Need some Help & Strenght to Resist

[outside9x]

Hi All,

Well this is my fault.  Though I haven't seen her for well over a year, I haven't blocked her completely, like on my phone.

So, last night as I was with my girlfriend, and she sends me a text.  The bottom line is she is probably drinking her Scotch and feeling bad and needs to project stuff on me.  I am well aware.

So she starts out saying its hard to be in a relationship with someone who is perfect etc, and is totally in love with themselves and if only she would behave properly (being sarcastistic) .    (This woman, totally rages, punches, runs out of cars, the whole nine yards, yet, I loved her, and parts of me still does to a point.)  

I shouldn't of reply, but did, saying you are not a mess. (because she call herself that in jest, like she is not)  but at the time I read it fast and felt bad for her.  (WOW!)

So, I reread the part today that said I was in total love with myself, which of course is not true.  (If it was, I'd be long gone)  

So now I want to attack her I guess andsay the truth, and reply, and tell her how she loves to project her stuff on me and That she's the one that was secretly and actively on a dating while we were exclusive, and when I found out told me too bad! and I put up with all her raging, and had demand after demand, and made up stories to make me feel bad, while I just stupidly took it and amazingly kept on loving her.

I know I should block her.  But I haven't gotten the strength right now and don't want to fail at it.  I try 3-4 times but did block on my FB.  But I feel I am getting better, but I am so ticked, that she can somehow in her crazy mind, turn this on me, and try to make me feel like I the bad one.  

I realize same old scenario on how they can twist, bend everything and I also know, no matter what facts U have written or not, they refuse to believe.  Yet, I am so frustrated, and mad that they get away with this time and time again.

So, I know its totally stupid to engage in the 1st place and even crazier to reply again. I try to say to myself, to what point does replying do?  I think I only hurt myself.  Since even if she had 2 minutes of  clarity, they cannot look at themselves and anyway that shines true light, and this will only make her more mad to come up with other stupid stuff.  I know, I know, I just need to go N/C.

They only think of you to tear you down.  I understsand THAT.  There is no other way for them to live, and I like to tell her that too.  I am just itching so badly to TELL HER all of this.    HELP!

Thanks for reading.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Silence is louder than any other response - much  louder.  If you must interact then perhaps do so in a detached fashion.  As if she is a stranger and formality with politeness is the required way to communicate.  I tried this with my exuBPDgf a few days ago.  I feel mildly compromised but not ripped apart as I normally would feel.

[enlighten me]

I think we all get frustrated by the injustice of it all. How although were not perfect we did our best only to have everything thrown back in our face.

I often fantasise about setting the record straight and letting everyone know the truth about her but where will that lead? I will no doubt end up looking like the bad guy and she will be able to say "look what I had to put up with".

I now just think leave it be. She will mess up in the end and people will eventually see her for who she is. I have a lot of contact with my ex and enjoy the fact that she doesn't know that I know what she got up to. I also like seeing her friends and family that know get uncomfortable around me.

My ex wife who I am also certain has BPD has now started to be very nice to me. I like the fact that no matter what she says and does I will not fall for it and how she is now realising her mistakes.

[Mutt]

A big thing with BPD is dissociation. Take it for what it is. Become indifferent with the behavior. If you reply again you will face defense mechanisms and maldaptive coping skills, projection, dissociation etc. You're not going to be able to get your point across - it won't happen. Don't take the bull by the horns.

Either disengage or if you want to communicate in a more healthy way you could try SET. You know what your reality is and how you interpret it. You don't need to show her you're right.

[Recooperating]

It is soo frustrating! We're being potrait so negative and we are not! It is extremely unfair! Its awefull how much crap we had to take and we're the ones painted black.

Just know, what ever you say in your defence... .It wont matter! The BP will hear it completely different and come up with something new to hurt you with!

I like to remind myself of the quote: "What other people think of me, is none of my business!"

I used to be bothered by the black painting, the accusations, the stories my exBPD would spread about me... .I wanted to defend myself, tell him how wrong he was, make him understand my point of view. It only lead to recycle... .It was his way to lure me back cause he knew I HATE injustice! But the only thing I said last time... ."Good thing we split up then, obviously I am bot the right person for you when you feel like that." Then I went NC.

I can honestly say I really dont care what he or his friends and family think of me! Its not my problem anymore. I have my friends and family, they support me all the way and thats enough for me. Im done defending myself. If people dont like me, fine! I know I am a good person, i know the truth!

[outside9x]

HI, thanks for the replies.  

I read through all.  I know my emotions are high now, so I don't want to do anything rash.  I am learning to just maybe writing down THINGS and see how I feel the next day.  I like what one person says about using SET though.  

So, I was thinking of texting back saying" SO sorry U feel this way, but I HAVE 2 TOTALLY disagree with you.  

I think this lets her know, I disagree in the nicest way .  Before, I was going to point out it was her being selfish and demanding etc etc.  This is not blasting her , but It tells her, sorry you didn't ruffle my feathers AND its not true.   This is short to the point.  THOUGHTS!

[Mutt]

SO sorry U feel this way, but I HAVE 2 TOTALLY disagree with you.  

If you have the need, I would respond once and leave it at that.

You have been a year out and you are not interested?

SET ~ Support Empathy Truth

I understand. It can take people a long period of time to pass to sort through their feelings and to discover the reasons why a relationship breaks-down. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I don't feel comfortable with discussing our history and I hope you understand.

How does this look? You can keep the T in truth but change your delivery. Emotions are fact to a pwBPD. Not facts then emotions.

[seeking balance]

Good job posting here rather than reacting and responding to her Outside 

Mutt gave you a great tool with SET if you are intent in responding to validate the existence of the text. Remember, you are not negating her feelings, but establishing your Truth. 

Setting a Boundary, if this is your intent.

Try this exercise, use DEARMAN on the board here so we can tease out what you are feeling, what you want her to know and how you want her actions to change. 

Once you do this, you might get "out" what you need and avoid opening a new rabbit hole for your ex to come down.

DBT & Interpersonal Effectiveness: D-E-A-R-M-A-N

To begin acquiring some tools to help you along the path towards this aspect of interpersonal effectiveness, let’s explore the meaning of the DBT acronym, D-E-A-R M-A-N, adapted from the workbook Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life (Spradlin, 2003):

Describe:

Use specific words to describe to the other person what you want, explaining yourself through language as clearly as possible.  Leave little question as to what it is that you want or need.  Practice clarity with your words.

Express:

Don’t shy away from being expressive.  Part of learning how to effectively communicate, while still being intentional and mindful, involves using facial expressions, tone of voice, or gestures that capture the content and importance of your request.  There is a delicate balance to be struck here.  Work towards finding the happy medium of being expressive while maintaining a sense of self-control.  This can be tricky for those of us who have a tendency to get lost in or overwhelmed by emotions.

Assert:

Work towards finding your own balance between asserting your needs and staying away from aggressiveness (this includes passive aggressiveness).  Be matter-of-fact as you assert your point(s).

Reinforce:

Be sure that the other person understands exactly why they should respond to your request.  Remind them of whatever positive outcomes would come from this request.  Other people want to feel good about complying with requests – not like they are being coerced into meeting demands.  Be careful not to offer rewards that are unrealistic or that you cannot come through on.  Be true to your word.

Stay Mindful:

Don’t allow distracting thoughts or intense emotions to cloud your thinking.  If the other person responds with defensiveness or hostility, don’t allow yourself to engage with the emotional intensity.  Stay on track with what it is that you are asking for.  If you respond to the other person with your own defensiveness or aggressiveness, your efforts will be sabotaged – you will probably not get what it is that you are asking for (at least not in the long-term).  Rather than responding with intensity, practice opposite action, radical acceptance, and mindful breathing.  Maintain your focus.

Appear Confident:

If you have trouble believing in the validity of your request, so will other people.  Imagine yourself as confident, competent, and deserving of what you want or need.  When you take yourself seriously, others are more likely to as well.  Practice self-validation on your own to cultivate this skill.

Negotiate:

When our ideal requests are not met, there is often a way to meet halfway – to find a solution that is “good enough” without compromising our values.  A big part of negotiation is about respecting other people’s limits.  It’s not just about you, after all.  When the other person believes that you are capable of negotiating, they are much more likely to see you as a reasonable person.  A positive consequence of this is that you are more likely to have successful interactions with this person in the future.  Win-win, right?

[goldylamont]

in my humble opinion you are still too emotionally affected by your ex for any type of communication. the techniques discussed here are great, but i don't know if you are detached enough to be communicating with her.

and, you have a girlfriend right now. she should be your *top* priority. not your ex.

my advice--follow through and block your ex completely. if you feel like you might chicken out then tell your current girlfriend that you will do it to hold yourself accountable. set a date like tomorrow and do it.

i say this because blocking her right now is a healthy move for you. and also taking the reigns and blocking her now will give you some satisfaction of knowing you took control of the situation.

i'm just being real with you. if you don't block her now, she's going to block you in a little while and then you'll be on these boards saying you are confused and how could she do that when she had no reason. block her on social media/phone/everywhere and trust me this will send the right message.

[Tausk]

I'm sorry for your pain and confusion.  I know it hurts. 

You of course have told your current girlfriend about your dilemma.  Because I love it when my girlfriend secretly has dramatic text exchanges with her ex  with whom she loves.

It will never get better without a sense of self-esteem and integrity.  Things will never get better without moving past shameful acts.  And things will never get better with courage.  And all those points involve being honest with your current girlfriend so that she can decide what is best for her.  Otherwise, it's all just a lie just like our interaction with our exes wBPD.

Half the time I was too afraid to let go of my ex because I didn't want to be alone.  A lot of good that thinking did me.   I became lost in the Disorder because of self told lies about who I was.   And so much of those lies were in the form of hiding my shame.

I can hear the shame in your message.  I don't judge you.  I did so many actions and still do that feed my shame.  I'm just here to say, those shameful thoughts and actions are what kept me from living for 30 years of supposed adulthood.   

But since I've developed some real courage to look inside... .It's gotten better. 

Recovery is possible.  But only if we work at it.  Otherwise, the Disorder wastes the lives of many many people on this side of the board as well.