requiring therapy for ex?

[momtara]

This came up at the end of another thread of mine, so I'm wondering: My exH has mental health issues.  He's agreed to a stipulation in our divorce, part of parenting time section, that he has to continue in counseling two times a month with psy hologist and once with psyc hiatrist.  However, he wants the part out where they have to notify someone if he doesn't comply.  I have read enough to know that there's no proof they're going, so it's essentially meaningless.  That said, I'd be happy to have somethign in there about that, better than nothing.  I also think he may keep going in order to comply.  What do you guys think? 

Is it better than nothing, or just a waste?

Do any of you have anything in there like that?

[david]

If it is already in writing that he must do these things and notification must be made I would simply stick with that order. There was a reason for that at the time and unless something drastic has changed the reason still exists. Who gets notified if he doesn't comply and what are the consequences ?

[momtara]

It's not in the order yet.  It's  a proposal we're doing.  They want that part out if they are to agree to the rest.  Frustrating and expensive to end up in court over just that, but it's doable.

[david]

If you can live with that one thing taken out and you get everything else you want then you can agree and you will not have to get in front of a judge. It will be less expensive that way. Your atty can get a judge to sign off on the agreement or you can do it pro se for a lot less money. Not sure exactly how it's done but I know it can be done that way.

Maybe you can remove the part were someone is notified. Instead require him to notify you who he is seeing and also that the doc must be required to only let you know if he is being seen. You will not be allowed to know anything but that limited info. This way you can be assured he is complying but non of the details.

[momtara]

Yeah, that's the basic.  Not a bad idea.

This is all frustrating.  I wish family courts had a better rep for doing the right thing; I'd be happy to go to court over this if I had more confidence.

[livednlearned]

My exH has mental health issues.  

I can totally relate.

Why not make the stipulation be something like "Momtara has permission to contact medical doctors to discuss ex's compliance."

Then you get a piece of paper you can wave around when you go into the office and ask to talk to his doctor.

Not sure it's permissable -- everyone gets so freaked out about HIPPA, but it's a largely toothless law from what I can tell. It's been interpreted so far outside the scope of what it was designed to protect. Might be worth asking if you can have a court-ordered free pass to get past HIPPA stuff to check on your H.

Although, insisting on that is probably more offensive to your ex than what you were initially suggesting.

[momtara]

Yes, it would be!

Well, I took that out, so I do have something toothless.  It says he has to comply with his doctors' recommendations, but doesn't say anything about notification.  The lawyers are ready to sign.

My lawyer thinks that should stay in, but I wanted to finally stop all the court stuff - getting expensive!  And now I'm already second guessing myself and thinking I should have fought a little more.  I am nearly penniless though - I'm trying to figure out whether it's safer for the kids to fight for that thing and end up in court, or just stop here and take what I can get, and hope exH stays in therapy. 

Whichever way I go, I lose something.

Gosh, these decisions are all way too hard. 

Even if the therapists are required to tell us if he stops going, I couldn't necessarily do anything about it without a big mess anyway, unless he does something drastic.