that helped me the most was talking about my anger in my Celebrate Recovery group. I was able to talk about my anger towards my X in a safe place and my brothers prayed and supported me. I got up in front of people and told them how I was hurt and how the anger was eating away at me. They helped me realize that I NEEDED to forgive for ME. The more I talked and shared about my feelings the less control the anger had over me and has allowed me to be more forgiving.

Another thing was exactly what you're doing. I posted on this PI board and admitted I needed to forgive but was struggling to do so. It was very therapeutic in helping to release anger.

I still do struggle but with God's grace I'm getting there!

Thanks for letting me share... .MWC... ..

[Ihope2]

I am trying to work through the "12 Steps" for Adult Children in Recovery.  I am not in a Codependent Anonymous group, but someone I know who is, has given me a copy of the "12 Steps". I am trying to work through one step at a time.  What I realise is that I struggle to accept that I am powerless and out of control and that only a Higher Power is in control of anything.  I want to believe in a Creator who is like a parent to me and loves me as their own, but I have issues with father figures.  I never really knew or was close to my biological father, and growing up, there was a big void where a father should have been in my life.  My mother remarried a man who I believe was suffering from Narcissistic PD, and he never wanted to be a father to us, and yet he controlled and criticised and psychologically abused my sister, brother and I for 15 years.

So, I struggle to put my trust completely in  a father figure, or any type of "parent" figure (I also had / have mother issues -abandonement and enmeshment and betrayal issues with her).

I will continue to work the steps and see what gives.

[mywifecrazy]

I am trying to work through the "12 Steps" for Adult Children in Recovery.  I am not in a Codependent Anonymous group, but someone I know who is, has given me a copy of the "12 Steps". I am trying to work through one step at a time.  What I realise is that I struggle to accept that I am powerless and out of control and that only a Higher Power is in control of anything.  I want to believe in a Creator who is like a parent to me and loves me as their own, but I have issues with father figures.  I never really knew or was close to my biological father, and growing up, there was a big void where a father should have been in my life.  My mother remarried a man who I believe was suffering from Narcissistic PD, and he never wanted to be a father to us, and yet he controlled and criticised and psychologically abused my sister, brother and I for 15 years.

So, I struggle to put my trust completely in  a father figure, or any type of "parent" figure (I also had / have mother issues -abandonement and enmeshment and betrayal issues with her).

I will continue to work the steps and see what gives.

That was the key for me; accepting that I am powerless over my uBPDxw actions. I had to learn to give it to God. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thanks for letting me share... .MWC

[Perfidy]

Putting the mind in its rightful place as a servant instead of a master can be achieved through meditation. Breathing meditations such as relaxing and willing consciousness upon the breath moving in and out of the lungs. Thoughts move without emotion. The breath is air. The breath is life. The air is inside the lungs. The air is alive. I am alive. The air and I are one. The air is the same air that is the wind. The wind is alive. The wind exists every where in the universe in one form or another. I am the wind. I am the universe. Everything is exactly how it's supposed to be. I have used my will to become conscious. Practice often.

[OutOfEgypt]

Forgiveness means letting them go, no longer internally requiring emotional payment from them for our wounds.  As one put it, it means "giving up the right" to demand judgment upon them.

How do you do that when you aren't feeling like a superstar?  Well, perhaps this reveals that part of your bitterness has to do with a sense of competition with them.  You are good so long as you feel better off, but once things aren't going awesome then suddenly you don't want to let them go.  You want things to be bad for them, too?  I don't know.

If there is one thing that this business of forgiveness shows us it is that forgiveness is not a "natural" act.  It reveals things in our heart that, while understandable, hurt us as well.  That is a good thing.  It hurts, it's like heart surgery, but it is a good thing, a refining thing.  It brings us to a better place.

I recommend you read Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Corrie Ten Boom on forgiveness and loving your enemies.  Very powerful stuff.

That said, forgiveness is something God is still working in me.  Every now and then, like you, I get caught up in hating my ex.  And then I realize how painful and exhausting and emotionally draining hating her is, so I am driven back to the cross and back to God to ask Him to help me forgive.  And He is getting me there.  The ability to truly forgive is a gift -sometimes a slowly learned gift, but still a gift.

[fromheeltoheal]

Putting the mind in its rightful place as a servant instead of a master can be achieved through meditation.

Nice Perfidy!  That ties in with "You are not your thoughts and emotions, you are the awareness behind them."  It's about stillness, and I get moving so fast at times I forget.  Note to self: make time for stillness.

How do you do that when you aren't feeling like a superstar?  Well, perhaps this reveals that part of your bitterness has to do with a sense of competition with them.  You are good so long as you feel better off, but once things aren't going awesome then suddenly you don't want to let them go.  You want things to be bad for them, too?  I don't know.

No, not so much.  I read an opinion that we don't need to focus on forgiving someone, since if we improve the quality of our own lives, they just don't matter anymore.  I like that, and it's true for me.  When I'm having one of those 'down' days, we all have them, there are people I would like to kill, but more often than not it's because they were mean, disrespectful, whatever, they've 'trespassed against me', and when I'm doing well, moving forward, progressing, they just don't exist in my consciousness.  So lately I've been focusing on 'letting them go with love', which works for me and feels comfortable.  Maybe that's forgiveness.  Thanks for the author tips.  Forward... .

[Rubies]

By God's miracles and grace I survived marriage and divorce with a pwBPD, and I was able force him to return DD to my custody to somewhat protect her until she could emotionally protect herself.   Forgiveness is mandatory for us although the trespasses are frequent, often devastating, and have resulted in "emergency" therapy sessions.

Forgiving BPD, staying in forgiveness takes placing myself and that forgiveness under God's grace.

As I'm still sorting and dumping the massive amounts of crap, a box on a bookshelf near the door I always thought was high end books was not.  It was BPDxh's personal treasures.   It also included the book, "How to Reinvent Yourself Overseas," along with lists with men's names, DOBs, SS and DL numbers and assorted old licenses.    I'm sure he meant to take this box when he picked DD up at church and left the state.  The only time he's been back in the house was a break in and our birth certificates and SS cards were stolen, I blocked DD leaving the country through state department and embassies... .only under her real name.

What I found in the box made me go check MY special box, the mementos of my baby who died of SIDS years before I met BPDxh.  Her birth certificate and SS card are gone, all but one picture are gone, her dress is gone.  A dirty rag was in there.

I do not want to nicely return his military stuff and childhood memorabilia.  I want to drop it in the dumpster.

It's taken a couple of days for me to feel my state of grace and KNOW how perfectly well God protects DD and I.  To know he will continue to protect, heal and vindicate us no matter what it looks like.  My job is to let go and let Him.  

A few years before BPDxh left, a pastor we were counseling with to no avail "turned him over to satan for the destruction of his flesh."   That was terrifying.  

I have to stay in the state of forgiveness and grace.  I have to continue check security hasn't been breached.  I get to overcome the devastation, trauma, stress like a perky Pollyanna.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks guys.  I'm not referring to my borderline ex regarding forgiveness, in fact I don't feel an animosity towards her at all anymore, I honestly love her and wish her well, although she is not welcome in my life; I think most of the forgiveness for her came from accepting that she has a mental illness that is not her fault, and all the behaviors come out of that.  She really doesn't have a choice, it makes her life a living hell, and that has nothing to do with me.

But having detached, I'm referring to everyone else who's 'trespassed against me', and forgiving them for me, not for them.  Turning it over to god relieves me of any responsibility, although it's a little too passive for me, I want something I can actually do.  I like claudia's method of setting it aside until it dissolves, the mental shift of creating mental and emotional distance from it works for me.  I likey.  And the most important things are, and always have been, the big three: diet, sleep and exercise.  Everything goes better when I get those in line, and then lately I've been focusing on letting people go with love, which is just another mindset, another reframe, and it lowers the emotional intensity I have towards someone, it feels good, and it works.

So what else do you guys do?

[Blimblam]

I focus on feeling what's in the heart and unconcious mind I found her in their a couple times now. And experienced the serpant 4th dimensionally through her eyes.  I still have fear though and there is still more to be processed. Eventually when I have processed the unconcious mind I will move onto focus meditation of the breath and present awareness to come back.

I fear this style of meditation has been kept obscure within western esoterism.  It is the style Jesus preached about. The heart within. Breath focused meditation is astral and of the concious awareness aspect of the mind. It's like the knowledge of the underworld vs knowledge of the heavens.  Yin and yang.