A new day - letting go and letting God

[Hawk Ridge]

So ... .starting over again.   When she left me in March, "to be alone," because she claimed she needed time to get over her ex even though we had been together for 1.5 years, I was slightly relieved as she had been distant and emotionally abusive and intermittently loving for the prior 4 - 6 months.  I had begun to be very depressed and my hands would shake when we were together as I had become fearful of her anger (not physically but emotionally.). She spoke to me with great disrespect and her eyes were vacant. 

I have been in therapy for the last few months as HER decision to break up without conversation or negotiation broke my heart.  I love her. I lost her dog. I lost the family she welcomed me into as she effectively isolated me from mine and my friends. I lost our mutual friends.  I... .was just... .lost...    She became involved with someone else (so much for being alone) and put her in my spot... .taking all that I had lost.

I had decided to take the high road, remaining kind despite her distance and her intermittent kindness, as her family and I had been close.  I decided to unfollow her on FB but not defriend.  Unfortunately, I didn't restrain from peaking once in a while at her page and the new love.  They've been together for over three months (as she told me but now I suspect she was trolling online while we were together - that is so painful as I believed her and trusted her).  She continues to Like different things I post and I do too while always questioning myself.  I tend to think I am doing it to be kind and remain a friend as we agreed but I never really know what Is right for me. A part of me knows I am just keeping the door open. I haven't dated out of hope we'd get back together. 

Last pm, I posted a Like on our mutual friend's comment about a inner joke that had to do with the three of us before the breakup.  Her new girlfriend posted a Like right after.  This, in itself, seems rather innocuous but I suddenly felt a wave of grief and a need for finality.  I sensed she, my ex, kept me on FB to triangulate with the other as she had previously told this woman about us.  There had been other things too - this was just the last one

I lay in bed and cried, "I surrender."  I had been waiting and hoping for the last few months that she would recycle me (not a lot of pride in admitting that) after she realized what she lost, a person of great integrity, courage, faith, and kindness, as she attached to someone of lesser acumen professionally, financially, and in terms of appearance. Her new partner has kids which I did not.  My ex is not fond of stimulation and had issues with her ex partner's kids so I assumed she would continue to be irritable and avoidant with these kids too. I felt like we were a perfect match but it appears I was very wrong.  That is not meant to sound egotistical - it si just a huge part of my confusion.  I want to be jealous of her new r/s but I am not - she will get hurt too.  All of us did and will be, including my ex. 

That said, my point is: I waited and waited for someone while I grieved, ruminated, and lamented.  I have felt incredible compassion and even grieved thar my ex has this condition.  I have struggled to accept she has to live with this because I don't think she even wants to look at it or the pain it causes her. i am so sad and grief stricken that such an amazingly wonderful and gifted person is in this cage she likely will not choose to unlock.

Last pm, I gave in and surrendered.  I also read another persons response to a question I posted yesterday, reminding me that it was not helpful to continue to try to figure them out,   Thank you for that wisdom.   Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I am going back to church this morning.  I am going to start running and riding my bike again. I want to live again.  If she decides to reach out again in the future, I am not going to wait.  She has contacted me a few times within the past few months - my T thinks her r/s must already have some chinks in the armor.  I have to not ruminate and hope on that thought.

Why do I write this? Because today, the first time after months of tears, I am alive.  I know it is a process but I am grateful for this minute, this five minutes, this hour, this day... .right now, I am alive and I wanted to share this hope with you.  We're going to make it through this together.

[Cocoon]

Thank you for sharing this. I am struggling today mightily, and reading your struggle was helpful.

I admire your ownership while sorting through this. It's easy to blame others, and it can be a lot of work to turn the lens back on ourselves, and accept our part in the dance.

[Hawk Ridge]

Thanks, Cocoon.  I have to admit I made it about two hours before The tears paid an unwelcome visit.  This grieving process is very difficult.  I am grateful for the strides made since therapy but the concussive results of emotional abuse and betrayal require so much effort.  My therapist is trying to get me to relax and go with the flow.  I'll pass this gift on to you and all the other people on these boards who get what a crazy-making, abusive, untruthful disease this is.  I am glad we are not alone.  We'll get to the other side... .together. 

[Hawk Ridge]

Oh, and by the way, this relaxing thing is not coming easy at all but when I think of it, I at least begin to breathe a little easier.