Divorce + DBT + Time = RE-MARRY or still Scary?

[Heartandsole]

I have heard of lots of people who divorce only to find after some time that they really love their EX and the grass is greener back on the previous side of the fence and they remarry and live happily ever after. 

I'd marry the wonderful traits of my uBPDw again, and in counseling post divorce announcement when she asked "Tell me what it would take to make this work" 

I thought to myself, "Well it would take you getting a lot of help, and then a couple years of stability, and then my availability and desire to risk getting back into a luke warm frying pan again with the belief it's not going to get hot"

Does anyone know of this ever happening?

[Aussie JJ]

I thought to myself, "Well it would take you getting a lot of help, and then a couple years of stability, and then my availability and desire to risk getting back into a luke warm frying pan again with the belief it's not going to get hot"

ROFL,

Dude, gold. 

[elessar]

I know it has happened on other forums when I read the stories of diagnosed borderlines themselves. It is extremely rare. There is another woman who has an amazing blog about her illness, reaching rock bottom, being hospitalized, and finally being diagnosed with BPD and she's been in treatment for 2 years now and it looks like she's getting healthier.

I have accepted it internally that without treatment this won't go away. It might manifest itself in different ways. Maybe one year they are waifs. Another year they are more histrionic or narcissists. But my scouring the internet the 2.5 years has showed me that long term treatment is the only solution. And my excellent T also affirmed that last week. It takes a few years of treatment before you experience "normalcy".

[OutOfEgypt]

I haven't heard of it, but I suppose it is possible.  If my ex told me she's been secretly doing therapy and DBT this whole time and wanted to get back with me, I would still not trust it.  I would probably try not to laugh. There is just too much water under the bridge.  It isn't just about them and if they get well.  It is also about how WE feel just being around them.  I don't think it would even be possible for me to feel safe with her and not have constant painful triggers, no matter how "normal" she became.  It is about the damage done to us, too -not just about their almighty relative mental health .

Incidentally, my ex did start therapy after our divorce.  And within a month or two we were back together.  If that happens, my advice is to not fall for it.  Within a month or two after getting back together with her, she moved back in and it went back to the same way.  Soon, she didn't really believe she needed help at all.  "I don't even know why I'm getting therapy."  And it went back to the same thing... .I was blamed for "going back to being un-confident", while she expected the entire world to revolve around her, waited like a set-trap to see if/how I would give her what she wanted, dumped everything on me, and cheated on me... .including with the 18 year old friend of our son.  If she DOES get help, it will take at least a few years of committed work from her... .WITHOUT you being there to dump her emotional conflicts onto in a relationship.  I suppose it happens, but the idea of my ex wife committing to anything long-term is not realistic.

I do hope she does, still, for the sake of our kids.  She would definitely be a better mother to them if she was not constantly neglecting them for her latest obsession with a new guy or some other new escape and then making excuses about it or invalidating their feelings by telling them that they are overreacting.

[elessar]

Within a month or two after getting back together with her, she moved back in and it went back to the same way.  Soon, she didn't really believe she needed help at all.  "I don't even know why I'm getting therapy."  And it went back to the same thing... .

This is the most common situation of those who do go for therapy, they do not stick to it.

[Heartandsole]

We have no kids and there has been no infidelity that I am aware of or suspect.  I also know there are BPD   everywhere, but in the end I don't know for sure what the core issue is without a diagnosis. 

There is just too much water under the bridge.  It isn't just about them and if they get well.  It is also about how WE feel just being around them.  I don't think it would even be possible for me to feel safe with her and not have constant painful triggers, no matter how "normal" she became.  It is about the damage done to us, too -not just about their almighty relative mental health .

Yeah,  that is some brown water under the bridge for me too.  I guess this crazy thought of getting back together after she is healthier is really pretty far fetched.  I am still in the FOG and one of the things that I keep telling myself is "This is BPD, it won't ever be better... .and yet, I am not qualified to diagnose it, even though my life looks like a  factory.

I would not dare tell her I would consider re-marrying (don't know that I would either) as I don't want to give her false hope of reconciliation.  I think the thought process is really just a coping mechanism to deal with my guilt for "giving up".

[OutOfEgypt]

Oh, and the thing I meant to say that I completely forgot about:

Cross that bridge when you get to it.  I understand that when we have been with someone like this, we feel the need to be "prepared" for everything, so we ruminate and try to "get ready" for whatever is coming next.  But it really just holds our life back.  Give yourself the freedom of not worrying about that unless it comes up.  Worry about today, and let tomorrow worry about itself.